How can I deal with the sadness

[Eventhedogissad]

My husband of 21 years has decided to leave. I'm sure there's an affair, but he's denying it. But I know the script.

We have two daughters at home, age 18 and 16. I'm 53. I thought we'd grow old together, so I'm absolutely devastated.

The DDs are both extremely upset, and I'm trying to put on a brave face for them. But this is the saddest I have felt in my entire life. I thought things were okay. We weren't loves young dream, but we were happy. Or so I thought.

How can get over the sadness for a future lost and a past that's he's rewritten? I can't stop crying. I know I need to focus on me and my girls, but I am just so sad.

You will do it but right now you just need to put one foot in front of the other until it all adds up. Honestly. I deprecated from my husband after almost 40 years together. We met when I was 16. I’m now 64. It’s not the life I had thought I’d have but I’m happy. A different happy. But I’m happy.

I also know I’m the adult in the family and that my children and grandchildren are happy and secure because of me.

You will be ok but it takes time. Right now is for being completely and utterly bewildered and upset and putting one foot in front of the other even if it’s to bed or the fridge or a glass of wine.

These are just hours apart…the rollercoaster is real…but you can write the sadness and the hurt and the anger, but he doesn’t ever get the benefit of reading it.

These are also just after the last pictures

Just take things gently but purposefully. Right now you are in limbo and you have to make that break to get out of it. You cannot go back - the only way is forward. Start to work out how to move forward - keep a journal but also put in steps on how to do this.

Get outside (heatwave permitting!!), take deep breathes and just try and forget about everything for a while. If possible can you & your daughter's take a short break somewhere to take stock & regroup?

Just keep looking forward....

Sending love and sympathy. You and your daughters will get through this. They sound wonderful and you are all supporting each other, with help from your sister and undoubtedly other people who love you.

Not able to go to work today, and I am so mad at myself. Drank too much wine, and couldn’t sleep as was just overwhelmed with the gravity of it all.

I text DH yesterday, not begging or pleading, Judy acceptance, but questioning things, telling him how I felt. He never replied. So, I’ve blocked him everywhere. I know I will need to communicate with him at some point, but right now it’s too raw.

My life has been a lie.

*just

OP, your life hasn't been a lie. Your husband is undoubtedly lying to himself about what he's doing, but those, and anything else he's been doing without your knowledge, are his lies, not yours. You have been honest and loving, and you still are. You have brought up two daughters who sound wonderful. You are not at fault.

I hope your family and friends can help you through this. But do also seek advice from Citizens Advice Bureau or other experts, on what your options are now. Having a plan will help you move forward.

Thank you. I have a house valuation today. My first initial solicitor appointment is tomorrow, by telephone. I’m trying to be practical to stop the pain.

I know deep down I will get through it. I just wish I could fast forward a year and things be slightly better 😢

You have moved fast - a solicitor appointment and a house valuation in less than 4 days!

No messing! I called about 5 solicitors on Monday. Purple Bricks I only messaged this morning, and booked in for 5!

OP don't communicate with him until you feel ready. You are not in work today so try and at least do one thing you enjoy (listen to upbeat music, watch trash TV whatever..). However i would suggest if you can go to work tomorrow & try to keep busy don't let this fill all your headspace- you will just go round in a vicious loop. You have done nothing wrong to deserve this injustice that is happening to you ! Be kind to yourself & your children- whether its an affair or mid-life crisis is not something you can control so try & work on the things you have control over - well done on contacting the solicitor good first step! Do things at your pace. Take care & it's ok to be bloody angry at him - but most of all show your girls a good example (what a great caring, strong, independent, brave mom they have - who when the chips are down knows how to take care of them & herself - thats a gift you can give them) make yourself & your girls the real priority- he isn't so you have too - you can do this one step at a time. Take care x

I am so sorry to hear this OP. Others have given good advice. Just my 2 cents’ worth: please do not assume that he won’t cause problems with the money because he is not materialistic. It is amazing how these apparently non materialistic men transform into money grabbing maniacs the minute their emotions are no longer invested in you. I speak from experience.

I can't offer practical help but thinking of you and your painful situation. Many of us have been there. Takes a bit of getting used to, one day they are your rock, friend, loving partner of many years and the next they are checked out and gone, having blocked and ghosted us.
Turn your sadness into anger, I have no doubt there is an OW.

My friend sent me this which at the time I never appreciated but now ❤. I hope you do too. Stay strong.

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

Erin Hanson

This can't be repeated often enough!

That quote made me cry. I love him and hate him at the same time. I want him to come begging for us back, so I can say no. But I know that won’t happen. And I know it doesn’t matter.

I am trying to be so strong. It’s so, so hard.

Thanks @DrNo007

@Winter2020

Would you also apply this advice to any men whose wives are leaving them? That they should make their wives see their retirement is about to get much poorer, that they need the family home and also should transfer ALL money to their name?
I doubt it

@MsMarch

Women leave their husbands all the time after 21 years and that’s never called disrespectful on this site.

@Eventhedogissad

Perhaps he’s been trying to let you know he’s unhappy at not being listened to for a while and doesn’t feel respected? I think if a woman had said this their would be sympathy toward her. Why are his feelings invalid?

@ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus

He feels unheard and disrespected. Is he wrong to leave over that? Why is it alright for a woman to leave for that reason but not him?

@Eventhedogissad

People are like this not men. Women leave marriages too, they just fall out of love the same as your husband.

I get all the people saying that maybe I didn’t listen etc. I think I did. I tried everything to help. I’ve supported him through major surgery, a bad accident, the death of his Mum. I’ve tried everything. But nothing worked. I think he had checked out already, and anything I was doing was futile.

I’m not going to take him to the cleaners. He doesn’t have any money. He doesn’t have a big pension. I am just going to protect myself and the DDs. I can’t see anything wrong with that.

I do understand that women do this too.

Sometimes when this happens out the blue it’s been coming for a long time and what one partner thinks of as a happy rut, the other thinks of as them being unheard and disrespected and also that the other partner may have really let themselves go and stopped caring for the marriage.

The important thing is to get your affairs in order, since he left I assume girls will stay with you and since he left he really should give you the house and a little. But it’s no fault now so who knows?

Of course and OW could complicate things money wise. Possibly she’s been in his ear about things and plying on his feelings of being taken for granted and he’ll end up being convinced he deserves more so beware of that.

Maybe @SaraBaddestB, maybe that’s true. But it deserves a conversation at least. 21 years and he’s just gone. It’s devastating. Our whole world has collapsed. I do believe there is someone telling him that he’s hard done by. Of that I have no doubt.

Maybe women do this. But I would never have. My marriage vows were sacred to me, and I works have been prepared to try anything, if I’d been given the chance.

I don’t think I have let myself go! I look as good as I can. I work full time in a job I enjoy. I have friends and family that I love and care for.

@Eventhedogissad

Your a good egg and you deserved better. So did your girls.