How can I deal with the sadness

[Eventhedogissad]

My husband of 21 years has decided to leave. I'm sure there's an affair, but he's denying it. But I know the script.

We have two daughters at home, age 18 and 16. I'm 53. I thought we'd grow old together, so I'm absolutely devastated.

The DDs are both extremely upset, and I'm trying to put on a brave face for them. But this is the saddest I have felt in my entire life. I thought things were okay. We weren't loves young dream, but we were happy. Or so I thought.

How can get over the sadness for a future lost and a past that's he's rewritten? I can't stop crying. I know I need to focus on me and my girls, but I am just so sad.

Your post resonates so much with me. This happened to me.

There is no shortcut through this. It is properly devastating. I used to think it would have easier in a way if he'd died and I would have mourned a great husband. That is very disturbed thinking but it is a time of massive emotional disturbance. I feel nothing like that now.

My advice is this: allow yourself to be sad and devastated. Don't feel driven to be angry, or positive, or anything else that you 'should' be feeling. I was great at being positive, I was determined to he positive and it took me so long to be ok as i hadn't given myself the headspace to feel sad. I alternated between positive and angry. In fact I was sad and I eventually had to face that and work through it.

We were together 20 years. It took me 3.5 years to recover. Now I am way happier than I would have been if we'd stayed together. My life is better in every way. Hold onto that thought. You've got to wade through the awful bit to get to the other side xx

Do not trust him to be fair.

Get whatever money is yours into an account he can't access.

Sorry . My dad left a 40 year marriage for a gold digging, psycho scrubber and destroyed my mother or
so I thought…! Now she thinks he did her a
massive favour and Can’t believe she put up with him for so long!! You will get there. I promise

@sunshinealwayscomesback sorry you had to go through this too. It’s the most difficult thing that’s ever happened to me. And that’s saying something!

It’s nice to hear you have come out the other side, and you are happy. I like to hear positive stories. Did he try to come back?

@Catlover1970 why are men like this!? I thought I had a real diamond. I read other stories, feeling glad that I had a lovely reliable DH.

There are so many memories in my head, going around and around. How can I process 21 years worth of memories.

No, he didn't try to come back. There was a secret OW and amazingly it has lasted and they seem happy. However I have a lovely partner and am happy. Incredibly everyone is friendly and cooperative now and we have two happy children who appreciate this.

It wasn't possible for a long time. It took me over three years to forgive him and move on fully with my own happiness. Almost whenever I got to that stage, I met new partner who is so kind and supportive and more suited to grown-up me.

This is a great start.

I had a similar situation after 24hrs married. He did marry the OW - but instead of being happily retired now, as I am, he's working all hours to pay school fees for his younger dc and sustain a lavish lifestyle.

I let him go without any anger - I didn't want to be married to someone who had fallen out of love with me.

Over a decade later I can see that his instincts were right, we were coasting along and i'm certainly happier now than I was in the later years of our marriage.

We kept it amicable, which did involve me losing out financially - sometimes that rankles (still) but it meant we were able to coparent well when one of the dc became very seriously ill.

I had my own career so was able to take the financial hit - but please please make sure you get a good solicitor - make sure you've got equal access to whatever is put aside for retirement. Formalise agreements about financial support for the dc through uni etc. We went for a "collaborative" family solicitor - I would not advise that as you need someone to be pointing out the financial consequences and implications of the decisions you make.

You don't have to get angry - detached and practical is what you are aiming for. You want to be able to attend family events that he is at - your dcs weddings etc.

It will get better - I sometimes feel sad it didn't work out - but then I look at him now and see all the things that annoyed me about him - still there, still annoying - not my problem 😎

@sunshinealwayscomesback lovely to hear you are doing so well. I can only hope I get to the same place.

@Catsrus this has resonated with me quite a lot. We were probably coasting. Taking things for granted, not giving each other attention. Plus, he annoyed the life out of me most times. I was happier when he was working away. But I didn’t want that to be permanent.

There’s so much to unpick for me to get things straight in my head.

DD2 and I just gone to Starbucks drive thru for a nice drink. She was trying to get me out of the house. And I feel angry that she feels that responsibility. They’re both being like a tag team, not leaving me on my own. When they should be out enjoying the sunshine.

Withdraw the money.

If there's anything I've learnt it's that there is sadly rarely such a thing as a reasonable man and to believe otherwise is really naive.

The world is built for men, and whilst he might be acting reasonable in the pits of guilt now, it won't last long.

He'll get his tail out from between his legs and at some point one of you will need to seek legal advice first and that person will insist the first person to withdraw funds they need from any joint account.

Remember if it's in the joint account either party can take 100% of it with no repercussions.

He's started this so you need to finish it.

Thanks @Jimmyneutronsforehead rest assured, I have the money 😊 there isn’t that much. We have a nice house, but live a modest life. We don’t have a lot really. Cash is all tied up in the house. Equity of about £220k.

Just asking in case anyone knows, are the kids too old for me to be considered as still being trap for them, or will everything be split? £100k won’t get me much here. We’re just outside a big city (Leeds).

Being responsible for them. Should proofread

Good advice there @Catsrus.

It’ll always be your fault, in his eyes and in yours, that’s how they work.

don’t rush into anything. Just look after yourself first and foremost. Get your hair done and take some time to look after yourself, you’ll feel stupid doing it, but I’m onto week three of my husband (partner of 18 years - I’m only 35) and I’m telling you that you can already begin to feel better.

get a journal app, every time you feel overwhelmed or like you will message him, write in the journal as though you are writing to him. Some times you will be angry, other times sad, but you can say whatever you want in it without repercussion. It will help you straighten things out in your head.

forget about the OW (if there is one) because it’s irrelevant. The only thing that matters right now is that you look after yourself and that you start the grieving process. Grieve for the future you’ve lost, that’s ok, but remember that it doesn’t mean you have no future, it’s just different.

make a short list, just a couple of tasks you need to complete that day. Even if it is as simple as washing your hair, or popping out for bread. Cross them out as you complete them.

there is no easy fix, and I realise I am a bit odd for being in such a good position after such a short time, but, I promise these tips will help. And in no time at all you will realise that actually the relationship you are mourning isn’t the best thing about you, and you are the best thing about you.

you will get through this

When splitting assets if he has a pension due you might be able to give up your claim on it for more of the house equity.

Thank you so very much @Hutchy16 for your kind words. I’m taking them all on board.

I’m on the wine now! Probably not a good idea, but it is just me and the dog! I encouraged DDs to go out and do their normal things.

It seems so surreal, and whilst I feel bereft, I’m coping okay. I’m doing normal things. Maybe, that’s a sign. Who knows.

Will take the dog out soon, when it’s much cooler.

Just don’t do the pick me dance when you get drunk…you are worth so much more than that.

Oh…and my cats are sad too 🥺

Thanks @Hutchy16 I definitely won’t. I know I won’t. It’s not even on my radar. It’s over as far as I’m concerned.

@Hutchy16 Aw, our poor pets feel it, they really do. My heart is breaking for my beautiful doggie.

Hi,
I'm so sorry to hear you are being put through this,not sure if it will help but there's lots of inspirational YouTube videos on break ups,they helped me a lot a few years ago and really give you food for thought.If you type in 'When people can walk away from you,let them walk',it should point you in the right direction and hopefully help xx

Thackeray you @Glittersparkle76 I will have a look. Can do with all the help I can.

*Thank you.

You feel sad because it IS sad. It is sad that the dreams and hopes you had for the future have been snatched away. It is doubly sad because part of what you thought of as your happy past is currently being ripped up and rewritten by his selfishness.

When ex and I split I remember crying buckets at a new year party where they were playing music from our era and I felt like I'd lost all those shared memories.

However.. Following seperation I bought an incredible place. A place of my own - not anywhere we would have lived as a family (just the opposite of a family home), but somewhere small and wonderful, close to the city, that was ALL MINE (and the kids when I let them in). I actually enjoy tending my 4 troughs of flowers (night scented stock, sweet peas, nastursiums) more than I enjoyed the large family garden.

And I met a lovely kind man. The same age as me. The music form 'our era' has sparked so many conversations about 'where did you first dance to this...?' It has been more bonding and sharing and exciting that I think it would ever have been with my ex.

What I would say is - get your money sorted. Do not rely on him to be the nice, unmaterialistic guy he has been. Maybe his partner is more materialistic and is whispering in his ear. Maybe he will suddenly realise that half the equity will not give him the lifestyle he's been used to. Then he might get grabby. Protect yourself and your dd against this. Be aware, be wise.

@venusandmars thank you so much. It IS sad. Very sad. My heart is so heavy, it aches. I keep crying in between normal things. I don’t want to go to bed, as I don’t want to wake up. It is so unbelievably shit that I just can’t cope with it. I just want it all to go away.

I do love to hear positive stories and how people have recovered. One day that might be me.

I'm thinking about you and your two loving daughters, Eventhedogissad, and sending you a hand-hold.

I'm remembering the lowest moments of my life. Times when I thought I'd never be happy again. Not hormonal teenage misery, but times of real pain later in my life, when everything had gone wrong.

At the worst of those times, I'd split up with a man I truly loved and who loved me. Then had a period of miserable celibacy followed by a run of lousy relationships. I was bitterly regretting leaving a job and city and lifestyle I enjoyed. I'd lost touch with many of my friends. I'd fallen seriously ill. And I was trying to extricate myself from someone who actually endangered my life (eg road rage) but threatened self-harm if I left him ...

I was in my 40s and I could hardly bear to go on, because life just seemed to get worse and worse.

I would never have believed that a few months after that lowest point I would have ended the toxic relationship definitively, had an operation that restored my health, been fixed up with my now-DH by matchmaking friends, and was embarking on what has been more than 20 years of happiness so far.

Just wanted to tell you I've felt that gut-wrenching grief you're in now, and that sense of your world having been pulled out from under your feet and your future wiped out. So many of us have been through that and come out happier than before.

Every night you get through, you wake up a tiny bit better (sometimes such a tiny bit that you don't notice till you realise how much progress you've made over a shortish time).

Love to you, and to your two wonderful daughters. Better times coming soon. xx