DH flipped. Feel broken

[Mamato3boysand2dogs]

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

Please read.please listen.please please leave.shit you and your poor kids and mum.
i darent think how your kids have already been effected. Please protect them.leave.

and op your life in this relationship has been conditioned.he’s an abuser.he’s boiled his frog.

and this is an esculation
and it won’t be the last.
you were in danger before,but you are very very much in danger now he’s reached the next stage.

from violence in mood,to treading on eggshells, to damage.destruction.to physical damage.physical threats to you and your mum.and then putting threat to your kids by leaving,by them viewing this.
to your reaction!you making excuses and not just leaving or calling the police which would be the action to take after this attacks on your whole family and home.

I no this is hard.I no you must be frightened and unsure and overwhelmed.
but this is your husband.
this isn’t just a husband having a asswhole off night! Jeez.

please.please.
is it your home?if it is it’s so simple.get a locksmith and don’t let him back in.this is THE perfect opportunity now he’s out the house.

When the 'issue' is that someone he didn't want in the home visited the home at the invitation of another person who lives in the home when he wasn't even in the home and his reaction was to explode at his wife, call her a cunt, threaten to punch her in the face, swing a heavy bag at her head, phone her brother and scream at him, storm off, go back to the home to threaten to hit a 70 year old woman, smash a glass door, throw a chair and generally go batcrap crazy, followed by continued anger the next day and more verbal abuse including calling the 70 year old a fat cunt... I most certainly hope the modern way is to walk.

sometimes I wonder why so many people are in abusive relationships.

then I read some of the utter shite on threads like this and all becomes clear.

Your husbands extreme hatred towards to your brother wife seems really bizarre to me. So she cheated on your brother but what’s that got to do with him? Maybe I can understand not liking her but his feelings and behaviour are way ott. Is there more to the story?
Nothing justifies his actions whatsoever and I would not put up with this behaviour especially around your kids.

This.
If your sil had sold your kids into sexual slavery I would almost understand his reaction. But cheating and stealing pain killers? in the grand scheme of things, meh.
Your husband is abusive. He threatened your 70 year old mother with physical violence. You and the kids walking on eggshells is not healthy. it's part of emotional abuse as is smashing things.. Try and get out this as it will only get worse. Do it as safely as you can. So sorry OP

I cannot & will not defend @Mamato3boysand2dogs OH’s behaviours. I certainly did not intend to undertake any form of victim blaming, so apologies if that is how it came over. I am quick off the mark to signpost to Womens Aid & support agencies.

But to be clear, OP asked a question about what did she do in the situation & I responded by asking if she avoided asking because he might kick off, reflected back what she had told us & what my response to not being asked might be. That is not victim blaming.

How her OH responded was entirely another matter, entirely his responsibility not OP’s. His behaviour is unacceptable.

OP says that her OH has a temper, is stressed by Illness & pain, & that his recent behaviour is not in character, & I have taken her at her word. If our OP changes her mind about this & decides to take action to change things, I wholeheartedly support her.

So why come back to say all this, because I speak & share sincerely on MN & am not prepared ‘to walk on egg shells’ in case I may be misunderstood or offend.

That your sister chose to do to her brother is NONE of your H’s business

what she she chose - or rather the addiction chose to do - to your mother is NONE of your h’s business

who your mum sees - her own daughter ffs - in the home where she lives is absolutely fuck all to do with your H. He’s isolating you and your mother and is trying to control you and your mother even when it’s of absolutely no consequence to him if your mum sees her daughter.

bin him. He’s a total abusive cunt - and you know this

I'm afraid what you've described is not a "lovely bloke". You shouldn't have to "walk on eggshells" around him.

Yep. That would be it for me.

The only solution is divorce. You are married to a violent bully. You are bringing up your dc with a violent bully. Your 70 year old mum is living with a violent bully.

Call the police to report the threats and damage. You and your Mum and dc need protection. You also will need the documentation.

See a solicitor on Monday.

I'd be googling divorce lawyers. A lot of women leave only when they've hit rock bottom (or are dead), and from your earlier posts you aren't in a position to countenance even separation. So all I will say is that I wish all the best for you. But if you think this is bad - it's really only about to get really really hot.

Another vote for leaving the bastard.

How’ve you stayed with him for so long when he treats you like this? He’s fortunate that your DM (or one of your neighbours) didn’t call the police.

There’s more than enough in what he did to warrant an arrest - leaving the threats and physical intimidation to one side, they’d have nicked him just for the drink driving.

Do yourself and your DC a favour and kick him out. And don’t EVER apologise again in similar circumstances. He’s the only one in the wrong here.

He sounds like a very extreme reaction to her going to your house - is there any chance he once had an affair with her? Sorry to mention but everything you have said points to her hurting your family members nothing hurting him.

I grew up with fighting parents and you might think your kids will forget those moments walking 1.5miles crying etc but they won’t. You need to leave this man. How dare he treat your mother like that. Disgusting behaviour - do not tolerate it a second longer

Or tried to have sex with her.

Wow. He sounds like a monster.

You are insane if you don’t throw him out. Your poor kids. Absolutely unforgivable.

How dare you?I am quick off the mark to signpost to Womens Aid & support agencies.You spouted a wall of blabbering crap in which you never mentioned any sort of aid. You said, and I quote: "You have some responsibility for poking the bear."How absolutely dare you come back after that and pretend you give help?You've been here under other names. It's obvious.You want to help OP? Ask to have your posts deleted and then leave the thread. And take Roses, Pinkie or whatever they're called and the other one with you. And your risible self-congratulation about how wonderful you are by "not walking on eggshells" because you expose abused women to your shite.

His reaction is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. He has behaved abusively and it’s a deal breaker IMO “a lovely bloke” doesn’t behave this way.

You were very wrong for lying to him about who was staying in his house.
But his behaviour was vile!

It is your choice to stay with someone who doesn’t like or respect you but when it is affecting your children and mum then you seriously need to not think about yourself and think about what’s best for them.

You say he’s a lovely guy but that’s only because everyone walks on eggshells and does whatever he wants to keep him happy.

You cannot keep this man around your children.
He is violent and it’s obvious how afraid everyone is of him.

It’s also obvious that he and your brothers partner had a fling at one point and I’d be worried it’s still going on.

Why did your older DC get a cab on their own?

Call the police. Get his behaviour on record. Show them the broken door. Give statements. Ask them to flag your address.

You are afraid of him. Your mother is afraid of him. Your children are afraid of him.

Your children have witnessed domestic abuse. If they disclosed this to someone at school, safeguarding procedures would be triggered. It will be very hard for you as you are conditioned to give in to him to avoid his anger, but you need to prioritise the safety of yourself, your children and your mother. Get help to get him out.

Your children will never forget witnessing these events. I witnessed my mother shouting and swearing at my (lovely) grandfather when I was about 13. Never forgotten it.

Calling your mum a cunt is unforgivable.

Lovely men don't do that regardless of how upset they are.

He assaulted you in front of your kids, then drunk drove home to assault your mum, wtaf come on, it's time to wake up and leave him.

Where’s the op gone?

CallOnMe OP was “very wrong for lying to him about who was staying in his house”?! Apart from totally irrelevant to his behaviour, an infidelity and addict taking pain killers is an angel compared to how he has behaved

1. Family home, not his house


2. Her mother lives there, she invited them for lunch


3. OP ‘walks on egg shells’, part of the pattern of control in an abusive relationship. This might be why she didn’t tell him?

Good points from PP re the level of anger to the brothers wife.

There's either more to the story there or DH just generally gets that angry when people dont obey hhim. Neither are good.

Cant believe people (women!!) are still trying to make out OP is in any way at fault. I'm horrified.

Probably chased away by the people blaming her.

@pinkie1967 are you HONESTLY saying we should be encouraging her to sit down and appease an abusive, violent man?!