My partner shows my son no warmth

[Whiteflowers1]

Hiya
Need some advice ref partners and kids that aren't theirs!

My partner is great when its me and him, very attentive, makes me laugh, we have lots to chat about etc.

I just can't get past how he treats my son who is 3. He's not horrible to him per se but he's... Indifferent? I don't expect him to be step dad, DS has his own dad who has him 50 50 so no issues there. Partner doesn't really engage with him unless DS speaks to him first. Audibly sighs if he does something "annoying" (as in usual toddler behaviour!).
He doesn't acknowledge him, when we're together us 3 he buries his head in his phone or seems uncomfortable. He doesn't even look DS way half the time or looks at him like an alien if he says something silly (he's 3!). He only ever speaks to him first if DS has a hold of something he shouldn't or is having a tantrum (very rarely), which narks me because I think you don't get to tell him off when you barely speak to him!
He has no kids of his own and keeps saying "oh my dad would have done this and that". He had a kids should be seen and not heard childhood with physical and emotional abuse.
Am I expecting too much for partner to show DS some warmth and kindness? I know some people just aren't good with kids but he just seems to fed up with him all the time.
There's always an atmosphere when the 3 of us are together and I have been thinking about ending the relationship because of it.

He cannot even talk decently to your son who is but three years of age. The only conversation you should have with this man now is along the lines of, "this is no longer working for me so we are through". He needs to be out of your lives completely.

You have to show him you put him first. This sort of attitude could severely chip away at his self confidence long term.

How would you feel if your son's Dad had a new GF who was like this? You'd be furious, worried, anxious?

l worked for the CPS for many years before l had my children, now been widowed nine years and because of the horrors l encountered whilst working there re child abuse and step parents l made sure l had strict boundaries that meant l totally seperated my home life from my dating life.
There is an argument that says alot of men are not biologically programmed to raise other peoples children, yes in some cases it works, but it can be incredibly high risk.
My advice would be your son is way too vulnerable to be around a man such as this, if you do decide to carry on seeing him, see him when your son is with his Dad, there's no need to involve your son into your relationship, its not a positive experiance for your son.

I couldn't be with someone like that. His attitude is damaging to your son. I could never relax and turn my back, he can't be trusted. I'd finish it.

I don't like the sound of him at all....sounds like he has contempt for your little boy and just see's him as a nuisance.

You come as a package now...

I'd get rid of the pr*ck.

You introduced them far too soon.

Update - it's over

That’s good. Your son deserves better.

but with 50/50 parenting, there really is no need at all for a man to be meeting your son twice a week from a 6 month relationship.

Well done.

Onwards and upwards

Well done OP. Right decision.

Well done OP. Please do some research into how many children are harmed or killed by an unrelated male in their home, usually mum's boyfriend.

That was fast work @Whiteflowers1 - what happened?

Fwiw I would find someone who treated my kids like that really unattractive. You don't want a stepdad but to visibly recoil and be so disinterested in a young child is a massive red flag to me. He can't even be arsed to feign interest in the most important person in your life. He's probably jealous, he's certainly immature.

You have done the right thing. This never would have worked long term and your child would probably have ended up feeling horrible and resenting you.

No just no and you know it's a no too deep down. Get rid

Guessing he didn’t take it well? As you said your ds comes first. You will be ok 💐

Good work OP. He sounds like a disgusting pig.
My mum spent over 30 years with a man who saw us, her children, as only an annoyance and wanted nothing to do with us (he passed away last year). It's something that marred our lives, and I'll never forgive her for it.

Thank goodness, he sounds like a horrible person and yes that level of animosity to a child is disturbing as he was choosing to spend time with you when you have your child around.

Those saying it was too soon for them to meet etc- at the end of the day I don't think waiting longer would have changed his feelings towards DS at all if anything I'm glad I figured it out sooner rather than years down the line!

What did you say OP? Well done, yiu did the right thing.

In the fuckin bin, no questions asked.

Hey! It is very easy to quit the relationship, but it is very difficult to build on it. Talk to your partner about what is bothering him, why is he so cold towards your son. Try to understand his emotional triggers, for all you may know he is not being able to express and nothing else.

A little story for you OP.

DM met a man when I was 4. They saw each other 4 times a week. I was left with DGM. Until I was 17 he spoke to me roughly half a dozen times. I don't remember a conversation. He and DM moved in together. He then found out I hadn't left school but was half way through A levels. He insisted I got a job to support myself whilst still at school. I worked in a pub 5 evenings a week. University wasn't even a discussion, full time job was expected. I left school after a rough year and failed my exams. They went on holiday, I was told to have a job by the time they got home or leave. I got a job, I lasted a year before I had the next ultimatum over having a social life.

We have spoken maybe another half a dozen times since. I don't have a relationship with DM although we get on and are friendly when we speak she doesn't have a relationship with my DC or DGC. He wasn't physically abusive to me or DM but did not see me as part of the package. I'm 55 now.

If you want a relationship with your child when he is older kick him into touch.

Ffs, I'm so slow typing and doing dinner I missed the update, I'll get my coat!

This would kill it for me. Definitely wouldn’t see him anymore.