Ds11 stolen hundreds from me

[Workinghardeveryday]

I don’t even know where to start.

he actually is a lovely boy, very loving, caring, helpful. My friends always commenting how sweet and kind he is.

I worked out a few months ago he tells lies. Just silly little lies but I explained how it makes me feel, how wrong lying is and how it makes the other person feel etc.

today he went to the park to play, saw someone from school who had a penknife (!) played with it, lied about it.

it’s the lies that bug me, so extravagant.

we talked to him about lying again. He promised he would never do it again.

there has been money going missing for a while. I then asked, ‘have you been steeling mummy’s money?’. He started crying and said yes. Turns out it’s about £400 I think. Spent on PlayStation vouchers, sweets and drinks for him and his friends. Been going on for months.

I am so disappointed and angry.

what would you do?

Ah we are all disappointed at some point maybe you need some pointers on how to manage your disappointment? The first cut is the deepest, especially if this has rattled your so far content existence where your children are known to be good. Use this as practice for the teenage growth monster.

I work with children as young as 12 in county lines I’m sure there are younger and what @AllNightDiner said is true. Not saying this is happening here but you haven’t mentioned how you supervised his social media or how you talked to him about his content previous to this.

@Workinghardeveryday Yes you need to come down on him like a ton of bricks but you also need to let him know that you can recover from this and it won’t always be a stain on your relationship.

Guilt and shame is what keeps people stuck. I would suggest trying to spend more time with him away away from the mundane normal life to see if you can work out what going on in his head. I don’t mean treat days out. I mean a walk or a milkshake away from the other kids etc.

To me, it sounds like he got out of his depth with this friendship and didn't know how to stop things. He's probably relieved that it's out in the open and he has owned up to you which is an absolute positive.

Yes, there needs to be consequences, absolutely, but there also needs to be conversations about friendships, what to do if he's uncomfortable with someone, if he's being pressured. Also about choices and their consequences, good or bad.

Don't withhold love, he needs it more than ever right now. He needs to know that it's his actions that were bad, not that he is.

He does need channeling into something constructive that's not screen based. Group activities mean he'll make friends out of school. Keep him talking, keep supporting whilst he finds a way to pay back the money. Have very clear boundaries and keep him away from the park, keep him supervised. At this age, you can very much turn things around.

I say this as a mum of 4 who are now adults. I was considered fairly strict, but in reality I just had very clear boundaries.

@Iwonder08 he’s not even an early teen.

You're not a shit parent. But you an ineffectual parent.

You're not doing anything. Kids need to be raised. They need input from you. They need you to enforce boundaries and remove dangerous situations. They dont need you to be the friend they chat with, which is how you're treating them. They need you to actually parent.

You found out he was watching videos about guns and knives and you did.... nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm not going to kick you when you're down so I'll just say that was a mistake and leave it at that.

To be blunt, he doesnt give a shit how you feel. He's becoming a teenager soon. Generally, they are selfish and dont actually care all that much if you're a bit upset because it will pass. They'll get what they want etc. Your plan to just deal with this by chatting is ineffectual. Your parenting is not working.

Why has he still go hos playstation? He stole from you and bought games. Why does he still have access to YouTube and his phone? He is becoming obsessed with videos about violence.

You are failing him. He is going to get worse and worse. You are his parent. Start acting like you are.

Remove his tech. Remove it. He doesnt earn it back. It is just gone. You can return it in a few months if you see a change in attitude.

Start having him do chores simply because he is part of the family and should be doing them anyway. It isn't how he pays back the money. It's just chores which an 11 year old should be doing every week. He lives in the house. He does chores. It is really so important for boy especially to learn that they just contribute to the upkeep of the home without reward. it is just something he needs to do. Start parenting him

@beautyisthefaceisee - thank you. I was reading this with absolute horror. People are acting as if he is a psychopath in the making. The kid took some money, realised he got away with it and did it again. At 11 he probably hasn’t been exposed to money very much (his parents should be doing this from an early age) and has little idea of the value. I do not think it should be without consequence, but some of these suggestions are awful. He is 11, just finishing primary school ffs. Police intervention, Jesus Christ. Next you will be suggesting what they do in the US where the police arrest children and put them in pretend prison or those awful teenage behavioural camps. Neither of which work other than to create trauma.

I lied a lot growing up, although I didn’t steal. I lied because I had so little control over my life it was my way of gaining control. I also did what ever I could to avoid my parents draconian punishments. I remember the over the top punishments but memory of why I was being punished, and all it’s done is cause a lot of resentment towards my parents, I moved away and hardly see them. I don’t lie now, I was just a desperately sad kid trying to navigate the world and before anyone jumps on me for being “that family” me and my siblings all have respectable careers/degrees etc as do my parents.

By the way my husband had an obsession with reading about knives and guns growing up. Still does. He is an amateur military historian now.

Talk to your kid, find out what is going on. Don’t be judgemental. Get him counselling if necessary. Will do more for him in the long run.

You seriously need to step your parenting up, OP.

Stop leaving money lying around, letting your DC have unfiltered access to the internet and spending hours on a bloody playstation. He's 11, not 18.............
Lazy parenting = off the rail kids. You think this is trouble.... wait until puberty kicks in. Kids need boundaries to feel confident and secure - trying using some.

Sorry OP this is hard. But I do agree with Badger above, you need to be more active a parent and restrict what he can access online etc.
WOrk on your boundaries with him and seek help for this if its something you find hard.
Its not very fair to be so disappointed with him when you havent been checking/monitoring what he is looking at.

To some degree, I was like your son. I never stole money, but did take stuff from peoples houses - a pair of dolls shoes, a small (empty) purse and - for some unknown reason - a broken tie pin. I can’t explain why I behaved that way and I was never caught or challenged. It was a phase I went through at the same age as your son, but unlike me, it sounds like he was under pressure to steal and, in the nicest possible way, I would suggest that he needs your support now that it’s out in the open. We all do things we regret and while you are disappointed in his behaviour, he’s still only a child and has a lot to learn. Please don’t let this tarnish your relationship with him.

@Badger1970
come on, you don’t know me or the way our family works.

my dd16 has an attitude but has never stolen a penny from me or anyone else.

the money was at the back of a draw hidden, the kids weren’t aware it was there so he must have come across it looking for something. It’s a draw with paperwork in, household bills etc.

the PlayStation he hasn’t been on for over a week and he hardly goes on it these days anyway, so taking it away wouldn’t bother him.

how am I not parenting please? He had no tech last night and stayed in his room, I didn’t see him. How is that getting away with it?

OP, some posters are being really harsh on you and your son. Try not to act in anger but dissociate your feelings as much as you can from the appropriate response though it’s understandable and commendable you take this so seriously.

Many children are amoral and opportunist/keen for instant gratification. It doesn’t mean they are psychopaths or going to grow up to be thugs.

I would suggest:

1. Thank him for being honest with you


2. make it clear how disappointed you are - this is money that was for you/his sister and that has a consequence on you


3. as others have said, give him a way to make up for it over a defined period of time (chores etc.) with some input from him (monitoring this will take some effort from you but sounds like you’re willing)


4. if and when he’s taken the punishment (and bear in mind he may act out at some point if it is over a few months - he is on 11 after all) draw a line under it


5. afterwards, do not continue to reference it or make it sound as though he’s got a permanent character trait for stealing/being dishonest (this could reinforce in his head that this is just ‘who he is’ - important to reinforce the opposite “I know this is NOT who you are/want to be”)

Then the knives/guns interest i would keep a close watch on but doesn’t sound connected/like anything out of the ordinary at this stage.

He's not a lovely child at all and I think you need to seek professional advice now.

*haven’t seen or spoken to him since I found out, so he has hardly got away with it has he.

I don’t know what to do yet. Dp put him to bed, he usually comes down for a cuddle before bed but I said to tell him I didn’t want one as upset with him*
But withdrawing froim him wont help him
You need to talk and listen more not less
Read
"How to talk so kids will listen" book
Dont allow him to stay in his room until he can be trusted
Get some professional advice family therapist

Use this as an opportunity for education and steering him in the right direction.

I would be so angry if one of my DC’s did this. I have a teen who is on the spectrum, she does take things, I do have to lock things away but she doesn’t show any remorse, doesn’t understand it’s wrong as such, I still punish her even though often it doesn’t work.

I would be taking away the PlayStation, possibly sell it to get back the money he has taken. Then I would start giving him pocket money in return for a few jobs, he can then save up to replace the PlayStation, maybe then he will realise that money needs to be earned and doesn’t grow on trees.

I would also be keeping a close eye on what he’s watching on YouTube, the obsession with guns and knifes is worrying. I did have a knife when I was his age but used it for bush craft and foraging, I didn’t carry it around with me whilst out with mates (unless in the woods). I do believe some obsessions can be channelled into something good but I do worry about guns despite knowing several people that shoot as a hobby. Is he obsessed because of shooting games in the PlayStation? If so I think this is another good reason to remove it, find him some better activities or clubs to go too.

OP teacher here, you are not a shit parent - you are being too nice with him though. I see this a lot with boys. You need to be the leader of the pack here. Get harsh. I would ban him from going out, make him have the summer only at home, sell some things until its £400 earned back (chores won't cut it)
As a child who was naughty at school, when my mum finally stopped trying to get to the bottom of it , and talking to me like an adult and just snapped and punished me with grounding, weekends and evenings at home, and only being with my family, I was so relieved. It finally gave me a reason to say to people why I couldn't go out, it made her the 'baddie' that I could blame. But I finally felt glad to have a break and cut the ties with the naughty behaviour. Lots of the students I work with now say the same. Parenting has gone down the route of expecting teenagers to be mini adults. They are not, their brains are totally different. Take harsh control, enlist school if appropriate although the summer gives you the perfect opportunity. 6 weeks of only being home won't kill him. No YouTube, no PlayStation. No phone, Jobs, family, books, telly, projects. Don't crack and feel sorry for him after a week, if he's charming, he will be able to make you feel like he is reformed quickly. Stick with the 6 weeks. Fwiw, a friend had to do this with her daughter to crack a phone and Internet addiction that was affecting her mental health. It was tough as the whole family lived without Internet for the 6 weeks holiday but it did reset her.
After thr 6 weeks, redraw the family rules to get a tighter hold of him once September comes.

Your son sounds like the friend was a hopeful and welcome addition to his life only to become an awful trap. Its good they will soon be in different places. Have sympathy as loneliness is awful and at 11, struggling to make friends is hard.
I'd be listening and talking to him. Knives and guns can be glamorous online, everyone listens to the person with the gun, they are strong and have control, you can kind of see the appeal to someone who is feeling overlooked. Can you help him find his tribe, hobbies where he might find people drawn to him for the right reasons?
I'd also spend some time with him talking about the other side of guns and knives, the kind of people who like to have them in their lives and where that can go, the devastation if they're used in reality. An Internet exploration together in a non judgemental way. It's great a pp knew someone for whom it became a military history interest and that's great, but the street side of it is different and he needs to know. If he decides he'd like to have one in his pocket it could be a way for someone to get a hold over him and manipulate him into things he doesn't want but doesn't know how to get out of.
He sounds a bit vulnerable to manipulation.
The lying is dreadful for you, he needs to experience it as a lack of trust and what that means. My son did it a bit over homework so now he has to show us everything, we're just in the process of dialing that down as the message seems to have got home and our goal as he knows was always to give him a chance to earn the trust back once he'd lost it and what that loss did to how we did things. He knows its not taken for granted and he wants it back.
The money sounds strongly connected to this 'friend' I'd talk to him and make him work over the summer to pay it off.
Don't write him off yet, sounds like he's young for his years and struggling socially, help him. Show him the path he needs to take, help give him the circumstances for that to be the choice he makes if you can (bad influences out, opportunities for friends in) , show him his life if he keeps going, fair consequences and firm boundaries.
Good luck, you'll have your heart in your mouth for the next few years waiting to see if how you handle this can affect the outcome and its not a feeling you can escape instantly. Keep your poise and hold on for the ride.
I'm in a similar situation though different profile. Mine is low self esteem in my dd caused by social issues, the way that's coming out in mine is social thoughts, I'm walking the path I believe is right but mentally buckling in for the teenage years whilst simultaneously hoping for the best (or I'd be out of my mind) Xx

Social thoughts =social issues

scotscorner

some posters actually scare me

I hope they don’t work in education , healthcare, childcare , sen or mental health setting

sweet Jesus

Ffs suicidal thoughts. Duh

My last post is confusing. It should say no phone. Instead he does jobs, family, reads books watches telly and does projects

First time ever I am replying without rtft but can I just put it out there that one of my kids when he was the same age was stressed out and lonely and figured out a way to spend money on a computer game without my approval ( this was not recent - penguin club if anyone remembers that) - and spend hundreds without thinking about it before I caught on.
He is now a very well respected economist working for the treasury. Not all hope is lost!
I would be more concerned about the friend with the penknife - I wouldn't be encouraging that friendship.
Biggest problem to me though is the interest in guns and knives. Drop youtube back to "youtube kids" which will annoy him and you will still have to watch him but should cut out a lot of stuff.
Good luck!

Crikey OP, sounds really tough. All you can do is speak to him and try to get to the bottom of it all. Good luck

Great advice by @scotscorner and others.

if you haven’t spoken to him yet please do. And give him a hug. He’s been stupid but he’s not bad and is still a child making sense of the world.

1. Why did the money go missing for such a period without you realising?

2. What controls are on his devices?