DH flipped. Feel broken

[Mamato3boysand2dogs]

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

All the very best to you, OP. I know it's not easy.

Hoping the very best to you OP. You've been through the wringer.

OP you’ve got to get your kids away from this.

you have sons. This is what they are learning as male behaviour. Do you want them thinking it’s acceptable to treat women this way?

Holy shit

I was shocked by that too @LovinglifeAF

I'm actually worried i gave too much detail and this user knows us IRL !!!

No, working hard is no excuse. I worked hard, incredibly hard and was under immense pressure for many years when my family were young. No jolly get-aways either, was lucky to have a holiday once every three years, because of working hard. No downtime, no time to myself whatsoever. What I didn’t do was act like a maniacal cunt and use that as an excuse. Because it’s not.

No, I wouldn't worry.

There's unfortunately a number of posters on here who will forgive men for pretty much anything as long as they're keeping a roof over their families' heads.

Really pleased that you're getting away for a few days with DC, OP. And that your mum is getting away separately too.

I know you weren't blaming your mum for his behaviour in your previous comments. What I took from your comment is that providing you act in the right way, and tread on eggshells you can prevent him from losing his temper and being violent. Your mum isn't prepared to walk on the same eggshells and will call out unreasonable behaviour when she sees it. Because of her unwillingness to tolerate his bullshit, he had an aggressive outburst. I completely understand that's not you blaming her, it's an explanation of why the outburst occurred - and what happens when someone doesn't pander to his temper (and I mean that kindly).

But that does give you an interesting insight. Step back for a moment and consider what that means.....you say his big, explosive outbursts are very rare. But that's clearly only because you're willing to kowtow to his mood swings to prevent it escalating. You're not allowed to voice an opinion that differs to his when he is in that mood because if you do, it leads to things being smashed up.

What would happen if you didn't act so submissively? According to your reasoning, that means he would be smashing things up a lot more - right? And what happens when your DC grow up and aren't as quiet and submissive - what happens if they are closer to your mum in personality? He'll blow up at them violently too..... When I say violently I appreciate it's smashing things up rather than hitting people, but it's still awful and traumatic behaviour to witness.

All I'm saying is that it's very easy to dismiss his behaviour as "occasional" - but just bear in mind the ONLY reason it's not more frequent is that you are willing to act submissively to smooth things over. That's no way to live your life, love.

He doesn’t sound lovely tbh. The way he spoke to you and your mum is not ok. Then to behave like that in front of your children is awful. It sounds like you didn’t tell him in the first place for a reason. I wonder if you knew how he would react. I hope your ok. But I think you need to really think about his behaviour and wether to accept it.

Fuck the fuckity fuck off with that bullshit.

This is so so sad. Please get your kids away from this man. What kind of example are you setting by staying? You might be able to put up with it - but they don't get a choice. I understand it isn't easy. But it's so important you do it.

Op I no u are going for a holiday.but please use this to get some plans in place.
You need to escape this.
He won't stop.its escalated now.it will continue.
Your whole family is at risk.frankly if anyone did this to mum mum anti came home and found her like you detailed.well,I might be considering jail time.because no fucker touches or attacks her in that way.itmade me feel sick thinking of my mum's face of I came home to this. The fact you didn't have a ape shit reaction shows how normal this almost seems.that you can explain why because she stood her ground.thatvyou live freely only because he's your jailorand u have to do what he says.keep him sweet.keep him calm.
Learnt your lesson?wtaf.shivers. now you no what will happen next time your out of line right?
Clear on the sil situation.no no no one reacts like that over anything ever!! She could be fucking Hitler and u don't.
Don't live like this.dont wait til one of the smashes is your kids or mum's bones.or yours.or worse.
He's working.hes earning.men and woman do this everyday.you don't owe him and he doesn't own you for that.thats family.

Also your kids will be going in on themselves living like this.it will ruin them.
Out of Interest how old is your dc who left on there own? What was there reaction?

The Eskimo doesn't know you IRL, he's just yet another pod person whose sole purpose here is to berate abused women and excuse abusive shitbag men. He's probably the latest incarnation of the guy who tells women they just need to love their rapists better.

I don't know why so many of them are flying off the conveyer belt on this thread, maybe they replicate faster in the heat. Hopefully their pods will melt soon. In the meantime, any decent and halfway intelligent person knows what utter shite they're burbling, so just dismiss it.

"I've made my point I hope" is chilling.

I cannot believe the number of posters who think what he did was understandable or excusable.

I am going to make a point here. He has been violent which isn’t acceptable. If you involve police then inevitably ss you will have to leave and you cannot go back to him as your kids would get taken if you did. You will have to work, manage the kids, he will miss contact, threaten you, cause problems and not pay CMS. Your kids will have to visit and you will spend those visits in agony, wondering how your children are being treated. If you meet anyone, he will fly into a rage, despite the fact he will immediately have gone on dating sites and tried to hook up with anyone. This will continue until your kids are adults.

I am not trying to cause trouble, but this is the lived reality of a couple of people I know. It sucks. I wish I knew what the answer was.

The positive side is that you would develop independence, strength, a new sense of purpose, new friends, financial independence, maybe even a new relationship in time. Your kids would be mostly away from his mood swings.

Leaving isn’t a magical healer that will resolve all problems. You need to know that. That’s not to say you shouldn’t do it, but you have to be prepared to be strong.

I am sure you are all in shock right now. For me, if he had behaved like that and not apologised , I couldn’t see how we could continue. There would be nothing to say.

Oh stfu, victim blaming.

What's all this stuff about pods? Get back in your pod? I'm clearly not down with the kids here. Can someone fill me in please?

I don't see this post as victim blaming, rather a piece of advice.

This is not victim blaming. She is not to blame at all. But she is responsible for protecting her children. People make similar comments on similar threads all the time “do you want your children to end up modelling this behaviour” etc. So STFU yourself.

Thank you. And as I said it’s no different to what people frequently post on other similar threads. I wonder if the heat is getting to some people already.

Op, you say that you are leaving on Wednesday for a week so that you can heal. I suspect this week was planned anyway, before his latest violence.
If you had said that you were going away for a week to make plans to leave him or to come up with some boundaries for him or to send a message to him that you will leave for good if he doesn’t change his ways, or to be able to seek help from Womens Aid in peace, we would be more reassured.

A week at the seaside won’t help if you are going to walk back to the same situation simply having got over the shock of a smashed up house and another traumatic upset. It helps him sweep it all under the carpet again.

To heal properly , you need to make tough decisions and serious changes.
A seaside sticking plaster is simply more encouragement for him to repeat this abusive pattern whereby you have to submit. You will have to try even harder to avoid more of the same.
Every single day, your motivation is to appease him. In a way, that’s become your life’s work….avoiding his temper flare ups and the resulting traumas.
You and your family are worth more than those egg shells.

He hasn’t taken accountability for his utterly dreadful actions, he hasn’t apologised, he hasn’t promised to change, he hasn’t agreed to seek help for anger management. Worse, he reinforced that he is entitled to make his point clear in this way - by abandoning you and the children, threatening physical abuse, and then through horrendous violence and name calling, all in front of the children and your mum. His point is that his abuse has done you all good. You normalise his abuse with your (albeit slightly reluctant) acceptance and you acknowledge your willingness to submit to avoid his persecution. Even if it’s only once a year, it’s still your task every day to keep him sweet so that it isn’t repeated more.

Honestly, I am sad that you have had a hard time reading some of the posts. But you really did need to be alerted to the gravity of your situation. Especially the (almost unbelievable) relentless nightly tickling to sleep ritual which is demanded by him, the master.

Please, at least, just ask for advice from Womens Aid. Let them help you. It will be a step you will be glad to have taken.
Wishing you a better life Op.

@SpidersAreShitheads your post absolutely nails it. OP, please read that post over and over again while you are away with your DC. You don't need to make a rushed decision, but the points raised in that point are key to where your marriage is going so wrong.

She posted asking for advice . I dont know why you are now confused people are giving their opinions. I never actually judged Op, I judged other posters. Absolutely I did when they think that behaviour is Ok.

Up there with bots ans incels.

MN playground poster who think they are very clever and funny by assuming people must be aliens when all they are doing is dismissing women.