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Original poster

DH flipped. Feel broken

733 replies

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:35

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 17/07/2022 19:18

No, it's not your poor mum's fault! It's because your husband is a violent psycho that he smashed up the house, and wants everyone to obey him :(

Original poster
Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 19:18

Re. Tickling

Ive always done it and honestly dont mind most of the time. He gets up early, 5am, so is in.bed by 8 ish, seven nights a week. I dont sleep until about 11pm and anyway the kids and house are still very much awake at 8pm so i couldn't go to bed with him even if i wanted to. So i go up with him for 20 mins or so, when he goes up. I tickle him to sleep. He doesnt "make' me. Although he gets a little grumpy if i say no for whatever reason

Importantly, i must say he has never ever hit me. Like, punched or slapped me
.ever
Thats why i find it hard to see him as an abuser?

OP posts:
007DoubleOSeven · 17/07/2022 19:18

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 19:01

Middle boy is 13. I guess he knows the word divorce due to his age but it certainly isn't a word we've ever used in this house. We don't argue often, rarely in fact.

He has messaged me pics from the wedding of the name cards with mine and his name. Friends i was looking forward to seeing have messaged saying they hope i "get better soon".

I messaged DH to explain the level of upset caused to our kids and my mum and to reiterate that im not coming down. He hasnt apologised, just left a bunch of flowers for mum before he left this morning. Didnt ask if kids were ok. He said "time will resolve it" meaning i guess that im to sweep it under the carpet because i was in the wrong for being sneaky and defying him. He said "ive made my point clear now i hope" in relation to SIL coming into the house. I said yes, point clear but you've taken it too far!

I hope he doesnt come home tonight! I know he will want everything to be ok . I know he will say im overreacting and the kids are fine. Out of sight out of mind with the kids... his stock phrase is "theyll be fine, they have everything a kid could need". He doesnt understand. They need their parent's time. Energy
. He never has any for them. Work work work. Dinner. Bed by 8 ish
I have to go up and tickle him to sleep every night. He has it good but so do i in some ways. He pays for everything. Never goes out. Focussed on building his successful business. Some women would be grateful and i am too, but its to the detriment of everything else. Work first always.. im left dealing wirh everything else

I dont even know what im typing tbh

@Mamato3boysand2dogs
Doesn't sound like a happy lifestyle to me, op. Are you happy?

And was it a typo or do you really tickle your husband to sleep each night?

diddl · 17/07/2022 19:20

Mum doesnt know the signs so argued with him when he got home
Thats what caused the punching of the glass door etc.

JFC No!

What caused it is him with his temper that he cannot/will not control.

ChinnyTroubles · 17/07/2022 19:21

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 19:18

Re. Tickling

Ive always done it and honestly dont mind most of the time. He gets up early, 5am, so is in.bed by 8 ish, seven nights a week. I dont sleep until about 11pm and anyway the kids and house are still very much awake at 8pm so i couldn't go to bed with him even if i wanted to. So i go up with him for 20 mins or so, when he goes up. I tickle him to sleep. He doesnt "make' me. Although he gets a little grumpy if i say no for whatever reason

Importantly, i must say he has never ever hit me. Like, punched or slapped me
.ever
Thats why i find it hard to see him as an abuser?

That is one of the weirdest things I have ever read on MN.

That isn't normal @Mamato3boysand2dogs . It may be your "normal" , but I hope one day you will see how weird that is. A grown man being tickled to sleep??? Oh. My. Word.

RandomMess · 17/07/2022 19:21

He doesn't need to hit you, you "behave" just through fear of him kicking off.

ReneBumsWombats · 17/07/2022 19:22

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 19:12

Mum is ok. Quiet and upset but shes pretty feisty so she will be ok

In fact it is because she is feisty that DH smashed the house. I know when he gets to that "point" to back off and leave him well alone or he will explode. I back off because no way do i want the kids seeing it. Mum doesnt know the signs so argued with him when he got home
Thats what caused the punching of the glass door etc.

Again though, he might do this once a year? All.other times, very well natured generally.. a bit anal and moany, a perfectionist, wants house and garden perfect (3 sons, 2 dogs!!)

Im just fucking tired.

In fact it is because she is feisty that DH smashed the house. I know when he gets to that "point" to back off and leave him well alone or he will explode.

No, it's not because of your poor mum! And it's not because of you!

He smashed the house up because he chose to. Because he thinks it's his right if you're not pleasing. We don't accept that kind of behaviour in toddlers so why is it suddenly everyone else's fault when it's a grown arse man? He's responsible for managing his anger. He could have left the room, done some breathing exercises. Instead he trashed the house, tried to attack you, threatened you and was a violent bastard because he chose to. Because that's who he is.

Are you going to have to tickle him tomorrow?

bloodyunicorns · 17/07/2022 19:22

Your level of denial and victim blaming is shocking.

In fact it is because she is feisty that DH smashed the house.

No, your h smashed the house because he's a violent, abusive shit.

Your h has no time for anything but work. He does nothing with the Dc except complain if they or the house aren't perfect.

You tickle him to sleep every night (you don't say no, but if you did? He wouldn't like it). Ffs...

Oh, op, you just can't see the reality of your relationship. Please contact Women's Aid and talk to them.

A man doesn't have to be violent to be abusive. Sulking, denial, the silent treatment, making you walk on eggshells, smashing up the house - all are part of abuse. ALL.

Quartz2208 · 17/07/2022 19:25

But he threatened too last night didnt he - and went to hit you with wet towels.

And there are many types of abuse and he ticks a lot of boxes - physical is only one element - and even that I suspect he is perfectly capable off and its only that you tow the line he doesnt

And the tickling - if one of your children mentioned that you have to go up to spend 20 mins doing that each night for him I would see it as a safeguarding issue

ReneBumsWombats · 17/07/2022 19:26

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 19:18

Re. Tickling

Ive always done it and honestly dont mind most of the time. He gets up early, 5am, so is in.bed by 8 ish, seven nights a week. I dont sleep until about 11pm and anyway the kids and house are still very much awake at 8pm so i couldn't go to bed with him even if i wanted to. So i go up with him for 20 mins or so, when he goes up. I tickle him to sleep. He doesnt "make' me. Although he gets a little grumpy if i say no for whatever reason

Importantly, i must say he has never ever hit me. Like, punched or slapped me
.ever
Thats why i find it hard to see him as an abuser?

He doesnt "make' me. Although he gets a little grumpy if i say no for whatever reason.

And we know what happens when he gets too grumpy, don't we?

Importantly, i must say he has never ever hit me. Like, punched or slapped me

Well firstly he doesn't need to, since you'll do what he says just with threats and grumpiness. It was your mother who hasn't been trained properly. Second, he will indeed smash the house up and threaten you. Third, he swung something at your head. He's not a great guy just because he's got shit aim.

I'm sickened. You must know this isn't normal. You can't think a relationship like this would be OK if your kids were in it.

StaplesCorner · 17/07/2022 19:27

I’ve just caught up and read about what a wonderful man this DH is and how cute that he must be tickled to sleep! How adorable! You must jump on his cock after that OP!

diddl · 17/07/2022 19:31

Importantly, i must say he has never ever hit me. Like, punched or slapped me

But that should be a given, not considered a plus point!

ThreeLittleDots · 17/07/2022 19:33

He's really done quite a number on you OP, for you to not even recognise him as an abuser yet it is crystal clear to us (and o doubt your mother).

Abuse doesn't have to involve hitting. It also includes anything that means people are getting emotionally hurt through someone else's poor actions, words, neglect, control. And smashing the place up is definitely domestic violence. It is not because he is an angry bear. It is designed to intimidate.

If anything more happens to your children, deliberately or accidentally, and social services are notified, they will take an extremely dim view of your concealment of his crimes.

ThreeLittleDots · 17/07/2022 19:34

Importantly, i must say he has never ever hit me. Like, punched or slapped me

You do realise that his behaviour yesterday constituted several arrestable offences?

picklemewalnuts · 17/07/2022 19:36

You're actually blaming your mum for not knowing how to handle him?!

Will you blame your son when he's threatened next? You know that's coming, yes? He's going to stand up to your DH, contradict him, disobey... that's the job of a teen boy... and at that point your husband will have to lick him into shape. And it will be your son's fault for annoying his dad, apparently.

Then your DD will want to go out with friends, she will probably choose clothes he doesn't like, maybe wear too much make up, maybe stay out a bit past her curfew. How do you think he'll cope with that?

"Again though, he might do this once a year? All.other times, very well natured generally.. a bit anal and moany, a perfectionist, wants house and garden perfect (3 sons, 2 dogs!!) "

So he explodes annually, and in between you try desperately to keep his house and garden perfect, as though he doesn't have 3 kids you're also looking after.
Honestly your totally missing the reality of this man's hold on you!

ThreeLittleDots · 17/07/2022 19:38

Please tell your friends the reason why you're not at the wedding and ask for their help.

Why didn't your husband tell them the truth?

Why does your mum live with you?

beautyisthefaceisee · 17/07/2022 19:41

"Once a year" OP!!! wake up!!!!

your 70 year old feisty mother....

I just can't. Please ffs speak to someone IRL.

beautyisthefaceisee · 17/07/2022 19:41

Hang on.

He does it once a year yet you claim hes only done it 5 times in 20?

Perple · 17/07/2022 19:42

Most women wouldn’t be grateful actually.

Most women would make their own money and not exchange their childrens happiness for money from their abusive husband.

beautyisthefaceisee · 17/07/2022 19:43

I'm starting to get the horrible feeling OP is a troll, after the tickling update.

If you're not OP, you need proper help.

If you are, shame on you.

ticktickticktickBOOM · 17/07/2022 19:43

You've changed your story about how often he explodes and smashes things.

Earlier you said 5 times in 20 years. Now you're saying once a year, so, about 20 times? I think you are minimising how bad this is. I think it may be even worse than you are admitting.

If you are allowing this abuse around your children then you too are subjecting your children to abuse. Children witnessing domestic abuse is classed as child abuse.

You are on very, very thin ice.

beautyisthefaceisee · 17/07/2022 19:43

ChinnyTroubles · 17/07/2022 19:21

That is one of the weirdest things I have ever read on MN.

That isn't normal @Mamato3boysand2dogs . It may be your "normal" , but I hope one day you will see how weird that is. A grown man being tickled to sleep??? Oh. My. Word.

Show quote history

I thought she meant the child!!!

beautyisthefaceisee · 17/07/2022 19:45

ticktickticktickBOOM · 17/07/2022 19:43

You've changed your story about how often he explodes and smashes things.

Earlier you said 5 times in 20 years. Now you're saying once a year, so, about 20 times? I think you are minimising how bad this is. I think it may be even worse than you are admitting.

If you are allowing this abuse around your children then you too are subjecting your children to abuse. Children witnessing domestic abuse is classed as child abuse.

You are on very, very thin ice.

SHe's also now blaming her mother.

SHe's either a deluded, abuse enabling, ridiculous woman or she's a troll.

weirdly I hope its the second

Unanananana · 17/07/2022 19:46

You are utterly deluded. The more you update, the worse you both sound.

Your children have the most atrocious role models. I hope you are happy that you are setting up yet more future adults with a life of mental health issues and all the accompanying effects. So unbelievably selfish.

ThreeLittleDots · 17/07/2022 19:46

beautyisthefaceisee I really, really hope that none of this is true. That would be a massive relief!

I'm sure nobody would want to live like this, even if this man was a multi-millionaire with a golden cock!

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