Affair with former partner, we both have children

[wrenhillig]

Would love some advice.
I was in a relationship with someone I was totally in love with. We were on and off for years and eventually had a very painful breakup involving an abortion whilst I was the 'other woman' and he was living with someone else.
I ended up marrying someone else and having a child, my daughter is almost two.
He is still with that lady and has a son.
His son is almost 4 now.
We have not had much contact for a while but I recently was up in the city he lives in and we reconnected. We spent two nights together and while we didn't have sex, we did other things. And it was beautiful. I've missed him every day for years, and it was like we'd never parted.
We're both so in love and have discussed how we can see each other again. But we don't want to leave our partners as its unfair on our respective children, both of whom are so young.
I know its wrong etc etc, but I never stopped loving him and he never stopped loving me. I don't believe in destiny but this feels like the closest to it.

My question is, what do I do?
Is there a way we can have some sort of relationship without leaving our partners until our children are much much older? Does this even sound realistic? Does anyone have any experience with this kind of thing? Is it possible to make it work?
I know I'm selfish etc, there's no need to give me a lecture - I'm looking for some genuine advice. Thank you.

"Bitter", the word most commonly deployed by cheats 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's all about the excitement and not reality.
Your reality is with your partner.

"eventually had a very painful breakup involving an abortion whilst I was the 'other woman' and he was living with someone else."

You were the other woman, you are still the other woman. Pointing out the obvious doesn't mean i'm bored or bitter, it is just flaming obvious. Will he leave her now? whose idea is it to have an affair? his maybe......

He's not so in love with you. If he was you would have been together when you had a two year relationship.

You are about to destroy the guy who has stood by you as a husband and father for the one who turned his back on you resulting in you having an abortion.

I don't normally agree that nice guys finish last but bloody hell. Getting off with each other when you met wasn't beautiful it was a sleazy betrayal of the people that are there for you.

You need to cut ties entirely with any contact with this bloke. He is your drug and it is not real as you think it is.

Seems possible, considering the question

"My question is, what do I do?
Is there a way we can have some sort of relationship without leaving our partners until our children are much much older?"

I think this may be a troll post. But wow, some of you really went to town.
If this was a genuine post, I would say, either end the affair now or leave current partner OP.
Speak to the OP about your expectations as well and please consider he may not leave his wife.
If you end up together, it is best to leave current partner and not hurt them further. Children also adapt to this kind of thing better than teens or adults do and better a short term affair and marriage breakup than a long term affair, long term lying and deceit and then eventual marriage breakup which is going to hurt a lot of people much more eventually (like the people above mentioned who experienced such thing).

So yeah, end your relationship with one of the men..

to the OM*

Your post is sad, tragic & naive.

You've always just been the OW, both now & in the past. You guys could have had a child together but chose not to at the time for reason. He didn't have the first lady then,he isn't leaving the second lady then.

Also, it seems really naive to think he wouldn't cheat on you, considering he is so willing to cheat with you. You are only fooling yourself. Your husband deserves better. You actually deserve better to but this is of your own making.

You can't have everything. You have to decide what you value and what you are able to make some sacrifices for.
Affair my work in short term but you're risking way more then just losing your integrity as its most likely it will end really badly for everyone involved.
If you want to leave then now is best time. Children are more affected by parents break up when they are older rather then very little. But you need to keep in mind that your fantasy might differ from reality and seems like you have a very immature and idealistic view or the relationship with this man.

My advice is for you and this other man to stop being so selfish and stop thinking about yourselves. Try focusing on your marriage and if you can’t do that, come clean to your husband and separate. Stop being deceitful to him. No, you cannot have a relationship with another man while you are married. You took marriage vows and if you can’t uphold them, then let your husband find someone else who will love him unconditionally. As for your daughter, how do you think she will feel when she finds out her mother cheated on her father? She will be heartbroken. You say you don’t want a lecture, well you need one. You are an entitled self-centered person. Based on your post all you think about is yourself and this other man. You want to have your cake and eat it too. That’s not how life works. You are going to end up hurting everyone around you and chances are, nothing will happen with this other man. You may even alienate your daughter. Time to leave the past in the past and grow up. Start thinking about others before yourself!

Sorry but this is awful. You are completely deluding yourself. You need to get a divorce.

If he wanted you enough he wouldn’t have chosen his wife. The fact that you had to have a abortion must have been painful. Maybe seeming him numbs that pain.
I wonder if he is “the one” in your head but is using you. I would suggest getting yourself counselling to decide if your current partner is enough for you and to deal with the past. It sounds like you are risking a lot of hurt. As much as you want him in your life it may not be possible.
I think many people have that one that doesn’t work out but you have to walk away out of care and respect for yourself.

Leave your current partner, if you cared for him you wouldn't look at anyone else new or old....
The kids won't care and it's better in the long run as if you continue to sneak around your relationship with the child's dad will become strained (no one can keep two going well).
If you are the bit on the side you will eventually resent it.
I have been the other woman whilst being single myself, if it's meant to be they will leave if not you have a fresh start :)

I've seen the damage affairs do and it's not just two families that are caught up in it there's the two sets of grandparents and whoever else in the family.
You're another woman's sloppy seconds for the second time I think you've got your head in the clouds.

You would have to ask him to live a lie for the next 14 years at least. String his partner along until their child is an adult. Then he will be free to leave and join you in cloud cuckoo land.
Firstly, if you loved him as much as you say you do then you would never ask this of him.
Secondly, if he were to manage to pull off this amazing acting feat for 14 years, how could you ever trust him or respect him?
Ditto vice versa for you too?

Before carrying on a long term affair, consider your current reason for not leaving your husband. Do you think once your kid finds out that you cheated on his/her father for years before calling it quits, that he/she will be okay with that? For all you know, your kid will not want anything to do with you for doing that - there are a ton of stories like that. Your kid could be fine with it, but generally kids dispise cheating that broke their family up.

If you move forward, you should divorce your husband first. Then the lesson to your kid is to seek what makes you happy, but do it the right way. Don't just screw people over so you get what you desire.

If you chose to stay with your husband, you have to stop talking to the other guy. Put it in your past and move on. This is from someone who did cheat on his wife and reconciled with her. Been 4 years since coming clean. I can tell you if you don't put the other person in the past, you'll never be happy with your current partner.