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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH flipped. Feel broken

733 replies

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:35

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

OP posts:
LovinglifeAF · 17/07/2022 14:40

That’s awful. He’s not a lovely bloke, he’s a vile pig of a man. Sorry if I missed it in your post but how did he get home if he was drunk? How dare he upset you and your children and be so vile to your poor mum? How dare he lock you out of a room in your own home?

He is a monster. I hope you find the strength to leave

ScreamingInfidelities · 17/07/2022 14:41

Nahimjustaworm · 17/07/2022 14:37

Yes absoluetely it's the 'modern way' Empowering every woman of the land to not tolerate violence. There is no grey area here and there's no room for 'discussion'. This isn't just a minor disagreement it's a serious incidence of domestic violence witnessed by children. Women can now support themselves, think for themselves and raise children by themselves. They don't and shoudln't have to tolerate violence from anybody and children shouldn't have to witness it and suffer the trauma that comes from that. It aint the 1950s any more. Get used to it

Show quote history

@Nahimjustaworm 👏👏👏👏👏

thisyearsuckssofar · 17/07/2022 14:43

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:45

He does have a temper, yes. We walk on egg shells because he is always tired, always in pain with something. He isnt violent though. More destructive. Id say in 20 years he has gone mental and smashed things up maybe 5 times

Alcohol made it worse.

If be waving him off tbh. This is exactly what my husband was like. Always unwell, often grumpy. I walked on eggshells a lot. He was probably depressed but wouldn't admit it.

He called my DM a cunt for a little joke he didn't like. I called him out on his behaviour one day (usually let things slide for and easy life) and he exploded, calling me all sorts of horrible things and throwing things around. After 23 years, that was the nail in the coffin for me.

No more waking on eggshells. I'm happier than I've been in years. We all are, Inc my ex.

MelDan · 17/07/2022 14:44

Has he had an affair with this woman or what?! Why the dramatic reaction?

why speak to you or your mum like that

20 years or not he is a bully- full stop

I siuld use this incident as the start of leaving him

M

thisyearsuckssofar · 17/07/2022 14:46

And I agree that the modern way is not too put up with this bullshit from anyone.

ThreeLittleDots · 17/07/2022 14:47

walk out, rather than trying to resolve any issues

Yes DO work much harder in ensuring that dear husband doesn't get drunk and smash the place up again, dear 🙄

007DoubleOSeven · 17/07/2022 14:47

@KosherDill you are clearly incredibly ignorant about life with an abuser and your post implies the op is herself to blame.

LovinglifeAF · 17/07/2022 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Quotes deleted post

lifeturnsonadime · 17/07/2022 14:48

I am astounded that anyone is trying to excuse his behaviour by saying that the OP was somehow asking for it because she'd gone behind his back and allowed the SIL in the house.

It's her house, the mother lives there. There are 3 adults in the house yet some people think it is up to the man to decide which guests the other 2 adults are allowed to have in the house when he isn't even there!

I truly despair. This man is controlling and violent. He alone is to blame.

007DoubleOSeven · 17/07/2022 14:50

@UniversalAunt NO - it is NOT a situation that needs discussion. The situation is a serious incident of domestic violence perpetrated by a man who had been abusive to his wife for so long she has become conditioned to it. Discussion is wildly inappropriate for a number of reasons - not least because it won't change anything and continue to excuse his behaviour.

Kindly don't post again until you've educated yourself.

007DoubleOSeven · 17/07/2022 14:52

Are the moderators all on a lunch break? Some active moderation here in order to protect victims of domestic violence from further psychological harm would be appreciated.

ThreeLittleDots · 17/07/2022 14:54

Yes, they usually delete victim-blaming posts.

Heronwatcher · 17/07/2022 14:55

He’s a monster. You need to get your kids and mum out of there. That’s all.

ReneBumsWombats · 17/07/2022 14:55

Shitty people often overreact extremely to other people's misdemeanours because it makes them feel virtuous. They can then indulge themselves in their abusiveness with impunity because it's only because they're so MORAL that they are outraged enough to respond like this. It's the ultimate "look what you made me do".

To make it even worse, some women think it shows their own moral fibre to excuse and justify it....because it means they're loyal or loving or seeing the best in people or whatever.

It's fucked up and there's nothing righteous about it. Don't pander to it and definitely don't force it upon kids.

Whitehorsegirl · 17/07/2022 14:57

Why on earth would you apologise to him and put up with his behaviour?

He assaulted you and your mother in front of your kids.

Get the police involved, tell them you no longer feel safe with him in the house and that he needs to leave.

Whether he had a reason to be upset with your sister in law being in the house is irrelevant. His reaction was completely disproportionate and unacceptable.

''He does have a temper, yes. We walk on egg shells because he is always tired, always in pain with something. He isnt violent though. More destructive. Id say in 20 years he has gone mental and smashed things up maybe 5 times.Alcohol made it worse.'' I mean WTF?

Seriously OP, this man has some serious issues and you need to stop making excuses for him.

HideousKinky · 17/07/2022 14:58

This is appalling. You must seriously consider leaving this man. Your children should not be exposed to his violent abusive behaviour

Crabwoman · 17/07/2022 14:58

justasking111 · 17/07/2022 14:31

Has he had sex with her in the past. I only ask because his rage seems so extreme

Show quote history

This is exactly my thought. His feelings towards her are so out of proportion, that I do wonder if there is more to the story.

Regardless, you have to leave him.

Bitwornout · 17/07/2022 14:59

He's not a good man - I'm so sorry for you, your kids and your mum. You are going to need to dig deep and find the strength to leave him. My dad was like this and my mum never left him. I find it incredibly hard to forgive her for not protecting me and my siblings from him. You saying he's not violent (meaning he doesn't hit you) but smashes things up is exactly what my mum said as if that made it OK. I understand how hard this is but your kids can't protect themselves from the damage he is causing.

EerieSilence · 17/07/2022 15:00

There's no excuse for this kind of behaviour. Instead of constant apologising which makes him think he's right you need to stand up to him and tell him this kind of behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. Stand your ground and don't kowtow to him and his whims.

Figgygal · 17/07/2022 15:01

He needs to leave over all of that
Marriage over
Set an example for your kids

For what its worth my sil cheated on my brother. He forgave her which is their business. weve never forgotten though but that's as far as it goes

comfortablyfrumpy · 17/07/2022 15:01

OP Sorry but he sounds awful.
I think for you, your life and your mum's sake, please get some advice. Don't let uouf kids think this is ok. You all deserve better.

Walking on eggshells is not OK.

Mangolist · 17/07/2022 15:01

Nasty, nasty, nasty man. You have to stop fannying around and thinking he's lovely and do something. My mum was a nightmare but if any of my partners, including my current dh ( who genuinely is lovely) called her a cunt in temper and started smashing her home up, I would have lost the plot.

Stop being so pathetic and sort this out. He's got you where he wants you and soon you'll be too worn down and scared to manage.

comfortablyfrumpy · 17/07/2022 15:02

*your kids, not your life
Bloody autocorrect.

WakeyCakeyHeart · 17/07/2022 15:02

Get out before he seriously harms or kills you - he has the potential.

Fairislefandango · 17/07/2022 15:03

Hey, victim blamers - would you smash stuff up and scream vile, offensive abuse at your partner in front of your children and threaten to attack him/her, followed by screaming abuse at and threatening to attack your mother-in-law, if they had done something you didn't like and hadn't told you the truth about it? I'm guessing probably not. But why not, if you think it's justified?

The OP's husband didn't behave that way because of what the OP did. He behaved that way because that is the kind of man he is (and he clearly has previous - this is not out of character). The vast majority of people wouldn't behave like that however angry they were.