Does anyone else have a husband like this?

[Kanfuzed123]

I know I usually post quite lighthearted things but there’s one thing that’s been getting to me for a while, I’m probably going to phrase this unreasonably or harshly and I’m prepared to get flamed/called out on it. But I feel like my husband can’t do anything. By that I mean without supervision or me having run around and check he’s done it properly after, which he doesn’t take kindly to.

some are minor thing and some not but he just won’t listen. I’ll give you a major for instance, been on holiday and rented a car, putting car seats for kids back in our car, because as per usual I’m watching the kids and cooking (I also have a bad back so it’s hard for me to lift them, bend over and install them) they are isofix (aka easier to install). My fault I didn’t supervise him or check he’d done it properly after. He’s taken both children out in the car since, I got to put kids in car and dc1’s car seat is 6 inches off the bottom of the car seat and dc2 isn’t flush against the back aka they are incorrectly installed, which he refused to believe but it’s f’ing deadly and anyone with eyes could see it was wrong, and no he isn’t visually impaired.

i ask to watch food whilst I feed baby, i come back and it’s burnt black to the bottom of the pan… I say to him I said to watch it, to which he says oh i did, you didn’t say to not let it burn

what’s really got me today, is our online grocery order. I menu plan and he puts the order in, i wrote explicit ingredients and then an acceptable sub… get the order to today and he’s ordered half wrong sodding stuff. I’m honestly at breaking point with it. This is ridiculous right?

Can I also build a Time Machine and go back to the 1800s and thank him for letting me have ‘ and education and a room of ones own’ as Virginia Woolf would say?

You deserve a medal.

It's very tiring micro managing men. Always have to be a step ahead. It's exhausting. Then they wonder why we are so moody!

lol

Strategic incompetence and closeted misogyny are at the root of your problems IMO.

Even if you decide to go see a marriage counsellor, I would start quietly doing the long term background work to ensure you are financially and practically ready for a split as it is pretty much the inevitable conclusion to this.

Theres only so much of this shit you can stomach before you become permanently repulsed.

i don’t know re the food if he was literally watching it burn or just went on his phone and forgot about it and literally can’t take responsibility for anything so yet again pointed the finger to me

Makes no difference. Either way, he fucked up and then tried to blame you.

Honestly, the "you said to watch it, not to make sure it didn't burn" thing is so wilfully stupid that I initially wondered if it was a troll post. It's like something out of Monty Python.

What do you think will happen?

You know something, OP...do this. Praise him to the skies and fall to the ground with your skirt over your head every time he successfully keeps himself alive and housed for a day. When he watches dinner burn, compliment him for not setting himself on fire too and ask him how he manages to be so clever and sexy and wonderful.

Then come back and tell us what happened. Because I could use a fucking laugh and I bet you could too.

Urgh. Dh has a high powered job does most of the laundry cooks at weekends and pays cleaners to do his share of the cleaning as he’s too busy. I was away for a week then had covid so for 3 weeks he did everything. He is better at delegating to teens than I am. He does birthday presents and teen girl shopping and most of Christmas. There is no excuse absolutely none. The “this is how men are” is insulting to men and absolutely pathetic.

I mean he could have been taking the piss but it’s the same sort of shit he’s said before not being explicitly told to do something that’s clearly a logically subsequent action and that makes sense.

here’s another, I’d premade lunches, nothing exotic omelettes and wedges, in containers in the fridge, I had to do feed baby and I said lunch is in the fridge can you sort it out and plate it up, come down later and it’s on plates but it’s fucking cold. There is nothing worse than cold potato wedges. I said, it’s stone cold, why haven’t you heated it up ‘you said plate it, you didn’t say heat it up’ … I mean come on. Hed eat cold wedges and a cold cheese omelette, where’s the thinking?

Ugh. I feel your pain. DH offered to take the washing basket down and put the washing in the machine the other morning. A little later I go to check if it's nearly finished and the pile of tea towels/stain treated clothes were still on the floor next to the washing machine. Was it not obvious those items needed to be washed too? It's just beggars belief.

And the looking for things too- why do they say things aren't there when they are?! I've seen him 'looking' for things before, he will literally open cupboard/draw and LOOK, he will not MOVE things out of the way to look behind them. For example I asked him to check the salad drawer in the fridge the other day to see if we have any peppers for tea. Apparently no peppers. I go to check as I'm sure we did... low and behold the pepper is there, just underneath something else. Jeez.

OP, what does he say when he wants to have sex? If it's anything like "let's go upstairs" or "let's have an early night", you know what to do, right?

Just today DH was shouting at me for moving something from where he'd left it in a drawer. I knew I hadn't touched it but no matter how many times I told him I hadn't, he got angrier and angrier and insisted I had. I opened said drawer and there was the thing he was looking for, it had just slid slightly underneath an envelope that was already in there but still perfectly visible. Then of course it was my fault for making the drawer messy so he shouted about that. I hadn't been in the twatting drawer for weeks!

He also accuses me of losing his washing because when he opens his drawers he can't see a t shirt or socks or whatever immediately. When I find them for him he's still pissed off and says well, you usually do lose my stuff, I give it to you to wash and I never see it again. As if I've got a neat sideline selling his used undercrackers on eBay or something, or I'm hiding his socks out of spite.

I just left the house & said to DH to keep the kitchen counter / table clean. He grumped - I
know how to clean! As in, I don’t need to tell him. I know that when I get back tomorrow, the kitchen will be filthy...

That’s just one example. I don’t think it’s deliberate. He’s just not arsed. I have to wash the dishes “properly” after he’s done it (and expects a Blue Peter badge).

He grunted when I asked if dinner was nice. When he cooks he thinks he’s Gordon Ramsay, and I have to praise his amazing culinary efforts, or else the plot is seriously at risk of being lost... It’s tiresome!

i get you, OP. I’m sick of being in charge of bloody everything. He’ll say I’m controlling & “want” to do everything”my” way. Ha ha...

@PiaPressure - bloody hell - if my husband shouted at me because he couldn’t find HIS OWN STUFF I’d divorce the sad git. Who does he think he IS??

What's the point of him?

I'd rather have a poltergeist. At least it would take responsibility for its mess.

I couldn't empathise more with that strategic incompetence, and I hate that it seems to come so naturally to many men, but I found this really strange @Kanfuzed123

He’d never purposely notice something broken or let something get destroyed to make a point, but I do think there is a huge amount of contempt for me there. I wonder if it fall down to the ‘I’m the bigger earner and you’re spending my money’ except I’m not as he’s never given me a penny and I’ve never asked for one.

Do you not have shared finances and shared lists of obligations etc?

I get that men can totally underestimate the power and importance of the domestic side of life - even belittle it - but how can they begin to see that it really matters to pay attention if they are not paying financially for the food, the repairs, the replacement pans. Or paying in time. I know it's painful, but being the one who does all the thinking and paying, in time and money, just has to stop.

As an example, my dh has maybe now learned to stop using every bowl in the kitchen when cooking, maybe - and it was only because I steeled myself to let him/us suffer the consequences by refusing to wash any of it myself, and then refusing to cook in a mess. Me losing my temper was nothing in comparison to the mithering pain of children waiting for their food the next 3 meals.

I would not be cooking with that shop of completely different ingredients.

Well I’m breastfeeding a young baby so there is no such thing as an early night but that would be an improvement!

he’s never affectionate in any other scenario aside for wanting some sort of sexual favour, let’s put it that way. Never pays me a compliment unless he wants a sexual favour so that’s usually how it begins. Or If we are both in bed and baby is In the cot next to us settled sometimes he’ll hug me and I’ll think, oh finally he gets it and then starts kissing me and I think oh this is nice, good night kiss and a little bit of affection (normally I have to ask for a hug) but then low and behold he’s got an erection

Behind every useless man-child is a woman who not only had the bad wit to take them on, but who has enabled their uselessness for years and then gets pissed off with it.

I have no idea why women settle for these men that can’t parent/cook/clean/do laundry/be an actual adult…

Flamin' Nora OP, I thought mine could be incompetent at times but are you serious ' you didn't say not to burn it'. Have you married a 5 year old??

Total sympathy but bloody hell you need to put a stop to this shit.

Your husband is a jerk OP, it’s official.

@Gentleness the purposefully left something broken comment was in response to a PP who said her ex used to do those kind of things.

money wise I’m basing it on the fact that since I’ve had children the behaviour has changed and in that time my career has stagnated (obviously) and his hasn’t. There’s been a few comments such as ‘at a pay grade like mine’ or ‘when you’re paid like me’ said condescendingly or ‘it’s time you get off your arse and pull your weight and earn more money’ -said to the woman with a 4 month old baby.

but we do have shared financial obligations and we pay a set amount based on proportionality from our salaries into our joint account to cover them each month and then we split childcare costs 50/50. But what I meant was I don’t ask him for spending money, to lend me money, to cover my expenses or to buy me things, so the whole ‘I’m the breadwinner’ bollox is just that, bollox

I was really ill over the weekend ,oh yeah and I got nothing and he acted like ‘oh well I had to cook lunch and dinner’.

Not stopped him from saying (whilst I’m on mat leave) that I need to pull my weight and start earning more

Literally telling him how cross i am now and he’s laughing in my face.

0 affection at other points and then just comes over with an erection

YES he can NEVER admit he’s done anything wrong, it’s always my fault.

he’s never affectionate in any other scenario aside for wanting some sort of sexual favour, let’s put it that way. Never pays me a compliment unless he wants a sexual favour

I get how draining the idiocy is and the constant responsibility of having to check everything/not being able to rely on him to perform the simplest task but these are all unforgivable .He's unkind ,unloving ,has no respect for your feelings .
Sad ,but it's time I think to split with him .

Oh God he's a fucking arsehole. We knew that already but just...fuck him.

I couldn't live with it. He can take his huge salary and go watch dinner burn in a house by himself.

There's no point to him.

Why would you write out an ingredients list then ask dh to order it? Sounds like double the work for no reason!