Don't want to leave DC with DH

[Hygge88]

2DS...18 months and 4. They are a lot. Squabbling, hitting each other, also just very hyper, all over the place.

I'm fed up of DH lack of patience. All getting worse. But there is an unkindness now. I dunno. He plays lots of video games or looks at his phone. He can be v v affectionate but moment it starts to go wrong - DH disengages. Sometimes results in shouting.

Both DC getting more and more clingy with me.

Its breaking my heart. I'm prepared to leave DH absolutely. It doesn't scare me. I would feel free in all honestly.

But the only thing stopping me is him going for 5050 and even if he doesn't get it...I just can't get my head round leaving DC with him for any length of time.

They would be fed. Nappies would be changed. But they also might be ignored, shouted at, or most likely DH will sulk. Its so unattractive. DS1 does something like break a toy or refuse to eat dinner and DH sulks. Awful behaviour

I don't wanna be accused of PA. He is their dad. But really I feel like if I leave, I'm almost throwing DC under the bus. Like they have to now deal with him alone.

I know about good role models etc and not letting DS think DH behaviour is acceptable. I just cannot get my head round idea of dropping off my two small DC at his house. I hate going upstairs to take a shower because I'll come downstairs to some incident or someone in tears.

Any advice?

I'm sorry you're in this boat OP. I can totally see why in your situ you'd hang in there.

Would he be open to counselling? What happens if you challenge him on his behaviour?

I appreciate this isn’t helpful, but I don’t think I could have children with someone who I couldn’t leave them with. If his behaviour causes you to feel like this, then I would seriously consider leaving.

I had the same concern OP. I shouldn't have worried.

Judging by your description of your dh's behaviour, impatience, lack of engagement, dislike ...I don't think you have anything to worry about. He won't want 50:50.

My ex spends 9.30 - 4.30 on a Sunday with DS. He has never even got close to 50:50. Too much like hard work. He can just about manage his 7 hours a week and he didn't even do that until ds was out of nappies and capable of going to the loo on his own.

Did you read the whole post? She is seriously considering leaving, but hom having possible 50/50 and having them alone is her concern.

@Blankbias Unfortunately he didn't inform me he would have zero patience for children before we got married.

Maybe I'm being OTT about DH. I don't know.

An example today....DS was told we would go to park in morning before it got too hot. DS put on his fave winter jacket. We obviously told him we wouldn't take him unless he took the jacket off. DS cried. DS takes jacket off eventually. DS looks all hopeful. Then DH says "I've changed my mind. You took too long. Made too much of a fuss. Nobody is going anywhere". Wails from DS.

DH seems to somehow enjoy it. I dunno. I know its a small incident but all I can see is lack of kindness and I think it would get worse if I wasn't there.

Ugh just leave, you'll all be so much happier. Walking on egg shells 24/7 is exhausting, you don't realise until you don't have to do it anymore. He won't go for 50:50.

Thsts horrible OP! Your poor son, I hope you took him to the park.

That's awful and cruel behaviour
Did your son go to the park?

Oh he sounds very unpleasant. If he's that impatient and disengaged it seemd unlikely he'd go for 50/50 tbh.

Surely you just took him?

He'll spout about 50/50. And maybe even try it. Once.

Then he'll default to the Sunday 2 hour Disney Dad because it's far less work.

I understand your worries, they are natural, but it isn't a reason to stay with him.

If you leave, your DH is unlikely to push for 50/50 or anything close to that by the sounds of it.

Your children's main home will be one that's calm and happy and loving. They will see how life should be. They will see that their mum showed them you don't stick around people who are cruel and unloving. It will help them make better decisions when they are older. And you will be happier yourself, and more resilient to deal with parenting and supporting to deal with their moody father.

Yes I agree that he obviously hates parenting, so if you do leave it won't get close to 50/50 because he won't be bothered.
He may have them EOW at most, I'm sure your children will be safe with him, if a bit miserable.
when they're old enough they can choose not go stay with him.

By the way, if you make noises about wishing to leave, be prepared for all the "In that case I'll get full custody and you'll never see your children again" threats and big speeches, it'll be total bullshit. Just brace yourself.

I was in a similar boat - I was so worried about exh and his ability to look after the children I waited and left him when the youngest was 2.5 and better able to communicate. Now he has the children one weekend night/day and one week day, he is a better dad for it, I guess he can put them first two days out of seven, and I am able to relax when he has them, we are three years on now and I am glad everyday I did it.

You don't need to have a stand off about being over or under dressed. DS would realise pretty quickly outside that he's too hot. As long as you have somewhere to put the jacket there's no issue. Same in the winter when they don't want to wear a trouser/coat/gloves - as long as you take it with you then there's really no issue. Children latch onto things they can control because they get so little control over their lives. DH was a twat for reacting the way he did - it could all have been avoided though. Who was most vehemently saying DS didn't need the jacket - you or DH?

In terms of contact time if you split up, is there a possibility DH could be different when you aren't around? It's a bit like a manager doing everything rather than handing over tasks. I know it's a chicken & egg situation but you might just have to take a chance for the greater long term good.

“You don't need to have a stand off about being over or under dressed. DS would realise pretty quickly outside that he's too hot. As long as you have somewhere to put the jacket there's no issue. Same in the winter when they don't want to wear a trouser/coat/gloves - as long as you take it with you then there's really no issue. Children latch onto things they can control because they get so little control over their lives. DH was a twat for reacting the way he did - it could all have been avoided though. Who was most vehemently saying DS didn't need the jacket - you or DH?”

This with bells on. All of it.

Posted too soon.

You sound great, OP, and very switched on to what is right behaviour for your children. Good luck sorting this out.

My husband was the same with our DD from when she was around 2 years old. I tried as hard as I could not to leave her with him at all as he was so impatient with her. She became more clingy with me. I learned to drive when she was 3 and that helped a lot. Husband was not at home often. He worked long shifts and had numerous out of the house hobbies. I used to take DD to stay with my parents out in the countryside a lot at weekends . I became more or less a single parent. DD and I went on holday without him as holidays were miserable for us all because H didn't enjoy holidays which a child would like (he liked holidays in really hot places where he could sleep in the sun a lot).
When DD was 6 she didn't annoy him as much as she was becoming more independent. I felt she would be OK spending contact time alone with him. So DD and I left him then. It was a huge relief. They never completely enjoyed long spells of time together but once she was an adult they went on holidays together a d she started taking part in his hobbies with him.
He died last year and she was amazed when all his friends said how much he had loved her and was proud of her; because he never showed it. So sad. She says she wished she had known. He apparently appeared to still treat her as the annoying toddler throughout his life.

I had a similar DP and left when DS was 18months. I would have to say to him "DS is trying to play with you / interact with you" and it was exhausting everything fell to me.
To be fair, because he literally had to parent him as I wasn't there he has stepped up massively and is the best dad. Shame really that he couldn't be like that whilst we were together. He takes him for days out, cooks him nice meals, they facetime me, he really is brilliant. I know it's scary leaving but was the best thing I did.

re your comment

"But the only thing stopping me is him going for 5050 and even if he doesn't get it...I just can't get my head round leaving DC with him for any length of time"

Its still no reason to stay with such a man because he will also teach your children really damaging lessons about relationships. They are already seeing you (and in turn them) being abused at his hands.

I would certainly formalise all arrangements for these children via the court system and the use of a contact centre.

I doubt whether such a man would want 50/50 in all reality (but he may well demand such) because they will interfere with his working life and free time outside of work hours.

He is already a deadbeat H and a deadbeat dad to them so why subject your children to more of this from him just because of some supposition of yours which is also not based on fact.

We just had a big fight. DH saying I had no solution to DS behaviour and no answers.

Anyway DS picks up some chalk and goes to draw on the table instead of the paper. DH shouts NO. DS throws the chalk and runs into another room

I don't do anything. DH just got up, grabbed his car keys and said

"I'm fucking gone. Raise them however you fuckng want"

And he's gone. He'll obviously be back when he gets bored and the anger subsides. This literally just happened.

Get your ducks in a row darlin'.
You will ALL be better off without him.
And there is NO way he will do 50:50!
You can be certain of that.
Your kids deserve better.. and you ... all by yourself... are that!
X

You have a choice re this man and your children do not.

You will continue to throw both them and your own self under the bus if you choose to stay with him. Harsh but true.

"I know about good role models etc and not letting DS think DH behaviour is acceptable".

Good. However, you do need to prove this properly by showing your children that this is not at all acceptable to you otherwise they will learn that behaving like dad does works for them too in their relationships. Also you are not some sort of rehab centre for such a badly raised man like your H.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Trying to teach them the above whilst you are all living under the same roof is impossible.

Am sorry this happened. Such a blow up from him would have happened anyway.

I would gather up financial and other important paperwork in his absence and start putting plans in place to divorce him formally.

He is angry because he is abusive, not just because he is angry. In their head it is always someone else's fault, never their own.