Affair with former partner, we both have children

[wrenhillig]

Would love some advice.
I was in a relationship with someone I was totally in love with. We were on and off for years and eventually had a very painful breakup involving an abortion whilst I was the 'other woman' and he was living with someone else.
I ended up marrying someone else and having a child, my daughter is almost two.
He is still with that lady and has a son.
His son is almost 4 now.
We have not had much contact for a while but I recently was up in the city he lives in and we reconnected. We spent two nights together and while we didn't have sex, we did other things. And it was beautiful. I've missed him every day for years, and it was like we'd never parted.
We're both so in love and have discussed how we can see each other again. But we don't want to leave our partners as its unfair on our respective children, both of whom are so young.
I know its wrong etc etc, but I never stopped loving him and he never stopped loving me. I don't believe in destiny but this feels like the closest to it.

My question is, what do I do?
Is there a way we can have some sort of relationship without leaving our partners until our children are much much older? Does this even sound realistic? Does anyone have any experience with this kind of thing? Is it possible to make it work?
I know I'm selfish etc, there's no need to give me a lecture - I'm looking for some genuine advice. Thank you.

I have a tendency to agree. Come on MN and ask if its OK to have an affair and ways to make it work? Definitely fake and designed to illicit strong reactions.

Either that or the poster really is thick.

I think if you are going to leave you should leave now because your kids are so young. A two year old doesn’t have memories of being two - when they are older they will be used to a blended family.

He's just not that into you OP. Otherwise he would have chosen you in the first place.

You're setting yourself up for a lot of heartbreak.

Just declare your identity as Poly-something and go for it. There's no other way of spinning out extra-marital stuff with another married partner for years unless you have the organisational skills of a highly-developed robot.

There is always a bill to pay, OP, and with an affair you are forcing your kids and partners to effectively pick up the huge unaffordable bill that you're run up with your affair partner. The question isn't if but when the bill will have to be paid...and it'll come due, completely out the blue as an awful life changing shock, ar the point when (when, not if) the affair gets uncovered.

The fallout will be horrific, so the only real way to mitigate this damage is to both leave your partner's now and then begin a relationship in the open.

Just on the basis of what you've told us so far, I feel that won't happen because he wouldn't leave his partner for you and never intended to. Sorry OP, this is a very bad idea.

The children will get over an amicable divorce, what they probably won't get over is finding out their parent was having an affair, which of course they would eventually find out even if you kept it quiet for now and divorced when they were older, you really think you could pretend you only just met and started a relationship after the divorce 10 years down the line? Nope it's stupid. Best case scenario the kids act out and get themselves in trouble, or hate the new step parent and blame them. Worst case they refuse to have anything to do with you. As a child of divorce I would have gone for the latter if my parent had been having a long term affair.
Don't be a dick to the kids just divorce now.

Exactly this.

Disgusting behaviour by both of you. Don’t drag your innocent children into it either - unbelievable level of shit parenting and selfishness.

He sounds toxic. You had a painful abortion last time presumably because he didn’t have the balls to commit to you.
he won’t have changed.
my suggestion is forget him and focus on you child and current husband.

Are we providing you with the desired level of attention OP? 😄

I had an affair myself and am obviously no nearly so anti-affair as many on here....but even I think this fella sounds a dud and a user and I'd eat my hat if he actually left his wife. Unless you actively are unhappy in your marriage and want to seperate anyway, then I think you need to leave this alone and try and get over it. Conducting a long term affair is not feasible either, aside altogether from the morality of it. I lasted 3 or 4 months before cracking, I lost loads of weight, wasn't there mentally for my children the way I should have been.

Gosh how grubby.

🤣🤣

Methinks OP is playing a sneaky trick on us 🤥

It's not great what OP is doing with this guy behind her partner and his wife.

You all are being way to harsh on her.

I don't think even myself been in a situation like hers. But obviously they have some sort of a connection. She must have mixed feelings.

Some people are meant to be together but once they end their current relationships. It could be a mistake what happened and they both realize it can't go further.

You all not perfect. Let's one day out of the blue a situation happens or your caught in a situation like this.

What kind of a person are you to even consider such a thing ? Do you not think your partner should know the truth about the way you feel about him. You should tell him your not in love with him anymore and that you love someone else so that he can then decide if he wants to stay in such a relationship with you . Your selfish and thinking only of yourself !!

If you were that much in love and both right for each other you would be together now, you would not have broken up and had an abortion, he chose his current partner over you and now has a child with them, wake up fgs.

In the nicest possible way, I think you are being played. He didn't leave a lady for you before and he won't now or ever. Is this really love, or just romanticised escapism?

Gotta wonder if you’re trolling… I mean trolls like to push buttons and your post will probably do that 🙃

What's unfair to your respective children is to carry on like this.

Do you think that's a good example to set for them? Let alone if you were just in an unhappy marriage without the affair.

You're lying to yourself otherwise. It's just an excuse you can lean on to avoid the difficult path.

Trust me. I am one such child, parents divorced in my mid20s, there was an affair and much much more damage done with the lying about it for years and years.

I'm begging you please don't inflict this on your kids. You are NOT doing them any favours by waiting until they are older.

Exactly. It’s obv. A fake post

I think you’re deluding yourself OP.

This is a guy who had you as the OW before. He’s still with the woman he was with then. If he wanted to be with you he would have.

Why on earth would you think anything has changed?

You’re going to hurt your children either way if you continue with this. So either let your poor husband go so he can meet someone who genuinely loves him enough to stay faithful, or cut this ridiculous affair off and focus on being loyal to your family

This.

You feel both guilty and angry when you're that child.

I was 18 too when they split after growing up in a tense household where I never saw them so much as hold hands. Didn't laugh with each other or have in jokes. Resentment and low level pass agg on both sides.

It so often causes kids to go on to be adults in shit, unhappy relationships because their expectations are then so low and unhappy relationships / 'well that's the best it gets' attitudes have been imprinted during childhood.

I wish I'd seen them both flourish instead of them finally splitting the year I went to uni. Not because I was bothered they split, but because I was pissed off they waited when it wasn't best for anyone involved.

My 20s were a bit of a shitshow relationship wise and it's only now in my 30s that I am in a long term relationship with someone who makes me laugh every day and I am genuinely excited about a future with. I didn't really believe that was possible when it should be the absolute minimum!

You're being selfish to stay when it comes to your children. It would be better to leave, get your head straight and not have an exit affair.

You need to grow up basically if you think it's possible to have your cake and eat it too.

I was one of the children in a situation similar to what you want to do.
All of the children ended up with very fucked up ideas about love and relationships. We found out why as adults and it took allot of therapy to get some of us over it. Some of us will never be "normal".
Leave your husband, if you ever cared about him at all, let him find someone who actually cares about him.

We were on and off for years and eventually had a very painful breakup involving an abortion whilst I was the 'other woman' and he was living with someone else.

Bloody hell. So you've always been his second choice and you probably would have been overjoyed if he had said he would leave her and you could raise the baby together.

This toxic relationship made you feel that enthralled by him and willing to make such sacrifices despite still not being his first choice.

He wasn't married. He didn't have kids with her. There was no reason not to choose to be with you other than him simply not wanting to be.

That all aside, I'm sorry that you had a termination when you likely didn't really want to (based on the fact you probably wanted to be with him) as that's always a horrible experience if the termination is not genuinely something you would have chosen if he hadn't wanted it.