How can I deal with the sadness

[Eventhedogissad]

My husband of 21 years has decided to leave. I'm sure there's an affair, but he's denying it. But I know the script.

We have two daughters at home, age 18 and 16. I'm 53. I thought we'd grow old together, so I'm absolutely devastated.

The DDs are both extremely upset, and I'm trying to put on a brave face for them. But this is the saddest I have felt in my entire life. I thought things were okay. We weren't loves young dream, but we were happy. Or so I thought.

How can get over the sadness for a future lost and a past that's he's rewritten? I can't stop crying. I know I need to focus on me and my girls, but I am just so sad.

Oh it's the "not feeling valued" and getting his ego stroked by some other woman scenario. I'm so sorry. i've been there too and it will get better - it's all sadness, regret, anger, anxiety and panic all mixed together. When it is unexpected it is even worse. He has to make it all about you and the children. I was told that we were not on "his team". It's all about reinforcing his decision and seeing himself as the guy who DESERVES happiness. He will never be happy having to have someone else to provide validation for him - the prick! You will manage this and you may eventually even think Thank God.

Please don't do this especially at the age of 53 - a pension fund is far more valuable to you than taking more equity to stay in a house you can't really afford.

That last post was in reference to taking more equity than pension.

I can’t sleep. DD2 is beside me. She was very upset this evening as she text her Dad and he hasn’t replied. Then she noticed that it’s been her initiating contact with him the whole time.

Crying so hard into my pillow. I used to have bad dreams that DH left, and I would wake up so upset, then realise it was a dream. Now it’s not. It’s my life. It’s devastating. I just don’t think I can do this.

You CAN do it @Eventhedogissad and you will. It's so, so hard though, and not something that will be fine overnight. But there is the required strength inside you; we are resilient.

I hope you got a couple more hours sleep.

I'm so sorry OP that this has happened to you. In time the pain will start to ease. You already recognise your own self worth. That is a really positive thing. Now you use that strength to secure a new future for yourself and your girls. Dig deep and remember that you've got this. A whole new and fulfilling life lies ahead. Best wishes to you. xx

Thank you @BlueSuffragette and @WalkUnafraid

I did get a bit more sleep. Waking up is the worst. I just can’t stop crying again. My whole existence seems futile. The dog is so sad, if I could show you him sitting waiting at the window, you would understand.

I’m totally broken.

I'm a similar age with now grown up kids and was in your situation 6 years ago. The pain has gone but sadly, the anger is still there and I do wonder when/if it will ever go.
Ex of course had an OW and got her pregnant and and married within a nanosecond. The only thing that makes me chuckle now is the thought of him, mid 50's, having to change nappies again and spend his evenings watching Peppa Pig whilst his peers are driving around in sports cars and taking early retirement !

Oh op I really really feel for you.
This happened to me 2 years ago just around the time of lockdown and it came out do the blue as well. It was an affair as well and with a mutual friend no less.

I remember reading threads like this at the time where you can't believe you're ever going to feel better but I promise you will.

I was sad for a long time much more so than angry which surprised me as I'm more a of a hot headed person but I was just so sad for the life I had lived and thought I was going to have, I was sad for my children and just really grieved losing my husband.

I had a few counselling sessions after a few months as I felt in a 'sad' rut and wanted to feel angry as I felt that would help me move on and my counsellor was fantastic.

I felt strong enough to file for divorce about 5 months after he left and I honestly wish it was sooner but I genuinely didn't have the mental capability or strength at the time.

Ultimately though if count myself now as a success story - I got a new job, redorcieatsc the decorated the

House and took up weightlifting and feel and look so much better.

I still get sad sometimes for my children but overall we're in a great place.

Thinking of you op 💐

@easylikeasundaymorning It is nice to hear from those that are doing well. So sorry to hear you went through this too. @wigglypigeon. DH has had the snip, so there will be no more babies. That’s a blessing at least. I wish I could feel anger, but I can’t.

I range from thinking he must be having an affair, to then being worried that he’s having some sort of mental breakdown and I’m not being supportive enough. To then thinking, I just don’t care either way. It’s irrelevant.

I probably need to do weight lifting, as I need to cut the grass and I don’t have the strength to turn the lawnmower on! All three of us have tried, and it did provide some much needed hilarity!

@Eventhedogissad yes you can do this. I was with my husband for 27 years - he didn't have an affair but he was controlling and I just put up with it.

I actually took a month off work when he left as I couldn't face the world - I just wanted to stay in bed but I had two people who relied on me. Do you have any friends or close family (on your side) that you can chat to? I also went to a private counsellor.

It is all too raw right now - be kind to yourself - this is not your fault.

As for your DD - that is awful that she is messaging him with no reply. Do not interfere with that - I have done the wrong thing in talking about my husband to my kids and have learned I need to zip it.

We are all here for you😘

Today hasn’t been a good day 😢

Mine didn't have an affair but turned into a complete shit and behaved in ways I could never have imagined. It made me realise the man I thought I loved never existed. My past and future were wiped out, almost overnight. It was devastating. Looking at retired couples together was unbearably painful.

Almost five years down the line now. Building a new life for myself, new hobbies, interests, fitter, fantastic lover. I am a similar age to you, a few years younger. It will hurt like anything, rage, pain, loss, grief but you will find it in you to slowly start to move forward and build a new and good life.

That sums up exactly how I feel @badgerbognor Everything is gone. Was everything a lie? Did he mean anything he said? 21 Christmases, 21 summer holidays. What are all those memories? Are they even real?

I need to get out of this woe is me.

Is it because I put on weight?

Sorry, I'm rambling, this is just so unbelievably hard. He’s just gone in the blink of an eye.

How are you today? Take baby steps & eat well. Thinking about you & sending a hug x

Your heart is broken and it’s only time that will help you through this.

Further down the line there will times when you have it worked out in your head but your heart will still hurt. Then at other times you’re heart won’t hurt but your head will.

The one day you’ll realize that your heart and your head are have caught up with each other and you’ll be ok.

It will be a new Ok. A new happy. But you will be happy again one day and you’ll also be ok.

Take your time. Look after yourself and your girls. It’s all about the 3 of you now.

It is hard but part of the feeling bad is loss of control of the situation. He created and put you in this position so now you need to find a way out and look to the future (in baby steps).

See a solicitor & find out what you should be considering & planning for.

Keep all contact with him functional so you start to accept the new normal.

Keep in touch with friends & family-you may be surprised who will be there for you.

@Freeme31 I’m much the same. Just so sad. I can’t find any other words to describe it. I’ve come to work, as I feel better here (and there’s air conditioning!) I have the dog with me, keeping cool.

Thanks @WaveyHair I’ve made some initial solicitor calls, and have two telephone appointments for later in the week. It just felt surreal.

Your analogy of the head and heart @JellyBellyNelly , gives me so hope. Thank you.

Eldest DD is back from her girlfriends today and wants to cook me some tea. They’re both being so kind, even though they are hurting too.

I'm so sorry OP. That is not only heartbreaking it shatters your sense of the world and your family life as you had envisaged it.

You ask what to do. The first thing is to get a bloody brilliant lawyer who totally understands the game these men play and has fought hard for wive's rights.

Second, practise really brilliant self care. Make yourself eat well, exercise, dress well, get hair cut, nails and brows done if you enjoy that sort of thing, dental and eye and any health checks all up to date.
If you need help sleeping, take a strong antihistamine with a mug of valerian tea.

And also, start focusing on all the areas of your life that you can control and can bring you happiness, self-worth and satisfaction. Focus on all the other key areas of life, other than the separation: friends, family, work, hobbies, fitness and health, education or skill-building, any bucketlist items that you never intended to do with him anyway - ones that were always yours and yours alone.

It could be therapeutic to make a list of all the things you stopped doing or never did because he didn't approve or like them, and do them all now. Play the music you love and he hated at top volume, cook the food you love and he didn't every night for a week, repaint the house in a colour he vetoed. Book a holiday where he never wanted to go or doing what he never wanted to do but you did. Reclaim yourself.

I just don’t think I can do this. It’s too hard. It’s just too hard.

I promise it will get better OP please hang on in there .

I hated feeling out of control and so unbearably sad. I couldn't focus on tv or books so one thing that really helped in the early days was going for long walks (when not a crazy heat wave) with an audio book playing on headphones. That helped keep me out of my own head so much and stop obsessing over and over the same thoughts. It also helped tire me out more for bed. Also kept me off my phone looking at messages/looking at ex's social media.

A bonus factor was that I also lost a fair bit of weight too.

OP, I almost had a complete nervous breakdown, looking back on it. I can't even begin to describe what is was like. People who have not been through something like that, cannot even begin to understand it. Its very hard to get through. But it is recoverable from.

@Eventhedogissad

please please please try the journal suggestion I posted.

i was writing in it 8-10 times a day at first, but it helped me sift through my feelings.

it isn’t a quick fix, but I promise it will help you if you get it down somewhere…