DH flipped. Feel broken

[Mamato3boysand2dogs]

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

You've changed your story about how often he explodes and smashes things.

Earlier you said 5 times in 20 years.

5 times in 20yrs would still be 5 times too many wouldn't it?

You tickle a grown man to sleep every night? That's so fucking weird I don't know where to start with it.
He's done such a number on you he's got you actually believing that his behaviour is ok and everyone else is to blame. I understand that he's forced you into this situation but I really want to scream at you to wake up and see him for what he is, a nasty, abusive, controlling arsehole who deserves to be alone.

Most women would make their own money and not exchange their childrens happiness for money from their abusive husband

Actually loads of women are SAHP, she has three kids, don’t shame her for being a SAHP. There’s nothing wrong with that and hopefully she’ll be able to get a good settlement.

@Mamato3boysand2dogs have a read here and see if any of it chimes:
www.refuge.org.uk/our-work/forms-of-violence-and-abuse/domestic-violence/forms-of-domestic-abuse/

But regardless, the behaviour you've described is abusive.

The story changing is extremely likely to be because OP is finally realising that a lot of the things she previously dismissed as not being important are in fact significant.

This happens in threads like this all the time. Nobody in a truly healthy and loving relationship takes to MN to ask about one minor tiff. It's almost always a sign that there's tons more going on and it's finally surfacing. It starts with "he's so amazing", becomes "he's amazing, it's just this one thing" and then we find he's a fucking arsehole but he's normalised his abusiveness so much that it takes some unearthing before OP realises how much else there is.

It’s not the important point you think it is. You’re clinging onto to this to justify exposing your children to abuse.

OP, you need help. I am so sorry that you are in this terrible situation, but you are in so deep that you cannot recognise the abuse and the very clear danger to yourself, your Mum, your SIL and your DC.

You MUST report yesterday's behaviour to the police. This step cannot wait.

And you need to contact Women's Aid asap. He is violent, and he may very well hurt you or your dc or your mum to keep you all in line.

Those friends who think you are ill because he lied to them? Call them. Tell them what happened. Tell them you're scared. It's evidence.

Do not keep quiet about his abuse. It thrives on your silence and compliance. Don't make your children keep quiet, either. They can tell at school. Tell your dc it is ok to talk about being scared of Dad.

Please don't blame you DM for him losing his temper. He did that.

Please recognise that when you 'know when to back down' - you are facilitating his abusive behaviour.

Your updates are making me feel so sad for you. Please do the Womens Aid abusive relationships questionnaire.

Just so you know, I also have a workaholic husband. He works very hard, extremely dedicated to his job, earns a lot of money. Goes to bed early, gets up early. He sometimes gets grumpy but it's always with the job. He doesn't take it out on his family. He has never called me or my DM a cunt. Please don't conflate his working hard permission to give you a shitty life

This.
He just bullies her mother and smashes the house up.

Thats OK though, because the mum is "feisty" and the SIL did something wrong.

The tickling thing - it sounds like ASMR to me. Some people just like to be stroked. My DH loves it - it's a big thing for him and I do it when I can't be arsed (I'm tired!).

He's lucky he's getting 20 minutes though! Like putting a kid to sleep.

...........did you read the OP? or any other posts?

Jesus christ, thanks ladies.

How nasty?

I am not a bloody troll. Im sorry you think me tickling him each night is so crazy. Perhaps it is but ive done it forever! Just a nice calm 20 mins together at the end of each day. Helps him unwind

Obviously i see it is not the norm. Wish i hadnt mentioned it.

Im a good mum and im not deluded. I KNOW. Im just in shock, it happened literally last night so, no, i havent made any drastic choices but yes, i am truly devastated.

Stop being nasty. I dont need this today.

I don't care what your brothers wife did. Your DH could- and probably should - have been reported to the police for domestic violence. That is completely unforgiveable.

@beautyisthefaceisee

Shame on you. How horrible. I am in shock and not blaming my mum or enabling abuse. I meant i knew that her arguing wirh him would result in the house smashing. Not blaming her! Not her fault! Just the reason as i saw it and yes of course he should control his anger

And he says your kids will be fine because they have everything a kid needs....what child, ever, should hear their dad call their mum a cunt? And see him throw things at her? If you step away and were hearing this about someone else's child, what would you think?

When your boys are adults I wonder what they will remember about their childhood?

What does he do to help you unwind?

I expect their father being abusive will be right up there.

I haven't changed my story either. I meant, he has kicked off massively resulting in smashing stuff about 5 times in 20 yrs. When i said he strops badly maybe once a year that is true but it doesnt escalate as i back off and he tends to apologise the next day

Why am i justifying my posts... ? Still reeling at @beautyisthefaceisee calling me a RIDICULOUS WOMAN. Hope you realise that you have really upset me. Doubt you care though!

In fact it is because she is feisty that DH smashed the house

@Mamato3boysand2dogs This isn't why he smashed the house. OP. He smashed the house because he can't control himself. I know how difficult it is, but please listen to those who have been there.

He kicks off once a year but because you appease him he doesn't escalate to smashing things up. I can't imagine how shocked and frightened you are at how much this escalated and he sees nothing wrong with what he did and he has justified it because his MIL that lives him had visitors that he doesn't like.

He feels completely entitled to have everything the way he wants and usually you ensure that happens.

He does want it swept under the carpet and then he'll know how far to go next time to keep control.

Have you written about him before OP? There can't be 2 women who have to tickle their men to sleep every night, and I read this very same thing several years ago on here, it's not something I'd easily forget.

I am listening!! 😔

This is horrendous OP. Imagine you'd done this. No, didn't think you could. There's something seriously wrong with him.

Sorry you're going through this op.
But your husband doesn't have anger issues. He is not abusive because he is angry, he is angry because he is abusive.

He threatened to hit you infront of your children. Thats horrific. Tbh op, he belongs in jail.
Seriously.

How would you feel if your children cane to you one day and said their partner threatened to hit them and called them a cunt. Would that not be abuse? Tell me, would you say anything other than 'leave him and never ever see him again?'

Your relationship is the example your children will follow. Don't let them repeat this cycle.

You all deserve better than this nasty hooligan.
Get yourself out of there ASAP.