DH flipped. Feel broken

[Mamato3boysand2dogs]

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

Op, I can feel how scared, confused and vulnerable you feel.
ssI just want to say how brave you were to resist pretending everything was ok again when he begged you to go with him to the wedding. You certainly did right not to accompany him or give in to his wishes. You refused to normalise his dreadful conduct. Well done for that.

He knows he did wrong but he will minimise his actions..- maybe use alcohol as an excuse. And he will want to move on swiftly from this but without the proper admission of wrong doing and soul searching and seeking help for his problems.
Remember this : a decent partner should be protecting, not threatening.

You made such a good start to setting a boundary by not going to the wedding with him.
Please build on that now.
None of us can advise properly as none of us know your circumstances fully, but take heed of the good advice on here and get stronger now, with help from Womens Aid. Please don’t be afraid to reach out for that help to improve your circumstances. It’s no way for any of you to live. You really can put a stop to it.
Don’t live with this fear any longer.
Act for the sake of your children and mum.

Oh my goodness i didn't expect such a response

Sat and cried. He is at the wedding. He was shocked i refused to go. Sent me a video of the hotel with a voice note "drive down my love'.

Im not going to obviously but this kind of thing is what confuses me so much
This man messages me every morning with love notes from work. Works all hours, never goes out with mates etc spends all spare time (which isnt much) with me. He dotes on me, to the point it is suffocating sometimes but the point im making is, aside from these outbursts, he is a calm loving man.

So when i think of leaving, i keep thinking about the past 20 yrs and how most of it has been lovely. Im scared to leave. Everything will change for the kids and im not sure its right
.middle boy has been crying this morninh scared me and DH will divorce!

The fact that his fear is close to becoming reality absolutely breaks me. They love their dad. He spends very little time with them, its all on me, but they love him.

I have read every single message here. Thank you. It feels like a hug and fuck knows i could do with one.

So your son is already picking up on the fact things 'aren't right'.

And your husband love bombs and controls you.

They love their dad. He spends very little time with them, its all on me, but they love him.

It is common for children to still love an abusive parent. That doesn't mean the abuse should be tolerated. Do you want your children to have this as their model of how to treat a partner/spouse or how you should allow yourself to be treated by one?

I think you'd benefit from doing The Freedom Course. It may help you recognise his controlling behaviours. There's also a book by Lindy Bancroft, why does he do that, that you'll find eye opening.

What has your mum said today?

I'm sorry this must be an awful shock for you. Thing is, he explodes just often enough that you know he must always have his own way. And in between times, he love bombs you and keeps you close.

You are putting yourself before your children.

Show some strength and some genuine love for them and leave him and protect them.

its not your fault that your areshole husband kicked off. But it is your fault that this is the childhood you are giving your children. Shameful.

If he is such a loving husband & father op, how come you all feel like you walk on egg shells?

Oh op. A calm loving man? He does have a temper, yes. We walk on egg shells because he is always tired, always in pain with something. He isnt violent though. More destructive.
no he’s not calm or loving. Please take the blinkers off for your children’s sake if not yours. I suspect you’ve been hiding from the truth for a long time now.

Abusers carry out 'love bombing' in order to obscure and confuse their victims. It's like gaslighting. And daily love notes is just too much. It's not normal.

Of course he's turning on the fucking charm today - he threatened you all yesterday!

I know it's very hard to see the objective picture, and scary when you thought you were in a safe, honest marriage, but please contact Women's Aid or follow The Freedom Program online, as mentioned by PP.

Im scared to leave. Everything will change for the kids

It should change. Your children are children. They can’t make decisions wheter you should divorce or not. It’s your responsibility as a parent. And you are not being a good parent right now. Whatever you think, you’re not.

OP, I understand how your children's feelings about their dad makes you feel. Of course it's complicated. But they are still children, they're not able to think about the bigger picture and deal with the realities involved.

You are their parent, their protection is your job, as I'm sure you are well aware. As hard as it is, sometimes that means being the bad guy, as it were, the one setting boundaries or shutting down things because you can see the danger that they can't or don't want to see.

It may be very hard to stand in that role now, but in the future when your kids are grown and can understand things better, they'll see that they have a mum who is willing to do the hard thing for their sakes. That's so very valuable.

Sent me a video of the hotel with a voice note "drive down my love'.

This made me literally feel sick what a vile man he is!
I guess usually he acts like this and you forget all about his outbursts.

The reason he ‘dotes on you’ is because he’s controlling and manipulative.

It’s not normal to walk around on egg shells and be sent love messages - can you not see how contradictive that is?

He’s textbook.

How often do you go out OP?
How do your DCs and mum feel about him?

He dotes on me, to the point it is suffocating

That's a massive red flag in itself.

He wanted you to come today so you don't have a chance to reflect and think for yourself. So he could spoil you and fill your head with wedding / hotel distractions.

To clarify as i maybe should have done first.

DH employs my brother. When SIL cheated, my brother had a kind of breakdown. Drove his car drunk and got arrested and charged for DD. He lost his licence which impacted DH business as brother could no longer drive, which is a vital part of his role. We also paid for his driving lessons. So DH was understandably absolutely livid and blamed SIL. Relationship between DH and brother strained. So on top of the other things she did, like taking painkillers from my mum, he just washed his hands of her.

No affair!

I agree. My DM has done this for decades and it's fucked up my MH royally and that of my siblings. We've all made crappy choices in life because of it. We all suffer with anxiety, depression and woeful self-esteem. My DM "didn't want us to have a broken home" but even as a child I knew it was just an excuse for "I'm too afraid to kick him out and make a go of things alone". Don't do that to your children, please.

To clarify as i maybe should have done first

All irrelevant as his violent behaviour was entirely unjustified., no matter the backstory.

I'm sorry some posters have been treating this like a soap opera!

hes manipulating you op.

he’s being nice so you feel guilty, it seems to be working.

Hi OP,
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our [[https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence Domestic
Violence]] page.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

Something that I keep seeing repeated here in the comments, that is irritating me,

"i understand why hes angry/i would be angry too/you shouldnt have gone behind his back.." and all other variations,
Who is he the lord and overseer?
Theres is zero reasons to be angry, pissed off maybe but there really isnt a a justification to be angry over something so stupid.
I have strong feeling, if this was a woman actibg like this and behaving like a demon, hese commenters would be slagging her off all over this thread.

This is OPs house too, her brother IS allowed to visit their mum and by extension the SIL is also welcome,
It actually doesnt sound like it was a mutual agreement to ban SIL from the house,
it sounds like OPs husband stomped his feet and made the decision all by himself and OP went along with it out of fear

Im sure if she said " well actually husband i dont want to be so harsh as to ban SIL from our house because i want to keep the peace between my brother and i"
Im sure OPs husbands head would have exploded out of his ass and he would be running around the house smashing things like a 10 year old boy and threatening to hit her too.

If my husband was that stroppy and mean, i wouldnt bother trying to reason or discuss things with him either, to avoid being threatened or shouted at

He doesnt have the right to be "angry" about anything or towards any one,
there is no valid reason for him to not want SIL around, she hasnt even done anything to him!
Especially when his own behaviour is so appalingly bad and abusive, he should not be throwing stones

I agree with others, that you should not let him back in the house and call the police if he tries to make a scene .

He is out of control and dangerous, he threatened to hit you and your mother OP and he actually did hit you with towels but he missed, that is an assault against you, what if the object was heavier or sharper, what if his poor aim meant he hit one of your sons?
And how long before he does start getting physically violent with you and your kids if any of you dare to disagree with him?

One of the more disturbing parts of your story was that he left you stranded with your kids, i dont feel like he cares about you or your family for him to do that, that is beyond cruel
What was so urgent for him to drive drunk over such a minor situation ?

Youve gone 20 years with this man and i suggest therapy for you and im sure you are going to stay with him, so how about couples counselling, hopefully a therapist can tell him to his face that hes abusive and needs help.

No affair!

Come on OP!
At the very least he fancies her but I’d put money on it they’ve had sex at least once.

Do you seriously believe he hates her so much because she had an affair?
Even though it was your brother who drove drunk and impacted his business!

Why would his relationship with your brother be strained if he blames SIL?
And why does he continue to employ him if he blames your brother?

As a PP said doing the freedom programme would be beneficial as you’ve been so brainwashed that you can’t see right from wrong.

That's fine- she behaved badly and caused problems in all areas of everyone's life.

That's totally irrelevant to this situation. He is behaving appallingly, controlling and coercing you, threatening you and your mum, exposing his kids to all this.

I'm so shocked you still think it's just an overreaction to your sil's bad behaviour.

It's terrible behaviour. You need to wake up and smell the coffee!

how about couples counselling, hopefully a therapist can tell him to his face that hes abusive and needs help

Never advisable in abuse situations! The charmer/abuser invariably works their magic on the therapist and cements the dysfunction even further