If your DH/partner had an affair, did she look like you?

[Byronalso]

Soon to be ex DH had an affair for 2 years. We are British Indian, medical professionals, very close to our families, just a normal family (or so I thought)

Exs affair partner was a white British woman, tattooed, single mother. No hate for her, I blame him but I’m struck that he couldn’t have gone more opposite to me if he had tried. I don’t know if it would hurt less if she was a carbon copy of me or if it’s better we are completely different (well I’m now a single mother so not that different).

If you saw/met the other woman was she like you? Did you prefer it that way?

I’m tall, blonde and curvy and he cheated on me with a tiny, skinny Chinese woman. She is much more his type personality wise though - he always wanted a submissive house wife who worshipped humans from what I can tell she absolutely fulfills that role. Good on her, I couldn’t do it.

Why are you still with this man?

@SkeletonFight we have young DC… we are trying to reconcile.
latest was full blown emotional and physical, suspect he loved her but denies it, although he only ended it when I essentially told him to.
the others were just sexual, ONS, some years ago, not that that excuses it.
Discovery day not that long ago and I still feel in shock.
Part of me also can’t bear the thought of him running straight off to be with the latest mistress if it ends whilst I’m left alone with the kids. Stupid I know just don’t know what’s what right now. Some days better than others. Not sure whether it will work long term.

No she looked like Nadine Dorries. They are still together and I chuckle every time old nads comes on the tv. My friend heard her screaming at him in a pub lately. Nice😒

You're right. I remember my ex telling me how love "wasn't enough". He literally wanted a mummy figure who would baby him and do everything for him but also give him as much sex as he wanted. He needs to be worshipped and adored and be permanently in the honeymoon phase. His expectations are wholly unrealistic. Pathetic really.

Very good question and responses.
When mine had a EA/sexting it was with someone who looked the tot opposite off me and also about 8 years older than me.
Never understood it.
When we had break ups, always went for total opposite too 😐

👏🏻 Absolution This

**absolutely

My ex cheated 3 times that I know of (yeah, I really should have left the first time). None of them looked anything like me. His current wife looks really quite like me, so I guess he'll shag anyone, but stick to type when settling down.

Yep. But a down graded version of me. Shes an older, shorter, less educated and way more poorly spoken version of me. The only positive thing l can think to say is her teeth are better.

She didn’t look at all like me, but her ex husband is a dead ringer for my ex husband. They were both having an affair. The resemblance is uncanny, I’m sure they have all noticed it

Bless you.

@Pickle991

Carbon copy. Height, shape, hair colour, skin tone, upbringing, interests, etc.

he simply started back to things we had done when dating. Brought her to the same restaurants and hobby/interests/events. I often wonder if she realised she is experiencing second-hand what he did with me. (Bizarrely, he was still married to me when he commenced: I was holding the homestead and the babies while he was out doing third-date stuff.)

im happy to leave her off giving him what he needs to feel special. The children and I rely on him feeling happy and content in his life in order for us to be magnanimously left alone. When he’s happy, he’s lavish. When he’s miserable, he is vengeful and mean.

She had physical traits that he found unattractive in me.
According to mutual friends, we are very similar in personality etc.
The big difference though, she was wealthy. Shallow twat.
He doesn't work, so lives off her. I'm not convinced it will last long term.
So glad we split though, because Ive found my soul mate now 😍
Things happen for a reason I guess

A secure confident woman doesn’t fall for the counsellor’s misogynistic system of ranking women.

I’m neither above nor below other women. Even if they perform ‘menial’ jobs, whatever that means.

Good summary I agree

Did you misd personality? Tbh someone having good natural teethe is a winner also!

In my case, I was a small, petite, long haired brunette. She was taller and bigger than me with short blonde hair. Small, not petite, long haired brunettes were his preference but she is far more compatible with him than I was. She's attractive but I'm 'prprettier'its not really about looks. Ever in my experience of men who've cheated.

I've only met her a couple of times and don't really know her at all but my son said once that he could see why he went for her - "she's needy and he needs to be needed". He said that I was too independent for his dad.

I do know that that was an issue. He wanted, like many men I've met since, an adoring 'manic pixie girl' who didn't really exist as a complete human outside of him, who wouldn't be better at anything that he was, that wouldn't 'emasculate' him by being able to do 'manly' things that he couldn't do, who would always laugh at his jokes and whose only need was for him to be ' the man'.

He once cancelled contact with the children because she'd gone to A&E with a sprained ankle and didn't want to sit in the hospital waiting room alone. That would be like catnip to him. The worst thing a woman could say to him is, "No thanks, it's fine, I can do it."

Probably urban myth but if the affair partner looks like the spouse (but probably a younger version) then the cheater basically doesn't want to leave the spouse, but wants to reclaim something of the primary relationship which they feel is missing. It's more about satisfying their own ego than falling out of love with their spouse.
Where the AP looks nothing like the spouse, then the affair is more about them wanting variety, or they may have fallen out of love with their spouse entirely.

Or they are just unfaithful selfish bastards

Is 'affair down' one of those stupid things counsellors say to boost a woman when she's at her lowest?

What makes one woman more / less than the other?

Should the woman with her 'menial' job congratulate herself for being able to..., despite being 'lesser' than his wife.

I can see why a woman buys into it at a time of hurt, but what a load of old misogynistic bullshit.

And as for the man going on about the 'office bike'. Why would you listen to a man calling a woman that and not pull him up? Bet he had a case of mentionititis while desparately waiting for her to notice him.

She looked the opposite of me, and also had the complete opposite personality. shes a well known bully and i just still dont understand it all but when they did get together he seemed to have a complete personality transplant and became really nasty and bitter and they both seem to like attacking people on social media and trying to get a rise

its made it easier we are nothing alike and ive just accepted they are better suited.

What makes me better than the OW is that I would never, ever cheat as I have some morals. My ex husband 100% affaired down.

or have a relationship with a person I knew was married