DH flipped. Feel broken

[Mamato3boysand2dogs]

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

ONLY smashed things up 5 times in 20 years😳 thats 5 too many.

@Mamato3boysand2dogs I'm sorry op, this is awful.

What you need to do is call the police and report the assaults on your mum and you. Your priority now is the safety of your family: you, your children and your mum.

Do not let him back to the house.

You should also start divorce proceedings immediately.

From your post above though, I notice youve lived with abusive behaviour for years. It seems that you haven't realised that's what it is, that's OK lots of women in your shoes don't.

But absuvie behaviour is what it is, however normalised it had become in your home.

Take a look at these pages: www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

I anticipate that you'll notice you can tick off a lot of examples.

It might be hard to realise and you may naturally find yourself trying to rationalise it, 'oh yes he did that but it wasn't like that, it wasn't abuse, he was just tired/stressed/angry/insecure and he's usually so lovely etc'

Please give womens aid a call and talk things through, there's lots of support to help you every step of the way x

From what you say, there are some pressing issues for him & for you as a couple

Only one issue to sort as a couple and that's a divorce.
Any suggestion that OP is in any way culpable for that disgusting display of behaviour is victim blaming, nothing less.

@UniversalAunt your post is utterly appalling and I've reported it. Justifying domestic violence because the victim disobeyed her husband? Absolutely disgusting.

By staying with a violent abuser you’re subjecting your children and your mum to him too.

You need to give yourself a shake, OP. You’re failing to keep your children safe.

This is my thought too after the over the top extreme reaction to someone that isn't even really his relative.

Then she mentioned his drinking, him being in pain, the SIL stealing pain killers. Seems like a convenient way to prevent OP from ever finding out if that is the case. SIL would be too afraid of him.

Or the more likely scenario is he hates women.

So in one comment you say the following...

"He does have a temper, yes. We walk on egg shells because he is always tired, always in pain with something. He isnt violent though. More destructive. Id say in 20 years he has gone mental and smashed things up maybe 5 times."

In another comment you say the following...

"He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character"

The 2 comments aren't describing the same person, just because he hasn't beaten you up doesn't mean he isn't emotionally abusing you making you walk on egg shells (as you say). What a hideous person, I'd be divorcing his arse. He threatened your mother a 70 year old woman too, why on earth haven't you thrown him out or had the police remove him? Your poor children witnessing him act like that too. Hope you can manage to break away from this horrible man.

@UniversalAunt
”I certainly would not react as he did, but you did ask us & you have some responsibility for poking the bear.”

poking the bear. Well she has said she walks on eggshells so in that sense your observation is correct but his reaction was indefensible on so many levels it puts what triggered him well and truly in the shade

the OP might have felt responsible if he’d said calmly that he felt disappointed and betrayed but now was not the time for that discussion and it would wait until they were home and NOT in front of their kids

the violent explosive rage and the things that followed were terrifying.
his behaviour is an aberration.

What he is doing is abusive you should leave him.

I wonder what other trauma he's put those poor kids through.

A self-centered, angry monster. Get rid ASAP. Think about what this is teaching your kids.

This is unbelievable.

So you knew he was like that before you chose to have kids with him?

Can you and the other victim blamer who can't tell the difference between having someone round and throwing an abusive, threatening, violent, monstrous fit just fold yourselves back into your pods? And then maybe eject yourselves into orbit?

Op smashing stuff up, getting drunk, screaming abuse to old people and children when he doesn’t get his own way is domestic abuse. You are conditioned to accept it to the extent that you apologise to him for disobeying orders and you consider him a lovely man. The kids have grown up with this and may very well chose a similar partner because this is what they think family relationships are so don’t be surprised if they end up in a long term abusive relationship as well as you because that is what they have seen. Please show your kids that it is not ok to be treated like this. He needs to be reported to the police, he needs to move out today.

That is 5 times too many. 1 time would have been too many. Why do you stay with a man who threatens violence towards women. You say he is desructive. This is no way to bring up children. They are witnesses to abuse.

’My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away.’

Understandable & credit to your mum for asking if you’d mind as you were not going to be there. But given the animus to DiL, she should have checked first that both of you were OK with this, as it is your OH’s home as much as yours & your mum’s.

‘I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done.’

Obviously now with 20/20 hindsight, this is not so. Keep the peace with whom? Your mum? Brother & SiL? The situation sounds tricky as your mum now lives with you & she is reasonable to welcome her son to her home buuuut her DiL is another matter.

‘DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH.’

Something workable has to be found to allow Mum to welcome family & for OH (& you) to keep someone you don’t like & trust out of your home. You all need to solve this together otherwise Mum will be very unhappy or look to move out, or OH will be very unhappy & look to move out.

But @Mamato3boysand2dogs what this does not mean is you ducking & diving ‘to keep the peace’, this has spectacularly backfired on you & this has hurt you badly.

This is a situation that needs sorting out through discussion, not smoothed over with none of you actually happy or clear about how to get on with each other.

Has he had sex with her in the past. I only ask because his rage seems so extreme

I am horrified by the few replies blaming the op in cases of serious domestic violence! Reported each and everyone of them and I hope I'm not the only one.

@Mamato3boysand2dogs don't you dare to listen to those excuses of domestic violence.

NONE of this was in any way your fault.

And this one!

Whence all the...people who think women should just WORK HARDER with men who call them cunts, smash things up, throw things around, threaten them and their mothers and swing things at them?

Is it the heat? Did their pods melt? Three of them in one quick glance. It's gonna take a fucking exorcist to get rid of them.

Who’s blaming her? The husband is trash but she has a choice every day to expose her kids to domestic abuse and traumatise them, they get no choice, I’ve been that kid, and it sickens me to read about new generations being traumatised. This thread is about analysing the abuser, sadly, instead of focusing on the victims.

Well he is violent now. Abusive barely covers it. If someone did that in front of my kids and threatened to punch my mum then he wouldn't be my DH.

Are you seriously suggesting that the OP should try and resolve differences with a violent, abusive man who attempted to hit her with a bag of wet towels and then threatened to hit her 70 year old mother.

I really hope not. Op needs to get rid of him. 1 display of abusive, violet behaviour is 1 too many.

OP he is abusive to you, your children and your mum. You can't trust him to not hurt any of you. Contact womens aid to get help to leave him. He is not a lovely man he is a violent man. Get him out of your life.

Yes absoluetely it's the 'modern way' Empowering every woman of the land to not tolerate violence. There is no grey area here and there's no room for 'discussion'. This isn't just a minor disagreement it's a serious incidence of domestic violence witnessed by children. Women can now support themselves, think for themselves and raise children by themselves. They don't and shoudln't have to tolerate violence from anybody and children shouldn't have to witness it and suffer the trauma that comes from that. It aint the 1950s any more. Get used to it