If your DH/partner had an affair, did she look like you?

[Byronalso]

Soon to be ex DH had an affair for 2 years. We are British Indian, medical professionals, very close to our families, just a normal family (or so I thought)

Exs affair partner was a white British woman, tattooed, single mother. No hate for her, I blame him but I’m struck that he couldn’t have gone more opposite to me if he had tried. I don’t know if it would hurt less if she was a carbon copy of me or if it’s better we are completely different (well I’m now a single mother so not that different).

If you saw/met the other woman was she like you? Did you prefer it that way?

Agree with you and you've made an interesting point.

Is 'affair down' one of those stupid things counsellors say to boost a woman when she's at her lowest?

I agree it's misogynistic, but I think it can describe what the man is doing from his own POV, if he feels threatened or emasculated by his wife's intellect, success or even looks. Not that he should, or that it's a reasonable response, but I think it happens. He looks for a woman who will look up to him and he can feel superior to and feel like the big important bloke.

One of my exes actually explained to me during our break-up, that I was too intellectual (despite the fact that he was an academic, and I wasn't...) and he was attracted to the OW because he saw her as less clever, lower earning, and even being physically shorter made her more appealing, so that he wouldn't feel threatened. He then moaned to me that she was boring and stupid and he couldn't have a decent conversation with her.

I was the OW, tall and dark haired and great looking for my age so everyone tells me, his wife was a year younger, blonde, short and frumpy (gone to the dogs) I told her so when stupidly playing the pick me dance with him (he promised me the earth, but that never materialised). Basically I could have looked like anyone to him as long as I offered sex o. a plate, but at the time, I thought he cared and we were soul mates.

Maybe as a result of the shock discovery of our affair his wife lost 5 stone, improved her looks and he stayed with her (after she finally gave him an ultermatum) and I got some self respect.

That makes the men involved idiots who just want their dicks wet and egos stroked.

An intelligent, high earning woman is lacking, so he cheats with a woman he considers of lower intelligence and lower earning, who he again finds lacking.

You were both appealing enough to have sex and relationship with, but neither was good enough to keep him satisfied. The issue is him, neither you nor her.

The idiot who doesn't know what he wants is the one lacking here, as each woman brought him something of value at some point.

Dweetfidilove yep totally agree, silly man. I also think it's the socialisation of so many men to have to feel important and superior to women.

But the question was is "affairing down" a thing - I think that's a horrible description but I do think it is what some men do, deliberately, according to what they perceive as "down".

I agree it's misogynistic

Thinking your better than the wife because you're new and fresh, maybe don't have kids is also pretty misogynistic. Calling someone a bike isn't great - I would feel uncomfortable if someone spoke like that in front of me - but the wife herself is entitled to feel how she likes. Saying someone 'affairing down' isn't misogyny, but knowingly participating in cheating, is.

Sympathies are always with the partner, first. Saying things when hurt is not a reliable indicator of misogyny, always easy to take the high road when you're not in the situation with your family's lives changed.

When it happened to me many years ago, she wasn't dissimilar looking, but was objectively better looking, smarter, more successful and a very nice person too! (she had no idea we were together and got the measure of him pretty quickly) she was also a lot older than us both, so almost like a more polished future me. Which I suppose bucks most of the trends.

Mine cheated with a man, who dressed up as a woman once a week.

They looked rather pretty when dressed up, but no, nothing like me 😝

Oh. My. God.

That's awful. How did you tell your mother?!

I bet a woman half his age would have seemed normal compared with that. @Treacletoots

@TreePoser to be fair he was considerably younger..

That was 20 years ago, I can definitely laugh about it now

Yeh, I'd laugh twenty years later too, but the first 15, oooh "humour downloading 30%" 😄

Nope, absolute polar opposite to me. In terms of looks, I am tall, slim, blonde. She is short, large, dark hair.
The other big difference between us is I have morals and wouldn't sleep with a married man!
That being said, my fiance is nothing like my ex although is more similar to my first long term boyfriend!

I listened to the latest episode of the Esther Perel podcast recently, which was called something like ‘we started as an affair’ and she makes a similar point to the couple around rewriting values and previously-held morals so I don’t think it’s something that is only said to the wronged woman

but in my observations of friends relationships where there was cheating, it is true.

Maybe it’s a stage of life thing, but the affair partners were all ‘still on the shelf’ women who were prepared to put up with the crap, and go along with the ‘rules’ of not phoning at weekends, only having grubby clandestine meets in shit hotels and out of town restaurants etc because they didn’t have options

And none of them lasted, because I think the men were embarrassed to be seen with the OW in the cold light of day

of course we can get into a big philosophical argument about makes one woman better or worse than another, but on the basic assessments of ‘who is prettier/slimmer/funnier/more successful’, there seems to be a pattern, with some outliers

She was ten years older than me and around 10 stone heavier. Apparently they make each other miserable now. Karma is lovely.

The woman my husband (we're still married) had an affair with was the total opposite to me. I think of it not as 'affair down' but that they 'affair broken'. She was a mess at the time (for reasons I wont go into here I absolutely know this to be true). He was also a mess at the time (I lived that).

Broken met broken and then together, they broke me!

He's much healthier now, I believe she is too. But I care very little for her, I don't owe her kindness, empathy, compassion as she offered me none, at the time or since.

@TreePoser sorry I only just saw your question about how I knew OW was someone I knew. ExH generally only went to one place, the local pub and I used to go there a lot too - it was sort of a big loose group of friends (village life!). I was pregnant and he started staying out till 3/4 am, acting shifty, not letting me use his phone etc. I knew where he was and knew it must be a woman who went to the local pub too and lived nearby as he was walking there and back.

Ah, i hope as betrayals went it wasnt a huge one. I mean obviously he betrayed you but i hope it was jus somebody you knew to see :-/

Complete opposite, the only similarity we had was that we were very young when we got into a relationship with him. I was 18 (he 26), she was 21 (he was 40 ish , not sure exactly as no idea how long the affair was going on).
She was a blessing in disguise tbh.

My husband left me when I was 53 and he was 51 for a woman of 45. She was brunette like mine used to be and her hair was long like mine but it her hair was curly / wavy, she is shorter, curvier, bustier, much younger looking even than her own age, I thought she was a late 20's when I first saw her, she is still pretty while my bloom is long gone, she had dark eyes while mine are blue and more ivory toned skin. She was also highly educated and had a successful career while I had been a sahm to our 5 kids. She has no children by choice. A bit of a hippie / boho type. She doesn't do much make up, jewellary, perfume, nail polish etc like me, I think he likes natural women.

They seem happy together and I got half of everything in the divorce so I'm fine, not looking for someone else at the moment. We were done really once the kids were up anyway.

I should say she supposedly refused his advances until he ended the marriage but of course even them talking about that was still a shitty thing to do.

My ex left me for a woman who was talller, chubbier, darker, prettier and less successful than me. He left her for a tiny blonde who is very successful.... so the only type is him.. Type A Arsehole.

In my case, She couldn't have looked more different

Nothing like me. She is off her rocker too.

Much more his type I would say.

Idiot.

hilarious, I'd point it out to him, just to plant the seed 😂

Yeah pretty much, essentially similar but slight differences- she had a grey tint to her shorter, curly, blonde hair mine is super long, straight, bright blonde. Apparently once he ended it with her she morphed in to a closer resemblance of me- got hair extensions, straightened it went super bright blonde, even got fake glasses.....