How can I deal with the sadness

[Eventhedogissad]

My husband of 21 years has decided to leave. I'm sure there's an affair, but he's denying it. But I know the script.

We have two daughters at home, age 18 and 16. I'm 53. I thought we'd grow old together, so I'm absolutely devastated.

The DDs are both extremely upset, and I'm trying to put on a brave face for them. But this is the saddest I have felt in my entire life. I thought things were okay. We weren't loves young dream, but we were happy. Or so I thought.

How can get over the sadness for a future lost and a past that's he's rewritten? I can't stop crying. I know I need to focus on me and my girls, but I am just so sad.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

How about don't get sad get angry? If you have access to joint accounts transfer the money to you, get copies of bank statements, saving and or ask him for copies of his pension forecast. You could go straight in with a solicitors letter asking him to submit copues of all his financial affairs (although gather what you can)

Suggest you will need to keep the family home until all children have finished uni and moved out.

Ask him what he proposes to keep paying towards the home/uni costs

Try to be cool and level headed while making him see his retirement is about to get a whole lot poorer.

Hi @Eventhedogissad I am really sorry you’re going through this 😔 it sounds really hard.

I have dc who are 16, 18 and 20 and am also 53. I have been divorced for about 4 years now but my ex husband had been emotionally abusive for years so my situation is different. All I would say is that though it takes time, you do get used to the new reality.

I hope other posters come along soon. I would take everything minute by minute if you can rather than think about the bigger picture and try to look after yourself. Is your husband still in the house? Can members of your own family come and stay to support you?

Sorry you're going through this op.

Maybe not much use right now but, in 10 years time you'll probably be happy he went out the door. Because often, women spend their lives running around after men...especially when they get older.

Hopefully this can be a fresh start to a new adventure for you too.

Once you get over the hard stuff, I'm sure life will only get better for you. He was a big phony anyway, who needs that bs in their life!

Just be kind to yourself op.
Speak to a solicitor too.
You deserved better and you've many years left to find it. Be that in the form of another man or just another route to happiness. This sadness will pass and you'll be free to reinvent yourself and your life, with only good people in it.

I am so sorry to hear this. I am 56 and going through a divorce right now - my situation slightly different as I lived with a controlling abusive man and I just got used to it. I have a 21 and 18 year old.

Even though I know it was right to let him go I appreciate the sadness. You are going through a grieving process for the life you thought you would have.

I hope that you are your daughters can support each other - he will surely keep in contact with them?

I also agree with contacting a solicitor regarding finances etc. I know you won't feel up to it but you have to protect your rights. Also, I found that going to counselling helped me. My work actually offered counselling which I still attend.

It is very early days so please be kind to yourself - he will need to let you know what his plans are.

Sending hugs

This.

If there's an OW on the scene there's a high probability he will want to come back to you after a time. If you want him back that is.

@Eventhedogissad

I'm so sorry you and your children are going through this- especially as I'm sure you were looking forward to the days when you both would be retired and spending more quality time together.

However, just for now, wipe your eyes, blow your nose and get practical. As a PP said:

"How about don't get sad get angry?"

Get a pad of paper and make a list of things which now need to be done for you and your girls.

• Find out (discreetly) what your financial position is, eg: what your (and his) salary is, including bonuses (take of copy of payslips, P11D/tax documents if available), bank account statements, market value of house and £equity in it; how much you both have in private pensions, savings, working capital, cars, other assets
• see a good solicitor. Check with close friends if they can recommend a good one otherwise check "Find a solicitor" on The Law Society website.
• Have all your papers and questions ready for your first appointment.
• Check if you are eligible for benefits/universal credits. www.entitledto.co.uk
• Check what child maintenance you'd be entitled to for your younger daughter - and the older child too if she's planning on attending university (Google CMS calculator)
• Don't agree with any settlement with your husband before you speak to your solicitor.
• Lean on any good friends you have to get support in real life.

Sending you strength - to you and your children. 🌹

I'm sorry OP, this must be so hard. But I agree with other posters... get angry, not sad. How dare he. You thought things were fine. I agree, there's probably an OW. But even if there wasn't, or if the OW is because he was "unhappy" after 21 years he didn't even have the courtesy to tell you he was struggling or to make the effort to work on things together? He just went off, found another woman and/or left. What a dick. How disrespectful to you, your family and your children.

Also, if he's lying about the OW who knows what else he's lying about so sadly yes, you do need to figure out how to protect yourself, particularly financially.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me and offer your experiences.

This time last week we were sat in a beer garden with friends and our dogs having a great time. How can this be my new reality?

I have control over all our finances and his wages go in a joint account that I have full access to. It’s early days, and I know people have said it before, but he isn’t materialistic, so I don’t think I’ll have a problem with money. I can’t afford to stay in our current home on my own, so I will have to downsize.

My mum has just recovered from bowel cancer, we nearly lost her, so I don’t want to burden them at all. My sister is close by and has been great.

I am just so overwhelmingly sad. The lost future, the rewritten past. I can’t understand it. Why?

Apparently, it’s our fault anyway. He’s a small voice in a big house (his words) and we don’t listen to him. All our fault.

“This time last week we were sat in a beer garden with friends and our dogs having a great time. How can this be my new reality?” This -

he will now rewrite history to justify himself

i see he has started with the false equivalence too “ small voice “

all nonsense , absolute rubbish .

he’ll be back when he realises that doesn’t know what day her bins go out, how to operate her oven, that he’s bought the wrong butter and he can’t find his passport - oh sorry that’s all boring !

idiot

Apparently, it’s our fault anyway. He’s a small voice in a big house (his words) and we don’t listen to him. All our fault.

Of course. Absolute classic. Do all these men download a script or something?

Don't trust that he'll be reasonable about money etc. Get good legal advice and protect all your and your daughters' assets as much as you can. Because he'll soon start saying they're all his. Other PPs are giving good advice, OP, well worth following. I hope that helps you move on from the (understandable) sadness.

I'd take your share from the joint account and put it into your own account.

It's not unknown for them to clear out the joint account when they leave. Hopefully he wouldnt - but I'm sure you never thought he'd leave either. Take no chances. Get your share out ASAP.

#ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus - as she said do not trust him about money.

That will all change v soon - sort out all your finances immediately for you and your children - the man you knew has gone - - he won’t be so attractive without cash in his pocket.

please dont just concentrate on your children. at the risk of being brutal they are at an age where they need to go off to uni, work whatever and live their own lives. Concentrate on YOU. start with all the practical stuff because that will keep your mind busy and occupied. tell everyone who needs to know in a calm and factual way - write it down if necessary so you just stick to the facts. Make him realise that if this is what he really wants then its all going to unravel really quickly and with no going back. of course you are sad. who wouldnt be. but you also need to get organised so that you can move on with your life. happier times are just around the corner but you have to walk the tricky bit first to get to them. Let him have his mid life crisis, affair and whatever else. sort out the present and start thinking about the future.

There is no quick fix to get over sadness in my experience. You're going through a grief of sorts and the only thing that helps that is time.

Talking, reading, writing, and walking with headphones in listening to a podcast, are my favourite distractions when I've been through similar.

Be kind to yourself.

When I was considering this after finding out about an emotional affair from some years previously I saw a lovely counsellor who said to me that some good relationships still have a start and an end and unless there is a great deal of anger/upset, it's possible to be quite matter of fact about it, sort out the financials and then realise there can be a whole new'you' - without compromise-- and the calmness and matter of factness often really pushes them off - which can be satisfying in its own way. It's always worse initially but if it's any consolation OP I've known several women who have split in 50s and 60s who have done some fabulous things that they would never have done otherwise- and in several cases have remained friends with the ex too .

Thanks everyone, so much. I really appreciate the advice and help.

He's still denying an affair. Totally. But .. the facts are there. Youngest DD seen him texting his ‘friend’ last week, and when she questioned it, he deleted the entire thread and lied about who it was. He’s been moody, vacant and quite hard to live with really. When I called him out on it, he took the opportunity to blow a fuse and move out. Very convenient.

There are other things that point towards an affair.

He’s just told DD that it was on the cards for a long time. Well, it’s bloody news to me. At the least it deserves a conversation.

Feeling a tiny bit more positive listening to others experience and advice. I will get straight on with the practical stuff on Monday morning.

We split up when DDs were 5 and 3, and I was devastated. Similar situation - that’s how I know the signs. I begged and done everything to get him back. Not this time. I’m not contacting him. Im sure that’s a shock to him.

Im trying to feel the anger.

@Eventhedogissad

He’s been moody, vacant and quite hard to live with really. When I called him out on it, he took the opportunity to blow a fuse and move out. Very convenient.

So he had somewhere to go to then... 🌹

I don’t see the point in get angry. It’s a destructive. Emotion they don’t do you or your children any positives

that does not mean be a pushover, and of course you need to take time go to think, bith practicals and emotionally.

I see threads on here where decades later women are still full of hatred, anger amc bitterness. Yet the only person that is hurting is them

take each day as it comes, accept there will be good and bad and it will be a rollercoaster of emotions. Don’t be too hard on yourself

@Newestname002 he had, very convenient.

@Crikeyalmighty thank you, that’s good to hear. Maybe that can happen. But not yet. There’s too much hurt. I feel so sad, bone-achingly sad. We’ve been through so much together. Then he’s gone. I’m not screaming and crying, just this terrible sadness.

@WalkUnafraid it is like grief. I don’t want to diminish the feelings of those who have lost loving partners. But it feels like he’s just gone.

Yes it does feel like grief exactly except for he’s alive and well…..

It’s all the sudden change/ the swift change seemingly out of the blue - no warning - makes no sense.

It is sad but things will get better slowly as everyone says - 💐

If I were you I’d sort all of my paperwork and finances

He will be back - only you can decide

@Missbusydiy I don’t want him back. I will never take him back. I think that’s why I’m so sad. I know this is it. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

So sorry

Maybe book something to look forward to. A trip somewhere nice with a friend?

It's the end of a chapter. It's okay to grieve.