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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Answers I’ll never get, or will I?

113 replies

Whatonearth2022 · 22/07/2022 20:02

This is a fairly long scenario.
I don’t want to be thrown into the bus for it.
id like some honest opinions.

in February I started a programme at a small local gym.
never had more than a few people in these sessions.
sometimes just me.

the owner/PT and I clicked.
a few weeks went by and then bam, I realised we were now flirting.

He unfortunately for me, is married with kids.
I have a partner with kids.

it took me a good few more weeks to even accept that this guy was even into me. He was omg hot. In my eyes. I would never believe someone that like would like someone like me.

now I’ve been around - I know when someone is taking the piss or just wants a bit on a the side, I was once that person…

this was completely different.

It was intuitive.
id get butterflies to the point of distraction.
he treated me differently.
he confided in me.
we laughed.
we cried.
we just clicked.

one day he took it too far in front of people whom had been training with him for some years.
(just said a compliment to me).

he would turn up on his days off.
he accepted my Snapchat request.
we never messaged each other sexually or of the like.
just a couple of funny memes and he would watch my location and stories all the time - I’m quite ‘out there’.

the next day (after taking it too far) he started referring to me as ‘mate’.
it was odd. He was acting weirdly.
I felt it inside me. It hurt. Despite not actually starting anything between us.

maybe he had a realisation who knows….

so i decided to message and ask how we felt.
completely innocent, knowing both of our situations.

I even googled what a soul mate was as it felt that strong. I had never believed in that stuff until then.

I got a complete denial response back. Denies it all.
opened my heart, I was rejected and hurt and said some of the wrong things but that was end of April…

I was asked never to return to the gym. Which broke me. I was doing so well.

I understood it all at the time… but it never sounded like him on the messages.

I later discovered I was basically messaging his wife 😳
she controlled EVERYTHING.
his WhatsApp. iMessages. PERSONAL Fb. Insta. Tiktok. Emails. Literally his whole life. Everytime he took a pic it was uploaded to the cloud.

he is one trapped MF.

maybe he’s done it before? Who knows but I learnt the hard way.

another month passed and to this day I’ve never seen or contacted him.
I tried but the wife blocked me on everything - fair enough.

oddly he still follows my business pages so maybe he does still watch my stuff but I can’t tell.

I decided I had to confront the situation as this many months on it’s still in my heart hurting.
although I’ve accepted he may be my forever love I can never have it still needed to be resolved.

I contacted the wife.
i apologised.
I made out he was totally innocent and did nothing wrong and made myself appear the bad person. Explained I had some sort of breakdown or something.

she seems ok now.

I’ve asked to return to workout.

she’s painted it as though HE was angry and upset and never wanted me to return but I guess unless o see him, I’ll never know the real truth.

his business is round the corner from mine and I’ve thought about going there but everytime I walk past I feel physically sick.

I’m currently awaiting a response to my last msg as she’s currently seeing if I can return in September.

it appears hopeful but I’m scared.

I know that we can never be together but I just need closure and this is the only way I know how.

has anyone felt this way before. Drawn to someone. Knowing he’s the love of you life.

I could wake up next to him and be happy forever and ever. Despite his flaws.

it makes me sad that he may feel trapped but nothing I can do.

OP posts:
BecauseICan22 · 22/07/2022 20:08

In the nicest way possible OP, walk away and get some help.

AMindNeedsBooks · 22/07/2022 20:09

I'm sorry but you need to seek professional help. Book a private session with a psychologist ASAP.

Whatonearth2022 · 22/07/2022 20:10

Why ?

OP posts:
CantaloupeMelon · 22/07/2022 20:11

Don't go back to the gym OP. Focus on yourself and your relationship and move on from this mess.

marcopront · 22/07/2022 20:13

Are you still with your partner?

Minikievs · 22/07/2022 20:14

Have you posted about this before?
The story is exactly the same. I seem to recall almost a universal response of "you sound like a psychopathic stalker, just leave it"

Apologies if you're not the same OP

AMindNeedsBooks · 22/07/2022 20:15

Whatonearth2022 · 22/07/2022 20:10

Why ?

A trained professional will be able to explain everything to you.

Please leave him and his wife alone and concentrate on your own relationship. I wish you all the best.

Watchkeys · 22/07/2022 20:16

So basically you're interested in a bloke who showed you a bit of interest, but his wife gets in the way of you developing a relationship with him?

That is closure. Find another gym and stop obsessing. You're a grown woman and life isn't a Mills and Boon novel. Most of us have had feelings for someone who was otherwise engaged, your situation isn't special or unusual. Just walk away and wait until the feelings fade. Unless you think your life will still be ruined in 10 years by a crush on a personal trainer?

Whiskeypowers · 22/07/2022 20:17

This all sounds incredibly unhealthy and self sabotaging

for everyone’s sake you need to stop this

bluegardenflowers · 22/07/2022 20:18

oh dear god, are you 16?

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2022 20:20

Minikievs · 22/07/2022 20:14

Have you posted about this before?
The story is exactly the same. I seem to recall almost a universal response of "you sound like a psychopathic stalker, just leave it"

Apologies if you're not the same OP

There was an older man, gym story a while ago. And the OP was a very odd stalker.

Same kind if tone.

If this is real OP, seek counselling. Just talk, the counsellor will help you work out why.

Fabswingers · 22/07/2022 20:21

I don’t know why you contacted the wife again? That was weird. Also don’t know why your asking permission to go back to the gym?? It’s a gym, just turn up…she isn’t your mother.

The guy obviously has form for this being as his wife is so on it so be weary of him, his obviously a player

Whatonearth2022 · 22/07/2022 20:23

Well she is co owner so…. Have to ask really

OP posts:
Bunnyfuller · 22/07/2022 20:24

Nothing happened apart from in your head. You write in a very affected, false style. You need help

WTF475878237NC · 22/07/2022 20:31

You definitely need help. I also really hope you are single now. None of this is ok at all.

OldFan · 22/07/2022 20:31

I imagine quite a few trainers make use of women who crush on them. I used to be a PT and didn't know any male PTs like that but wouldn't be surprised, knowing men in general.

It does sound like he maybe has form for flirting or more, given how strongly she reacted.

PP's are right that a therapist or some help you can access through your GP might help you move on.

LoisPlane · 22/07/2022 20:32

You're obsessed and being weird. Back off, leave them alone and get yourself some counselling.

I agree with the pp about your affected writing style. This isn't a Mills & Boon romance. You are not the brave, damaged, heroine that needs to win her life's love. Grow up.

blacksax · 22/07/2022 20:35

it makes me sad that he may feel trapped but nothing I can do

Of course he's not trapped. And his wife is not controlling everything. She is co-owner of the business and does the social media, that's all. He is not frantically waiting for you to come back and rescue him.

resuwen · 22/07/2022 20:38

This reads like a true life story in a bad magazine.

Stichintime · 22/07/2022 20:38

I read a very similar thread not so long ago. Are you writing a short story?

Watchkeys · 22/07/2022 20:38

Whatonearth2022 · 22/07/2022 20:10

Why ?

Because you just wrote a massive dramatic essay on something that didn't happen, and how you can't get closure from it.

quietnightmare · 22/07/2022 20:42

I'm the words of jojo ' leave, get out, it's the end of you and me'....

Aquamarine1029 · 22/07/2022 20:54

You sound delusional.

somanyquestions19 · 22/07/2022 21:38

I personally would stay away. I'd feel embarrassed by the whole situation and rather not have the awkwardness.

FrazzledFirefly · 22/07/2022 21:40

How is him giving you a compliment in front of other people taking things to far? Can you elaborate.

What we're you both crying about together? Just the two of you. That does seem v close. So, if you were close why would him giving you a compliment be taking things too far? Crying on each others shoulders is far more a breach of boundaries.

Him turning up on his days off is neither here nor there if he owns the business - he'll always be working.

I either think you need help for building things up in your head or there is far more to this relationship than what you've indicated in your OP and if that's the case you probably also need help to work through things.