DH flipped. Feel broken

[Mamato3boysand2dogs]

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

This would be it for me. Your poor children.

He is not a lovely bloke. This is really horrifying to read.

My dad was like this and I don't know why the fuck my mum didn't leave. My dad's behaviour has really fucked me up. Please leave him.

I hope one of your children has the courage to tell a teacher about being abused, so that social services takes them away from you both. They deserve better.

I'm so sorry you've gone through this OP. As the child of an abusive dad, all I can say is, please take yourself and the children out of the house as soon as you can. Or call the police/your local domestic abuse serve for support removing him from the home. The mental health issues and trauma I suffer from growing up with a dad like this and having my mum put him before me again and again is indescribable. Please see that you and your children are worth better, and get out for them.

Kick the cunt out, you’ll be failing your kids if you don’t.

So he's not lovely & it's not out of character.

Yes, well, as bad as that is, he's not in any position to be making moral judgements.

He isnt violent though. More destructive. Id say in 20 years he has gone mental and smashed things up maybe 5 times

He is violent, my sweet. Very much. He is dangerous, violent, abusive and has an alcohol problem, and you need to take your love back and get out of there. If his brother is anything like him, I'm not hugely surprised that his wife seeks comfort elsewhere and turns to drugs.

I can see why he wants nothing to do with your sister in law.

But his behaviour - violence and abuse - to you and your mother is seriously unacceptable.

OK for him to be annoyed that you’d said OK to your mother’s request, without telling him. That would anger me, too, given your SiL’s behaviour, and you not telling him about how is in your home is unacceptable also.

But his reaction is completely unacceptable.

I hope you and your DC feel safe, but in your position m I wouldn’t be. It’s a bit of a game-changer, IMO.

Well frankly he's made SIL look like Mother bloody Teresa in comparison to his behaviour hasn't he?

For the sake of your children, not to mention you and your Mum, he needs to go immediately.

You won’t understand that this is abuse because you’re immersed in it and have been for twenty years. What would you think of yourself if you acted like he does?

What a cowardly piece of shit he is. And you’re calling him a lovely bloke? And trying to apologise to him? I have to wonder what else you’ve overlooked. For the sake of your children you need rid of him. Don’t show them that you will accept this, show them it’s not normal. Please, if not for yourself then for them and their future happiness.

This is very upsetting to read (my XH was prone to this kind of behaviour - he'd be a "lovely bloke" my arse for weeks, then he'd blow his top).

You shouldn't be apologising to him for anything at all, though I know how it works (if you apologise, he might stop being violent and angry, and it will all blow over, and it will never happen again, because his true lovely self will overcome his angry, horrible self - only it does happen again).

It isn't easy, but you need to leave him.

I wonder what he told the people at the wedding, the reason for you not going on such a short notice.

Please don't make excuses for him. You may think it's a sign of love, loyalty and maybe even morality, but it isn't. Enabling an abuser when you have kids isn't noble. My siblings and I don't admire my mum for it at all. We think she's a fool at best and a selfish, weak enabler at worst.

You, your mother and your children are in danger. Your children are spending their lives terrified of when he is next going to explode. s they get older, they might try to stand up for you or your mum.

Are you waiting for him to shove them through a glass door before you kick him out?

Call the police. He has assaulted you, he's assaulted your mum. If you won't do it for you, do it for your kids. They deserve a better life.

He isn’t a lovely bloke. He is an abusive violent man who has threatened you with violence, damaged property and smashed things in your home and threatened your mum. I can only assume you all grew up with DV in the home as your minimising this man’s behaviour and someone should have phoned the police not tan around apologising to him. He should feel ashamed and be apologising to you all and god help your poor DC

@Mamato3boysand2dogs I knew I'd done the right thing (if I needed convincing) to leave my ExH when I sat in my flat and realised I was so peaceful because I wasn't listening for his key in the door.

I used to walk on eggshells too. He was violent towards me but also did the throwing stuff (still violence) and the belittling and swearing. So even ignoring the physical violence, just trying to stop the swearing, belittling and not having something broken in the home was enough to make me walk on eggshells. My ExH would ask what I'd done all day if I was watching a film from the sofa on a Saturday, having been at work full time all week, with my feet up when he got home, then start an argument if any little thing had been missed. So I used to 'up and working' if I heard that key in the door.

My DH now would bring me a cup of tea if he came home and found me with my feet up, enjoying a rest in front of a film. As I would if it was him. That's why I don't walk on eggshells now.

He is abusive. Abuse is not just hitting. It's swearing, threatening or belittling - not the jokey things we say as banter and which both sides find funny - the things that make you cry inside or feel about an inch high all the time. If you wouldn't do it to him, then he shouldn't be doing it to you or your family.

As for your SIL - different issue. You shouldn't have to hide the fact that she's visiting your DM as it's not in your DH face so shouldn't matter. It should be discussed and, to be honest, if my DH still said I don't want her in the house, I'd have respected that. I'd expect him to do the same. But I wouldn't have had to hide it just in case he took offence.

Jesus wept, your poor children. You have a duty to protect them OP and to help them to feel safe. If you yet again stay with this man all you are doing is letting them down....again.

I'm sorry if this is tough love, but you do need to recognise it. Call Women's Aid today and get proper advice on leaving this arsehole.

OP, I can understand him being angry as you knew that he did not want SIL in the house, and said she could come over and hid it from him. That was wrong.

His behaviour is in no way excusable though, and I personally would not be able to stay with a man who could be so violent. He could have hurt either you or your mother. Your children are terrified and he has ruined the whole weekend.

A reasonable person would have said "I am pissed off about this, let's talk it over later" not started throwing things around and acting aggressively. "only" 5 times is 5 times too many.

My XH threw a bucket at me once when we were sorting out the garage, I left the room immediately and said that I couldn't work with him if he was going to behave like that. That was a one-off incident and he never did anything like it again, he rarely showed his temper, if he had been violent he would have been out of here.

Your H is showing a repeated pattern of behaviour. Violence often escalates once DC are born and the family dynamic changes.

You need to think long and hard whether you want to carry on bringing up your DC in this environment. I know you have your mum to consider as well, I guess it is just your house as you say she lives with you not that she co-owns it, but she cannot want to carry on living with you in fear of this man.

Please contact Womens Aid and talk it all through with them. You can see all of our opinions, but only you can make the decision

Are you and the kids currently safe? Do you feel safe?

You know that if the kids were there when he was verbally and physically assaulting you, that constitutes as child abuse and that social services can and will get involved to make sure they are safe (believe me, i know this from personal experience ☹️). Please spare yourself and your kids all this pain and drama and leave him.

Smashing things up once during your relationship is unacceptable, never mind 5 times!

He behaved like a nutter and it's like an episode of Shameless. Grow up!

His behaviour can’t be defended. What a vile man. Get rid and focus on your kids and mum.

I know you have been together a long time, but if you let this slide then you are showing your kids this is an acceptable way to be treated and that would really be failing them. It needs a really frank discussion and him getting some therapy because it's totally unacceptable.

As for the way he treated your mum, who threatens to hit a 70 year old woman because she invited someone they don't like over for tea?

Very very frank words are needed, and HE needs to put actions in place to make sure this never happens again. He also needs to apologies to the kids.

Personally I would be kicking him out but I know its not easy to do something so drastic after so many years.

I was reading your OP waiting for the moment where someone - anyone - called the police as this pathetic excuse for a man stormed around breaking things, verbally abusing people and threatening to hit women. But no. Instead he’s a ‘lovely bloke’ who you apologised to.

Your poor bloody kids, and your poor bloody mum.

The "bad things" that the brother's wife has done aren't particularly impacting your dh any more than anyone else (your mother or your brother).

His reaction is completely out of proportion. No, you shouldn't have allowed her to come over to the house when you know he didn't want her to and you kept it a secret.

But he should not have sworn at you, left you (and the kids) in a remote location, shouted at your mum, threatened her and you, damaged your property etc etc.

Is he usually controlling? Was it the fact that he didn't have control this one time that made him lose it? Do you (and your mum and the kids) usually try to keep him happy?

This is a warning to you - this is how he reacts when he loses his temper. What will he do next time he gets angry? Do you want to be around, have your mum and kids around to witness that?

Unless he was absolutely remorseful and this was genuinely a one-off over reaction due to the drink (and he was willing to make sure he doesn't drink to that excess again), I would be considering whether I wanted to be with him, OP.