My partner shows my son no warmth

[Whiteflowers1]

Hiya
Need some advice ref partners and kids that aren't theirs!

My partner is great when its me and him, very attentive, makes me laugh, we have lots to chat about etc.

I just can't get past how he treats my son who is 3. He's not horrible to him per se but he's... Indifferent? I don't expect him to be step dad, DS has his own dad who has him 50 50 so no issues there. Partner doesn't really engage with him unless DS speaks to him first. Audibly sighs if he does something "annoying" (as in usual toddler behaviour!).
He doesn't acknowledge him, when we're together us 3 he buries his head in his phone or seems uncomfortable. He doesn't even look DS way half the time or looks at him like an alien if he says something silly (he's 3!). He only ever speaks to him first if DS has a hold of something he shouldn't or is having a tantrum (very rarely), which narks me because I think you don't get to tell him off when you barely speak to him!
He has no kids of his own and keeps saying "oh my dad would have done this and that". He had a kids should be seen and not heard childhood with physical and emotional abuse.
Am I expecting too much for partner to show DS some warmth and kindness? I know some people just aren't good with kids but he just seems to fed up with him all the time.
There's always an atmosphere when the 3 of us are together and I have been thinking about ending the relationship because of it.

My son comes first and always will
Why did you even need to ask then?

How long have you been together?

No problem

There is a difference between being nervous around kids due to inexperience

In comparison, being cold & indifferent towards them

If you sense an awkwardness only you will know if it's due to nerves

Or if it's thinly veiled resentment

Your gut will guide you

It boils down to this- he isn't a kind person. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who isn't kind?

I don't want kids personally but when I meet them, I don't treat them as 'lesser than'. Especially if they belong to someone I love. I make the effort to be a warm person with them, the same as I would with any other human being.

If he can't even be bothered to do that then he isn't a keeper.

Not to mention, it sounds like he actually thinks his upbringing was OK when you would term it abusive. So it's not like you could raise kids with someone like that anyway.

He isn't nice there's no warmth for humankind as a whole in him. Not a keeper.

He'd be out the door, you and your son deserve better. It's emotional abuse.

He doesn’t like children. If he was a reasonable person he would’ve realised by now that he’s not compatible with single parents and ended the relationship.
Just bin him off.
“This isn’t working for me anymore, you twat all the best.”

Been in your situation many moons ago(in that, was a single parent with a young son). The guy is a dude and not good enough to be around your precious child. Bin !!

Why should your tiny son have to live in a home with an adult who doesn't care about him? So you can have a shag? Really? Get rid of the man.

Please don't pursue a serious relationship with this man. I lived full time under the same roof with a 'stepdad' who ignored me, literally ignored me from the age of 7 until I moved out at 17.

As I child, I didn't know what abuse was and I don't know if the above counts as textbook 'abuse'? But it did have a profound effect on me. I have had to work on my self worth, I have none and I have major rejection issues. I constantly question whether people like me or not and have very little confidence.

I think he just doesn't like children. He should have considered it before getting into a relationship with you.

This is why blended families don’t work and it’s a bad idea to break up with young kids.

Run away OP for the sake of your child who is a lot more important than a man. This might have profound effects on your child. Imagine the tense , cold atmosphere in a house where you'd live together. A house conducive to mental health problems, at worst abusive...

I’ve got a 3 year old. I wouldn’t have anyone around her who was so rude to her, that’s awful. I’m also a step parent.

If he doesn’t like children he has no business dating a parent. He’s a twat and you’ve been very naive.

Don’t be ridiculous. They are in no way blended.

And that’s right for everyone, is it? I split with DD dad when she was 3, he was abusive and violent. Been with my partner 3 years and DD and him have a fantastic relationship, she regularly tells him she loves him and he says the same.

• dud most definitely not a dude!

I agree with PP. Dinosaurs are so cool. Heartless prick.

You should expect him to be stepdad, or at least be open to it in the long run. Your son deserves someone warm and caring, and that's what you have to hold out for. Any man who wants to be in your life has an audition to pass, and unfortunately this one's failing it.

Please slow down. Some of the answers on this thread are insane.

Let me bring my experience because as you have written it I was in your partners shoes. Nearly identical, I bet my now husband could have written about me exactly as you have and it's not necessarily at all how some people have interpreted it. Being abit distant or not knowing what to do doesn't mean he's going to abuse the child- come on now.

I'm not saying this is how it is but I'd like to give another perspective to your points.
First, 3 is a weird age- not a baby but also not a child that can necessarily be played with the same as a 7 year old where you might be able to play catch or a board game. I never knew how to play with a 3 year old- it took some learning which didn't come naturally.

He doesn't engage unless SS speaks first. I was the same, always worried someone might think I was pushing myself into the childs life, for a long time I waited for them to come first and let them lead the level of interaction they were comfortable with. Not because I didn't want to- it just felt more natural to me to hold back especially since child already has 2 involved parents.

Perhaps he is bringing up what his dad would have done because he has no experience of what he would do himself and he is trying to make helpful suggestions in an attempt to be more involved- I know I did.

I'm not saying its right, just that I went from quite extroverted to quiet and reserved for a long time when I met my husbands 3 year old. Not because
I disliked him or didn't want to be involved but because I had no experience of children or parenting. I was out of my comfort zone and it showed. We had lots of honest conversations and I learnt in time how to be open around him. He certainly never experienced emotional abuse and we have a great relationship now. We can't expect that everyone will be able to slot seamlessly into the stepdad role. Talk with him, he might not be feeling the way you think he is.

Sounds like perhaps this is all moving too fast. Little one is only 3, and I’m guessing boyfriend is quite new on the scene. Now he is seeing this guy twice a week?

I would hold back any meets involving boyfriend and toddler.

@User2145738790 because he's not being openly nasty or mean, I've never been in this situation before and I don't have anyone to talk to IRL, so wanted to see what other people thought or if I was overreacting / my gut feeling was wrong.
@Amandamandamoo we are in no way blended! As stated we do not live together.
@StopStartStop please read the full thread... We do not live together.

@Teisen1990 thank you for your input. I do remember life before I had kids and I never knew how to interact with them, shied away from them almost because I didn't know what I was doing. And this is what I am struggling to distinguish here, it is that he's just not good with kids or is it that he has no interest in him. It's tough to figure out. I think I'd lean more towards being bad with kids if he didn't audibly sigh or say "oh I was expecting him to kick off" (when he barely tantrums).
We were out the other week at a zoo and partner didn't engage with him all day. The only time he spoke to him was when he threw one of his toys, partner picked I up off floor and said "well you clearly can't be trusted with it" to me that's odd.
Those saying DS is forced to spend time with him twice a week, no, he sees him up upto twice a week depending on my shift pattern, sometimes not in the week at all. And it's not all day, if it works out being most of the day then partner will usually go and do his own thing for a few hours anyway.

@itsmellslikepopcarn

Its different if they’re abusers and woman beaters. If they’re just normal men the same as you’ve married it’s a terrible idea to split with young kids and then expose them to boyfriends and girlfriends. What a way to grow up!

How long are you together@Whiteflowers1

This is so sad and would be a dumping offence for me. I'm not saying that he must love your son like his own but I would expect warmth and friendliness under normal circumstances. Over time this is going to have a negative effect on your son's self esteem.
Aside from that, his antiquated views on parenting makes him someone who you shouldn't have kids with (if that's a consideration in future) It will be miserable for the child as well as your son who may end up repeating this kind of fucked up dynamic as it will become their normal.
Your son is going to go through periods where his behaviour might deteriorate. An old fashioned parent who crushed his his spirit is not the way to deal with this and you could end up with a child who rebels more as a result. It's not going to be a fun childhood living with a man like you describe. If you marry/live together then don't be surprised that he leaves home first chance he gets.
Living with kids is tough, especially if you're not used to how they can be but he can't inflict indifference on a boy who'd I imagine sees your partner as a potential playmate and friend.

well, maybe Teisen you had no experience and might have seemed cold, but you did talk about it with your partner and showed some effort didnt you? The OP is absolutely right to expect some effort and warmth towards her child. The guys isn't talking about it with the OP or showing any effort. If this is not happening, then it is alarm bells for me. Especially the only communication seems to be telling the child off. Some people are not meant to be parents, and that is ok. However when those people end up in a relationship with someone with a child, as step-dad figures, that opens up a whole host of issues very challenging for everyone involved. Best to be foreseen and avoided.