My partner shows my son no warmth

[Whiteflowers1]

Hiya
Need some advice ref partners and kids that aren't theirs!

My partner is great when its me and him, very attentive, makes me laugh, we have lots to chat about etc.

I just can't get past how he treats my son who is 3. He's not horrible to him per se but he's... Indifferent? I don't expect him to be step dad, DS has his own dad who has him 50 50 so no issues there. Partner doesn't really engage with him unless DS speaks to him first. Audibly sighs if he does something "annoying" (as in usual toddler behaviour!).
He doesn't acknowledge him, when we're together us 3 he buries his head in his phone or seems uncomfortable. He doesn't even look DS way half the time or looks at him like an alien if he says something silly (he's 3!). He only ever speaks to him first if DS has a hold of something he shouldn't or is having a tantrum (very rarely), which narks me because I think you don't get to tell him off when you barely speak to him!
He has no kids of his own and keeps saying "oh my dad would have done this and that". He had a kids should be seen and not heard childhood with physical and emotional abuse.
Am I expecting too much for partner to show DS some warmth and kindness? I know some people just aren't good with kids but he just seems to fed up with him all the time.
There's always an atmosphere when the 3 of us are together and I have been thinking about ending the relationship because of it.

Get rid of him and put your D's first.

I would end it.
Imagine growing up knowing your mum's boyfriend didn't really want you around.

You can’t continue in a relationship when your partner actively dislikes your child (which is what is happening here). End things now before your son fully understands the situation.

Trust your gut here Whiteflowers

If he's like this at the beginning of a relationship when it's all wine & roses, how will it be a few years down the line ?

Absolutely end it he’s being a complete arsehole to your son

OP, of course you should end the relationship. This is seriously worrying behaviour and often a precursor to more extremely abusive or neglectful behaviour. I’d be very worried and taking steps to end it.

You say "I don't expect him to be step dad" but the rest of your post makes it sound like you do, and that's okay if that's what you want from your partner - it's just your current partner isn't giving this to you!

How long have you been together and how long has he known your DS? Could it be that he's uncomfortable / doesn't know what to do with a 3 year old?

You can’t have been together that long if your DS is only 3? Dump him.

Do not let this little boy be around this individual who cares so little.This will cause endless tension and rows.Cut your losses now and end it he is not a good person.

Why are you with this man? From what you’ve said he’s not only not ‘showing them warmth’, he clearly actively dislikes your son. This has actually made me feel really sad. Your son is just a baby to me at that age, he shouldn’t have to live with someone who is so miserable and unkind towards him. God knows what issues he’s going to grow up with being treated like this by his mummy’s boyfriend, and his mum actually allowing this to happen!

If he found it hard to know what to do with the child he could ask what they enjoyed doing.

I would dump him, couldn’t be doing with someone who didn’t like my child enough to try and engage with them positively.

You shouldnt get past it

This simply isnt going to work

There should be no thinking about this. End it NOW.

You have brought a man into your child’s life who clearly doesn’t want him around. What the hell are you doing?

@Ihatethenewlook Partner does not live with us, and only sees DS probably once or twice a week.
@yonce i don't expect him to be a step dad as in he does none of the practical stuff for DS, we don't live together. I'd never ask him to babysit or anything for example. I don't expect him to play with him all day or fake an interest in dinosaurs, but I do expect him to be kind, say hello/ goodbye, be generally pleasant to him without acting so fed up all the time.

Thank you everyone else, I am going to have a chat with him later. My son comes first and always will

He’s nowhere near good enough to be in your son’s life. Would you like to be treated like this?

The problem is it won't get any better. It'll only get worse as your ds gets older. In his head, your dp will regard your ds as competition for your love and attention. You see it so often where boyfriends get violent. Dump him now.

@FrancescaContini absolutely no I wouldn't and I have addressed this with him several times, given him pointers on how to interact with him, explained that 3yr old aren't out to manipulate and that they can't always control their emotions.
He just seems full of disdain for him and he only sees him once or twice a week.

Will be having the conversation with him later.

It would be the end for me but if you want to continue the relationship I would only ever see the boyfriend when your child is not there. It does mean you wouldn't ever be able to live together though, so it might be better to cut your losses now.

Dear God, do not inflict someone who has 'disdain' for your son. Do not get pregnant to this man. Don't do it, please.

You have to end it. Or, the only alternative is to have a relationship with him completely separate from your DS. But then why would you want to be with someone who is incapable of simply being nice to young child? That's for you to decide I guess, but really, don't let your son be around someone who makes it so obvious they dislike him. How awful for your DS.

Glad to read your going to have a conversation and hope it'll be a short one.

There's a whole lot of middle ground between playing Step Parent & indifference!

Being kind & respectful

Not creating an atmosphere

Taking some kind of interest in the child

Having positive interactions with them

If he can't meet these basics then they're not someone who should be around you & your kid

Also, dinosaurs are awesome & if he can't engage in a basic conversation about them with a child or adult he sounds like a loser!

Am not sure what the point of talking to him is because you shouldn't have to negotiate basic human decency towards your child

@GeriSignfeld thank you for that last sentence actually because you are 100 percent right.

Felt like I was trying to build this relationship between them and he just wasn't good with kids etc and maybe he would get better. They have gaps between seeing eachother I haven't thrust them together 24/7 or anything. But actually it's so much simpler than that, it's just basic human decency.

Thank you

How can you even stand to be in the same room as this man? Jealousy of a woman’s child is often a precursor to serious abuse. Please end it, for both of your sakes.

I'd meet him for sex or dinner only with a babysitter, but tbh a partner who can't ever be around your son is a bit of a waste of time. Twice a week is a lot for your son to be with someone who doesn't like him. Anyway he sounds like a tosser tbh. Nobody has to 'love kids' but meeting a child as an individual human being ought to be possible for anyone. If it's not, why is he dating women with children?