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Original poster

DH flipped. Feel broken

733 replies

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:35

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

OP posts:
Blablasheep · 17/07/2022 13:33

To point out the obvious, you knew allowing the visit to happen was wrong as you felt the need to hide it from him. I can see he might get upset about that, anyone would.

That being said, his reaction is completely extreme. He obviously has some serious issues with managing his behaviour and alcohol intake and how he reacted is appalling and unforgivable. Unless he gets professional help to sort himself out, I don't see how you can continue in that relationship and feel good about yourself. You need to think about your children and your own mental health.
Good luck!

Scianel · 17/07/2022 13:33

You didn't tell him because you knew he would kick off

I have never in fifteen years had to not tell DH something for fear he would "kick off". That's not normal.

Sweaty84 · 17/07/2022 13:33

@RosesAndHellebores What absolute rubbish. OP - please, please don't believe this.

What the DH did is a crime. Domestic violence (which this definitely is) is a crime.

Having your sister in law come is not a crime.

They are entirely different. Whatever you did - even if you'd been shagging someone in the marital bed - threatening your mother, abandoning your kids, hitting you with a bag of wet towels, threatening you, throwing a chair - all of it is completely unacceptable and actually would put him at risk of being found guilty in court.

Stop trolling @RosesAndHellebores This is OP's actual life. And your message is victim blaming nonsense and literally the last thing she needs to hear right now.

Sandra1984 · 17/07/2022 13:34

This reply has been deleted

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You make it sound like it’s the OP’s fault to have a psycho controlling abusive twit as a husband and she should stick to his orders as the contrary will anger him. No it’s not cool to put up with this violent twat, she needs to get rid off, not stick with his orders.

DuckBilledPlattyJoobs · 17/07/2022 13:34

No he is not a ‘lovely bloke’. I would contact the Police about his violence and get him removed from the house permanently.

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 17/07/2022 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

The "cause" of this was OP's mother inviting her son and daughter-in-law to her home when this violent, aggressive man wasn't even there.

The real cause was this violent, aggressive man's controlling and aggressive behaviour.

FabFitFifties · 17/07/2022 13:36

OP, you need to get your children, and mother, away from this man. This sort of behaviour escalates. Your children will be walking on egg shells. This is traumatising. Do not minimise his behaviour, just because he can be nice when he chooses. Have your children witnessed his "destruction" or the results, previously? This is very damaging. Are you happy for your mum to experience this at 75, 80? He can pull himself together to go to a wedding and keep up appearances. My blood is boiling.

ItWasPeculiarButBearable · 17/07/2022 13:36

This is not lovely man behaviour. Get rid or get out.

MMmomDD · 17/07/2022 13:36

You have three boys growing up with seeing their father drinking and smashing things, while also threatening people, including their 70yo grandmother. And their mother, while in their presence.
What do you think your boys will consider normal behaviour in a relationship?

‘Not violent, just destructive’. 5 times in 20 years is 5 times too many. Not sure why you didn’t call the police and reported him. And why you felt YOU needed to apologise.

You are living with a dangerous man. Who also thinks that he can control you and everybody around him.
His behaviour will never change unless he is forced to face consequences.

HailAdrian · 17/07/2022 13:36

I don't care how shitty your sister in law is, your DH is an even bigger prick. Fuck that shit.

Nahimjustaworm · 17/07/2022 13:36

Thinking it through I'm inclined to agree with pp's suspicions that he's had an affair with this woman... that or he's just a masdive mysoginistic wanker who feels contempt for all women.... The level of hatred he has towards SIl just doesn't make sense... Either way OP is best rid

bubblesbubbles11 · 17/07/2022 13:37

maybe I am being thick or maybe it has been explained and I missed it but I don't understand this bit "My brothers wife has cheated on him"
Did your brothers wife used to be in a relationship with your husband?

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 17/07/2022 13:42

bubblesbubbles11 · 17/07/2022 13:37

maybe I am being thick or maybe it has been explained and I missed it but I don't understand this bit "My brothers wife has cheated on him"
Did your brothers wife used to be in a relationship with your husband?

No, brother's wife cheated on brother with an unnamed, and irelevant third party.

Brother and mother have clearly forgiven her. It's none of this vile man's business.

Some posters are suspicious there might have been something between sister-in-law and this vile man. I'm in that group but of the view this vile man attempted something with sister-in- law but was rebuffed.

CrazyRatLover · 17/07/2022 13:42

I would be annoyed that you went behind my back with the planning of inviting someone over into the house that my husband despised but, the way he has behaved is dispicable, whether he's done it before or not. I would be separating for a while to see how you feel about your future with him. I know that I couldn't forgive something like this. X

Thisisit2022 · 17/07/2022 13:43

Nobody should live a life where they are "walking on eggshells".

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 17/07/2022 13:43

Nahimjustaworm · 17/07/2022 13:36

Thinking it through I'm inclined to agree with pp's suspicions that he's had an affair with this woman... that or he's just a masdive mysoginistic wanker who feels contempt for all women.... The level of hatred he has towards SIl just doesn't make sense... Either way OP is best rid

Not an affair. I think he tried it and was knocked back.

Staryflight445 · 17/07/2022 13:45

He behaved like that, shook up your 70 year old mum, upset your children and yet…. You’re the one apologising?

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 17/07/2022 13:46

CrazyRatLover · 17/07/2022 13:42

I would be annoyed that you went behind my back with the planning of inviting someone over into the house that my husband despised but, the way he has behaved is dispicable, whether he's done it before or not. I would be separating for a while to see how you feel about your future with him. I know that I couldn't forgive something like this. X

This wasn't some random person. It was the OP's brother and wife who were visiting their mother.

The husband has no reason to despise the sister-in-law. Her own husband has forgiven her. Sister-in-law has apparently cleaned up an opiate addiction. Any sane, normal person would be pleased she had been able to do so- not despise her.

KettrickenSmiled · 17/07/2022 13:47

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:45

He does have a temper, yes. We walk on egg shells because he is always tired, always in pain with something. He isnt violent though. More destructive. Id say in 20 years he has gone mental and smashed things up maybe 5 times

Alcohol made it worse.

So why are you selling yourself the notion that "He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character"?

He's far from lovely, & this behaviour is very much in character, just more extreme than usual. You need to call the police, get an incident number, listen to what they tell you & follow their advice - & see a divorce solicitor.
It is NOT OK for your children to live like this, walking on eggshells & waiting for the next explosion.

My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace,
WTF?
If your mum wanted to see her son & DiL, she could have gone to theirs, or got picked up by them on the corner, or met somewhere else.
You need to stop doing what other people expect of you, & start acting purely for yourself & the DC. It was obvious this visit would come to light, & sneaky of you (no matter how irrational this ban of SiL is, you had agreed to it) to go behind H's back.
However - none of that excuses him.
He needs to be gone, or you & the DC need to go & stay elsewhere while the police & a solicitor advise you about next steps.
Also - contact WA for advice & support - www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 17/07/2022 13:47

He sounds like my Dad was when we were kids. I'm 52 and I still haven't forgiven him for all that crap.

Folklore9074 · 17/07/2022 13:48

He called you a cunt and physically assaulted you and your mum? In front of your kids? And he’s a ‘lovely bloke’. Give your head a wobble.

Granted if my partner invited someone I hated to my house, thinking it would be fine because I wasn’t there I’d be annoyed. Note annoyed though, not violent or abusive.

The behaviour that follows from him isn’t normal, you do know that right? And nothing justifies it.

He’s not even sorry really is he? Not sure what you want from this thread but if it’s permission to leave, you certainly have it.

Sandra1984 · 17/07/2022 13:49

Nahimjustaworm · 17/07/2022 13:36

Thinking it through I'm inclined to agree with pp's suspicions that he's had an affair with this woman... that or he's just a masdive mysoginistic wanker who feels contempt for all women.... The level of hatred he has towards SIl just doesn't make sense... Either way OP is best rid

I'm inclined to think "lovely husband" had "something" with SIL and she dumped his sorry ass, that level of hatred towards a woman who cheated on another man (who is not even your brother) is very suspicious. This is the reaction of a man who is deeply hurted and not because she cheated on his much hated BIL or stole some pills from his "cunt MIL".

FreudayNight · 17/07/2022 13:50

all sounds really really odd to me.
he simultaneously hates SIL because she stole pills from your Mum, whom he also hates for being a fat cunt.

Not buying it at all, his excuse isn’t coherent.

BellePeppa · 17/07/2022 13:50

Christ if he’s your idea of a lovely bloke you really don’t stand a chance do you! You’re letting your children down by being with him, staying with him and thinking he’s actually a ‘good bloke’ I despair at women sometimes.

FreudayNight · 17/07/2022 13:51

… and just realised there are another ten pages of people saying the same thing.