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Original poster

DH flipped. Feel broken

733 replies

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:35

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

OP posts:
namnamnam22 · 17/07/2022 12:54

In my opinion it’s your job to protect your children and keeping them around someone like that is not protecting them. Get rid of him

Irritatedmum · 17/07/2022 12:55

Who owns your house? Can you ask him to leave? You need to. And the drink can’t be blamed because he was just as bad this morning. Get him out. In fact, don’t let him back after the wedding. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

beautyisthefaceisee · 17/07/2022 12:55

GoodThinkingMax · 17/07/2022 12:44

I can see why he wants nothing to do with your sister in law.

But his behaviour - violence and abuse - to you and your mother is seriously unacceptable.

OK for him to be annoyed that you’d said OK to your mother’s request, without telling him. That would anger me, too, given your SiL’s behaviour, and you not telling him about how is in your home is unacceptable also.

But his reaction is completely unacceptable.

I hope you and your DC feel safe, but in your position m I wouldn’t be. It’s a bit of a game-changer, IMO.

Show quote history

I don't think he's in the right at all on this one.

He is against the brother's wife because of bad behaviour - cheating - although I find it baffling that one adult cheating on another caused "lots of trauma". Re the addiction, thats also bad behaviour, but it's okay for DH to smash the place up, scare a 70 year old and then have the audacity to sit in his room pretending OP is in the wrong!

I dont know why anyone is even slightly thinking he is any way in the right!

He'll be fine now tho, cause I can't imagine the brother going anywhere near DH! Presumably the reason he doesn't want her in the house is because he didn't want to see her, but he didn't. There is no reason why the mother couldn't have this woman in the house when nobody else was there.

AlexClo · 17/07/2022 12:55

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:45

He does have a temper, yes. We walk on egg shells because he is always tired, always in pain with something. He isnt violent though. More destructive. Id say in 20 years he has gone mental and smashed things up maybe 5 times

Alcohol made it worse.

That is not a lovely bloke, that is an abusive arsehole. Staying with him and making excuses for that behaviour will only continue to traumatise your children

ThreeLittleDots · 17/07/2022 12:55

He is violent, dangerous and a drunk. You did nothing to cause his behaviour.

Why haven't you gone to the police yet? Your poor children.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 17/07/2022 12:56

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TokyoTen · 17/07/2022 12:56

Gosh that is absolutely shocking behaviour. Please take a serious look at your life and work out how you, your kids and your mum can get this man out of your lives for all your sakes. Your poor kids need a comfortable and stable home, not one where their father may kick off about something! Especially about a members of the family visiting which didn't actually affect him as he wasn't there. He an utter bell end. Please start to plan your exit and leave with your kids.

Palmtree9 · 17/07/2022 12:56

Walk away, now. He threatened to punch you, threw something at you, and threatened your mum. Next step is physical violence. You may have 20 years of marriage, but there's no going back from this.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 17/07/2022 12:57

This was my first thought too tbh, but I didn’t say it as I didn’t want to be accused of leaping to conclusions. His level of rage at her past behaviour would be out of order even if it was HIM that she’d cheated on, but to be so angry at her when it wasn’t even him, smells fishy to me.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/07/2022 12:57

Oh love, you've lost sight of what is acceptable.
You imply that being destructive 5 times in 20 years, isn't very many.
It is, it's 5 more than too many.

For your childrens sake, leave this relationship today.

Inthesameboatatmo · 17/07/2022 12:57

Regardless of what sil has done in the past that reaction is massively disproportionate. I honestly couldn't come back from this at all. This isn't your fault.
Please put the children and your elderly mum first . And LTB

Quartz2208 · 17/07/2022 12:57

He was violent though wasnt he. It doesnt matter what your brothers wife did there is NO excuse for his behaviour.

Look at what your children were subjected to - look at what he actually meant they had to do.

Your poor children.

He should be gone

RisingSunn · 17/07/2022 12:58

OP. The fact you apologised after he smashed up the house and threatened your elderly mother; is a clear sign you are in an abusive relationship.

Please get your children out of there.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 17/07/2022 12:58

Palmtree9 · 17/07/2022 12:56

Walk away, now. He threatened to punch you, threw something at you, and threatened your mum. Next step is physical violence. You may have 20 years of marriage, but there's no going back from this.

Even if it doesn’t escalate to actual violence against OP, this is still violence, make no mistake. It’s scary and it makes everyone feel on edge.

Afterfire · 17/07/2022 12:58

5 times is 5 times too many.

But you shouldn’t have invited her round - whether you were there or not. It doesn’t excuse his behaviour though.

hellmannsnotheinz · 17/07/2022 12:58

Suspect you are not ready to hear this op but the best thing for your family is if he is not in it.

If you allow this unacceptable behaviour, not only will it happen again, but you will be showing your children that it is something that can be tolerated and accepted.

If you walk away and explain the reason why, they will see that you are protecting them, your mum and yourself from a situation that, next time, could end up with one of you seriously injured.

Sending love and strength.

WonderingWanda · 17/07/2022 12:59

Op you really need to recognise that this man is abusive. It is not ok, you are so caught up with him that you believe you were in the wrong, that his behaviour wa
Is justified by anger or pain and that you need to apologise. Please wake up and see what you are putting your children through. This is not about missing out on a hotel stay this is about living in an abusive environment.

Cherrysoup · 17/07/2022 13:01

He’s not ‘normally lovely’ if you’re forever walking on eggshells, whether it’s because he feels unwell or whatever. The way he spoke to your mum and you-in front of the kids-is disgusting. He sounds a right loser.

Nahimjustaworm · 17/07/2022 13:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

CrapBag39 · 17/07/2022 13:03

You need to open your eyes. Your children are growing up with an abusive violet father. If you can’t end it for yourself at least do it for them. They have no say, no choice. They have to be damaged emotionally for the rest of their lives and their is nothing they can do about it. That is heartbreaking.

lemocurds · 17/07/2022 13:03

This reply has been deleted

The OP is a troll so we've removed this thread.

3luckystars · 17/07/2022 13:04

Your poor children, you are an adult and have a choice who you live with but they don’t.
You can think of the damage to them and make a decision that it will never happen again.

what are you going to do tonight ? Is there a chance he will come home drunk and lash out ???

if there is you have got to protect yourself and your children now.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 17/07/2022 13:04

You can tell yourself his a lovely guy and this is out of character as many times as you want & I suspect you have been for years, but it will never be true.

He's not. He's vile, abusive, irrational with a frightening temper.

He is abusive to everyone, no regard for the safety & mental wellbeing of you, your children and your mum.

Any one of his actions alone is abusive but he has done so many unforgivable things. Your children don't deserve their fear and volatility in their lives. You don't either. It will cause them long term damage. They need to know one parent will keep them safe. He has to leave or if not, you and your children need to.

The police, women's aid, family, friends will all support you.

Your sister in law is a complete red herring in this story. She's irrelevant. This is all on him.

choolaboola · 17/07/2022 13:04

Lovely bloke? Sorry. If what you said happened, he can't be. That is absolutely horrendous.

Nahimjustaworm · 17/07/2022 13:04

Afterfire · 17/07/2022 12:58

5 times is 5 times too many.

But you shouldn’t have invited her round - whether you were there or not. It doesn’t excuse his behaviour though.

You're right it doesn't excuse his behaviour so it's a moot point. This is violent and abusive behaviour and IMO there is no way back from it OP. If I knew you I'd be referring you to ss because it's 100% unacceptable that your children witnessed this. You need to leave him and accept zero responsibility for the way he behaved