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Original poster

DH flipped. Feel broken

733 replies

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:35

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 17/07/2022 21:00

I'm sorry you feel attacked OP, I'm sure that's nobody's intention. It's just frustrating when others can see how ridiculous and dangerous a situation this is for you, your DCs and mother.

Original poster
Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 21:03

I can see it too. I just think people expect me to divorce today! I am listening and i agree, of course i do. But attacking me because i havent made an instant decision and calling me names is hard to take tonight.

OP posts:
RubricEnemy · 17/07/2022 21:04

OP, you are venting at anonymous posters on an internet forum. I bet you just pushed back harder at some troll that you have never met and will never meet, all for saying words you can easily ignore, than you did at the man who made your children walk 1.5 miles whilst crying. And ruined their special hotel stay. And threatened your mother. And you.

Focus. The enemy lives in your house, not on Mumsnet.

I really feel for you. Try to pick out the good advice - you've had a lot.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 17/07/2022 21:06

ChinnyTroubles · 17/07/2022 19:11

I have to go up and tickle him to sleep every night

You WHAT?????

I have seen this before on here. The OP must have posted about it before, I know for sure I have seen it.

ReneBumsWombats · 17/07/2022 21:08

You're not ridiculous, or stupid, or anything else. Far from it.

But this is a terrible situation, with kids involved, and it can't go on. And he isn't going to change. They never do, except to get worse. The fact that he's never punched you isn't a huge plus. You're SUPPOSED to refrain from punching your wife! And it's not like he's above threatening it or taking a swing at you.

You need to contact the services you've been signposted to and talk to someone. You can't expose your kids to this and you don't deserve it either.

And he can fucking tickle himself from now on. With a cheese grater.

Nahimjustaworm · 17/07/2022 21:10

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 21:03

I can see it too. I just think people expect me to divorce today! I am listening and i agree, of course i do. But attacking me because i havent made an instant decision and calling me names is hard to take tonight.

Hugs OP. It's 20 years of marriage! You've possibly spent more of your life with this man than without him. Of course it's going to be hard to make any definite and long term decisions instantly and it's going to break your heartal and terrify you whatever decision you make. It's going to be tough, no getting around that, but it doesn't mean you can't come out of it stronger and happier. I don't think you have to make any immediate long term decisions but I DO think you have a duty to make an immediate decision to keep your kids safe. I think the only logical way of doing that is to tell dh to leave at least for a few nights whilst you all sober up and catch up on sleep and then make plan from there. There are people here who want to support you not just berate you. Please think about accessing some of the charities that have been suggested too especially women's aid xxx

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 17/07/2022 21:12

riserved · 17/07/2022 20:56

Have you written about him before OP? There can't be 2 women who have to tickle their men to sleep every night, and I read this very same thing several years ago on here, it's not something I'd easily forget.

I read it not several years ago but a few months back.

RubricEnemy · 17/07/2022 21:12

I just think people expect me to divorce today!

We don't. We expect - sadly- that you will carry on in your abusive marriage as you have up to now. We expect that it will get worse. We expect that your dc will suffer, that your Mum will suffer and that you be ground into placating nothingness at home, scared to put a foot 'wrong' in case he kicks off. We expect that he will get away with it. We expect that all your friends and the courts will buy whatever story he spins because you will never contradict him.

We hope we're wrong.

beautyisthefaceisee · 17/07/2022 21:15

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 20:46

@beautyisthefaceisee

Shame on you. How horrible. I am in shock and not blaming my mum or enabling abuse. I meant i knew that her arguing wirh him would result in the house smashing. Not blaming her! Not her fault! Just the reason as i saw it and yes of course he should control his anger

No there is no shame on me.

Shame on you for allowing abuse of your mother and children, if you're not willing to accept it to yourself.

Your children walked 1.5 miles in tears your mum was scared and assaulted, but he gets back tickles.

harriethoyle · 17/07/2022 21:17

Your poor mum. Your disgusting "D"H abusing her and you saying it's her fault for not backing off. Shame on you.

gwenneh · 17/07/2022 21:17

...he has kicked off massively resulting in smashing stuff about 5 times in 20 yrs. When i said he strops badly maybe once a year that is true but it doesnt escalate as i back off and he tends to apologise the next day

You know how much of this type of thing ACTUALLY 'lovely bloke' types do?
NONE.

You are normalising and justifying abuse, and exposing your children to the same.

beautyisthefaceisee · 17/07/2022 21:18

RubricEnemy · 17/07/2022 21:04

OP, you are venting at anonymous posters on an internet forum. I bet you just pushed back harder at some troll that you have never met and will never meet, all for saying words you can easily ignore, than you did at the man who made your children walk 1.5 miles whilst crying. And ruined their special hotel stay. And threatened your mother. And you.

Focus. The enemy lives in your house, not on Mumsnet.

I really feel for you. Try to pick out the good advice - you've had a lot.

I'm not a troll.

Agree with you on the rest.

Yes it's funny how she can stand up to me but not the man abusing her family.

beautyisthefaceisee · 17/07/2022 21:20

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 21:03

I can see it too. I just think people expect me to divorce today! I am listening and i agree, of course i do. But attacking me because i havent made an instant decision and calling me names is hard to take tonight.

You dont agree.

You blamed yourself, your mother, us, everyone except him.
Nobody has called you names.

beautyisthefaceisee · 17/07/2022 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

unicormb · 17/07/2022 21:26

Please don't condone his behaviour in front of your sons. You risk them emulating him.

whatfuckinghobbyisit · 17/07/2022 21:38

@Mamato3boysand2dogs I posted something similar on MN about 15 years ago and felt even worse after I read the answers. In the end, I stayed until the DC were old enough to be able to choose whom to see and when, because I didn't want them to be with him when I wasn't there to protect them. So I do know how hard it is. You are in an impossible situation. Your husband's behaviour is vile - but it's not vile enough for him not to have unsupervised contact with your children. In my reckoning, even one day unsupervised was one day too many (never mind 50:50), so I stayed. Once you are in this situation, it's never as easy as 'leave' or 'stay'. But his behaviour is horrendous, and you need a long-term plan to leave him.

Ladybug14 · 17/07/2022 21:54

OP - take your anger out on him, not us.

beautyisthefaceisee · 17/07/2022 21:55

Ladybug14 · 17/07/2022 21:54

OP - take your anger out on him, not us.

💜

ReneBumsWombats · 17/07/2022 21:57

Your husband's behaviour is vile - but it's not vile enough for him not to have unsupervised contact with your children.

He smashes up the house, threatens his family, calls them cunts and swung something at OP's head. Would you have him babysit your children?

butterflied · 17/07/2022 22:00

Your children walked 1.5 miles in tears your mum was scared and assaulted, but he gets back tickles.

He has you trained so well it's scary.

beautyisthefaceisee · 17/07/2022 22:01

butterflied · 17/07/2022 22:00

Your children walked 1.5 miles in tears your mum was scared and assaulted, but he gets back tickles.

He has you trained so well it's scary.

and I'm the awful one for saying she's being ridiculous, upsetting her and 'not caring'.

whatfuckinghobbyisit · 17/07/2022 22:02

ReneBumsWombats · 17/07/2022 21:57

Your husband's behaviour is vile - but it's not vile enough for him not to have unsupervised contact with your children.

He smashes up the house, threatens his family, calls them cunts and swung something at OP's head. Would you have him babysit your children?

Please don't turn on me about this. Did you not read the bit about I have been there? Social Services do not regard this kind of behaviour as reason enough for someone not to have unsupervised contact with children. Unfortunate but true. No, I did not want my ex husband to babysit your children. This is why I couldn't leave him. Can you not see that?

LuckyLil · 17/07/2022 22:03

ReneBumsWombats · 17/07/2022 21:57

Your husband's behaviour is vile - but it's not vile enough for him not to have unsupervised contact with your children.

He smashes up the house, threatens his family, calls them cunts and swung something at OP's head. Would you have him babysit your children?

No. I probably wouldn't collude with my mother behind his back to sneak someone into the house who nearly ruined his business either. There's questionable lapses in judgement on both sides here.

ReneBumsWombats · 17/07/2022 22:07

whatfuckinghobbyisit · 17/07/2022 22:02

Please don't turn on me about this. Did you not read the bit about I have been there? Social Services do not regard this kind of behaviour as reason enough for someone not to have unsupervised contact with children. Unfortunate but true. No, I did not want my ex husband to babysit your children. This is why I couldn't leave him. Can you not see that?

Show quote history

Yes, I saw you've been there, which is why I'm unsure that you can see clearly. You said his behaviour isn't bad enough not to have unsupervised contact. Do you mean SS wouldn't consider it bad enough? That's appalling if so.

Original poster
Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 22:07

Yes i know i shouldn't have done it. Ive said sorry to him and i meant it. Lapse of judgement for sure.

What he did though? Not the same. I leave on Wednesday when kids finish school to spend a week with a friend while we heal.

OP posts:
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