Don't want to leave DC with DH

[Hygge88]

2DS...18 months and 4. They are a lot. Squabbling, hitting each other, also just very hyper, all over the place.

I'm fed up of DH lack of patience. All getting worse. But there is an unkindness now. I dunno. He plays lots of video games or looks at his phone. He can be v v affectionate but moment it starts to go wrong - DH disengages. Sometimes results in shouting.

Both DC getting more and more clingy with me.

Its breaking my heart. I'm prepared to leave DH absolutely. It doesn't scare me. I would feel free in all honestly.

But the only thing stopping me is him going for 5050 and even if he doesn't get it...I just can't get my head round leaving DC with him for any length of time.

They would be fed. Nappies would be changed. But they also might be ignored, shouted at, or most likely DH will sulk. Its so unattractive. DS1 does something like break a toy or refuse to eat dinner and DH sulks. Awful behaviour

I don't wanna be accused of PA. He is their dad. But really I feel like if I leave, I'm almost throwing DC under the bus. Like they have to now deal with him alone.

I know about good role models etc and not letting DS think DH behaviour is acceptable. I just cannot get my head round idea of dropping off my two small DC at his house. I hate going upstairs to take a shower because I'll come downstairs to some incident or someone in tears.

Any advice?

He will hold 5050 over your head like a sword, and it will never come to pass. Don't let that scare you into staying, I promise, he will have a run at it for show in the beginning and then it will dwindle to fuck all. He will use it in the financial negotiations for leverage, but in real life I'll bet my house it won't happen. There are some cases where it does, and works well, but this is not one of them.
Especially from someone like this, who can't even acheive the bare minimum of kindness to them.

Get them away from this man while they're still little. As long as you're their main person they will be ok, even if he does pick them up once a week or whatever. You will all be fine, a peaceful happy home is an option for you, take it.

He sounds awful! Leave him... if his life revolves around video games I doubt he'll even want to see his children... doesn't sound like they'll miss out having such a bully around!

He said to me this morning he would be calmer with DS1 and try and be less rattled, more calm like me. He's then gone in and lay on the sofa for 2 hours and not moved, occasionally shouting to me "DS2 is about to put his finger in the socket" etc. I mean he's taking the bloody piss out of me.

I'm going to make it happen. It's hard with 2DC and a full time job and sleep deprivation etc to add divorce onto the pile but I'm just grinning and bearing it all. I can't stand the thought of growing old with him.

I'm not scared of taking it all on myself. The finances and house and childcare and I'd be happy to be single forever. I just am scared about what he will put me and the kids through once he realises I'm serious

Please speak to Women’s Aid.

They’ll help you make a plan to leave safely

Full strength and power to you. You can do it.

And, yes, please keep noticing these things. When he says one thing and then does the complete opposite. It all helps. Keep noticing.

Does it help to break it down a bit? Step 1, talk to family or a trusted friend, step 2, solicitor etc. I can see how the whole thing might seem insurmountable but each step is actually doable.

what is your financial situation like?

A friend's abusive Ex did the same. If he could get the DC more than 50/50 he'd do it. All done to hurt her. He still manages to be a Disney dad while having them 50/50 and is trying to turn them against her. I can see my stbxh doing the same.

There is a thread on MN at the mo about 3 young teenagers telling their mum they want to live with their dad full time (dad didn't lift a finger when they were small). It's horrific and so unfair. I know being scared of this kind of thing isn't reason to stay but I don't believe in this "he won't go for 5050/the kids will see him for what he is" line. I think that is true in a lot of cases with dad's who are drinkers or who are career men...but for some men their family is their obsession...even if that means they are neglectful, take us for granted, horrible....he is not just going to disappear.

I completely understand OP. It's very upsetting to think you might have far less time with your children because of your husband turning into someone awful.

I'd see a good solicitor as top priority, don't say anything to your husband, and get proper advice (not "free 30 mins") regarding your worries about him going for 50-50 and what you might be able to do to minimise that risk, eg evidence that you're the primary carer, have the greater bond, that he struggles with childcare etc. Do you have your own bank account and enough in it to pay the fees? Once you've got this information, if you still feel it's too big a risk then fair enough. But better to base that decision on proper personal advice than on things happening to other people whose situation might be completely different from yours. It sounds very hard, op, and I hope things work out for you and your children.

@MadeleineBassettHound @DiamanteDelia Yes - I have my own bank account and income. I'm the main earner in the house.

You AND your family need counseling! Your husband isn't a bad person, according to you. He is going to look after the physical needs of the children. However, he has a disconnect with their emotional needs and that may be because he has a disconnect with his own emotional needs. You picked him, so you can't escape that he is the father. Whether you leave or stay, he will STILL have the same attitude he has. That isn't going to change UNLESS you get your family AND children some help to manage emotions, expectations and LEARN how to get along! Some people are born with the ability to connect with others. Some people aren't. The good thing is that even those who aren't can be taught how to engage and connect. We're all victims of our childhood and our individual circumstances. Give your husband a chance to do better BEFORE you go. That way, even if you later decide to leave, at least he has a resource to use to help him manage taking care of the children by himself. You invested in a man and a marriage. Now is the time to honor your vows and do all you can BEFORE it is too late. If you don't, you'll have to share custody and your kids will be worse off because your husband will have to manage them WITHOUT the skills to do so!

So sorry to hear what you're going through OP ❤️

I know this might sound like a silly suggestion but have you tried writing him a letter about how you feel?

A friend of mine was going through a rough patch with her husband and everytime she brought the subject up they'd end up talking over eachother/emotional/arguing and get sidetracked about the original point. She wrote him a letter instead, she was able to get all her points across clearly and it really helped them. It might be worth a shot, maybe the man you married is still there somewhere.

Hi @Hygge88 just wondered what your approach has been - I am in a very similar situation and don’t really know what to do

Great, highly insightful and awesome use of capital letters - but how would she do that, exactly?