Don't want to leave DC with DH

[Hygge88]

2DS...18 months and 4. They are a lot. Squabbling, hitting each other, also just very hyper, all over the place.

I'm fed up of DH lack of patience. All getting worse. But there is an unkindness now. I dunno. He plays lots of video games or looks at his phone. He can be v v affectionate but moment it starts to go wrong - DH disengages. Sometimes results in shouting.

Both DC getting more and more clingy with me.

Its breaking my heart. I'm prepared to leave DH absolutely. It doesn't scare me. I would feel free in all honestly.

But the only thing stopping me is him going for 5050 and even if he doesn't get it...I just can't get my head round leaving DC with him for any length of time.

They would be fed. Nappies would be changed. But they also might be ignored, shouted at, or most likely DH will sulk. Its so unattractive. DS1 does something like break a toy or refuse to eat dinner and DH sulks. Awful behaviour

I don't wanna be accused of PA. He is their dad. But really I feel like if I leave, I'm almost throwing DC under the bus. Like they have to now deal with him alone.

I know about good role models etc and not letting DS think DH behaviour is acceptable. I just cannot get my head round idea of dropping off my two small DC at his house. I hate going upstairs to take a shower because I'll come downstairs to some incident or someone in tears.

Any advice?

Oh no. I'm so sorry! I hope you feel OK. You will need to get some support. Talk to somebody you trust. Don't be alone with this issue today. You will have so much sorting out to do if this is the start of a separation. He is not a parent, but you are. Focus on keeping them happy today. Also focus on helping you to stay calm. Sending kind thoughts your way 💐

Sorry to hear this, OP. The stuff about not going to the park despite having taken the jacket off is heartbreaking and reminded me of that bit where Miss Trunchbull sends Bruce to chokey even though he's eaten the cake (sorry if that seems like a jokey reference, not meant to be). Very cruel and the last thing that is going to encourage good behaviour.

I can see your worries. Do you think that he would really want 5050 in the long term rather than just threaten it short term? He doesn't sound very engaged with DC.

Have you seen a lawyer about how likely he would get 5050? Might be worth keeping a record of things like today.

It sounds an awful situation and I hope your ok. What does he want from you as a solution? Raising kids is a job that takes years and we're all just fumbling our way through. there's no one solution that suddenly makes it easy.

This was my ex’s move. He even tried to get me to stay by saying he’d sue for custody. He had DD for one weekend, with his parents helping, then backed right off because actually looking after children is effort. He’s now minimally involved.

I'm sorry to hear about the blow up over the chalk, but I think he's answered your question. He clearly onto go for 50/50. And look at how your DS reacted. He can't keep on going through that.

Just take stock of the situation; he walked out over your son chalking on the table. That's nuts.

Try to get your documents in order while he's gone. It really sounds like you need to make the split permanent. This does not sound like a man who is going to go for 50/50. Or really do any parenting at all. But, as is aid in MN often, even if the worst does happen (which i highly doubt), the kids will have a secure and happy home half of the time, rather than walking on eggshells all of the time.

Good luck.

the kids will have a secure and happy home half of the time, rather than walking on eggshells all of the time.

This. Also even if your there you cannot stop these things happening (as you can tell from the fact you are there and they are still happening) nor can you be everywhere at once. The strain must be unbearable.

I don't think he will want 50:50, or anything like it.

Well done for putting your dc first.

Trouble is we never think of this before we have the kids. We need to find out who someone is first, but we don't.

She can't leave. That would mean the kids suffering.

We need to make sure our children don't make these mistakes. Make finding a suitable partner a priority in life, not an afterthought.

They often don't want 50/50 with the kids no, but they go for it anyway so they can make the mother's life hell via the children.

How do you get on otherwise?

I have kids the same age and it's really tough. Perhaps he feels out of his depth and genuinely needs parenting advice. Tactics when the anxiety comes.

I'm not excusing him, but if otherwise the relationship is good, I would suggest counselling with someone who specialises in parenting or anxiety management.

As you say, there are risks to separating, and breaking a family should be last resort. If he's open to improving his parenting and he acknowledges the current situation isn't working, then I'd at least try that before divorcing.

I'd double lock the door.

I've just read your updates.

One massive positive is that he cares about parenting and child behaviour. He isn't absent, non caring etc.

He wants to improve your son's behaviour (which I think is reasonable, 4 yr olds know not to draw on the table etc).

But the way he's going about it is a bit of a car crash.

I think it sounds like you judge each others parenting and have both become resentful. Couples counselling definitely. If you both want the same things (well behaved kids, a harmonious home etc) then that's most of the battle. You just need a safe space to plan a joint way forwards.

Divorce, aside from sharing custody, isn't great on kids. If you can avoid it, do try. Sounds like there's lots of resentment and a power struggle. But it sounds like you both care. Cling onto that and find someone who can help facilitate a shared approach going forwards

Getting looking for some parenting courses to do together.

Def leave if you're not happy.

Men like this either don't bother with 50/50 or they quickly trap a new gf who does the actual parenting.

He came back. Ate the dinner I made and is now storming around washing all the kids clothes (which he never does). I Was disappointed to hear his keys in the door. I wish he would have an affair or something. Or just leave us to it. It was so calm for the hour he was gone.

I am listening to those saying divorce should be last resort. I've read enough MN threads to know men use kids to continue getting at their ex.

Also he doesn't have anything else but us. He's crap with his friends. Hates his job. Doesn't go out. He acts like he hates us but he would tell anyone that would listen we are his entire world.

Do you communicate with each other? Like have a good chat about how you both feel? It sounds like you're both quite distant from each other and have given up.

It sounds really tough. Is it something new (his behaving I mean) or has it been a while?

@AttilaTheMeerkat I do know what you're saying. I would hate my DS to grow up thinking it's acceptable to act like this.

I grew up with a very grumpy dad. Lots of sulking and shouting. I guess its a cycle.

Problem is I would have HATED as a kid to be taken away from my mum and sent to my dad's house every week. There is no fix I guess

Can you record your DH behaviour?
I doubt very much he’d go for 50/50, too much hard work, and recordings of him being downright nasty to a 4 year old child would make sure he didn’t.

@HarryTheLass getting worse as DS behaviour getting worse. But we did have a really bad stage when DS was a baby and wasn't sleeping. Lots of really nasty stuff.

An example today....DS was told we would go to park in morning before it got too hot. DS put on his fave winter jacket. We obviously told him we wouldn't take him unless he took the jacket off. DS cried. DS takes jacket off eventually. DS looks all hopeful. Then DH says "I've changed my mind. You took too long. Made too much of a fuss. Nobody is going anywhere". Wails from DS.

Your husband sounds less mature than your DC! But he also has a cruel streak -- I'm not surprised you don't want to leave the children with him for any length of time. He might not want to spend much time with the children if you separated, but obviously you'd want to know before you left him.

Have you tried discussing this with him? Saying you can see he's not happy and it's affecting you and the children. Trying to get him to talk about possible solutions or a possible separation. You might be able to gauge how much contact he was likely to actually want.

God, poor you and DC. I can understand why your unsure what to do and you are a good mum to see it all in terms of what's best for DC. But do think about whether its really best for them to stay together- as you say these things can be a cycle. Breaking the cycle means someone doing something different.

Also don't ignore yourself and your needs. Even if you want to stay to avoid leaving DP and DC together, you can only do that if your ok yourself. And while as mums we tend to put ourselves last, its not always the right thing to do for anyone's sake.

He’s a spiteful wanker. He’s not going to want the dc more than the occasional weekend, he hasn’t got the patience or energy.

Is he OK? I mean, is he depressed, not coping, having mental health struggles?

But I agree, sounds like the family unit really isn't working. Something needs to change, it should be his behaviour but if that's unlikely then you should take the initiative.
An outburst like that over a bit of chalk on a table by a young child, I'd be concerned if he stays in this pressure cooker situation he could get physical.

But he is probably a bit part of your DS behaviour. Look at the incident - he was told he was not going to be taken if he wore the jacket (and I also think he should have simply been allowed out with it he would have quickly realised) so he took it off.

And still didnt go.

That isnt just a moody Dad that is a parent who changes the boundaries and who shouts. SO at 4 he has no idea what he should or shouldnt be doing

Abusers want to keep the nice and family man image going for their own self interest. Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control.

And of course he was going to return, that was inevitable as well.

You yourself grew up with a very grumpy dad so you know what that is like. Were you actually sent away each week to the other parent and more importantly how did your parent react to and about you being there?.

You can break the cycle that was imposed upon you by your parents by removing your children from this situation entirely. They can and should live with you solely. And do not use this wish he would have an affair in order for you to get rid of him either!!!. By doing that its a form of avoidance and another way of kicking the can down the road. He knows you're weak willed and are not going to leave him readily, if at all. Your own suppositions also keep you trapped in this dark place you reside in.

How many more times is he going to storm off and come back before you finally think enough is enough and that we have suffered enough already?. You cannot fully protect your own self, let alone your kids here, from him whilst you are all under the same roof. The emotional harm to them is being done right in front of your very eyes.

Do you still think he will at all be bothered about seeing his children post separation and divorce?.

Better also to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one.