Does anyone else have a husband like this?

[Kanfuzed123]

I know I usually post quite lighthearted things but there’s one thing that’s been getting to me for a while, I’m probably going to phrase this unreasonably or harshly and I’m prepared to get flamed/called out on it. But I feel like my husband can’t do anything. By that I mean without supervision or me having run around and check he’s done it properly after, which he doesn’t take kindly to.

some are minor thing and some not but he just won’t listen. I’ll give you a major for instance, been on holiday and rented a car, putting car seats for kids back in our car, because as per usual I’m watching the kids and cooking (I also have a bad back so it’s hard for me to lift them, bend over and install them) they are isofix (aka easier to install). My fault I didn’t supervise him or check he’d done it properly after. He’s taken both children out in the car since, I got to put kids in car and dc1’s car seat is 6 inches off the bottom of the car seat and dc2 isn’t flush against the back aka they are incorrectly installed, which he refused to believe but it’s f’ing deadly and anyone with eyes could see it was wrong, and no he isn’t visually impaired.

i ask to watch food whilst I feed baby, i come back and it’s burnt black to the bottom of the pan… I say to him I said to watch it, to which he says oh i did, you didn’t say to not let it burn

what’s really got me today, is our online grocery order. I menu plan and he puts the order in, i wrote explicit ingredients and then an acceptable sub… get the order to today and he’s ordered half wrong sodding stuff. I’m honestly at breaking point with it. This is ridiculous right?

To be fair, he cleans the kitchen once a week and does the bins/hoovering.

Who will play him in the film?

I think Benedict Cumberbatch. He might just about be ready for it after playing Alan Turing.

It’s very easy to stand on the sidelines and cry LTB, and whilst if we were in a relationship (no marriage, no kids, no house, no present maternity leave) I would have, if he acted this way. Presently it’s just not that simple, children, house, cost of living and my only earning smp, no family or friend support network (big life event saw a lot of ‘friends’ (sarcastic air quotes) vanish. There’s also, if we did split, it’s 50/50 custody and his stupidity with the children will go unchecked and it would be unlimited access to his family and the mother who raised him to be like this (let’s all use our imaginations to imagine what kind of woman she is: hint the MIL of MN nightmares ) and that’s too risky, truthfully I don’t to leave him right now, whether that’s because I’m still emotionally committed to the marriage or because leaving at this present moment would be ‘too difficult’ I don’t know… in truth I’d need to do some soul searching in that.
what I do know is that, all of this IS destroying our relationship, to the extent that I’d forgotten how ‘equal’ we used to be, and if it’s not over now, If it persists then it will be because I’m so goddamn angry. What doesn’t help is that his community is so goddamn backwards that he’s a bastion of enlightenment in comparison. The tales I could tell you all would leave you gobsmacked, but that’s a MN thread for another day.

im not defending him as all I have said above is gods honest truth, he does do things around the house, again probably ‘more’ task wise than I, it’s just that it’s done in the most bizarre way possible and not done well so it has to be re done. He does attempt cooking, it’s just that every single step has to be described in detail and checked along the way and it’s exhausting

^ meant to say my last ditch effort whilst I still have the minerals to care is marriage counselling, if that can’t inspire change or the brain to become engaged then I’m all out of solutions and crucially effort and separation is inevitable

There’s also, if we did split, it’s 50/50 custody

Is he really prepared to take them 50% of the time?

im not defending him as all I have said above is gods honest truth, he does do things around the house, again probably ‘more’ task wise than I, it’s just that it’s done in the most bizarre way possible and not done well so it has to be re done. He does attempt cooking, it’s just that every single step has to be described in detail and checked along the way and it’s exhausting

Does it count when he does it in such a way that it creates more work?

I understand what you're saying in your post. Just making a couple of relevant points.

You need to brace yourself for a future of frustration, disappointment, sadness and never feeling that your efforts are good enough then. I guarantee that this situation will continue to get worse.

What a waste of your life.

Best of luck, Op.

I've seen a change in my dh since he started following "The Man Who Has It All".

It sounds ridiculous, but he started noticing things that just weren't on his radar before. Daft example, but now he'll walk into the room to ask me how to cook the potatoes, pause and walk out again - I know this because I then hear him saying, "Hey G, how long do I boil potatoes,"!

I'm not trivialising anything, but I do know that marriage counselling is so expensive, divorce more so. Since he started noticing, I've felt that it is no longer starting an argument to say, "Nobody trained me to do this either you know."

Baby steps. I still spend time thinking about leaving and feeling jealous of all the husbands who do DIY, the finances, book holidays, make dental appointments, notice the hedge needs cutting, don't think spending 30 minutes washing up is fast, and on, on, on, on...

OP "What doesn’t help is that his community is so goddamn backwards that he’s a bastion of enlightenment in comparison"

eek. I must admit, I don't know how you got past that. I don't date but when I did, a very narrow realm of shared cultural history really mattered to me. I once dated a man who didn't watch drama or read fiction and it nearly made my head explode. (He is now married and has learned the joys of television).

Yes he’d want 50/50, 100%

and no it’s doesn’t count, it’s like those certificates they give you in primary school when you’ve not achieved anything but shown up with shoes on the right feet

it doesn’t count*

OP "and no it’s doesn’t count, it’s like those certificates they give you in primary school when you’ve not achieved anything but shown up with shoes on the right feet"

that made me 😂

so in reality, he'd give the kids to his family for his 50%?

If he doesn't do 50% of the work at home now, why does he think he'd step up then? Is he just saying this or would he really go through with it?

Oh, hang on. Would he parachute his mum in to do the heavy lifting while not paying any maintenance since it's 50:50?

( @Gentleness )
I've seen a change in my dh since he started following "The Man Who Has It All".

I thought that was a parody pointing out all the bullshit phrases and advice that never get directed at men?

I don’t think he’s refuse maintenance because he’s a soft touch with the kids but I don’t know as you never really know do you.

i think if I kept our house, he’d move back in with mummy dearest so she’d be there when he had the kids and that my friends is enough

He’s from a specific community in the uk that’s quite infamous for being backward and insular, wont name it to avoid creating more stigma because of course not everyone is like the trope and I’m from another. But he had to fight tooth and nail to be with me from a familial acceptance point of view and likewise myself (although to a lesser extent) as I said before, prior to mat leave and lockdown and when we rented a 2 bed flat together everything was remarkably equal and he gladly learned cooking and new dishes together, we bought a few of those fancy ‘trendy’ cookbooks, but it’s like he’s been drinking idiot juice. He still does things but it’s like he lacks all critical factors to think independently

If he’s employed paye then risk avoiding maintenance is less of an issue than if self employed.
I do understand your concerns about him trying to parent them if you split and he had contact whilst they are so young.

^what I’ve also noticed and it seems also to be cultural thing or at least a familial thing to not care about possessions or clothes, I don’t mean being overly materialistic but I mean taking care not to trash things. You can see it in how little care he takes in things, you know not putting a bib on the kids so they ruin their clothes, no putting coasters down, letting things get run down rather than taking care of them

( @Gentleness )
I've seen a change in my dh since he started following "The Man Who Has It All".
I thought that was a parody pointing out all the bullshit phrases and advice that never get directed at men?

@ReneBumsWombats it is! It's as if he needed the sarcasm to notice it. Now he notices it so much and is pretty shocked and appalled and much, much more ready to change.

Oh god, some of this is really funny! But mostly familiarly relatable and depressing. Mine can't do a bloody thing. The most recent is the volume on the tv wasn't working - the remote was doing everything else but wasn't changing the volume. Not a huge problem as the volume was fine as it was. So he comes in from work last night with a new remote and a bag full of batteries, puts it all together and triumphantly marches in from the kitchen to save the day. Volume still doesn't respond. Both me and my youngest look at him and point out it was never the remote that was the problem, at which he throws a right strop, saying "well this is just great, I'm in a really bad mood now!" while dragging out all the stuff from the drawer to find the receipt from Currys. As he was on the phone to them, sighing and huffing and puffing while on hold, I took all of two minutes to google 'Sony TV volume problem' and found the solution was to unplug the tv and let it reset for one minute. So I unplugged it, waited one minute, plugged it back in, all fine and working again. He put the phone down aghast, no "oh, sorry for all the fuss I made, I was a bit over the top, I'm pleased the tv works now" nope, none of that. Instead he asked me who I want to be the next Prime Minister, as if nothing had happened, knowing fine well I'm the most anti-tory person around (he bloody loves them) and that this is the last thing I want to talk about. There's a lot more but I'd be here all day. Oh, and no sweetener of being a six figure earner to soften the blow, he earns the salary of a teenager.

OP,

Absolutely no suggestion that you up and leave immediately, but rather focus on what you can do to make this situation bareable.

Focus on the children, your career, being independent, saving quietly.

Looking tonthe future when you can create more options for yourself and not feel your life is going to be this way forever.

Quietly stop doing things for him, anything that makes his life easier.

Focus on just getting on with things as best you can.

Feed the children, eat simply with them.

No other cooking or shopping being done unless it's for the children.

Laundry the same.

Focus on being as independent as possible and making friends along the way.

You should be able to easily divorce men like this on the grounds that they hid their true nature & essentially tricked you.

billy bit confused, do that with an annoying wanker still in the house?

diddl I thought no fault divorce was already here.

The OP feels overwhelmed with the idea of leaving.

It is not an easy thing to do and she is still on mat leave.

But she is finding his selfish laziness very stressful.

My suggestion is for an interim period, to try and take time to plan, mind herself, and reduce the work load with two young children.

For example my friend years ago worked with 3 young children, and paid her childminder to give them dinner before she collected them at 6pm.

Both her husband and herself ate in the canteen at work.

She said the difference to her stress levels not having to start dinner the minute she was in the door was unbelievable.

As her children grew older they might have a supper snack like toast etc. but she wasn't cooking.

Small things can make a big difference to stress levels.

He sounds so awful, but if she can't leave, she has to try and protect herself from him the sheer annoyance of living with him.

Do you see yourself being with him in say a year to eighteen months time?.

The longer you remain within this marriage for what are really your own reasons, the harder it will feel to actually make the break away from him. No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable, and certainly not those you describe either. Whose sake are you really staying for; theirs or more likely your own because in your head its somehow "easier" to stay?.

Your children are also learning from you as well as their dad about relationships; is this really the role model you want to be showing them and for them to go onto potentially emulate?.

He will likely spout 50-50 because this is what such types do but in the long run he will find that the kids interfere with his time. Being an occasional weekend Disney Dad will be a lot easier for him to achieve if he is that serious about them at all which he is not. I would have a legally binding arrangement in place re his access to the children rather than any informal arrangement.

OP Hope this helps a little.
My partner is your go-to man for everyone if they have a problem. He is super intelligent. He fixes things that no-one else could. He thinks. He is kind and considerate and funny.
He also lets things burn. He does not 'hear' the pinger when it goes off, after I have asked him to listen out for it and turn something off.. it always burns.
He cannot cook. He struggles with toast. Once when I was out he tried making a bacon sandwich and he said it was inedible.
He can't use the washer but he could mend it if it broke.
He can mend anything that breaks down in our house, it does not necessarily mean he could use said item for it's original purpose.

I expect he could if he put his mind to it. It's a question of priorities and respect
Having said all of that I would still take him if he were up for grabs. The good outweighs the bad by a country mile.
I would say your husband does know the food is burning - has he no sense of smell?. It is a fine line between respect and contempt. Surely you can get your own back in some ways? I do.

What are you getting out of this relationship still with this man?. What is in this for you that is still worth hanging onto?. If you can honestly say that you are not personally getting anything out of this then why are you still there?.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. They won't say "thanks mum" to you for staying with him down the line if you decide to do that and they could well accuse you of putting him before them.

Bunty "It is a fine line between respect and contempt. Surely you can get your own back in some ways? I do."

what an awful way to live. My stomach honestly dropped reading that. I wonder how many marriages are like that.

is it a fine line between respect and contempt?