He flirted then denied - need to let go

[Whatonearth2022]

I’m in an unhappy partnership of 10 years, 2 kids.

I started personal training at a local gym.

Connections and combustion is all I can say. Both Aries. Both got on like a house on fire. 4 weeks in, thought nothing of it, currently overweight I don’t tend to pull recently.

I started noticing stuff, deliberate touching, spending more and more time alone together… common hobbies or interests, then began the personal life chat..

he said , ‘I wouldn’t have married’ and ‘me and mine argue all the time’. Then I noticed him looking at me, a lot, the more touching, the casual flirting.

Asking me for help with business things (I run 2 businesses), questioning what I was doing ‘in reference’ to social media I had shared.

I literally had to google soulmate. That is how it felt, and I don’t even believe in that stuff but this triggered me hugely, it was like I’d met the one, I was completely head over heels.

He added me on all socials, Snapchat…Fb etc, he watched most of my stuff.

I thought I was going insane. How can this gorgeous amazing man have ANY interest in me????

12 weeks in, one day, turn up for training, a completely different bloke! I was so upset by the change in him I left early in tears.

He messaged me later, am I ok.?!

Using the word ‘mate’ in the sentence. Something he only did in front of others but never alone.

I caved and said a bunch of things like, think we need to talk… how do you feel about me etc.

The response!! Omg… COMPLETE DENIAL.
Accusing me of trying to ruin his reputation or business, the list goes on. I was in TOTAL shock.

it ended with him telling me not to return and my tail between my knees.

I felt awful. How did this guy make me think all this stuff, was I going insane? Did I imagine it!?

Fast forward a week and my May personal training fee refunded…. I asked if we could meet to clear the air.

he ignored it.

then I noted another gym goer had removed me from Fb, I panicked thinking omg what has he said!!!

I politely asked him if he’d mentioned our scenario to anyone.

message back - we’ll I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong at all so nothing to say and no o haven’t…

I responded- “ look, what I said appeared to get twisted and mistaken for accusations of you coming on to me when that wasn’t the case. I thought we connected and I think you’re hot, that’s pretty much all there is to it’.

messaged ignored. Blocked on WhatsApp.

he deleted from socials, BUT left me on snap.

I’ve been so angry I’ve taken the pleasure of blocking him on everything.

WHAT ON EARTH has happened?!?!?

im left chewing a piece of sh1t like this was MY fault!!!? I only asked how he felt and now I’m the one left with naff all.

I did nothing but be honest after HIS actions and I just cannot make sense of any of it!

advice - please help me forget this loser.
he’s married 3 kids…

I understand your upset and confusion, but I think you have to put this out of your mind now - recover, heal, move on; fix your marriage or end it - one way or the other it sounds like you need to make a major decision quite apart from that messy scenario.

It could be anything - maybe he used you for business advice, maybe he's a very flirty person and panicked because you interpreted it all as being intimate and meaningful, maybe his wife looked at your messages . . . who knows. But it doesn't really matter, does it? You might never know or understand what happened, so the only thing you can do to help yourself is draw a line under it.

You sound so unhappy, @Whatonearth2022 . . . time for a new start? Resolve your home situation so that you can find real happiness?

Ahh, to be honest it sounds as though he was maybe using you for business advice/connections and he figured he'd flirt his way to getting what he wants. And then when he felt you were no longer of 'use', he switched off the obnoxious charm. What a horrible thing to do and my heart goes out to you. However this is probably the wake up call you need to either fix what you currently have or start afresh.

Search "limerence" that will explain the feelings you had. I think he was using you for business stuff or, that there was flirting going on and maybe his wife saw the messages or something.

It's mortifying though. Can you go to another gym?

I find it odd he says "well I haven't done anything wrong etc". Nobody said he did anything wrong - you just asked if he had spoken to anyone. Weird. Sounds like guilt to me.

Perhaps the other person from the gym who deleted you noticed some flirting and said something?

It will be OK OP. It will pass. These things always do.

It sounds like he was flirty to encourage you to use his service. You misinterpreted it and now he's backed away. It's not your fault he obviously crossed some lines. I'd chalk it up as experience and find a new gym.

Sounds like he was initially being over friendly to keep your business, but he wasn't genuinely into you. Learn from experience and back away from from allowing your feelings get involved in a business relationship and he married anyway, why would you want a flirty married man even if you could, that's not the best catch.

You’ve been love bombed. Google that and limerence. It’s obviously how he keeps his clients and he gets off on a bit of a flirt. You didn’t imagine it but you fell for it. Is he the only PT at the gym? Are you paying fees to go to the gym or just for his PT?

You seem to focus on the fact that he's in a relationship, but not that you are. Your concern should be for your own family, not his.

It sounds like he was flirty in a low key way to get help with the business thing, and panicked when you misunderstood it.

Both of you are married and have children. He sounds revolting to me.

I think it would help you to take a look at how you are spending your time and energy and direct it towards your children, towards figuring out how to heal or end your relationship, and towards figuring out what you want from life and what sort of person you want to be.

Thanks for replies.

for the record me and my partner are working out how to split amicably but obviously will take some time as we keep things normal with kids and businesses etc. this was ongoing…

the business help - it wasn’t for that, that was a slight circumstance that took ten minutes to resolve.

he would follow me into his small room at the back to weigh himself because I was doing it, he would act different in sports massage (he did that too) and not leave the room, or secretly look as I undressed, and then say things like, ‘ cover up of you want to’…
my close friend had a completely different experience in massage, I asked her. It was 100% professional, mine was like husband and wife .

he filmed me in slowmo skipping and commented on my amazing chest (yes I was insulted at this point).
he added me on Snapchat.

he commented on everything I did on my social stories, he sent me just ONE message that was a breadcrumb of evidence, this was - ‘I’ll charge my camera up for more slowmos’.

everyhting else was just standard talk apart from the odd reaction to my snap stories or random memes.

he asked me to come in earlier than everyone else ‘if I wanted to’ - I didn’t I came in at 6am daily like everyday so there would be 5 or 10 mins alone with him, which is where most of the talking happened.

I felt him brush his d1ck against my hand in massage… he would come right up close to me in training and hold my body in certain positions.

we were CLOSE.

ar first I thought I were seeing things and this was his general personality as a trainer but then I started to like him and noticed all the little things he was doing around me that I played down.

he would turn up on days off in his best dressed to see me, then return with his dog before I left, filmed the dog crawling all over me, filmed me at many occasions tbh.

I am not crazy.
I’ve never heard of limerence, it does sound like something I could have which makes a lot of sense.

what doesn’t make sense is the way he acted.

the fact he couldn’t respond like an adult and say, think you’ve got this wrong and respond instead making me look like a freak or fool, that’s what got me, the denial….

He sounds like a creep.

But you are both in the wrong here.

If he’d carried on then you would presumably have slept with him. You’re painting yourself as a victim here but A, you’re with someone else and B, he’s married.

You’re not a victim, you were very nearly an OW, and that’s not something to aspire to.

Move on and focus on single men in future, but only once you’ve split from your partner.

His poor wife and your poor husband.

He was getting lots of ego kibbles from you, lots of validation and attention. You were providing it all in buckets.

It's really not that tricky.

You then pushed it and he didn't want to go any further for risk of losing his family.

I just feel for his wife.

He flirted with you for 3 months for his own amusement. But he's married. You should have told him to back off, not acted like you were star crossed lovers

It sounds like he was flirting - he may do it with everyone, he may have genuinely connected with you - but ultimately decided that it was wrong, which it was if he's in a relationship, and he's stepped back. Personally, I wouldn't have commented on it, just kept it polite and found another gym.

Yuck he sounds pervy and unprofessional.

He filmed his dog 'crawling all over you'?

This is so bizarre.

He sounds like a disgusting creep tbh - brushing his penis against your hand?! He’s married. I’d have no respect for a man doing this if they had a partner, I’d just think they were an opportunistic perv (which it sounds like he is). You fell for it because - let me guess - you’re missing the affection at home and felt valued by his attention.

you need to split with your husband before entertaining anything else, and when you do, make sure the other person is single! It doesn’t sound like this man had feelings for you, rather that he thinks with his dick and has no respect for his wife or clients.

Omg I missed that bit. Grim

There is no point trying to work out his motives.

He has made it absolutely clear he doesn't fancy you.

All you can do is move on, but you won't do that while you keep analysing his behaviour in minute detail.

Hmm, he sounds like an unprofessional creep. I've come across his type before and he knew exactly what he was doing. The term for him used to be playboy, he is a flirt and using a woman in a difficult position at home to get money, cheap thrills and business advice. Men like this need to have a couple of women being strung along.

Omg this is awful. Poor you. What a dick!

What a complete creep. You have been lovebombed and ghosted. Some men get off on making a woman fall for them then lose interest when it gets too heated.

On the plus side, being with this man in any way would have been a disaster. Blocking him and moving on is the only answer.

Yea, I’m just really hurting from being denied like that.
I NEVER would have mentioned anything to him if I weren’t certain of his behaviour towards me.

for the first few weeks I confided in a friend because I found it absolutely unbelievable he was acting that way towards me and wanted her to confirm I wasn’t going crazy- which she did say, everything he had done was extremely flirtatious and showing interest in me.

I have left the gym and gone back to old gym.

Ive just never come across this before where somebody completely denies their actions especially where I could have proof.

those saying poor wife - he was confiding on me saying he wouldn’t have married, he always argues etc which got me thinking he obviously wasn’t happy at home and I could never live with someone that works 24/7 like he does so it was just another bullet in the gun.

I didn’t want to run away with him.

i am not married, my partner and I are on a split and am planning to move out end of the year…

im not a child in all of this, I was adult enough to admit my feelings and got shut down and rejected when asked for his.

I was just wondering what this behaviour meant.

All the best op, tis usual