Anyone regret their divorce or separation?

[Minty90]

I don't respect my DH. And I regret picking him as the father of my kids. He's not horrible exactly but he's small minded and feels sorry for himself for no reason

But we get on. I've spent today putting in plans in place to leave (research, paperwork etc) but then we just spent couple of hours on the sofa taking the piss and being silly.

I enjoy his company. I really do. But I also think he's a total idiot. He talks so much nonsense and is so defensive. But we also get on. There is no tension in the house because when he starts talking I think about something else. But I still want him near me.

I'm so confused. Divorce would be awful (as it would with anyone). But I'm so confused as to why I want to spend time with someone I don't even like.

Any advice. All I think about is divorce. It's exhausting.

No. I regretted not doing it sooner.

No, not at all.
Wish I'd done it sooner.

No, definitely not. Hardest, but best decision I've ever made, without a doubt.

Well, I’ll doubt he’ll change his mind being ‘small minded’, so you’re well rid.

No I definitely don't regret divorce. Its hard but nowhere near as hard as being married to someone you don't respect or even like very much. I wouldn't change it. Having said that I am also glad that I stuck with it until I was absolutely sure. He thinks that was cynical and manipulative. I think it was survival.
You'll know when the time is right.

No regrets here. Life is too short to stay in relationships that make you feel like this. If you aren't absolutely sure you want to be with someone - you actually think he is an idiot and defensive and talks nonsense!! - then that is your answer.

Wtaf?

The water thing, I mean... 🤯🤯😆🙈

A grown man who wants to play video games until 3am?

Amazed you have put up with this until now. Is he 17?

Ultimately if you don't respect someone then there is no real relationship. It's also pretty much impossible to be attracted to someone you don't respect.

I'm sorry for you as it's not an easy process to go through but it sounds like separating is your only way forward. Does the idea of another 40 or 50 years of this make you feel happy?

If you can’t respect him, I think it’s over. I’m not even sure that counselling will help as it sounds like he’s just not the right person for you (nor for many people, I imagine). You need to be equal partners, not like mum and son.

The water thing is really odd and I’d be concerned about his mental health.

Do you have plans in place, your own money etc? Have you got a lawyer? This was what held me back and I wish I’d got my shit together sooner as delaying the inevitable just made it harder and sadder.

No not at all, Other posters are right in that it does create new and different problems though.
But, I rarely enjoyed his company as you say you do, and we didn't get on as I never knew when his temper might erupt so was walking on eggshells and became a shadow of myself. I have peace now!

So basically you think he is thick and childish?

Yeah.... that's a bit of a turn off really!

Sounds like he is more of a younger brother than a partner.

I wish I had tried harder with ex DH. Oddly I rarely think about him and am not in love with him, but I often do wonder how life would be and miss my old life. We had a nice life together, he was a nice man and I think I took it for granted. I got bored of it and threw it away so easily. He didn't fight me or try to convince me to stay. I didn't even try to make it work, I just saw a brighter better life without him and left (nobody else involved, just an exciting single life to be had).

Sounds like he is more of a younger brother than a partner.

This. Like an amusing mate you might hang out with sometimes, but not someone you feel attracted to. I mean, he is behaving like a teenager with his gaming and social media spouting of nonsense. If he won't be a grown up I don't see how he could expect an adult woman to want to be in a relationship with him. It sounds like you have the ick, OP.

And understandably so!!

This is interesting. What made you decide to leave then, what was the deciding factor?

@Minty90 You sound like you don’t have a lot of common interests. I am a bit of a gamer and I can stay playing games and so does DP. Sometimes I play on one console and he plays online on another etc. But I think it’s different for you because it’s not something you’re into and somehow think is childish?

But he does seem to pitch in so it’s up to you and maybe you can co-parent smoothly or do you think you’d still be left with the decision-making even then?

stay up playing games*

Not in the slightest, but there was alcohol addiction and abuse going on (his of the DDs and me) and he was completely unwilling to address any of his issues. Life is infinitely better without him.

There isn't any abuse. He rarely raises his voice and he never drinks.

He is just lazy I guess. And comes up with a lot of rubbish. But yes I have my own money etc. That's the problem. He doesn't even know how much our mortgage is or anything. He just give me some money each month and I sort everything out. He hates work. The plan was he would work part time in a much less stressful job and do more house stuff but now I am the main earner AND still do all the house kid stuff.

But the main thing is the lack of respect. He watches Jordan peterson videos next to me in bed. Or really violent fighting videos. He says he understands why Americans all have guns and he'd like one. He didn't use to think like this but became more and more obsessed with YouTube etc, and now I don't argue with him because it always turns nasty. I just switch off when he tells me stuff

The divorce process isn't stopping me. I went to court once against an ex who stalked me...I can do it...I know I can.

It's the years and years of co parenting with him that I can't stand. Leaving the DC with him with all his craziness and bitterness. He is a happy man most of the time but I know he's got it in him to become pretty unhinged. The thought of all the battles over the DC amd them being in the middle for years breaks my heart. We don't fight now, there is no atmosphere because I nod and smile and because we still get on somehow. Like a mum and her off the wall teenage son .

I’m not sure that sounds like a sustainable way to live, pushing down how you fee just to keep the peace.

That sounds utterly miserable @Minty90 and no way to live. Can you really face living like this for decades? What's the point?

Perhaps some counselling to help you negotiate an amicable split together with someone to mediate might help. But you can't put up with living with a lazy, boring manchild who can't even form rational opinions. What a waste of life. ☹️

Are you sure he’s not already suffering from some MH issues? You mention his “craziness and bitterness,” not to my e ruin t to g he e odd theories about water, etc. Do you think he needs some help?

I've been divorced 12 years, I regret the fact I couldn't make a success of my marriage & that ds was brought up in a broken home, I now understand how hard it must have been when I took him away from the only home he knew.

I don't regret getting divorced for myself, if I had stayed married I dread to think of what I would be like now, he was abusive & I was very depressed because of this, I probably wouldn't be alive now, I had thought of ending my life as the only way out.

Are you sure he’s not already suffering from some MH issues? You mention his “craziness and bitterness,” not to my e ruin t to g he e odd theories about water, etc. Do you think he needs some help?

That is a fair point. It doesn't sound like the behaviour of an adult in good mental health! Staying up late, gaming, ranting about weird conspiracy theories, being irrational, not engaging with his wife or children in a meaningful way, shirking responsibilities, etc.

Your posts made it seem to me that he had just become like this over years, in which case he is just boring and lazy and you're best plan is to leave. But if this has been a sudden change maybe he is having some kind of breakdown?

*your! FFS. 🙈🙈 I messed up my edit. Not illiterate, honestly. 🤣🤣

It sounds really hard OP and it's not easy being a single parent, or the impact on children. But choosing the bury your head in the sand isn't an option either, really. You have two not great options to pick from. If he won't engage in improving things then one option will mean being permanently unhappy, and the other at least offers some prospect of improvement in the future.