DH flipped. Feel broken

[Mamato3boysand2dogs]

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

Please message him and ask him to not go home tonight op.
if not for you, but for your kids and your mums sake.

how would you feel if someone else treated your mum like that?
youre dissociating because he’s ‘such a lovely man’ usually.
hes not lovely at all, he’s disgusting and probably laughing to himself about how he’s gotten away with it, again.

He’s an adult. Responsible for children. He should act as such.
No amount of swearing and threatening violence will change what your SIL did.
He has shown he is capable of verbal abuse and violence. He’d have hit a 70 year old woman because he considered her loud??
He needs to get some therapy for his behaviour.
You need to get strength to tell him where HE was wrong, no grovelling, no asking for forgiveness. His reaction to the situation was abysmal. Your children won’t forget this. He’s a disgrace.

He does seem controlling and manipulative.

What happens when the DC or you disagree with him?
Do you have any time to yourself or out with friends?

He's not even sorry! He thinks he can get away with any length of shitty, violent and drunken behaviour because his wife loves having sugar vomited all over her... Lovely man!

@UniversalAunt
”I certainly would not react as he did, but you did ask us & you have some responsibility for poking the bear.” Well, having put up with 13 years of abuse in a previous relationship, I can honestly say my DH now would be poked with a stick up his arse if he behaved like OP DH!

@pinkie1967 - is leaving a man who has 'smashed things up' five times in 20 years really over reacting? Because 'is this the modern way' seems to imply it is.

At the end of the day the SIL got access to the house whilst the DH, who didn't want her in the house. But it's not just his house, it's his MIL. And she has a right to see whoever she wants to see in her own home.

So, compromise is that if he's not there, SIL is welcome. If he's home, she's not. With most people it may lead to a row if you go behind the other person's back as OP did in 'allowing' her mum to have the visitors she wanted in her own home.

But it doesn't lead to throwing things and calling someone a cunt. And then calling her mother a cunt. It just doesn't. Because that's an over the top reaction from anyone's stand point.

Smashing stuff up is what a toddler does who can't explain themselves - and we don't put up with that for long do we? This has happened five times in four years. How many times has the throwing of stuff happened? How many times has the DM or OP been called a cunt in front of the kids (or behind their back - doesn't matter, it's an awful thing to call someone).

So why does anyone have to 'discuss' the situation with a grown up who knows better?

I bet he doesn't lose his temper in his business with clients. Funny how they can always control the temper if others 'push their button' isn't it? If tempers can be controlled at work or when out with mates then they can damn well be controlled at home - where it matters.

That may be true for some sh!tty therapists but an experienced one is trained to see through those kind of behaviours and manipulation tactics that abusers commonly use.

The abuser might think they are doing a fine job of winning over the therapist but the therapist is actually taking notes of how the abuser is dominating the conversation, approval seeking and not letting his wife take an active part of the conversation by talking for her and talking over her.

They will also notice how the wife takes too much repsonsibility for the relationship breakdown, blames herself, whilst up talking her husband for being a swell guy, very much like the OP is doing in this post.

Therapists see this behaviour all the time so they know what to look out for
And id love to see OPs husband wiggle out of explaining why he theatened to punch OP and her mother, drove drunk and smashed up the house.

We" walk on egg shells. If you, as an adult, wish to walk on egg shells that is your choice. However, subjecting your children to this life is unforgiveable. "We" had a father wo "We" had to walk around egg shell on and I can tel you that 5 of is offspring all have anxiety issues - well into adulthood. You are enabling this man and his unacceptable, bullying behaviour. You really do need to go and see a counsellor.

This sounds familiar...

This man messages me every morning with love notes from work. Works all hours, never goes out with mates etc spends all spare time (which isnt much) with me. He dotes on me, to the point it is suffocating sometimes but the point im making is, aside from these outbursts, he is a calm loving man.

Yep, seen that too. But OP, this is the easy stuff. Easy because it takes no effort, costs him nothing and makes him feel good about himself for being so loving. And, like you, he keeps this in his ledger to balance it out when he does the horrifying stuff. Both you and he believe that he must be good deep down because look at the gestures!

This is textbook. But it's still bullshit.

Perhaps you're thinking he can't be that calculating? He probably isn't. I'm sure he's not consciously thinking: "I'll send this nice message and then I can throw stuff around later". But whether he's conscious of it or not, deliberate or not - and I do suspect not - it's what he's doing. The easy stuff to feel good and call on when he does the bad stuff.

I'm certain he thinks he's the good guy, the flawed hero. But he's not. And you and your children don't exist as bit parters in his narrative to reflect his self image.

The kind of love that requires no self-betterment, no work on oneself, that requires only that you reflect back at him who he thinks he is, is not a love worth having. It may be all he's capable of, but you and your kids are capable of, and deserve, more.

So what if he sends you voice notes? That's easy and costs nothing.

He hasn't apologised for scaring you all, for calling you and your mum cunts, for abandoning you. That shows he has the self-awareness of a gnat.

Btw his brother was to blame for drunk driving. Not his wife.

Don't forgive your h.

Your dh is beyond angry because your brother’s wife was unfaithful and your brother then drove drunk and impacted your dh’s business. Your dh then drives blind drunk himself. Did he not think that could impact his business too?

I’d leave him just for driving drunk. Arsehole.

The voice note is not loving at all, it’s creepy and abusive as fuck. I actually shivered when I read it.

Threads like this always upset me, because I know the women will never leave. I hope I'm wrong about this one but it isn't looking great.

I agree, the voicenote is creepy and manipulative.

So your DH threatened to punch you in the head and threw something at you, and called YOU a cunt, all in front of your sobbing children, then abandoned you to drive home drunk, called your 70 yo mum a cunt, and smashed up the house

You constantly walk on eggshells with him, and he's smashed up things several times in your marriage. He's also banned YOUR brother from your and your mum's house.

And you think he's a lovely. kind, gentle. man?

@Mamato3boysand2dogs Sent me a video of the hotel with a voice note "drive down my love'.

"Lovely guy" sounds all about him and feels like he could do with some company as him coming by himself doesn't make him look good infront of others.So he thought that after causing such scene he'll just pop out to a wedding? What a nice guy. The right response would be something along the lines of: "I'm truly sorry and deeply apologise for all this mess by acting like a psycho and scaring the heel out of you, the children and your mum. I need help asap so I'm going straight into therapy to see how I can fix myself so the family can feel safe around me. Love you"

Anything other than that is unacceptable. Popping down to a wedding after what he did and texting "Drive down my love" shows he doesn't give a shyte.

oh I also forgot that he threatened to hit your mother too.

Is that all ok OP because he sent you a creepy voice note?

The voice note is not loving at all, it’s creepy and abusive as fuck. I actually shivered when I read it.

Exactly. It's always worrying when the things that women post as mitigating evidence to show that their abusive partner is a nice guy really are actually just more red flags. It makes you understand why they are with them in the first place, because this is their idea of how a loving partner should behave. OP - this isn't loving behaviour, it's manipulation and control.

Absolutely.

I tried to say sorry
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Why? He's dangerous.
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The children are children and it’s not their choice to make to protect them, you are the adult. Your son can sense the end of the marriage and there is no coming back from how his father has behaved. Anything else will impact you & the kids more in the long term, especially when it comes to healthy boundaries for their future relationships.
The behaviour you describe as lovely is not even lovely, but part of the abusive control. Doesn’t seem like he’s even behaving as a parent as so obsessively focused on you.

She behaved badly, your brother having a breakdown is terrible but thing is, they have moved on. They have decided to work on their relationship. Your dh doesn’t need to like her but he needs to accept it and get on with his life.
The problem is he seems controlling, as you say he smothers your with attention but his actions yesterday are awful. Please put yourself and your children before him. Take a break from him and think about what you want. You know you need to keep your children safe and it seems like they might already be frightened based on his behaviour last night.

Also what steps are you taking to make sure you are all safe? Concerning he is likely drinking at the wedding or simply the repercussions of you standing up to him and not going.

You're children are old enough to see what is really happening here now. Playing it down whilst driving home will no longer work they are not stupid they see it all. Is this the example you want them set for how to behave when they are older. So they will either be smashing up their homes or standing in the middle of it scared because thats what mum did. His not a nice person he only acts like a nice person when everything and everyone is doing what he says. You didnt tell him your sister in law was coming over because you was scared of his reaction not because you wasnt going to be there. I can only imagine the panic you felt when he saw from the ring door bell she was there. Thats not a way to live. His a bully.

So DH was understandably absolutely livid and blamed SIL. Relationship between DH and brother strained. So on top of the other things she did, like taking painkillers from my mum, he just washed his hands of her.

'D'h hates women. He hates you ("cunt"), and your Mum ("cunt"), and your SIL, who had an affair - which is between her and her dh - but your brother's drunk driving is entirely, 100% his own fault. Your dh blames women for all life's problems. Your SIL is not in any way to blame for your brother's reaction - he is an adult, responsible for his own actions, as we all are.

.

And the 2 parties wronged by SIL - your Mum and your brother - are still happily sitting down to lunch together with her.

It's the bully you're married to who is smashing the place up.

How old is your middle boy and how does he know what a divorce is?
"Drive down my love" He is actually unhinged.

"Most of it has been lovely" Maybe, but I doubt your DM would say the same. Are you happy with him abusing her?

"he dotes on me to the point it is suffocating, never goes out wiht mates, messages me with love notes". Yes. Controlling and abusive.

I had a similar ex. It was all very sweet until he smashed the house up and took an overdose of insulin because I went out with my friend without him.