How can I deal with the sadness

[Eventhedogissad]

My husband of 21 years has decided to leave. I'm sure there's an affair, but he's denying it. But I know the script.

We have two daughters at home, age 18 and 16. I'm 53. I thought we'd grow old together, so I'm absolutely devastated.

The DDs are both extremely upset, and I'm trying to put on a brave face for them. But this is the saddest I have felt in my entire life. I thought things were okay. We weren't loves young dream, but we were happy. Or so I thought.

How can get over the sadness for a future lost and a past that's he's rewritten? I can't stop crying. I know I need to focus on me and my girls, but I am just so sad.

Sometimes it’s hard with two people working full time to retain a connection. I don’t know.

particularly if he has been working away and his career has thrived because you’ve been taking care of running the household and looking after your daughters then you may well be entitled to more of the equity in the house and half his pension. See a solicitor asap. It’s about fairness when dividing finances. While his career has flourished you’ve probably had to compromise.

so sorry you are going through this. Glad your daughters are looking after you.

@SaraBaddestB
Women leave their husbands all the time after 21 years and that’s never called disrespectful on this site.

People are like this not men. Women leave marriages too, they just fall out of love the same as your husband.

Perhaps he’s been trying to let you know he’s unhappy at not being listened to for a while and doesn’t feel respected? I think if a woman had said this their would be sympathy toward her. Why are his feelings invalid?

👏whilst you are correct, it is both sexes that leave marriages, the woman doesn't usually just blindside the man, sitting in the garden drinking beer one week and the next week walking out and blocking their partner!

For a woman to leave a marriage it takes a lot, far more than for a man and the statistics back this up. Many women have years of trying to hold it together for themselves and DC. Many years of 'working' on the marriage, despite not loving their DH/ DP and settling for so much less!

Men often leave on a whim when their head is turned by a pretty little thing who appears to be offering ego stroking and an abundance of new exciting sex.

Women leave and have affairs for emotional reasons. If a regular Mnetter, you cannot fail to see the posts where women try day in day out to cope, accept dodgy behaviour, taking the rough with the smooth, good with the bad. For men it is cut and dry, usually all about sex and attention their perceived 'priorital right' to it in marriage usually where the woman is doing most of the life lifting and juggling.

However, now is not the time for you to have a go at yet another woman who has been totally blindesided by a spouse who has been less than forthcoming by raising ANY issues in their marriage until he upped and left one day - totally blaming his DW and family for the reasons when we know it will be due to another woman and again, statistics show men have affairs and leave perfectly happy marriages.

OP do not feel you have to justify your feelings one little bit. Total respect to you for not being prepared to take him back if he came begging. You certainly deserve much more.

Reminds me of a boyfriend I had for 1 year who did something similar. He hadn’t been happy for some time, allegedly. I was completely blind sided. So God only knows how you must feel OP. Devastated must be an understatement. However, have breaks from your understandable distress - to get what’s yours! You are probably, maybe? sweet, trusting and we’re oblivious to his machinations of unhappiness (since he never mentioned them before, how cowardly 🙁). I don’t know. But important to now also get what’s yours, legally get that ball rolling, and I hope things move forward for you 💕.

ps I haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if I’m behind events.

OP, I'm sending you the biggest of big hugs. You WILL get through this, I promise. You've been given some excellent advice on here.

Please try to reach out to a trusted friend and please read the Chump lady site, it explains a lot of what is currently blindsiding you now 💐

Yeah 🍷 helps actually I think, short term, for the initial pain, it’s perfectly understandable. Take some time off work? Just give yourself an environment with love and peace as much as possible in this. Such heartbreak requires this so give yourself as much of this as you can.

@1000chairs

I think it’s a fallacy based in bias that women leave marriages for “better” reasons than men. They feel the reasons are better, but then they would wouldnt they?

What difference does it make if men leave for affairs and women leave because they fall out of love and let it drag? It’s the same result.
Its also a fallacy that women don’t leave good men, they do. It happens often as you say, they fall out of love and grind on for a while and then leave - but often that is through no fault of their husbands at all.

Somepeople, men and women, leave because their spouse isn’t great - others are just more fickle and just lose the feeling. A woman’s right to leave a marriage for any reason is vehemently defended on this site, well here is a man leaving for a dumb reason and he’s trashed. Wouldn’t happen in reverse.

Stats show women leave marriage far more often than men but that is excused away as the men being at fault. I don’t buy that. Sometimes it might be the truth but often it isn’t and the situation is comparable to this, with the main difference being that the man will probably be aware beforehand as she won’t be able to stand his touch or presence for a while before. But that hardly makes it better.

And I was supporting OP anyway.

Teenagers fall recklessly in and out of love and it consumes them. That's natural at their age. When an adult with children uses "I fell out of love" as an excuse for abandoning their responsibilities, it's pathetic. Some women do abandon their children, but it's usually the men who do this.

@SaraBaddestB

"What difference does it make if men leave for affairs and women leave because they fall out of love and let it drag? It’s the same result."

Of course it makes a massive difference regardless of it being the same result. Do you really need it explaining that the utter heartbreak and trauma in addition to abuse accompanying infidelity can have a life time impact on the unsuspecting spouse in a marriage particularly if they are blindesided. It is a pain akin to and as raw as losing a loved one. That is why until recently divorce for adultery was an instant given!

Cheating is the ultimate low, revealing the character of the individual who cheats as one who has little decency or integrity. Often broken entitled individuals with narrccistic tendencies.

You cannot even start to put that on the same level as a woman who has fallen out of love, tried to make it work but goes to their OH and asks for a divorce, without having anyone else lined up in the wings.

Statistics show that although women are considered the more vulnerable sex (dependent DC's and SAHM) it is the men who might leave for xyz reason if not an affair partner but NOT until they have someone lined up in the wings to do life laundry and provide domestic happiness.

@ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus

Both men and women fall out of love like this and detonate families. I’m not sure women falling out of love and then wanting to keep main custody of children thereby leaving the partner their leaving without their children daily is any better than leaving outright. At least in OP’s case she still lives with her children - not so for many of the men whose wives fall out of love in the same way.

Is it better to leave a marriage for fickle reasons and leave your children with the spouse who didn’t want the split or leave for fickle reasons and kick your spouse out the house and their childrens lives (at least a good part of the time)?
Id rather be the spouse left with the kids. At least I’d still have my kids.

@

@1000chairs

Is it really worse to be suddenly left for an affair than it is to go years trying to make it work with a spouse who recoils at your touch and presence? It’s more of a shock to be sure, but I don’t agree it’s worse.

I think that’s just an excuse to Minimize the hurt felt by the spouse of the spouse who has fallen out of love and leaves them. I think it’s a straight up fallacy that that spouse has “tried to make it work” - quite often it’s the one who gets left that has tried to make it work to no avail. That’s what I’ve seen in other couples.

Women leave their husbands after 21 years on this site.... absolutely true. But usually, it's after years of expressing unhappiness and frustration, begging for things to change, trying 100 solutions. As far as OP knew, thi gs were just fine.

So unless she's completely oblivious and he has said many many times he's unhappy ans she has ignored him I am going to stick with my argument that he was disrespectful and cruel.

I am really struggling to make sense of your last comment.

Adultery is never an acceptable way out of a marriage. There are always other choices.

@1000chairs

The point is that it’s not “the way out” that makes all the difference. There may not even be adultery in this case - but still the hurt is there. Whether it’s sudden or slow and bitter without cheating makes no difference, neither is a “better” way to have your marriage end when you don’t want it to.

@SaraBaddestB

"Whether it’s sudden or slow and bitter without cheating makes no difference, neither is a “better” way to have your marriage end when you don’t want it to."

I massively disagree with this. My husband had an affair and then left me and our children for the OW. I was completely blindsided and it has absolutely devastated us. I would have found it much easier to deal with if he had talked to me and said he was unhappy (if he actually was) and at least given our marriage a chance.

I now have to cope with being suddenly left to parent alone and knowing that he has moved on and is with someone else. It's the worst pain I have ever felt.