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Original poster

DH flipped. Feel broken

733 replies

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:35

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

OP posts:
beautyisthefaceisee · 17/07/2022 18:07

RubricEnemy · 17/07/2022 17:57

And the 2 parties wronged by SIL - your Mum and your brother - are still happily sitting down to lunch together with her.

It's the bully you're married to who is smashing the place up.

this

beautyisthefaceisee · 17/07/2022 18:08

i think the wife is a red herring. I think it's the fact you didn't do as you were told OP.

Do you often find yourself not doing what you want to please him? You say he doesnt go out with friends. Do you?

Quartz2208 · 17/07/2022 18:11

@beautyisthefaceisee middle child must be 13 so would definitely be aware of divorce

I agree with the freedom programme @Mamato3boysand2dogs I think there is a lot of abusive controlling behaviour dressed up as being thoughtful

Your children sound like they are desperate for attention from him - does he spend a lot of time suffocating and ensuring he knows at all times where you are rather than spend time with him

And do all his outbursts come when you question his control and decisions?

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 17/07/2022 18:17

Why do you make excuses for him? And why are you with him? Are you a SAHM? Financially dependent on him? He is NOT a lovely man, he is dangerous ( drink & Drove) disrespectful and violent

Isthisit22 · 17/07/2022 18:17

You cannot continue to expose your children to this awful, bullying, violent man.
You are showing them that they have to either live in fear 'walk on eggshells' or become violent men themselves.
Time to act and protect your children

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 17/07/2022 18:20

OP - how is your mother today?

Brother's drink driving is nobody's fault but his own, but brother and his wife seem to have got over their difficulties- despite your husband.

Whiskeypowers · 17/07/2022 18:22

UniversalAunt · 17/07/2022 14:31

’My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away.’

Understandable & credit to your mum for asking if you’d mind as you were not going to be there. But given the animus to DiL, she should have checked first that both of you were OK with this, as it is your OH’s home as much as yours & your mum’s.

‘I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done.’

Obviously now with 20/20 hindsight, this is not so. Keep the peace with whom? Your mum? Brother & SiL? The situation sounds tricky as your mum now lives with you & she is reasonable to welcome her son to her home buuuut her DiL is another matter.

‘DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH.’

Something workable has to be found to allow Mum to welcome family & for OH (& you) to keep someone you don’t like & trust out of your home. You all need to solve this together otherwise Mum will be very unhappy or look to move out, or OH will be very unhappy & look to move out.

But @Mamato3boysand2dogs what this does not mean is you ducking & diving ‘to keep the peace’, this has spectacularly backfired on you & this has hurt you badly.

This is a situation that needs sorting out through discussion, not smoothed over with none of you actually happy or clear about how to get on with each other.

The person who needs to move out is the man who swung a bag of wet towels at his wife’s head, called her and her mother cunts and then went home and threatened the 70 year old mother

That’s the way to sort the situation out. Kick his abusive arse into touch.

youve posted another load of apologist enabling shit here. Let’s all calm down and have a chat over a cup of tea to sort out a way forward.

there is no way forward with abusers.
what are you thinking of?

beautyisthefaceisee · 17/07/2022 18:33

Quartz2208 · 17/07/2022 18:11

@beautyisthefaceisee middle child must be 13 so would definitely be aware of divorce

I agree with the freedom programme @Mamato3boysand2dogs I think there is a lot of abusive controlling behaviour dressed up as being thoughtful

Your children sound like they are desperate for attention from him - does he spend a lot of time suffocating and ensuring he knows at all times where you are rather than spend time with him

And do all his outbursts come when you question his control and decisions?

Really?

without anyone telling them they're going to get divorced?

Surely its more likely "d" (dickhead) H has mentioned this before?

Their wee night out ruined, walking a mile and a half.....

I actual feel so sad for them.

"And do all his outbursts come when you question his control and decisions?" This

beautyisthefaceisee · 17/07/2022 18:34

@UniversalAunt "discussed and smoothed over" Smoothed over?!

Is there a reason all of your post dissects Op's behaviour (where she did nothing wrong) and none of DH's?

I honestly feel like the posters on this thread have lost the plot

beautyisthefaceisee · 17/07/2022 18:36

Staryflight445 · 17/07/2022 16:15

hes manipulating you op.

he’s being nice so you feel guilty, it seems to be working.

Agreed. My ex used to smash my flat up and then send me sad face selfies from lunch with his parents - I'd feel guilty so I'd go and then if I mentioned the events I as "ruining a nice day". Bet my house that thats what DH wanted to do.

LooseGoose22 · 17/07/2022 18:42

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:45

He does have a temper, yes. We walk on egg shells because he is always tired, always in pain with something. He isnt violent though. More destructive. Id say in 20 years he has gone mental and smashed things up maybe 5 times

Alcohol made it worse.

I knew there was absolutely no way that behaviour could have come out of nowhere.

How the fk is he a lovely bloke?

LooseGoose22 · 17/07/2022 18:45

smashed things up

Is it his stuffhe smashed up... anything thats important to him?

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 17/07/2022 18:46

The brother also needs to find another job.

ilyx · 17/07/2022 18:54

Don’t fall for him being nice, abusers aren’t abusive all the time or no one would stay, it’s part of the cycle of - tension building - explosion - honeymoon period. This is textbook behaviour to reel you in. Don’t fall for it.

www.weaveinc.org/post/cycle-violence

Original poster
Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 19:01

Middle boy is 13. I guess he knows the word divorce due to his age but it certainly isn't a word we've ever used in this house. We don't argue often, rarely in fact.

He has messaged me pics from the wedding of the name cards with mine and his name. Friends i was looking forward to seeing have messaged saying they hope i "get better soon".

I messaged DH to explain the level of upset caused to our kids and my mum and to reiterate that im not coming down. He hasnt apologised, just left a bunch of flowers for mum before he left this morning. Didnt ask if kids were ok. He said "time will resolve it" meaning i guess that im to sweep it under the carpet because i was in the wrong for being sneaky and defying him. He said "ive made my point clear now i hope" in relation to SIL coming into the house. I said yes, point clear but you've taken it too far!

I hope he doesnt come home tonight! I know he will want everything to be ok . I know he will say im overreacting and the kids are fine. Out of sight out of mind with the kids... his stock phrase is "theyll be fine, they have everything a kid could need". He doesnt understand. They need their parent's time. Energy
. He never has any for them. Work work work. Dinner. Bed by 8 ish
I have to go up and tickle him to sleep every night. He has it good but so do i in some ways. He pays for everything. Never goes out. Focussed on building his successful business. Some women would be grateful and i am too, but its to the detriment of everything else. Work first always.. im left dealing wirh everything else

I dont even know what im typing tbh

OP posts:
spotcheck · 17/07/2022 19:03

Him paying for the bills does not buy him the right to assault you and your mum

Unanananana · 17/07/2022 19:05

I have to go up and tickle him to sleep every night

WTF am I reading?? He is a violent, abusive twat and you are stroking him to sleep?

You need help of some kind for yourself and to get away from him. Your kids are going to end up getting taken away. Its only a matter of time before one of thems says something at school hopefully.

ReneBumsWombats · 17/07/2022 19:07

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 19:01

Middle boy is 13. I guess he knows the word divorce due to his age but it certainly isn't a word we've ever used in this house. We don't argue often, rarely in fact.

He has messaged me pics from the wedding of the name cards with mine and his name. Friends i was looking forward to seeing have messaged saying they hope i "get better soon".

I messaged DH to explain the level of upset caused to our kids and my mum and to reiterate that im not coming down. He hasnt apologised, just left a bunch of flowers for mum before he left this morning. Didnt ask if kids were ok. He said "time will resolve it" meaning i guess that im to sweep it under the carpet because i was in the wrong for being sneaky and defying him. He said "ive made my point clear now i hope" in relation to SIL coming into the house. I said yes, point clear but you've taken it too far!

I hope he doesnt come home tonight! I know he will want everything to be ok . I know he will say im overreacting and the kids are fine. Out of sight out of mind with the kids... his stock phrase is "theyll be fine, they have everything a kid could need". He doesnt understand. They need their parent's time. Energy
. He never has any for them. Work work work. Dinner. Bed by 8 ish
I have to go up and tickle him to sleep every night. He has it good but so do i in some ways. He pays for everything. Never goes out. Focussed on building his successful business. Some women would be grateful and i am too, but its to the detriment of everything else. Work first always.. im left dealing wirh everything else

I dont even know what im typing tbh

Some women would be grateful

Has a single woman on here suggested she wants a man like him? Why do you think anyone should be grateful for a violent arsehole? Just because he has a decent job?

What do you mean, you have to tickle him to sleep every night?

beautyisthefaceisee · 17/07/2022 19:08

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 19:01

Middle boy is 13. I guess he knows the word divorce due to his age but it certainly isn't a word we've ever used in this house. We don't argue often, rarely in fact.

He has messaged me pics from the wedding of the name cards with mine and his name. Friends i was looking forward to seeing have messaged saying they hope i "get better soon".

I messaged DH to explain the level of upset caused to our kids and my mum and to reiterate that im not coming down. He hasnt apologised, just left a bunch of flowers for mum before he left this morning. Didnt ask if kids were ok. He said "time will resolve it" meaning i guess that im to sweep it under the carpet because i was in the wrong for being sneaky and defying him. He said "ive made my point clear now i hope" in relation to SIL coming into the house. I said yes, point clear but you've taken it too far!

I hope he doesnt come home tonight! I know he will want everything to be ok . I know he will say im overreacting and the kids are fine. Out of sight out of mind with the kids... his stock phrase is "theyll be fine, they have everything a kid could need". He doesnt understand. They need their parent's time. Energy
. He never has any for them. Work work work. Dinner. Bed by 8 ish
I have to go up and tickle him to sleep every night. He has it good but so do i in some ways. He pays for everything. Never goes out. Focussed on building his successful business. Some women would be grateful and i am too, but its to the detriment of everything else. Work first always.. im left dealing wirh everything else

I dont even know what im typing tbh

"made my point clear im hope" I've got goosebumps.

He knows he's scared you all. He wanted to. He genuinely believes you should accept this behaviour and "learn your lesson" and go along to the wedding like you're told.

He's not sorry. And he wants you to be grateful he's not pissed off at you anymore and go and make it up to him.

You are a domestic abuse victim. I hope all the PP who splattered on about the red herring of the brother have read this.

Re this bit - "hee pays for everything. Never goes out. Focussed on building his successful business. Some women would be grateful and i am too, but its to the detriment of everything else. Work first always.. im left dealing wirh everything else"

I had an ex who "rescued" me out of a tricky situation where I'd lost my job and moved back home. He paid rent for 2 months because I couldn't - and then used that to justify me never leaving the house.

Do you ever go out with friends, OP?

ChinnyTroubles · 17/07/2022 19:11

I have to go up and tickle him to sleep every night

You WHAT?????

Original poster
Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 19:12

Mum is ok. Quiet and upset but shes pretty feisty so she will be ok

In fact it is because she is feisty that DH smashed the house. I know when he gets to that "point" to back off and leave him well alone or he will explode. I back off because no way do i want the kids seeing it. Mum doesnt know the signs so argued with him when he got home
Thats what caused the punching of the glass door etc.

Again though, he might do this once a year? All.other times, very well natured generally.. a bit anal and moany, a perfectionist, wants house and garden perfect (3 sons, 2 dogs!!)

Im just fucking tired.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 17/07/2022 19:15

"ive made my point clear now i hope"

This is chilling OP he has reacted like this to prevent you ever stepping out of line

Did he even want children - because he seems to see them as an inconvenience and I suspect stops you spending too much time with them

You are in a highly abusive relationship - no one would be grateful for that.

RaspberryHoney · 17/07/2022 19:17

So now it is because of your mum he smashed the house? Wake up.

diddl · 17/07/2022 19:17

He has it good but so do i in some ways.

You don't have it good in any way.

You live with a violent, abusive man-and force your kids to too.

Quartz2208 · 17/07/2022 19:17

please contact womens aid and freedom programme @Mamato3boysand2dogs

THe once a year bringing you in line are awful violent events - your Mum stood up and look how far it went

But there is constant abuse going on - this isnt a normal healthy relationship or a loving man you are painting