Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DH flipped. Feel broken

733 replies

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:35

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

OP posts:
Beelezebub · 17/07/2022 13:51

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:45

He does have a temper, yes. We walk on egg shells because he is always tired, always in pain with something. He isnt violent though. More destructive. Id say in 20 years he has gone mental and smashed things up maybe 5 times

Alcohol made it worse.

Bags on the doorstep waiting for him when he gets back from the wedding.

He threatened you in front of your children. He tried to attack you. He threatened your mother. He destroyed things in your home. And not for the first time. Your children are traumatised and you ALL walk on eggshells around him.

he is not a lovely man.

Get him out and keep him.

Do not apologise to him.

Ring the police to make sure they are aware he’s likely to become violent when you tell him you’re divorcing him.

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 17/07/2022 13:51

Sandra1984 · 17/07/2022 13:49

I'm inclined to think "lovely husband" had "something" with SIL and she dumped his sorry ass, that level of hatred towards a woman who cheated on another man (who is not even your brother) is very suspicious. This is the reaction of a man who is deeply hurted and not because she cheated on his much hated BIL or stole some pills from his "cunt MIL".

Show quote history

Agreed - except I'm inclined to think sil didn't dump him because the thing was all one- sided and never got off the ground.

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 17/07/2022 13:53

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:45

He does have a temper, yes. We walk on egg shells because he is always tired, always in pain with something. He isnt violent though. More destructive. Id say in 20 years he has gone mental and smashed things up maybe 5 times

Alcohol made it worse.

he behaved outrageously and YOU apologised this (abusive) behaviour is not actually that out of character is it?

It's like boiling a frog alive by heating the water up very slowly - you keep excusing and justifying his behaviour and he just keeps getting just a little worse. You can't see it so well as you're the one in the pot. So let me ask you some simple questions should your 'significant other' treat you better or worse than a random stranger? Is behaviour that would be assault from a stranger ok because he's your husband? Are people entitled to feel safe and relaxed at home? Do you feel safe and relaxed at home? Do your children? Do you notice that you are more relaxed when he's out? Do your children walk on eggshells too? Is that ok?

<3

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 17/07/2022 13:53

After all that you're calling him a lovely bloke. Please open your eyes even if not for yourself but for your little ones. Come on Op "lovely blokes" don't call 70 year old women or anyone for that matter a "fat cunt"nor do they threaten to punch their wives, I could go on and on. What's your poor mum apologising for. Does the whole world have to dance to his tune! and pussy foot around him.
Ive not read any where in your post about him threatening to punch or calling any men " fat cunts", why not are they too tough for this bullying brute.

Im also wondering why is he so invested in your brothers wife. If I've got to be completely honest if itwrr we're me I'd be thinking something was or had been going .

ReneBumsWombats · 17/07/2022 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oh not you again. Haven't you got a pod to return to or something?

Hutchy16 · 17/07/2022 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 17/07/2022 13:56

On. Now notice im saying what 'I'd be thinking I'm not telling you to think that way..You have your own mind.

Sorry posted to quickly before

HoppingPavlova · 17/07/2022 13:57

He does have a temper, yes. We walk on egg shells because he is always tired, always in pain with something. He isnt violent though. More destructive. Id say in 20 years he has gone mental and smashed things up maybe 5 times

You think it’s okay for your kids to live in this environment? Stuff me.

And no, his temper and ‘he is a lovely bloke’ do not match. You are in some weird denial.

Hiddenvoice · 17/07/2022 13:58

What your brothers wife has done was rotten but that’s a ridiculous way for your dh to behave. Time has passed and clearly your brother and your mum have forgiven her so it’s really time tk leave that in the past. What I could not forgive is your husband, he was drunk, violent and extremely aggressive to you and your mum whilst in front of his children.
Are you and your children okay? Personally I wouldn’t allow him to stay tonight after the wedding. He should get a hotel somewhere and stay elsewhere until the children and you are ready to face him. You should not be apologising for anything. The fact that you had to hide the fact your mum invited them over is worrying enough. Please take some time away from him. He needs to realise what he has done and how it is not okay. Speak to womens aid and get some advice and support because even if he isn’t usually violent, it still sounds like a very volatile relationship which is not healthy.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 17/07/2022 13:58

He is physically and emotionally abusive to you AND the children. You are failing to protect them. Potentially they could be removed by CS to keep them safe.

Staffy1 · 17/07/2022 13:58

He is actually a lovely bloke

He really isn’t. No one lovely tries threatens to hit their wife and mother in law, actually tries to hit his wife in the head with a heavy bag and calls them cunts, especially in front of children. Or leaves them all stranded because he’s having a wobbly. Bloody awful behaviour over nothing, he didn’t even have to see you SIL.

bloodyunicorns · 17/07/2022 13:59

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:45

He does have a temper, yes. We walk on egg shells because he is always tired, always in pain with something. He isnt violent though. More destructive. Id say in 20 years he has gone mental and smashed things up maybe 5 times

Alcohol made it worse.

He's an abusive shit. He may 'only' have gone mad and smashed things five times, but that's because he doesn't have to - you walk on eggshells not to upset him. What a vile disgusting bully he is.

Don't let your Dc see him treating you like this.

Ask him to leave.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 17/07/2022 14:00

I've never sworn directly at anyone on here but after almost 6 years ill make an exception Fuck you "Rosesandhellebores" with your victim blaming.

bloodyunicorns · 17/07/2022 14:00

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 17/07/2022 11:49

My brothers wife has cheated on him, causing a lot of trauma in the family. she also stole painkillers from my mum to feed an addiction she had. He just cant stand her your dh has made it all about him. IMO his behaviour in reaction to her was much worse than your sil's original crime. I think your marriage needs to be over, your children can't ever be under the impression that this is how adults behave in relationships.

This.

Did your h support his brothers at the time? Why is he making it all about himself now? The way he has behaved to his mum and to you and your Dc is just awful. Your poor kids.

ThreeLocusts · 17/07/2022 14:01

So sorry OP. Having known people who were perfectly OK sober and vile drunk, I can see how you can reckon that he is 'normally' a nice bloke.

But as others have said, not really. You said you're all walking on eggshells b/o his temper, apparently even when he isn't drunk, and anyway it's his choice to get drunk, knowing the Jekyll/Hyde effect it has on him.

I think he's left you no choice but to ditch him. Sorry about all you're about to lose. But this is just not tenable. Best of luck.

Pipsquiggle · 17/07/2022 14:02

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 17/07/2022 13:53

he behaved outrageously and YOU apologised this (abusive) behaviour is not actually that out of character is it?

It's like boiling a frog alive by heating the water up very slowly - you keep excusing and justifying his behaviour and he just keeps getting just a little worse. You can't see it so well as you're the one in the pot. So let me ask you some simple questions should your 'significant other' treat you better or worse than a random stranger? Is behaviour that would be assault from a stranger ok because he's your husband? Are people entitled to feel safe and relaxed at home? Do you feel safe and relaxed at home? Do your children? Do you notice that you are more relaxed when he's out? Do your children walk on eggshells too? Is that ok?

<3

Show quote history

Well said. The 'walking on egg shells' sounds horrific.

Would you like your sons to be the same as your 'D'H?

ThreeLocusts · 17/07/2022 14:03

PS. and echoing others don't apologise. That's his job, not yours, and it is worrying that you think you need to do the apologising.

Cj19877 · 17/07/2022 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I'm sorry but I completely agree with the last paragraph, having been in this position before (and also watching too many true crime docs), you know what you need to do Op, for the sake of yours and your family's safety. If he has another of these blind rages with a knife around, he won't think twice. Don't let him guilt you out of doing the right thing, stay strong 💐

Liz1tummypain · 17/07/2022 14:05

i think you're in an abusive relationship. You have to get yourself and your kids to safety. Get some proper help.

Ladybug14 · 17/07/2022 14:05

Hes not a lovely man

No one should have to put up with this sort of treatment, certainly not your mother and your children

Get rid of him now

Do not enable his behaviour by allowing it to continue

Fairislefandango · 17/07/2022 14:06

He does have a temper, yes. We walk on egg shells because he is always tired, always in pain with something. He isnt violent though. More destructive. Id say in 20 years he has gone mental and smashed things up maybe 5 times

Ffs. He is not a 'lovely bloke'. Somebody who has smashed things up 5 times is violent. Someone you have to walk on eggshells around is abusive. How low is your bar?! You cannot let your children learn that the right response to a partner screaming abuse at his family and smashing the house up is to stay with them. What your SIL has done is totally irrelevant. There is no excuse for your husband's behaviour. None.

wishmyhousetidy · 17/07/2022 14:07

Seriously i often find people ridiculous on this site for how easy they say Leave the Bastard, but in this case I cannot see any reason whilst you would live with someone like this, and it is totally unfair for your children. I had a dad like this who was an alcoholic and the tension around him and his moods was terrible. My mum was great and left him, despite the fact that we were left struggling financially. She made the right choice and you should too. Good luck

DeadbeatYoda · 17/07/2022 14:09

It is not normal to 'go mental and smash things up'. He is not a lovely bloke. He is violent. You are allowing your children to grow up thinking 'treading on eggshells' around a violent man is normal. Is that how you grew up? Is that why you have accepted such appalling behaviour?
Please wise up. Your children deserve better.

ticktickticktickBOOM · 17/07/2022 14:11

This is your opportunity to help your children understand that this is not appropriate behaviour. You need to sit them down once you feel calm and tell them that the way Dad behaved is not ok and that you are never going to let that happen again and that Dad needs to live somewhere else now so you can all have a calm and peaceful life.

There's no other way.

Your husband will have been drinking at the wedding and you could have another few days of this horrendous situation. You need to contact someone he is friends with at the wedding before they all get too drunk and explain the situation and that he must not return home to the house. If he comes back you must stand by your word and not let him in. Call the police is you need to. Seriously. Your children need to know that you are capable of protecting them from this ever happening again.

IncompleteSenten · 17/07/2022 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You what?

As bad?

A 70 year old woman having her son and Dil in her home for a meal when the man who also lives there doesn't want them in the home he shares with his wife and mother in law and the op not telling her no is as bad as...

Exploding at your wife, calling her a cunt, threatening to punch her in the face, swinging a heavy bag at her head, phoning her brother and screaming at him, storming off, threatening to hit your 70 year old mother in law, smashing a glass door, throwing a chair and generally going batcrap crazy
And following that up the following day with more anger and calling his mil a fat cunt.

Just so I'm clear. You actually think those two things are as bad as each other?