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Original poster

DH flipped. Feel broken

733 replies

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:35

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

OP posts:
Nahimjustaworm · 17/07/2022 13:19

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He is abusive. He was verbally and physically violent and highly intimidating to OP in front of their young kids. He was likewise to her mum. Neither of these women (interesting that) were actually involved in his alleged aggreivances with the sister in law. There is literally NOTHING that makes this excusable. The saddest thing is that he's done this over something that sounds as if it's really none of his business. I can hand on heart say that there is nothing that would make my dh or any of the other men in my family behave like this. It isn't normal behaviour and isn't safe to tolerate whatever the trigger

TooHotToTangoToo · 17/07/2022 13:19

Why the hell are you apologising to him. He should be grovelling to you and your mum.

The op should have told her dh about the visit but his reaction was so extreme. The crime doesn't fit his reaction at all!

I think your Mum and you should have reported him to the police tbh

GelatoQueen · 17/07/2022 13:20

OP you need to leave before the toxic environment you've described affects your children more than it already has. End of story. There are people who can help you. Please get some help - your relationship is abusive.

StClare101 · 17/07/2022 13:20

My money is on that you stay, which is very sad. You are exposing your kids to domestic violence and this trauma will stay with them for a long time. He has a history of being destructive… I’d be changing the locks while he was gone and speaking to the police. But my money is on that you stay.

greatblueheron · 17/07/2022 13:21

He's not lovely.

He's violent. He hasn't hit you yet ... just threats, shouting, and putting holes in other things, abandoning his wife and children in shocking levels of heat, threatening a 70 year old woman and calling her nasty names.

He's not lovely.

And you're living on eggshells to not set him off.

He's not lovely.

If you won't leave for you and your poor mom, leave for your chlidren! They deserve to live in a safe home, not tiptoeing around a violent, loud, aggressive man.

S0upertrooper · 17/07/2022 13:22

I may be way off the mark here but I can't understand why your husband hates your SIL so much. You say she had an affair, I wonder if SIL and husband have had an affair and he's pissed off she slept with someone else or just hates her because he slept with her. I've seen this before, intense dislike for someone they regretted sleeping with.

I'll not comment on his behaviour, it's all been said.

Sweaty84 · 17/07/2022 13:22

"I tread on eggshells because he's always tired".

So basically you have to be very careful around him at all times - and this weekend he has shown you what he's capable of you if you aren't careful, if don't obey him.

Just what he did to your mum is reason enough to leave - but also those poor poor kids. You a victim of domestic abuse, please believe it.

You sound like you're doing an amazing job of trying to reassure the kids, but really the only thing you can do to keep them safe, and to repair the damage is to leave.

Leaving is often the most dangerous part of an abusive relationship. He will not accept it, as I'm sure you know. So you need to think carefully about your next step.

You could call the police. Or Refuge. Do you have a close friend you could have come round to stay with you?

I was in an abusive relationship and ended up leaving, and then started working for a refuge. I know about abuse. And this it. I promise you - the best feeling in this world is when you are free from it. You can live the life you want where you can have your whatever family you want round, you can stay in whatever hotel you want, you can take the kids on weekends away, you can do whatever you want without him.

Please believe in yourself, another type of life is possible.

lamaze1 · 17/07/2022 13:22

If there was an agreement she wasn't to go in house then you were wrong to go behind his back. HOWEVER, his reaction was extreme and completely unacceptable. Also, it's totally not ok for you to downplay this to your kids. Do you want them to learn this is ok behaviour that they themselves should either copy or accept in future relationships?

Campervangirl · 17/07/2022 13:22

I'm not usually in the LTB camp as it's not always as easy as that but this time I've got both feet in the LTB camp.
If I were you I'd report him to the police not only for his threatening, abusive behaviour yesterday but I'd be worried what is going to happen when he gets back from the wedding.
If he's drinking all day and people are asking him uncomfortable questions about why you are not there, is he going to be stewing all day, mixed with alcohol and get angrier and ready to take it out on you when he gets home?
On a side note anyone who threatened my dm and called her a cunt wouldn't be living with me and that's aside from the name calling, trying to hit you in front of your DC and ruining your trip.
The fact that you all walk on eggshells is a huge red flag.
He is not a lovely bloke.
Do the right thing op and protect yourself, your DC and dm

TimBoothseyes · 17/07/2022 13:23

If you stay your boys will see his behaviour as an acceptable way to treat women. Is that what you really want for them?
On a side note, his behaviour towards your SiL has got me thinking, do you know who she had affairs with? Maybe I'm projecting, but it wouldn't surprise me one little bit if your "lovely" husband may have been involved.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 17/07/2022 13:24

I think your DH has had a fling with your brothers wife. He's concerned she's going to spill the beans.

timeisnotaline · 17/07/2022 13:24

AlisonDonut · 17/07/2022 11:41

Quite a drip feed that!

Perhaps he thinks that she is going to also steal from you all whilst you are out.

Show quote history

No drip feed. Doesn’t change a thing. This woman cheated on the ops brother? Well the ops Dh has shouted at and threatened to punch both the op and her 70yo mum, separately. We all know who the asshole is here and he doesn’t get to judge ANYONE.

RosesAndHellebores · 17/07/2022 13:25

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dworky · 17/07/2022 13:26

You are absolutely delusional, your husband is an abusive prick. No matter how angry, it's totally unacceptable for anyone to act like that.
Time to face facts & leave him.

greatblueheron · 17/07/2022 13:26

I'm still flagbbergasted that you started following him around apologising to him! HE's THE ONE THAT BEHAVED VIOLENTLY AND ABUSIVELY!

Ohmydayssilleople · 17/07/2022 13:28

If anyone called my darling Mum a cunt either too her or about her I would absolutely never forgive.
What a vile man …cannot believe that he is normally a ‘ lovely’ guy .
Also how do you feel about the fact that your children witnessed this ugly scene?
Sorry but need to boot him out for everyone’s sake !

ThreeLittleDots · 17/07/2022 13:28

However the cause of it was as bad

It fucking wasn't. Wind your neck in.

L0bstersLass · 17/07/2022 13:28

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:45

He does have a temper, yes. We walk on egg shells because he is always tired, always in pain with something. He isnt violent though. More destructive. Id say in 20 years he has gone mental and smashed things up maybe 5 times

Alcohol made it worse.

Do not show your boys that it's ok to behave towards women in this manner.
Do not spend your life walking on eggshells.
Nothing excuses his behaviour.
Why would you expose yourself, your mother and your boys to someone that can lose control like this?
He is dangerous.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 17/07/2022 13:29

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:45

He does have a temper, yes. We walk on egg shells because he is always tired, always in pain with something. He isnt violent though. More destructive. Id say in 20 years he has gone mental and smashed things up maybe 5 times

Alcohol made it worse.

You say he’s a lovely man, but he ‘goes me tal and smashes stuff up’ amd has done this at least 5 times in your marriage! Has he ever done it at work or is he able to control himself there? Have you ever done this? Lovely people do not act like this!

Ypu don’t need to forgive and forget. You need to get yourself and your poor, poor children who are going to be traumatised by his behaviour yesterday away from this awful violent man.

Tiredmum100 · 17/07/2022 13:31

What exactly were you trying to say sorry for? Sorry, but you need to protect your children from a violent and abusive man.

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 17/07/2022 13:31

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 17/07/2022 13:24

I think your DH has had a fling with your brothers wife. He's concerned she's going to spill the beans.

I'm thinking similar- but not a fling. I'd put money on this vile man having tried something on with sister-in-law and been rejected. Sister-in-law has kept quiet because she knows the damage telling about it would do.

His stance is so irrational. The OP's brother was the one most affected and he has forgiven his wife.

Addiction to opiates is terrible and life -destroying. Any normal, decent person would be happy sister-in-law pulled through it.

Scianel · 17/07/2022 13:31

You need to accept your choice of actions was the trigger for your children being upset and missing out. He should take responsibility for his behaviour and you should take responsibility for yours

Absolute bullshit. Worst take of the thread.
If you're annoyed about something your spouse does, you have a discussion like an adult. You don't go off on an hours-long drunken violent temper tantrum.
Plus what is it to him what the SIL did, it wasn't done to him. He's a judgemental prick to boot.

Cherryblossoms85 · 17/07/2022 13:32

A lovely bloke? In hell maybe.

AHamSandwich · 17/07/2022 13:32

teaorcoffee6 · 17/07/2022 11:51

It's his house to and she's not welcome in it. You should not have let her come over without prior conversation with him.
His reaction was bad but we don't know the backstory as to why he hates your brothers wife so much.
It's not a nice thought that someone you hate is in your home enjoying themselves while you are not there.

Nothing at all could excuse a man threatening to beat his wife up in front of their children, storming back home (in half the time op could drive it too which makes it sound like he's drunk driven or got someone to speed) being abusive to a 70 year woman and then smashing things in the house up.

My dh doesn't like my sisters husband because he cheated and is a right cunt with her, neither of us talk to him but if my mother was staying at my home while we were away and invited my sister and him round after she had asked me, he'd be pissed off yes but going on like this and throwing things at my head, threatening my mother and scaring his children? Nope, he'd be gone.

It's OPs home too.

Dreamwhisper · 17/07/2022 13:32

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:40

He had been drinking, yeah

My brothers wife has cheated on him, causing a lot of trauma in the family. she also stole painkillers from my mum to feed an addiction she had. He just cant stand her

I know it's all subjective but based on this, his behaviour is an insane fucking over reaction. If she had run over and killed his best friend or something I could maybe see why he would lose control.

Are you really sure this is out of character? If my partner had threatened to "punch me in the face" I would be shipping him to the hospital assuming he had had a stroke or other brain injury. That's how far out of character it would be.

I literally can't imagine someone having such a drastic personality change over something like this. Calling you those names, threatening to hit you and an elderly woman, it's all very very unsavoury behaviour.

And given that the children have witnessed all this, I'm afraid he has forced your hand. What choice could you have left but to leave him now?