DH flipped. Feel broken

[Mamato3boysand2dogs]

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

Kids coming with me obviously.

Thanks for all your support today. The strength i needed. I really appreciate everyone who took their time to reply. xx

He behaves like an abusive wanker and expects tickles to the point that he sulks if he doesn't get it? Is it a kink for him? It is for some. So basically he sulks if you don't satisfy him every night.

Direct your anger at the right person. It's not your mother, and it isn't PPs on here.

Im NOT angry at my mum!! Are you fucking stupid??

All i said is i know WHY he smashed the house. He does this if anyone dares argue when he is in a rage. Mum argued. Good for her! Im not blaming her im just saying i know what triggered him. His responsibility, of course.

Stop twisting my words. Im asking for this thread to be deleted.

And ffs
I didnt tickle him after this outburst or any other! I meant, thats what we usually do. In normal times. Im not pathetic, just in a difficult situation trying to work it out.

Why are you attacking me while apologising to your abusive husband and leaving him with the children and your parent who he abuses?

OP I am sorry if you feel like you’re getting a hard time. But however much you or he try to justify this his behaviour will be affecting your kids already- however hard you manage it- and this will get worse and worse, plus as they get older he will absolutely start to turn on them, either because they won’t be prepared to back off like you do, or to gain more control over you. Just try to focus on what’s best for them in the long run- this can’t continue.

Apologies.
You're just leaving him with your 70 year old mother who he abused.

What?!

NO, the big mistake is him smashing the house up, and calling OP and the mother a fat cunt.

the "piece of work" cheated on her husband which has fuck all to do with the man. "trauma"? very good. The trauma she inflicted by cheating and stealing painkillers but it was OK for his behaviour?

I would rather her near my family than the DH, every day of the week.

I'd hate to hear what you think is worse than a man physically and emotionally and abusing her family

They don't have a break because neither he or she is allowed to go out.

I wonder why as a woman you are encouraging her to sit down with an abusive man . Hes done this several times across the years, in case you missed that.

Good luck OP. Hoping the best for you, your DC and your mum

Hi OP, glad you are taking time away with your friend, he needs to do the same. No-one realistically expects you to divorce today (because it’s impossible apart from anything), but to make sure you are all safe. Posters mostly seem worried, you are so used to minimising and working around his behaviour it seems normal, even lovely to you.
I don’t think anyone would actually feel lucky with a partner like you describe and you have your kids and 70 year other mother’s well-being to consider as well as your own. Deep down think you do know that and not going to the wedding was a step in a positive direction for all of you.

This isn’t always true. I was in a bad abusive marriage like this, and frequently posted online, and then I left!

No, they didn't. Neither did either of our shit hot lawyers. "Borderline", apparently. So in that situation, your only option is to stay, and make plans to leave later. Because there is nothing on God's earth that would allow anyone to leave their children with someone who is "borderline abusive enough". So yes, I am seeing it all too clearly.

I'm glad you're removing yourself and your boys from that situation.
They should not think that behaviour like that is either normal or acceptable.
I hope you have the strength to make the right decision for you and your boys.
I take it that your taking your mum with you too.

How old do the kids have to be before they can decide how much contact to have with each parent?

OP, please go to Womens Aid and tell them what happened last night and of the other times he kicks off, Show them you first post and updates, then ask them “ Am I being abused? Is he abusing my children emotionally? Is he an abuser?
Then listen to their answer.
It will be enlightening. .

I hope you do take the kids and you away on Wednesday. And realise that in a decent relationship you can have an argument wihtout someone punching up the house and threatening to punch you too. Good on your mum for showing you backing off and apologising is NO way to live your life. Your children are learning that women do all the housework and childcare and pretend men are right and don’t argue so things don’t get smashed and they don’t get threatened. Your ds is 13- there will be raging screaming house smashing fights as he gets older and doesn’t want to play like mum and apologise to his dad when his dad is in the wrong. Or, he is quiet when his dad is around and looks forward to leaving home. There is another path here op.

In case you missed that..in case you did not notice, OP will deal with the situation in her own way. OP knows her husband better than anyone else throwing their opinions into the ring.
That is her choice, whatever anyone writes, the OP will make her own choices and decisions.

That is fact, it’s all great giving advice but ultimately at the end of the day OP will do as she sees fit.

Theres been some hateful comments and judgemental comments on this thread.

@beautyisthefaceisee - just lay off her. Do you really think you're helping? Stop it.

@Mamato3boysand2dogs - I hope some time away gives you the space to think. Please call women's aid if you can and chat to them about what's been happening.

Abuse in a long term is like boiling a frog - you don't notice how hot the water is until it's burning. But unlike a frog you can get out. You can choose a life where you shut the door and never have to worry what mood he's going to be in when he gets in. Where you're not anxious about things he's going to do or how you can calm him down. Where he isn't your problem any more.

In a long term relationship that should say!

Bloody hell. What an appalling post.

Mum is going to stay with my brother which will be nice for all.

Im taking the kids with me.

Heartfelt thanks to those who got where i was coming from in my enotional scattergun messages today
Lots to process. If i never see dh again honestly right now would be relieved. I just need time to think and give the kids a fun week with friends.

@beautyisthefaceisee no matter how you rationalise, your first post on this thread was so nasty. Either i was a troll or a "ridiculous' woman. I am neither and for you to say that was fucking out of order.

Thank you to everyone else, what an amazing community this is. I feel stronger than this morning and cant wait to escape with the kids to the coast for a bit. Xx