DH flipped. Feel broken

[Mamato3boysand2dogs]

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

I’ve been with my DH 16 years. He’s smashed stuff up 0 times.

5 times isn’t good OP. One time would be too many.

Morning

He is home. I'm in bed and pretending to sleep. No apology, nothing. Just came in and took the dogs out. I'm not sure what today will hold but i wrote it all out last night, the things i want to say, what he has done and the damage caused,,so i dont get lost when we talk.

WTF is wrong with some of you?

Saying that OP is blaming her mother for the violence, but then you go on to blame OP. You are all victim blaming her. OP, and her kids, and her mum are the victims here. OP can't see the level of abuse because she has been a victim of his behaviour for decades.

Of course OP is going to take time to come to the realisation that her husband's behavoiur is abusive. She has been with him 20 years, they will have had some very good times in that time, they have kids together etc etc - it's a bloody shock coming to terms with the fact you need to leave and that the man you love is actually abusing you. Take the ticking thing for example....OP has shared something very secret to her...we can all see objectively that it seems like he's yet again controlling her, bullying her etc - but to OP, it's just daily life. What do you think the effect is saying how weird, how fucked up etc - this is is her actual life. Have some empathy.

When encouraging a victim of abuse to leave, it will take time, OP you may post many, many times on MN before you finally leave. Please please keep talking, sharing, asking for help, call Refuge, I assure you any domestic abuse service will give you more patience and understanding that you have received here.

You've been living on eggshells for your entire marriage so as not to set him off.

Would you want any of your children to grow up and be in a relationship like this? Or would you encourage them to leave, beg them to leave, help them leave.

If you stay, this is what they're learning a relationship looks like.

Call Women's Aid. Get some advice re how to get him out or leave safely. Please.

@Mamato3boysand2dogs I haven't caught up on all the latest replies because there will clearly be a few that anger me on your behalf.

Please try your best to ignore those being nasty and attempting to blame or criticise you.

You are doing the right things and it takes time to process, work things through and decide what you're going to do. At least some of us will continue to support you whatever you decide.

You're being really strong, keep holding your line and we're here for when you want to talk later

Riserved I came on to say the same thing. I remember that thread a few years ago, OP’s partner/dh would go to bed at 8pm and she would have to go up and tickle him to sleep. Can’t be two like that surely?

Good luck, OP. Be guided by his responses to what you say and bear in mind the good advice you have had on this thread. Don't let him gaslight you. What he did this weekend was abuse - do not let him convince you that it was not.

OP be careful with him. If you change your behaviour towards him it can be dangerous for you. Don't make hasty decisions. If you get 5 minutes to safely contact the women's aid helpline to talk it through with a professional it would be good. Unfortunately change can be a very dangerous time for women in relationships. What worries me is that he uses bad behaviour as a form of control. If you make him feel he has to up his controlling tactics he could be very frightening. You are on the right road lovely but this bit needs to be navigated carefully ideally with professional support for you from the women's aid workers.

Oh do fuck off @beautyisthefaceisee. Respectful tongue? She's a victim of male violence and owes you nothing.

I was trying to think of a more polite way to say it, but there isn't one, is there? Another pod. They must be sprouting in the heat (although I've seen that one elsewhere too). You don't usually get this many of them on a thread about abuse.

OP, it's good that you've got your head clear and your thoughts down on electronic paper. You need to contact Women's Aid and any other organisation that can give you proper help. Please don't walk back into the same situation. He isn't going to change. Men like that never do, except to get worse.

That is disgusting behavior and unforgivable and why were you apologizing to him. He is the one who went mental and over the top and reacted like a mad man and showed who he really is and threatening your mum and smashing things. I would be packing his bags and telling him to get out as that is not what children should have to witness. Now he has gone to the wedding as if nothing has happened at all. He should be apologizing to you and it is your house also and you should be able to have family over for your mum when you are not there. I find it outrageous that you are saying sorry to him. Him calling you the c word is just unforgivable and to say that to your mum also. He is a dick.

Glad to see you are speaking with a more respectful and reasonable tongue today

This is the sort of thing men say to keep women in their place, so not the best choice of words, @beautyisthefaceisee . Which is why you're getting flak.

Glad you have written it down. Hope the talk goes well and he is willing to listen to you and take onboard your points. I am guessing how he chooses to engage with this talk might influence what you choose to do next.

Plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Just like to point out - She is actually a victim

And buried in 20 years of his conditioning.

So berating her isn't helpful

@beautyisthefaceisee

Why you think the OP owes you a respectful tone when you know you really upset her yesterday escapes me. You called her ridiculous and haven't bothered to apologise.

If you really are a victim of male violence, I'd have thought you'd have more empathy

I've only been on Mumsnet a year at the most and I have read it. It can't be that long ago.

Yes it is redolent of the the turn of phrase spouted by abusive people.
it’s like you must know your place and tow the line.

leaving an abusive partner is such a difficult and sadly often highly dangerous step to take. Its not just a case of wincing a couple of bags after calling women’s aid. That it only the beginning and your resolve and strength is tested in ways you never thought possible. If there are children involved then it becomes your worst nightmare.

as someone who is on the other side I can tell you now @beautyisthefaceisee your style of communication and disposition is almost as damaging as what you’re trying to escape. It’s almost another form of abuse.

That's very pod-like interesting. After your nasty, long-winded show of berating the OP yesterday, plus your self-important pomposity today, I'd assumed you weren't capable of feeling any embarrassment at all.

What exactly is there to hope for other than he agrees to leave the house immediately?

hope he doesn’t lost it again for the oh let’s see sixth time?
hope he doesn’t get physically violent and confrontational?
hope he doesn’t drink drive?
hope he doesn’t traumatise their children?
hope he doesn’t verbally abuse and threaten her mother?
hope he doesn’t smash things - including parts of the house like glass doors - up?

why is it so difficult for adults to distinguish between a relationship that can be savaged between two committed non abusive partners and an abusive, controlling dynamic where no
amount of any intervention can restore trust and safety on every level….

*salvaged not savaged ffs

'Respectful and reasonable tongue'??

Who the fuck do you think you are?

You don't like the way the OP speaks? Then feel free to walk on by.

She's had a hideous experience and you've done nothing but berate her

This isn't AIBU, this is Relationships which is supposed to be kinder!

@beautyisthefaceisee I also think you should fuck off!

You're the most condescending person I've come across on here and there have been a few! How fucking dare you speak to the OP like she's a school child, more respectful tongue! You need one of those for sure!

OP, don't delete this post keep it, it's tough reading but it will remind you how much your husband hurt you. When he's being Mr Nice Guy, read it to keep you strong.

When you post on a public forum anyone can say anything to anyone (as evidenced by you)

And if you can dish it out you can learn to take it.

Or, alternatively, FOTTFSOFATFOSM

hth