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Original poster

Affair with former partner, we both have children

116 replies

wrenhillig · 21/07/2022 10:53

Would love some advice.
I was in a relationship with someone I was totally in love with. We were on and off for years and eventually had a very painful breakup involving an abortion whilst I was the 'other woman' and he was living with someone else.
I ended up marrying someone else and having a child, my daughter is almost two.
He is still with that lady and has a son.
His son is almost 4 now.
We have not had much contact for a while but I recently was up in the city he lives in and we reconnected. We spent two nights together and while we didn't have sex, we did other things. And it was beautiful. I've missed him every day for years, and it was like we'd never parted.
We're both so in love and have discussed how we can see each other again. But we don't want to leave our partners as its unfair on our respective children, both of whom are so young.
I know its wrong etc etc, but I never stopped loving him and he never stopped loving me. I don't believe in destiny but this feels like the closest to it.

My question is, what do I do?
Is there a way we can have some sort of relationship without leaving our partners until our children are much much older? Does this even sound realistic? Does anyone have any experience with this kind of thing? Is it possible to make it work?
I know I'm selfish etc, there's no need to give me a lecture - I'm looking for some genuine advice. Thank you.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 21/07/2022 18:56

There have actually been a fair few thoughtful responses focusing on your children and the effect on them.

I'm asking this genuinely, have any of those made you rethink things?

Calling people a load of bored bitter mums when some people have taken the time to write responses from the POV of your children and saying eww when you're cheating seems very counter productive if presumably you want your kids to be your priority in life.

velvetvixen · 21/07/2022 19:00

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Why the hell would someone post here about their scummy little affair and expect everyone to be in awe of it and help you enable it?

RoomForMoreDogs · 21/07/2022 19:07

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Poor kid having that as a mum. 💩

Sandra1984 · 21/07/2022 19:14

This is not a love story, this is toxic and it will hurt your life and family in many ways. This horrible man clearly has a dangerous grip on you. His ego must be in cloud 9 knowing that after all he put you through and after being married you’re still head over heels.

Google “limerence” and PTSD.

Sandra1984 · 21/07/2022 19:18

And no, I’m not bored nor a mom, I’m middle age with a fun job and a boyfriend 10 years younger that keeps me very happy.

Tablechairtable · 21/07/2022 19:20

Of course he doesn't want to leave his wife. He didn't last time. Sorry but he's in love with his ego and what's in his pants. What man wouldn't love that arrangement? You either leave your partners or you move on.

drpet49 · 21/07/2022 19:20

“Is there a way we can have some sort of relationship without leaving our partners until our children are much much older?”

^Are you for real? Leave your husband and tell him to get a health check.

Scorpio8 · 21/07/2022 19:22

@wrenhillig

People are going over the top because of their personal experiences ignore them.

Someone said the kids are so young to understand.

But make sure he actually wants what you want before making decisions. Although talking to your current partner about whatever is wrong in your relationship. You can't keep him as back up.

Whatever you do make sure you thought through it first properly. Some people have given good advice.

Angrymum22 · 21/07/2022 19:25

IMy interpretation of your post is that you were an on and off OW for a number of years. So he has never seen you as the real deal, just a sideline for a bit of excitement. He’s now looking to reinstate you and you’ve fallen for it again.
Why does he not want you as the primary and only woman in his life?
I think you need to a frank conversation with him and set out your wants and needs. You want a normal living relationship with him exclusive of other women. If you are both in agreement then you both need to end your current relationships before starting afresh and then live happily ever after.
If this is not on the cards then block and never contact him again.

Travis1 · 21/07/2022 19:29

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NanaNelly · 21/07/2022 19:32

Of course you had sex. It may not have been PIV but you had sex and pretending you didn’t doesn’t make your get together any the less cheap and nasty.

Hawkins001 · 21/07/2022 19:34

wrenhillig · 21/07/2022 10:53

Would love some advice.
I was in a relationship with someone I was totally in love with. We were on and off for years and eventually had a very painful breakup involving an abortion whilst I was the 'other woman' and he was living with someone else.
I ended up marrying someone else and having a child, my daughter is almost two.
He is still with that lady and has a son.
His son is almost 4 now.
We have not had much contact for a while but I recently was up in the city he lives in and we reconnected. We spent two nights together and while we didn't have sex, we did other things. And it was beautiful. I've missed him every day for years, and it was like we'd never parted.
We're both so in love and have discussed how we can see each other again. But we don't want to leave our partners as its unfair on our respective children, both of whom are so young.
I know its wrong etc etc, but I never stopped loving him and he never stopped loving me. I don't believe in destiny but this feels like the closest to it.

My question is, what do I do?
Is there a way we can have some sort of relationship without leaving our partners until our children are much much older? Does this even sound realistic? Does anyone have any experience with this kind of thing? Is it possible to make it work?
I know I'm selfish etc, there's no need to give me a lecture - I'm looking for some genuine advice. Thank you.

As long as you can compartmentalize, your activities, what about an affair ?

Thefriendlymoth · 21/07/2022 19:35

As the child of a parent who had a secret affair, I assure you if you go ahead, it will come to light and it WILL impact your children in a far greater way than if you just left the relationship. Staying with your partners “for the kids” is a bullshit excuse to not do the harder, more honest thing.

I can say it has MASSIVELY impacted my relationship the parent who had the affair, caused a great deal of pain then and still gives me trust issues to this day. If you are going to do it, leave your partners, you cannot have you cake and eat it in this situation. The longer the secrecy and deception goes on, the bigger the fall out.

NanaNelly · 21/07/2022 19:35

Even if I was bored and bitter it would be preferable to being you.

Hawkins001 · 21/07/2022 19:39

Thefriendlymoth · 21/07/2022 19:35

As the child of a parent who had a secret affair, I assure you if you go ahead, it will come to light and it WILL impact your children in a far greater way than if you just left the relationship. Staying with your partners “for the kids” is a bullshit excuse to not do the harder, more honest thing.

I can say it has MASSIVELY impacted my relationship the parent who had the affair, caused a great deal of pain then and still gives me trust issues to this day. If you are going to do it, leave your partners, you cannot have you cake and eat it in this situation. The longer the secrecy and deception goes on, the bigger the fall out.

If they are carefull enough, then it's quite possible it could last, there's even a book on how to plan for having an affair.

BellaLab · 21/07/2022 19:40

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I’m wondering why you posted for advice to bored bitter mums? 🙄. I’m neither, however, I do have morals…

Sandra1984 · 21/07/2022 19:41

Did the Op really thought people would be cheering at her and giving her tips on how to cheat on her husband and shag a married guy who treats her like dirt? 🤔

(Some people are weird)

Catlover1970 · 21/07/2022 19:42

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The only nasty person on here is you. The truth hurts. You’re just a cheap shag. He wants to be with his partner!

LetHimHaveIt · 21/07/2022 19:44

'We spent two nights together and while we didn't have sex, we did other things. And it was beautiful.'

'He finger-banged me and I let him finish off on my tits. And it was embarrassingly adolescent.'

Babyghirl · 21/07/2022 20:01

@wrenhillig sorry but what of this so you think is OK. How would you like to find of your dp was doing this to you, I feel sorry for your dp he deserves so much better and someone who is going to love him let him go.

CanYouNotReadTheSign · 21/07/2022 20:18

Well OP, you've definitely got a reaction on here. Well played 👌🏾

velvetvixen · 21/07/2022 20:25

If OP is real, she is the bored bitter mum!

MmeMeursault · 21/07/2022 20:27

"When a man marries his mistress, he creates a job vacancy"

Bellyups · 21/07/2022 20:27

What do you do? You give your head a wobble.

You were last choice before, and you are again.
He chooses her, with a little bit on the side.

HangryFeminist · 21/07/2022 20:30

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If I hadn’t already suspected a troll, the wording in this post is pretty much a give away….

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