Ds11 stolen hundreds from me

[Workinghardeveryday]

I don’t even know where to start.

he actually is a lovely boy, very loving, caring, helpful. My friends always commenting how sweet and kind he is.

I worked out a few months ago he tells lies. Just silly little lies but I explained how it makes me feel, how wrong lying is and how it makes the other person feel etc.

today he went to the park to play, saw someone from school who had a penknife (!) played with it, lied about it.

it’s the lies that bug me, so extravagant.

we talked to him about lying again. He promised he would never do it again.

there has been money going missing for a while. I then asked, ‘have you been steeling mummy’s money?’. He started crying and said yes. Turns out it’s about £400 I think. Spent on PlayStation vouchers, sweets and drinks for him and his friends. Been going on for months.

I am so disappointed and angry.

what would you do?

He needs to be kept away from this 'friend'. The school should be able to accommodate this if you tell them what has been going on. School could also give him some pastoral support in terms of helping him fit in and develop healthy friendships.

Even if his friend has been putting him up to stealing/bullying another child, your son still needs suitable consequences. He hasn't just been a little bit naughty. He stole from you. That is a crime he has committed. He made the decision to do it.

11 yr olds don’t need money FFS! They have no responsibilities to pay for. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I would still cuddle him and keep my relationship with him but I would be sure that while I still really love him I don't live what he's done and that's what has to change.

If you keep him at a distance he is more likely to escalate what he does.

I would not be happy with the YouTube history and would massively limit his phone for now. He's year 6 and you can say phone only when you're in the room for now.

He’s young, you have influence.

You can still be a parent that changes the situation rather than write him off like this.

How did he get access to that much money in the first place? You need to come down on him hard lying about knifes and stealing that much money needs serious consequences otherwise he'll get worse.

Please don’t withhold cuddles from a child because you are angry, he needs to know that you are annoyed, know he’s done wrong and know there are consequences but that you still love him.

If he is lonely and has been bullied by this other boy he needs you more than ever, no matter how disappointed you are right now.

And tighten up on his internet access, he’s 11, you should know what he’s watching and what he’s spending on his PlayStation. Do you check his phone regularly?

My DS (ADHD so impulsive) did similar to buy vbucks on fortnite. We sold his Nintendo Switch to get some money back and took away his allowance until the rest was paid off. We also started him on ADHD medication as he clearly needed help to manage the symptoms. He had been diagnosed 6 years previous but we chose not to medicate.

Be careful. He told you the truth about the money after the lying.

I would say that you aren’t going to punish him because he was honest and told you the truth and you are proud of him for doing that, however obviously he has to pay the money back. So he will need to earn the money by doing chores etc! Have a calm conversation about stealing and it being wrong, prison , hurting others etc.

Be very careful how you phrase it, or all he will have learnt it that he needs to lie more and never own up as it will get him into deeper trouble.

I think he needs praising for telling the truth if he normally lies.

Understand why, did he want to fit in and issued with older kids?

He definitely needs to work off this debt and I would write it on some paper and take money away after chores. Do it like the bank would so it’s a lesson on debt at the same time.

Please still encourage him that you love him but not his behaviour right now.

If he’s obsessed with guns etc. i would sign him up once his debt is cleared for a gun shooting lesson. He’s going to be obsessed regardless but teaching him the right and correct ways to handle guns and knifes might be a good idea. They tend to drill in respect for these

so today do I stay calm and ask about his feelings etc? Surely if I am ‘nice’ he just sees me as a pushover and apart fr more chores, he has basically got away with it?

You stay calm, you say you understand he was under pressure from this boy. But you will help him to get out of his grip so that he can return to being the nice honest boy that he normally is, who knows it’s wrong to lie and steal. You need to be understanding but set firm boundaries around this boy.
It sounds like your ds will be relieved to work with you.

This is exactly what I came on to say. The stealling is a worry but the mention of a knife (that you are assuming was a penknife) is a total red flag. If he's been hanging out in the park with a friend who has a knife, there's every possibility they're both in a child criminal exploitation situation and you need to wake up fast. If the friend is autistic, he may well have been the original victim and your son recruited via him. Do some reading about CCE, teen-on-teen knife crime and county lines. MN is incredibly naive about this increasingly common phenomenon. Involve the police and ask them about the profile of CL and CCE in your area (you will be shocked). And for the love of god, talk to your son about all of this. I haven't seen your other threads but you need to be ready to put your DCs ahead of whatever is going on with your DP if necessary. Good luck.

I’d take the PlayStation or sell it, and I’d make him do jobs to pay it back. Tell him any money / valuable will be locked away as he can’t be trusted. He needs to earn back that trust.

The Youtube history and the fact that you don't seem to understand his internet activity or spending jumped out at me here. My 13 year old still isn't allowed to bring her phone upstairs to her bedroom with her, nor is my 11 year old, of course. The games consoles live downstairs too.

You need to keep very close track of what your child is doing online - this is your job just as much as it is to keep track of what he does OFF line. He can't be joining Discord channels or subreddits without your permission etc, or downloadin apps you haven't vetted. If you can't do that effectively then you have no business letting him have a phone. You HAVE to know how to do that.

I would even consider some sessions with a professional at this point to address the guns/knives fixation - that's incredibly serious.

It sounds like he is very much under the influence of this other boy, who has a less finely developed sense of boundaries and behaviour. Are they both going to he same secondary in September? This will be a good break point, but you need to address the guns/knives thing before he finds himself choosing from a whole new variety of friends.

Is he about to start secondary? Will he get away from this boy? If he is and they will go to the same one I'd be getting in touch with them before the holidays to explain the situation, so they can try and keep them in separate classes and know to keep an eye on things.
I would think of the summer holidays as a chance for repayment and rebuilding your relationship. Initially go down hard emotionally and with punishment. Take away the PlayStation, phone, Ipad etc. As far as access to anything, treat him like he is 5. A couple of hours of jobs to do a day before free time, weekends off. Emotionally talk to him about he's life ambitions then point out that a lot of things will be harder with a criminal record. Tell him that your worries and give him a chance to try and understand himself why he has done it. Also talk about the knives etc, there must be things you can watch etc together about knife in crime and the results. Find news stories of children his age killed by guns and knives. Then let him play ( not with friends without supervision) and still enjoy his summer like he is 11.

Do you know EXACTLY where the money has gone? I echo the posts above by @AllNightDiner and @BlueMumDays - you have an opportunity now, before secondary, to investigate this very closely and take steps. Don't let it slip by.

Being nice doesn’t mean you are a pushover, does carrot and stick ever work long term? Your boy needs to know he has done the right thing admitting he stole the money and he has told you what is happening at school. He is 11 he needs guidance and boundaries.

He doesn’t need to learn a lesson that it’s better not to get caught or lie. I know you never dreamed he would take the money but do you think you have set and managed boundaries on his social media, if so you should have noticed a change earlier. An 11 year old can’t hold all the responsibility, they are still growing and learning.

No, they are going to different schools, other boy is going to a special needs school.

when everyone gets up I will talk to him. I will tell him how upset I am and how it has made me feel. I will then look into his feelings and try to get to the bottom of why he has done it.

just so disappointed, it’s like I don’t even know my own son

It's very difficult to walk this one.

I think it harder that you found out through himfinally being honest so that deserves some credit. Also, do you lie? Does he know you lie? I know so many parents who lie all the time (excuses of why they can't do something, taking child out if school but claiming illness etc etc) and then expect honest from their kids which is very odd.

If you come down on him like a ton of bricks now he's going to wish he'd carried on lying - which is NOT the lesson you want to teach.

You need to have an end goal in mind. What do I want him to learn? How is that best achieved?

1. Honesty is very important and the best way to handle life
2. You can't steal

This is going to involve a lot of chats. I would also perhaps involve a Doctor, maybe with looking at a diagnosis for him as I wouldn't say this is normal for his age.

I completely agree with this. I have an 11 year old who is interested in weapons and military and his penknife is one of his most treasured possessions, he's a keen scout.
He's still young, at this point he's maturing physically far quicker than he is mentally.

I absolutely think this behaviour should have consequences, but he needs supporting through this with love and understanding.

If it was my child I would seek professional help. Obsession with guns and nives, stealing continuously (clearly not one off), lying, crying to get his way out of punishment is not common and can't be just explained by normal early teen being a bit naughty.

Honesty is very important but so are consequences.

I would definitely remove the PlayStation. I would take it somewhere out of the house.

I would set up a payment plan to repay, starting with his sister and then you.

I would invite his friend to have some days out together, or spend time at your house. I don't recommend restricting a friendship, but I would keep them close, if that makes sense.

Good luck. His behaviour indicates that he has some needs, perhaps some financial independence, but he is old enough to understand that this is not how a person gains that. I would not minimize how much this has impacted upon you, and there will be consequences, discussed together, until all parties are satisfied.

still not addressing watching youtube videos of knives and guns he shouldnt have access if hes going to watch that sort of thing

And this! Take away screens

Jesus, the hysteria on this thread! Yes, what he's done is awful, but child psychologist, cadets?? He's 11 and knows right from wrong but all of us are open to temptation. Let's not jump to conclusions that he's a psychopath! And crying when caught, totally normal at that age, not necessarily a sign of emotional deficiency Punish as appropriate and hopefully he'll have learnt his lesson!

Please don’t take him to the doctor. This isn’t a medical issue, and you’ll just be looking for excuses for his behaviour. This is something that you need to address through behaviour management, sanctions, talking and, if you think it’s appropriate, counselling (which has a v long waiting list on the nhs).