Affair with former partner, we both have children

[wrenhillig]

Would love some advice.
I was in a relationship with someone I was totally in love with. We were on and off for years and eventually had a very painful breakup involving an abortion whilst I was the 'other woman' and he was living with someone else.
I ended up marrying someone else and having a child, my daughter is almost two.
He is still with that lady and has a son.
His son is almost 4 now.
We have not had much contact for a while but I recently was up in the city he lives in and we reconnected. We spent two nights together and while we didn't have sex, we did other things. And it was beautiful. I've missed him every day for years, and it was like we'd never parted.
We're both so in love and have discussed how we can see each other again. But we don't want to leave our partners as its unfair on our respective children, both of whom are so young.
I know its wrong etc etc, but I never stopped loving him and he never stopped loving me. I don't believe in destiny but this feels like the closest to it.

My question is, what do I do?
Is there a way we can have some sort of relationship without leaving our partners until our children are much much older? Does this even sound realistic? Does anyone have any experience with this kind of thing? Is it possible to make it work?
I know I'm selfish etc, there's no need to give me a lecture - I'm looking for some genuine advice. Thank you.

My advice is you both need to leave your partners to be together. It will be tough at first but keeping an affair secret for years isn't feasible or the right thing to do.

This sounds very messy and toxic. If you were always so in love with each other then why did you end up being the OW and why is he still with that partner (whom - sorry to be blunt - he must have chosen over you at the time)?

You have a stark choice.

Leave your marriage, and start a new future where you can date whoever you want (but tbh I wouldn't have this chap on your list at all, he sounds awful - and that's based on your description - heaven knows how much worst it would be from someone who isn't irrationally besotted

Or, cut contact with him now and decisively, and really work on your primary relationship.

There is no middle way with a better outcome - you hurt yourself and everyone around you so much more by the secrecy and lies. It's easily the worst possible thing you could do.

You could both try but it’s a obvious risk.
The problem is getting caught. If you get caught and your partner leaves you, would he leave her and come and be with you or would you then be on your own whilst his alright jack. Big risk really.

Leaving the deceit aside, long term secret affairs are very hard. The secrecy and excitement creates an atmosphere of false intimacy because no one knows but you two which makes you think feelings are there which may not survive the sunlight of day to day life. All celebration days and holidays are spent with the family, not with the affair partner and your left with the scraps of time you can pull together away from your primary relationships. Is that really what you want for yourself?

If you love him that much the stress of not being the person sharing his life, the person who supports you through major decisions, the person you celebrate the good with is very difficult to sustain without it impacting on your marriage, which isn’t fair to your husband.

On a pragmatic level, he’s shown you he has no conscience about making you the “other woman” twice now. Is that really what you want for yourself. He didn’t leave her for you before and now there’s a child in the mix he’s even less likely to leave. In the meantime you risk breaking up your own home for someone who has always been part time for you.

Your husband may not be the person for you, but the other man is no prince either. I’d remove myself from my marriage and then see what I actually wanted for myself in terms of a relationship.

Is there a way we can have some sort of relationship without leaving our partners until our children are much much older?

Tell your partner you want to stay with him while loving and shagging another bloke and see if he’s okay with it. If he has the same chat with his partner and she’s happy then go for it.

He chose her last time.
Why would it be different this time?

Its all just a fantasy really.
You remember what it used to be like - but if it was that great you would be together.
Chances are he wont leave his wife no matter how much he talks about it
Do your H and child a favour and get divorced

What would you want, if you were your husband?

If you really wanted to be together you would have been. Sounds like he wants the other woman and just a cheap shag with you. Sorry. Wake up and don’t be second best

You've been his second choice twice. He's saying these things to keep you sweet and keep getting fun stuff with you. Tell him you want to split up with your respective partners and give it a go, he'll run a mile.

There is a way you can do this, but it requires your partners to agree. You say hello husband, I am in love with my ex but want our family to stay together. Would you consider an open relationship / co-habiting co-parenting relationship? If your husband says no, then you have a choice.

You cannot morally and practically cheat on your husband and allows that man to cheat on his wife for years. It is unfair because it creates a situation where you and your ex are getting the positives of a fulfilling loving relationship, while denying your partners the same. All they will get is the shitty side of relationships, the drudgery, the morgage decisions, and so on. And they will wonder why it is you do not want the fun parts with them, and it's because you're getting it elsewhere.

Really, being an adult and a parent is having to weigh up options and make choices. If you want to be with ex more than you want to keep exisitng family together, do it and commit. If you want to keep existing family, stop seeing ex. I am told there are ways to split up and have blended families that work, so this might be an option for you.

No of course you can’t do that. It’s unbelievably selfish and the fall out will be immense, for your children as well as your DH.

You need to give your head a wobble.

It's not destiny, it is scummy.

Of course crack on and hurt two families. Do you really think your children will look back when they find out what you've done and be proud? Hell no. It doesn't matter how you dress it up, you are playing with fire. He didn't choose you last time. You are now sloppy seconds. You deserve each other and your families deserve better

Grim. You’re trying to make a seedy side shag into an epic live story. Chances are this will all come crashing down and it will hurt so many people in the process. How could you do that to your partner? You must despise him to be able to do this and then go home and just crack on as if nothing has happened. I honestly think that people who can do what you to are doing must have some kind of personality disorder.

Leave your poor partner (for his sake) and see how fast you don’t see this man for dust. If he wanted to be with you he would be already, it’s that simple.

Grow up. You’re a mother, start thinking of your poor child and not your sordid sex life.

Is there a way we can have some sort of relationship without leaving our partners until our children are much much older?

I'm usually very nice on MN but I gotta ask are you trolling?

Tell your partner you want to stay with him while loving and shagging another bloke and see if he’s okay with it. If he has the same chat with his partner and she’s happy then go for it

Can't believe you're here asking for tips on how to conduct an affair when there's so many woman (and probably a few men) who have posted about their partner's cheating.

Grim

Oops, fucked up the quote there but it still stands!

You are both sleazy

Leave your partner, obviously. You don't need to make such a boring drama about it.

You weren’t good enough then and you aren’t good enough now (well at least not wife or mother material) I guess you guys are sexually compatible though.

shame your sense of self worth is so low

You want a long term affair until your child is what 18? Zero chance of you achieving that without getting caught. Plus does the clock start again if you or he have additional children?

Absolute head in the clouds nonsense.

Leave your partners, take the flack, and get in with it honestly and transparently.

@wrenhillig

Leave both your partners and be with each other. You cannot protect the little ones damage is done. You carry this on and found out the hurt you cause your partners and the hate.
Come clean no other way to protect these children. You could live separated but can't see it will that guy. Best both pack your bags leave.
Any kind of love or respect for your partners you tell them the truth and face the consequences.

An ex is an ex for a reason. Don't ever go back. You said it was a painful breakup. Do you want to risk that again?

Or do the decent thing and you both leave your partners and take things slowly. He's probably just telling you what you want to hear.