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Original poster

Affair with former partner, we both have children

116 replies

wrenhillig · 21/07/2022 10:53

Would love some advice.
I was in a relationship with someone I was totally in love with. We were on and off for years and eventually had a very painful breakup involving an abortion whilst I was the 'other woman' and he was living with someone else.
I ended up marrying someone else and having a child, my daughter is almost two.
He is still with that lady and has a son.
His son is almost 4 now.
We have not had much contact for a while but I recently was up in the city he lives in and we reconnected. We spent two nights together and while we didn't have sex, we did other things. And it was beautiful. I've missed him every day for years, and it was like we'd never parted.
We're both so in love and have discussed how we can see each other again. But we don't want to leave our partners as its unfair on our respective children, both of whom are so young.
I know its wrong etc etc, but I never stopped loving him and he never stopped loving me. I don't believe in destiny but this feels like the closest to it.

My question is, what do I do?
Is there a way we can have some sort of relationship without leaving our partners until our children are much much older? Does this even sound realistic? Does anyone have any experience with this kind of thing? Is it possible to make it work?
I know I'm selfish etc, there's no need to give me a lecture - I'm looking for some genuine advice. Thank you.

OP posts:
queenie2016 · 21/07/2022 12:28

Leave your husband affairs are awful your living in a dream world if he truly wanted to be with you he would of been years ago or he'd leave his wife right now he doesn't he wants to have his cake and eat it please put a stop to this .

youlightupmyday · 21/07/2022 12:29

I don't think he will leave his wife. Not looking how your relationship has worked out. He is avoiding responsibility and living in escapism.

Ypu need to cut ties and stay away from him and get counselling about which needs this 'love story' meets.

Btw leaving when they little is easier than when they are older as then they have opinions. Not that that helps you.

queenie2016 · 21/07/2022 12:30

Please think about the damage it will do you can't even imagine the heartbreak it will cause for other people the actually mental torture they will go through for years even, I've been heat and just coming out the other side and I've been through hell I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

L0bstersLass · 21/07/2022 12:30

wrenhillig · 21/07/2022 10:53

Would love some advice.
I was in a relationship with someone I was totally in love with. We were on and off for years and eventually had a very painful breakup involving an abortion whilst I was the 'other woman' and he was living with someone else.
I ended up marrying someone else and having a child, my daughter is almost two.
He is still with that lady and has a son.
His son is almost 4 now.
We have not had much contact for a while but I recently was up in the city he lives in and we reconnected. We spent two nights together and while we didn't have sex, we did other things. And it was beautiful. I've missed him every day for years, and it was like we'd never parted.
We're both so in love and have discussed how we can see each other again. But we don't want to leave our partners as its unfair on our respective children, both of whom are so young.
I know its wrong etc etc, but I never stopped loving him and he never stopped loving me. I don't believe in destiny but this feels like the closest to it.

My question is, what do I do?
Is there a way we can have some sort of relationship without leaving our partners until our children are much much older? Does this even sound realistic? Does anyone have any experience with this kind of thing? Is it possible to make it work?
I know I'm selfish etc, there's no need to give me a lecture - I'm looking for some genuine advice. Thank you.

If he wanted to be with you, he would be.
You've never been his first choice and you aren't now.
What do you do? You find your self respect and stop spending time with him.

devonianBiatch · 21/07/2022 12:31

I can't even imagine being a 18-20 year old and finding out that my mum had only stuck with my dad due to me. I'd feel crushing guilt. Like my entire childhood was a fake while she was waiting to have a proper life. No proper memories etc. I'd be devoed and have to spend the rest of my life in and out of therapy.

I know that cos that's what happened to me. I'm STILL in therapy and likely will be forever. I'm especially angry as she could have just broken up the family and I'd have had a happier mum And seen a happier dad every other weekend and for half of the holidays. Instead they were both bloody miserable trying to "save" my childhood ( that they destroyed).

RedRec · 21/07/2022 12:33

He chose her. He is still choosing her. Can you really not see what is going on here?

DoElephantsHaveWrinkles · 21/07/2022 12:33

This isn't some great love story of star-crossed lovers. This is a sordid little affair that will end up hurting both of your families.

Can you imagine your child's face in 18 years, when they find out you've been cheating all of their childhood? There's a good chance it would ruin your relationship with them. Everything they look back on would be a lie. How could you do that to someone you love?

Leave your partner and shack up with the other man if that's what you want, just don't try and ruin other people's lives so you can have a sleazy affair with an ex.

supercali77 · 21/07/2022 12:35

Its easier to leave when children are younger, not older. When they're older they've had longer to get used to the family unit and they're less flexible and more emotionally difficult to reach. Young children adapt quite quickly if its amicable.

Its morally reprehensible to let 2 other adults stay stuck in relationships where there is no future, ita a betrayal of the highest order. So either leave or end the affair.

Spohn · 21/07/2022 12:38

We spent two nights together and while we didn't have sex, we did other things. And it was beautiful.

🤢 spare us, thanks.

Get your husbands consent for an open marriage, then you can get all the nobbing you want with abortion man. What you’re doing at the minute is minging.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 21/07/2022 12:41

supercali77 · 21/07/2022 12:35

Its easier to leave when children are younger, not older. When they're older they've had longer to get used to the family unit and they're less flexible and more emotionally difficult to reach. Young children adapt quite quickly if its amicable.

Its morally reprehensible to let 2 other adults stay stuck in relationships where there is no future, ita a betrayal of the highest order. So either leave or end the affair.

This.

Plus the fact that your average tween / teen actually has a strong moral code and so will have an opinion on mum leaving dad for another man. And will be happy to share it. And if they choose to punish you by refusing to see you then they are old enough to make that decision.

Shgytfgtf111 · 21/07/2022 12:45

We're both so in love

Not sure that goes for both of you to be honest

SunshineAndFizz · 21/07/2022 12:47

No you can't have it all.

Either end both your marriages and make a go of it. Or end your affair and never see him again.

velvetvixen · 21/07/2022 12:50

He wants you back as his side shag, because it's easier for him than finding someone else to fill that role.

TiddleyWink · 21/07/2022 12:50

Everyone is cringing for you OP, can’t you see that? We can see this for what it is a million miles away. It’s not a romantic story of star crossed lovers. He dumped you when you were pregnant with his baby, happily let you abort said baby, stayed with his first choice woman and had a child with her. And you think he’s in love with you?! Sorry to be blunt but there are kids involved here, you need to pull your head out of your own backside and think of someone else. He’s just checking he could still have you if he wanted you and enjoying a cheap thrill. Actions speak louder than words. Much, much louder.

Summerslam · 21/07/2022 13:00

We're both so in love

No you're not. This man dumped you before and he'll dump you again. You can't conduct a long-term affair without there being some kind of fall out. Tell your husband you don't love him and end the marriage, you're being really cruel to him. I doubt your lover will stick around once you're single again. He wants an affair partner, not a needy woman who thinks he is The One.

What is beautiful about a sleazy affair? How did you randomly reconnect when you were in his city? I would bet my salary you messaged him from your hotel room and he came over for sex, and not because he truly, madly, deeply loves you.

Get some self-respect.

CantaloupeMelon · 21/07/2022 13:05

Leave your partners OP. In many ways it's easier with very young DC who don't really understand what's going on.

That's if he actually does want you instead of his current partner. I have my doubts tbh.

Louise0701 · 21/07/2022 13:07

He say he never stopped loving you; I would say he has never loved you. He presumably agreed to you aborting your affair baby and stayed with his partner; whom he has since married and had a child with.

this man doesn’t love you, you’re a plaything. If you don’t love your husband you should leave him.

OrlandointheWilderness · 21/07/2022 13:07

Oh for gods sake, really! Grow up.

Dozycuntlaters · 21/07/2022 13:08

So....you were the OW years ago when he didn't have a children. And is still with the same woman. What was his excuse then about not leaving his partner for you at that time? She was mad? She would kill herself? And now of course he has a kid its the perfect excuse.

Beautiful night? Both so in love? wake up OP, he is using you now as he was using you then.

Iwonder08 · 21/07/2022 13:12

There is nothing in your post that would suggest your lover has any intention of leaving his wife any time soon (or ever) even if you do leave your marriage. My advice is to have some therapy to work on your issues, I. E. Why do you seek relationship with the man who is unavailable, why did you marry someone else when you 'were thinking about another man every day', why do you continue this unhealthy situation

HouseInTheHills · 21/07/2022 13:14

It was beautiful

Not sure if to laugh or be sick. It’s clearly a goady thread, very unlikely to be real anyway. One for reddit I think.

Crikeyalmighty · 21/07/2022 13:16

You either end your marriage and take the risk he may/may not leave his wife- if he doesn't then it's clear you were just a nice bit of extra stuff for him I'm afraid.

Or you accept you can't be in touch.

Burnt0range · 21/07/2022 13:16

This is abhorrent and you're running on pure lust, not love. And if it is love, it's clearly not reciprocated otherwise you'd have both been together many moons ago.

This is messy and won't have a happy ending either way! However, if you cut this off now, you're likely to do the least amount of damage.

CapriSun090 · 21/07/2022 13:18

Quite simply. If he wanted to be with you... He would.

lunar1 · 21/07/2022 13:21

He never chooses you first and there is nothing beautiful about it.

If your sec life is more important than your child's well-being then go for it.

If you aren't happy in your relationship then end it, but you can't then bring a random affair partner into your child's life.

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