Don't want to leave DC with DH

[Hygge88]

2DS...18 months and 4. They are a lot. Squabbling, hitting each other, also just very hyper, all over the place.

I'm fed up of DH lack of patience. All getting worse. But there is an unkindness now. I dunno. He plays lots of video games or looks at his phone. He can be v v affectionate but moment it starts to go wrong - DH disengages. Sometimes results in shouting.

Both DC getting more and more clingy with me.

Its breaking my heart. I'm prepared to leave DH absolutely. It doesn't scare me. I would feel free in all honestly.

But the only thing stopping me is him going for 5050 and even if he doesn't get it...I just can't get my head round leaving DC with him for any length of time.

They would be fed. Nappies would be changed. But they also might be ignored, shouted at, or most likely DH will sulk. Its so unattractive. DS1 does something like break a toy or refuse to eat dinner and DH sulks. Awful behaviour

I don't wanna be accused of PA. He is their dad. But really I feel like if I leave, I'm almost throwing DC under the bus. Like they have to now deal with him alone.

I know about good role models etc and not letting DS think DH behaviour is acceptable. I just cannot get my head round idea of dropping off my two small DC at his house. I hate going upstairs to take a shower because I'll come downstairs to some incident or someone in tears.

Any advice?

How much does he drink? Because he sounds like my DH used to be. The issue was the alcohol. Once that stopped he had to face everything sober and make changes.

@unicormb He barely drinks at all. He doesn't do anything like go out. He just stays at home on his phone watching YouTube. He does work but he got a new less pressured job with less pay and now he complains about that. He didn't go to the office summed party on Friday because he wants to be with his family...but he then acts like he doesn't want to be here either.

His big problem I would say is being v defensive, taking everything personally, I try to talk to him but he just says I'm always having a go or that I'm talking "absolute shit" as he said this afternoon.

*summer party

Is he actually going to want them 50/50?

if he can’t be arsed with them now then there’s a fair chance he’ll be one of the many many guys that just don’t bother with their kids once they leave.

Horrible man. Your poor kids, they're so little too.

If I were you I'd spend the next week or so getting things in order on the quiet, and find some way to record him. I know it sounds OTT but I'd be thinking of setting up a camera (I'm not sure if voice recordings alone can be used in court).

I agree that it's unlikely he will go for custody, but he may threaten to in order to get back at you. If nothing else it may put your mind at rest knowing that you have evidence he is an abusive cunt.

Well that's his bad luck isn't it?

With kindness, you are repeating the pattern you experienced as a child. It's so easily done, but you know that you still remember the anger with dread. Be the one who breaks the pattern for your kids.

What a horrible mean man.

Don't worry about him wanting 50/50. My DD stuck around several years longer because of his threats of taking the kids. It really is all it is. Idle threats. Man children like him don't want to adult by caring for their own children.

My DD did leave and he's seen the kids once in about 4 years. He can't be bothered.

Never let on that you're concerned about it. Joke 60/40 him 60. That will scare him as no way does he want that.

Unfortunately he didn't inform me he would have zero patience for children before we got married

But you chose to go on and have more kids with him after one? Was he fine with one and the second has made his behaviour worse?

Does it fucking matter??

The children are here. The OP has a problem NOW. Trying to think it would have been different if X and Y won’t make a jot of difference.
Instead of doing your best to out the OP down, maybe you could offer some advice instead, as in usable advice that she can implement?

@Hygge88 do you actually believe your DH would spend any length of time with his dcs, on his own, dealing with all the ups and downs coming from having two dcs who are quite young?
He doesn’t seem to me like. A bloke who will actually stick it out seeing his way to handle stuff is to get out of the house…

Also if you get divorced and the dcs are spending some time with him every week (it won’t be 50/50. He won’t want to actually have to do any parenting), they ONLY have to deal with his moodiness and his sulking let’s say EOW, not every day of every week.
Atm he kicks off and everyone is suffering from his wrath.

Fwiw, in the situation you described with the park, once ds had put the coat down and DH has started sulking, I would still have taken the dcs out. Or I would have (tried to) intervene as soon as ds was taking it off saying ‘great! Now we can go’ and made my way ignoring DH. Same with his PA washing clothes etc….

Save it for AIBU 🙄

Unfortunately some man-children do. My ex was and is crap with DC but he made damn sure he didn’t get a minute less custody than me. What he does is go to his elderly parents with DC where he sits on his arse having his meals cooked and washing done and plays on his X Box while poor DC sit around. He does nothing with DC - doesn’t go out or do anything. He’s angry and impatient.

I completely understand why you’re worried about leaving, OP. My advice is to give him one chance - maybe get him to go to a parenting course, anger management or whatever. Then seriously think about how your DC will be affected if you stay. There’s no easy answer.

Why should he be given a chance here?. Haven’t these individuals suffered enough already?.

Such types of men never never go on parenting courses.

He also has a problem with anger, HER anger on the occasions when she calls him out on his unreasonable behaviour. Abusive men are angry because they are abusive, not because they are angry. Anger management courses are no answer to such problems.

As a side line, I disagree with this.

I have a 4 year old and he knows very well that it's too hot for coats. He also knows he can't wear long sleeve t shirts in this weather.

If he was faffing around in his coat for 5 mins while we told him to take it off, I absolutely would say no to the park. He needs to learn to follow his parents basic instructions. Otherwise where do you draw the line? Late for school because they won't put their shoes on. Can't take part in sports because they insisted on wearing sandles etc. At the end of the day, if mum or dad say "no coat today, it's way too hot. If you want to go to the park,you need to take it off now please" and he doesn't do it, then he loses the park.

That's not changing the boundaries or being cruel, it's expecting a 4 year old, who will soon be in school, to listen to safety instructions and do as they're told without a constant battle.

But @SunnySideDeepDown He wants to wear his coat because he's obsessed with a cartoon where the main character wears a coat and he wants to copy. I agree in an ideal world DS would have taken it off the moment we asked him to...but that isn't our reality....or a lot of people's realities. The issue is that DH and I said...take off your coat and we can go...and then he did do it...and then that promise was taken away because DH was wound up. He wasn't making a thought-out parenting decision...he was pissed off and wanted to get his own back on our DS. That was how it felt.

I took him to the park later and we played hide and seek in the bedroom. He went to bed happy tonight. But I feel like i'm protecting him. I have no idea if that's fair but that's how it feels....that I need to protect DS from DH's impatience and frustration.

If he hates parenting that much he won’t want 50/50. If you stay you’re bringing up your children in an environment where they think his behaviour is acceptable, which they could either repeat in the future and therefore become a bully, not call out the behaviour when they see it in others, or stay in the role of being shouted out and bullied in their relationships in the future.

Your examples are different though arent they

Shoes are always outside there are no exceptions to that
Sports have certain uniform requirements - that is a basic rule in place.

Both of those are things that a 4 year old needs to learn because they are absolute and no exceptions.

Wearing a coat is far more personal choice. I often see others wearing a coat or not wearing a coat. DD for example has Raynauds so can tolerant and need to wear far more layers that DS who it needs to reach under 10 degrees for him to need to wear a coat.

That's not changing the boundaries or being cruel, it's expecting a 4 year old, who will soon be in school, to listen to safety instructions and do as they're told without a constant battle.

A coat wont be one of them!

And it is good that your 4 year old has an awareness of the heatwave but quite a lot wont - and why would they!

You are subjecting your DC to living in fear of a spiteful, unstable arsehole of a "man" if you choose to stay.
I am sick and tired of some posters making excuses for abusive men. ( not the op, but the ones commenting)
Its fucking depressing.

Oh wow I honestly feel like I just read my own post. I am living through the exact same thing you are currently!

I have no advice obviously, or else I wouldn't be in the same situation. But I just want to send you lots of love because that's what I feel like I want right now - I miss the DH that I married who respected and loved me. It all changed when I got pregnant despite him being very enthusiastic when we were TTC. I feel like I will never be properly loved again.

He says he wants to try to improve things. And he wants to be a good dad. But he absolutely wouldn't go on a parenting course or counselling. So he isn't prepared to do that bloody much! He wouldnt' go on a course as he thinks I'm at fault at the moment because he says I spend my time undermining him and having a go at him because I've got no parenting skills so I just project my anxiety onto him.

Does he have any family nearby? I know a few fathers who were not involved in parenting at all go for 50/50 to punish the woman for divorce...only to have their mother or sister parent most of the time. Personally if he was moody with you but never in front of the kids I'd wait it out until they were a little bigger and you could face not seeing them every day but his behaviour is directly impacting on them now unfortunately.

Would he read a book at least?

@HarryTheLass I don't think he'll read a book. But if I can get some right wing arsehole to read out some parenting advice on YouTube I've got more of a chance.

I just cannot get my head round idea of dropping off my two small DC at his house. I hate going upstairs to take a shower because I'll come downstairs to some incident or someone in tears. @Hygge88 .

No advice, I'm in the same situation but have older DC. I've reached the point now where I can't do it anymore. I was at that point 2 years, but then me and our youngest got sick, slowly recovering. I wanted so much to fix things for them, have stayed too long. That costs them too, I couldn't, and while I can to some extent talk him down, staying really hasn't protected them.

The one benefit is that my DC are older, so eldest will soon be at an age where the court will consider what she wants in making decisions around contact. I'm scared he will try for 50/50. People on here saying he wouldn't go for it or wouldn't get it because he's essentially a Disney dad whose emotionally abuse, hasn't helped. I have friends in this position, emotionally abusive Disney dad who have gotten 50/50. One I think to punish his ex. There are no good options in this situation. Staying doesn't protect them either. It is highly likely at some stage you will reach a point where you can't do this anymore. Staying harms you mentally and emotionally. The tension in your home will become obvious to your DC when they are older. He will probably try to use them to get at you. STBXH tries to get our eldest to act against me, telling her things I'm doing are wrong, telling me to stop yelling because I've calmly not letting him have a go at our DC. He will twist everything. I should have left 2 years ago, staying has cost us a lot. I wanted so badly to fix things for my DC. I couldn't because the things that need to change are not anything I have any control over.