Don't want to leave DC with DH

[Hygge88]

2DS...18 months and 4. They are a lot. Squabbling, hitting each other, also just very hyper, all over the place.

I'm fed up of DH lack of patience. All getting worse. But there is an unkindness now. I dunno. He plays lots of video games or looks at his phone. He can be v v affectionate but moment it starts to go wrong - DH disengages. Sometimes results in shouting.

Both DC getting more and more clingy with me.

Its breaking my heart. I'm prepared to leave DH absolutely. It doesn't scare me. I would feel free in all honestly.

But the only thing stopping me is him going for 5050 and even if he doesn't get it...I just can't get my head round leaving DC with him for any length of time.

They would be fed. Nappies would be changed. But they also might be ignored, shouted at, or most likely DH will sulk. Its so unattractive. DS1 does something like break a toy or refuse to eat dinner and DH sulks. Awful behaviour

I don't wanna be accused of PA. He is their dad. But really I feel like if I leave, I'm almost throwing DC under the bus. Like they have to now deal with him alone.

I know about good role models etc and not letting DS think DH behaviour is acceptable. I just cannot get my head round idea of dropping off my two small DC at his house. I hate going upstairs to take a shower because I'll come downstairs to some incident or someone in tears.

Any advice?

Please listen to this person. @LunaAndHerMoonDragons I'm so sorry you've been through this. I hope you can get some control back soon.

I still maintain that living 50% of the time with good parenting is better than living 100% of the time on your guard because you don't know what will kick off. Having some sense of stability is better than total chaos.

I can't do it. I'm lying in tears in the spare room after he spent the last few hours playing games...then suddenly he marches through shouting at me, calling me a "smug twat" sad then he said "I don't make threats but I've had it up to here with you" and is now lying in our bed calling me a cunt and a bitch under his breath but loud enough for me to hear.

I know what I have to do. He's such an unkind man. I can't take anymore but I'm sobbing for my kids. Why did I give them such a shitty dad? I deserve the judgment on here. What was I thinking? They're gonna grow up with all this hatred and instability and I can't stop it. I feel so fucking awful. No one can help. It's an unbearable feeling.

You had s chance to not let him back
He clearly needs to sort himself out
CN you take kids to your family for few weeks without him?

Another saying he won’t go for 50:50

he will probably threaten it
but he won’t follow through

i’d make plans to seperate
i totally 💯 understand your worries
but these things have a way of sorting them self out

Oh OP I've just read your updates. You can do this, you are stronger than you think. I agree with PP that he is unlikely to go for 50/50 custody. You must put yourself and your children first now. You can't change whats happened so far but you can change what happens next.

I'm in a similar situation- it's exhausting.

There are so many of us that stay/stayed longer than we should because of this or similar. I struggled to leave my ex after he failed to call an ambulance for our child when she fell unconscious during a hypo.

My friend had to share her kids with a dick head ex husband who wanted 50/50 to spite her. She moved away with her kids. He sees them in the holidays now but that's it. She hates leaving them during these times but she feels she got the better deal by moving away and getting away from him.

I stayed with my ex for 4 years following the hypo incident, knowing it was over, waiting for the youngest to be old enough to call me should the eldest one get sick in his care and vice versa before I could leave him.

We were his world similarly to your husband but he clearly didn't enjoy that we were. He has some hobbies now which distract him and he's probably a better Dad now that he has regular breaks from family life which is clearly what suits him-you may well find the same.

OP we can help. You are not on your own. His behaviour is not your fault. His behaviour is entirely his responsibility. Unfortunately he has turned out to be really horrible.

You can leave.

Listen to what Atilla says, she has much wisdom and good advice.

Big hugs, you will get through this

You didn't give them a shitty dad. I doubt he showed you this side of him before you had kids. It's so horrible that he's behaving the way he is, but you didn't know this side of him existed. That's why your head is so messed up. You're probably second guessing everything now, but you took everything in good faith - that isn't a failing on your part. It's a really lovely, hopeful part of you that you shouldn't let him squash. You haven't failed anyone. He has.

I grew up with this dichotomy, the good and stable parent was always the person that was my anchor. With them on my side, showing me what was normal and that I was loved, made me strong and able to believe in myself. I always felt supported. From what you've written, you'll do the same for your kids.

You've got this.

He sounds like a horrible, horrible man.

Do you have your family near you? If not, could you move to be closer to them?

This is so sad. But he's not just an impatient, unkind dad OP. He's also a horrible partner who thinks it's ok to treat you like dirt. You can't stay with someone like that.

You know you need to divorce him. A little encouragement: my experience of a similar H years ago was that he threatened that he'd "go for custody" when I left with the DC. But when I received his solicitor's letter he only wanted EOW.
He had only been (yet again) trying to scare and control me.
He very quickly reduced it to 1 weekend in three as it was "so distressing to have them only part-time". You couldn't make it up.
DC mostly had a good time with him from then on as he was able to do the Disney dad thing.
You're obviously a lovely mum. IME the younger the kids are in a divorce the more easily they adjust so get some legal advice and give them a happier home.

Very sorry to read your update op. He is an abuser, plain and simple, and it really doesn’t sound as if staying is going to be better for your DC than leaving. Can you start gathering what you will need? Solicitor? Speak to a family member. I would suggest making a dated note of what’s happened today.

Please don’t blame yourself. I suspect the fact your doing that is connected to the fact your living with an abuser and it’s affecting your judgment. What would you tell a friend to do in your situation? You can’t change the past but you can change the future.

He is horrible, OP.

There is no way he will want 50:50. You will be better off without him.

I am sorry you are going through this

Does your DH have MH issues OP because it sounds like he might? Noise sensitivity and be really disruptive when you have small kids. A friend wears small earplugs to dull down some of the sound which helps.

Absolutely not excusing his behaviour. You seem very strong.

How awful, such vile behaviour

Another one here who stuck it out longer than I should have.

OP, start making your plans to leave. My ex makes all the right noises to the ‘right’ people, but it’s all for show. He has a need to come across to the world at large as a fantastic parent, but he doesn’t actually put any effort into being one.

He has EOW contact, and one night in the week. Eldest goes to see him, but won’t always stay overnight, as he doesn’t meet her needs (ASD and LD, and she needs stuff done a certain way which he won’t do, so she comes back). Middle dc doesn’t go at all, and resents it when he claims his turn at eg school concerts/plays/social occasions because (in her words) “he doesn’t even know who I am, or anything about my life, so why should I want him to come to my play, he won’t know anyone there anyway”
Youngest dc goes most of the time, but isn’t happy. He is coming up to the age where his views will carry more weight, and is just starting to refuse to go again.

It is really tough sending them off to his house knowing they aren’t going to have a good time when they’re there, but I have always made it known to them that this contact is for their benefit, not his. If they are having a problem with it, they can speak up and we (try to) resolve it. Bottom line is that they can refuse to go, and stay with me - I still walk on eggshells a bit here because ex has dragged out the divorce, so still not finalised 5 years later, and I am wary of cries of parental alienation. But I won’t make them go. I make them available for contact, it I won’t make them go if they are upset.

overall, it is better. They do have a calmer, better life most of the time. They are facing other emotional upsets, like seeing full on how uninvolved their dad is with their lives - he can’t be bothered to remember their clubs and interests, he doesn’t know who their teachers or friends are, he never knows what is going on at school (he actively removed himself from school email lists as he was getting too many emails, then complained to me when he didn’t know about an event that was happening). This is all difficult for the children to realise, but it is still better than living in the same household as him.

You will honestly be better off if you leave, and even if he keeps up contact, the dc will be better off having a calm loving home fornthe majority of the time rather than a tension filled unstable environment all of the time.

Thank you everyone. Sorry for my drama last night. Honestly - you know when you're crying so hard it feels like you can't catch your breath.

Back to work today, kids happy. DH asking for cuddles and trying to kiss me all morning.

Thank you for sharing your stories about leaving it to late. Sometimes I think it's good the kids are so little, as they will readjust, but the other bit of me feels so heartbroken as the thought of them being away from me. The 18 month old still wakes once a night for a cuddle and it's always me that goes in. The 4 year old insists of me putting him to bed.

The problem is I don't think it's that he can't be bothered to parent, or that he wants to do something else with his time. He doesn't' have fun weekend plans that the kids would disrupt. He is always looking to have the kids e.g. he's gone down to 4 days a week to spend more time with them, but when he's with them - he's horrible.

Being a dad is his entire identity. That is why he gets so angry and depressed - this is what he wanted in life - a wife, kids, a house and it came to him quite late (he's in his 40s) and it's making him miserable. I think he always thought if I can a wife and kids - he'll finally be happy. And he's not.

It really seems like you are at a crossroads in your relationship. All the potential and desire for being a good dad aren't being met, which is sad because they are there. He's being abusive instead.

Do you think you can tell him what and why you have concerns? Or will it end up with him walking out again? Because if he's going to be a brick wall there's not anything you can do apart from accept it as everyday life, or move on. And own those decisions.

So….

Are you going to accept he can insult you Wo any consequences?
Are you going to just accept being a dad is his whole world but he can’t be bothered to read a book/listen to advice/have counselling?
Are you going to be his emotional punching bag for the rest if your life? He is unhappy, things dint go like he wants to so… he starts misbehaving and everyone should just accept it?

Or are you going to take steps to change things?

If you can get a copy of a book called ‘How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen’ by Faber & Mazlish I think you’d find it very useful. You could then give it to your husband. It definitely seems that he’s so unpleasant and unkind that divorce is inevitable, so if he will read and apply the sense in this book it would hopefully at least help the dc in their interactions with their father?

I am not criticising you at all here OP but could you consider a compromise here to try and break this stalemate and you both go on a parenting course? It maybe worth asking about DH upbringing as well-did he have strict or disengaged parent?

It may well be that parenthood actually ISNT as great as he imagined so make ALL of you happy and divorce him. The bottom line is - he’s abusive and as you said, it’s only getting worse. The dc are only little for such a short time, you want to be able to enjoy that time without that man being such a pos and ruing it for you and more importantly - the children. They pick up on moods and tensions far more than most people realise, and often their behaviour reflects that. It’s so important that a child feels welcome in the carer’s presence. It doesn’t seem your dc or you feel anything other that tension and discomfort in you h’s presence - it’s no way to live.

I totally understand this feeling. But the problem is - being blunt, your presence isn't actually protecting them from the way he's acting towards them, is it? I think this is a fallacy we have when we are in relationships like this (I know I've been there) but in actual fact they won't be any worse off if you split and they will benefit from having at least one home which is free from abuse and nastiness. And TBH if he's so reactionary and CBA then probably what you'll find is if you're always completely neutral about contact, neither pushing nor preventing, just leaving the ball entirely in his court he will quite quickly reduce the frequency until he is seeing them very seldom anyway.

I hear what you're saying but I think the novelty will wear off, or he'll forget to arrange things. They all say they will push for 50/50. Just nod and smile and say "Of course, let's start with weekends and see how it goes".

I can see that he keeps saying he wants to be a father, but his lack of investment - not ever looking at ways he could improve, not acknowledging that he makes mistakes (we all make mistakes in parenting!), blaming you all the time for "undermining" him or whatever, look at what he's doing. Not what he's saying.

I could suggest to you that some of the behaviours/problems sound somewhat like undiagnosed ADHD, but I don't think that's a particularly helpful piece of information, since he seems so determined that nothing is wrong on his end AND he's being verbally abusive and intimidating towards you. If he's gone so far down a right-wing rabbithole that that's the only source of info he will trust as well... Honestly I'm sorry, but I think it's past the point where you could have worked on this together and got through it - he is simply not engaging and you can't fix a marriage all on your own.

SingingInParadise

don’t bully and challenge op
she knows it’s mess
she doesn’t need shit like that

there is always one
sigh