If your DH/partner had an affair, did she look like you?

[Byronalso]

Soon to be ex DH had an affair for 2 years. We are British Indian, medical professionals, very close to our families, just a normal family (or so I thought)

Exs affair partner was a white British woman, tattooed, single mother. No hate for her, I blame him but I’m struck that he couldn’t have gone more opposite to me if he had tried. I don’t know if it would hurt less if she was a carbon copy of me or if it’s better we are completely different (well I’m now a single mother so not that different).

If you saw/met the other woman was she like you? Did you prefer it that way?

Interesting thread, and I’ve certainly heard the theory before. Probably true in a lot of cases.

My observations over the years are that they go for ‘dirty’ girls, compared to their current partner. Flame me if you like, but I’ve seen many lovely ladies wronged in that way. And so often it doesn't last...

I didn’t cheat on anyone and have been happily married for 15 years now but I often think if my exes were all in a room together they’d think they’d entered the twilight zone as I definitely have a type - tall, skinny, shaggy dark hair and a short beard. 😆🙈

What an utter utter idiot.

my ex cheated with and then married someone 22 years younger than me and she is everything he always said he disliked. She is tattooed, an evangelical Christian, pro-trump, hates travel….he also said no more children when we were together. He has three under 5 with her (she I just turned 30, he is over 50) and she has a teenager she had when she was a teenager.

when I found out who she was I did think it hurt less than if it had been someone similar to me, but better (as in age appropriate, similar education, etc) but if he wanted all of this? Yea….bye.

in the end it is not a competition. There is something wrong with my ex. He did not tell me he was unhappy or work on our marriage. It hurt and my kids were hurt badly (oh yeah, he dumped them too). But he is a lost soul and we are better off without.

I am so sorry for your pain. It will pass. Don’t try to figure any of it out. It never makes sense.

I sometimes go on a male dominated forum which can be very .... "honest" and they wax lyrical aboit how you should never "wife up a ho", "can't turn a ho into a housewife", about what is wife material etc etc.

A big segment of men most certainly would have casual relationships and cheat with women they would not have a serious relationship with or marry or jntentionally have kids with.

They can sometimes end up with women theh categorise like that though, through contraceptive "failures", or habit, or laziness, or their partner throwing them out and them not wanting to be on their own etc.

Nope I'm slim brunette. Quite put together. He went for a lady that looked eerily like his mother- plump 5,6 with short blonde hair

OW became Wife #2. She didn't look like me. Wife#3 looked like her, though.

It's also a bearing for certain men, when they "sorted" the wife material, reliable, respectable, stable mother forthright kids ... to "play" with the women they'd never put in that position intentionally. There might be an element of whore/Madonna complex too.

When I was around 24, a man really came onto me. He owned a big car sales place, and told me he’d give me a car. I was tempted by the car, but not the sleazebag.

I met his wife professionally about six moths later, as I did an intimate treatment on her… 😬

She honestly looked like a slightly older, much more polished version of me!!

It made me feel angry for her- they had children ffs.

It’s inevitable that men will have affairs with live in Nannie’s (if the chance comes up and for famous men it does) if their wife is a more of a high powered career woman and less of a feminine nurturer - that’s what men are naturally attracted too

Bet he didn't turn down all the money Gwen was bringing in with her vastly more successful music career while she was out working though, nor her money in the divorce settlement.

I think some people have a stronger physical type than others, other than being taller than me, my exes don't look alike really, DHs two long term relationships and first proper girlfriend were all very petite blondes. I'm 5'9 with a lot of curly red hair.
If we ever split or he had an affair I'd be more surprised if it wasn't a petite blonde

I've been cheated on several times by different men, never really thought about it but they had very strong physical similarities. One I could swear was my double, very creepy..

Absolutely nothing like me and our friends were shocked when they saw her. Also much older. Tats (he hated tats), boob job (he hated fake boobs), really very unattractive. They look like mother and son. My once handsome ex-h has now lost his looks and is extremely overweight, which is odd for me as he was so fit and exercised daily. She also absolutely hates me and has been venomous towards me and our son. I hope they are very happy together 🙄

I was the OW.
Wife - very tall, white, short blonde hair, very lean/slim, professional, matter of fact personality
Me - short, Spanish, long dark hair, slim, also professional/ doctor
Faces completely different

I don't believe he 'affaired down' apart from the fact my moral compass was obviously off for getting involved in the first place, but was truly a one off and I spend my life caring and doing my best for others.
Our compatibility was beyond anything either of us had experienced with out spouses.

@Burniemac in my experience you would of just been the one that slept with him.
Men cheat because it's available.
When the mistress becomes the wife, then she leaves a vacancy

Nope, a lot taller and completely different colouring. Same name however!

My ex DH used to put me down all the time. Hair colour, skin colour, big nose, chest too small, i wasnt educated enough blah blah blah. We never had sex( once or twice a year and only if i pushed it. He would lie there with eyes closed and not touch me, I had to do everything) i believed this was because I was so unattractive.
When I found out he was having an affair I assumed she was everything I wasnt. Petite and curvy. Blonde, very pretty maybe a bit like Kylie who he worshipped. Younger than me with no kids or stretch marks. I later found out she was a 6ft 2inch prison guard with muscles, lots of tattoos, well built and muscular, buzz cut hair to the point she was almost bald, older than me by a long way and married with six kids.
After we divorced he married the fantasy blonde/young/pretty woman I had pictured. They met, married and divorced within a year. That was 10 years ago and hes been steadfastly single since. Im very happily married to a man who looks nothing like him!

Looked so similar to me she was mistaken for me on a few occasions just after our split - must have been awkward for them

We were friends prior to the affair and were often mistaken for sisters.

We also shared a career, politics, dietary choices, style sense, musical tastes - all sorts

He basically chose a more malleable carbon copy!

My ex has gone on to remarry (the Ow) someone who's the spitting image of me, he did exactly what it did to me to her too, he's a literal feeder (she's ballooned) similar personality too - I like her can't hold any grudges.

When a man cheats it says a lot about him and less about the women he cheats with IMO

You don’t look at the mantelpiece when you’re poking the fire! 😆

One of the women my ex was seeing behind my back looks nothing like me. She’s a blonde, grumpy-looking Lithuanian with big hands who looks like a fat version of Jennifer Saunders. She’s around ten years older than me. She towers over my ex, but height doesn’t matter when you’re lying down.

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey some do yes. Men aren't a homogeneous group just as women aren't.
I knew him for many years before anything developed between us. I don't think that old saying applies in every scenario.
Not to be too outing, he is a very classically handsome, well known celebrity and if he cheated with what ever was available to him, he would literally be at it constantly. Which he most definitely wasn't.

DH’s latest affair (he had 5, found out about all in one go several months ago) she was the total opposite to me but 100% his physical type to a tee. And actually extremely beautiful, as much as I hate to admit it. I don’t know how he managed it tbh.
anyway, felt a bit better that he stayed initially as it felt like I had ‘won’. Which is stupid really. But all logics goes out the window doesn’t it.
I do still worry he is comparing me to her.

It's not about the looks though is it ? It's about making these poor men feel valued and important 🙄

Sorry for being nosy but you are staying with him after 5 affairs - why?

No, she was ten years older than me and black. (I am white, he is black)
her looks had nothing to do with it to be honest. He was looking to have his head turned and she was there. I don't blame her by the way!