My partner shows my son no warmth

[Whiteflowers1]

Hiya
Need some advice ref partners and kids that aren't theirs!

My partner is great when its me and him, very attentive, makes me laugh, we have lots to chat about etc.

I just can't get past how he treats my son who is 3. He's not horrible to him per se but he's... Indifferent? I don't expect him to be step dad, DS has his own dad who has him 50 50 so no issues there. Partner doesn't really engage with him unless DS speaks to him first. Audibly sighs if he does something "annoying" (as in usual toddler behaviour!).
He doesn't acknowledge him, when we're together us 3 he buries his head in his phone or seems uncomfortable. He doesn't even look DS way half the time or looks at him like an alien if he says something silly (he's 3!). He only ever speaks to him first if DS has a hold of something he shouldn't or is having a tantrum (very rarely), which narks me because I think you don't get to tell him off when you barely speak to him!
He has no kids of his own and keeps saying "oh my dad would have done this and that". He had a kids should be seen and not heard childhood with physical and emotional abuse.
Am I expecting too much for partner to show DS some warmth and kindness? I know some people just aren't good with kids but he just seems to fed up with him all the time.
There's always an atmosphere when the 3 of us are together and I have been thinking about ending the relationship because of it.

At the very least he should be nice to your son. That’s your benchmark. Indifferent doesn’t = nice

Why do you keep ignoring the question of how long you’ve been together?

"There's always an atmosphere when the 3 of us are together and I have been thinking about ending the relationship because of it."

I think you should too.

Your boyfriend is not a fully-functioning adult. You don't have to be 'good with kids' to know that being dismissive of them, sighing at their behaviour and never initiating conversation, is not going to play well with the child's parent. Especially if you're in a relationship with said parent! He's not just 'not good with kids', he's not good at being a decent human being.

The steady drip, drip, drip of this man's indifference / disdain / unkindness will have an effect of your son, and not a good one. Best you remove him from your son's environment permanently.

Dump him. Do better for your son. Can't believe you even have to ask.

Why won't you say how long you've been together?

Kids are very sensitive to feeling as if they are 'bad' or doing something wrong or not good enough and if they are picking up narrative at a young age due to some 'adult' mans shit behaviour, it could follow them their whole life.

That’s awful. Even someone with no experience of children would be able to say hello and show an interest in what a child was saying. You can’t be with someone who shows ‘disdain’ for a little three year old child. Why would you or your son want a day out at the zoo with such an u pleasant person? There’s no enjoyment for you, your child or your horrible boyfriend.

He doesn't have to like your kid. But you should want to be with someone who does.

10 months and he has known my son 3 months

How very odd to be at the zoo with a 3 year old and not interact, the best place to build a relationship be seeing all the animals together and getting excited by the animals. So odd as it’s been only 10 months I’d just say it is worth leaving the relationship as he is not respecting you or your son.

If he cared about you he would be trying to build a relationship with your son

OP I think you sound very sensible and it is clear from your posts that you do prioritie your son. I think giving the complex situation of introducing a new adult to a child some time is sensible, if this is someone you really have feelings for. However as PP have said, although you could raise this in discussion, do you have realistic expectations about how much he can be aware of this and in turn change, and I guess also how you feel about someone who has behaved so indifferently to your precious little boy.

I'd get rid immediately.

Is he living in your home?

Think once he is gone I would be inclined to sit down with your three year old and say 'shaun wasn't very nice was he? So we won't be seeing him anymore. I think we should try to only have nice people in our lives from now on, don't you agree?'.

That way you're telling him that he hadsn't done anything wrong and he won't think it's his fault the man has left (but you're also not saying 'I got rid of him for you' which would be a bad precedent to set. Because you decide your partners, not your children). Has the added bonus of telling him that we shouldn't keep mean people in our lives.

Keep your boyfriend away from your child, completely.

A three year old doesn't need to spend time with someone who ignores him, or shows distain.

Please don't force your child to spend time with this man, you have 50% or your time without your child so there is no need for them to spend time together l.

Emotional indifference is emotional abuse

The audible sighing and general description you've given isn't just someone not used to kids. As someone upthread mentioned it's basic human decency and frankly basic manners.

You're 10 months into the relationship. This should be the honeymoon period. If he can't be bothered with your son it doesn't bode well for the future.

I don't really see the point in having a chat with him as he'll likely deny, or pull his socks up long enough to get you to back down.

His behaviour doesn't bode well for the future. Ok so you don't live with him now, what about if you do in a few years time when your son is older and more perceptive of this man's indifference/mean behaviour? Will you reach the point you're forced to choose? I've seen loads of threads where the kids have essentially been bullied out of the house by a step parent over the years. It's sad.

@Teisen1990.You forget this part. "Audibly sighs if he does something "annoying" (as in usual toddler behaviour!)."

Please get rid of this knob.
There's no talking to him about it either.
It sounds like he enjoys the weekly shag but annoyed with the rest of your life.

I'll admit the zoo incident seems odd- I might not have been good at it but I would have tried to talk about the animals we were seeing etc etc

It's difficult and no one on here is going to be able to tell you how this man really feels about it- he may not yet know himself. There are lots of resources out there to help if he is serious about you and your son. I'll link a great website here- blendedfamilyfrappe.com/7-stages-of-becoming-a-stepparent

I wouldn't write the relationship off just yet, it's going to take some conversations and he does need to be honest that he needs to work on it and he might find that very difficult. My husband and I stuck at it because I knew I was bad at it but I wanted to get better and I did- but not overnight.

Basically everything @GeriSignfeld said. My stepdad didn't have any kids of his own and was clearly resentful of me and my siblings; it did so much damage even though my mum tried to shield us from the worst of it (I remember the 'atmosphere' you mention so well, decades on from when I even last saw my stepdad). Conversely my DH doesn't have kids of his own but is wonderful with all kids that he meets. Its nothing to do with your partner's lack of experience around kids, and everything to do with how he feels about your son. No, absolutely you are not expecting too much to expect him to treat your son with kindness, all human beings are worth of kindness and respect, whether they are 3 or 35.

Don't have them around each other. Your DS doesn't need to be pushed into a relationship just because you are in one.

If your DS is at his dad's 50% of the time, see your boyfriend then.

You should only have to explain once. He’s not listening, he doesn’t care, he won’t change.

Dump him. And put your son first.

Exactly! Put your Child before your own needs. Step up and be a mother, you are fully aware of how wrong this is so what are you wasting time for wanting to have conversations with him?

Your child needs to come first 100% of the time. If your partner is treating your son indifferently that is not fair to your child. Hes done nothing wrong and he will grow up knowing he's an inconvenience and will resent you for it. I tried dating a man who claimed to love children but refused to have anything to do with mine unless it came to having to discipline them then he became very opinionated, I couldn't handle it and left hjm. My ex husband had a similar relationship with a child free woman and now he only sees his kids 12 hours a month as she eventually convinced him they were awful humans. They tolerate him now but the relationship is ruined.
Put your little man first. He's so little still and deserves all the love in the world, not to be huffed at because he's exploring and learning.

Have you spoken to him about his actions? Does the guy know how to parent or interact with a child so young? If he's been brought up in a strict environment with no interaction perhaps he knows no better and is downright uncomfortable. There are new mums that are disengaged or overwhelmed, let alone a chap that has no clue

I was that child, always felt “different” to my siblings, found out as a teen, “dad” wasn’t my bio dad, made a lot of sense. Ditch him, your DS will soon see it. If he’s not prepared to love his stepchild as his own, your DS will know it can you live with that?