Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband told me he wants to leave me and the children but won’t go

126 replies

JnAb23 · 03/07/2022 14:09

My husband who I share two children with (2 and 7) many months ago said that he felt that we had grown apart and that he didn’t want ‘family life’ and would be better on his own. This has left me devastated as I didn’t suspect anything was wrong so it has come as a complete shock. I am still completely in love with me and can’t imagine a life without him. However, since saying what he did, he has remained in the family home and just continued to make me feel awful. Just comes home late from work every night and doesn’t contribute to helping with the children (although he barely every has!), he has had numerous hotel stays on his own, doesn’t really engage in conversation with me, never wants to do anything as a family, sleeps in a separate bed. I am utterly broken by it. No one can understand it as we have had such a happy marriage and I truly believe I’ve been a good wife which he doesn’t disagree with. I so want it to work out but he has made no effort to try in any way. It was even my birthday the other day and he did nothing for it. I ended up on the phone to the Samaritans that night as I was so desperate to talk to someone! What do I do? I cant kick him out as we share a home and he says he has no money to stay anywhere else. I just feel like I’m stuck in a house with a man I’m desperate to love me but is clearly never going to and it’s destroying me. I have also had three weeks signed off work with stress. Where do I stand? What can I do to move forward?

OP posts:
tootiredtospeak · 04/07/2022 09:22

Oh man there is definitely someone else otherwise there would be no need for the hotel stays. It must be so hard but he is just using you and the kids and that's a horrible thing to do. Bullshit he doesnt have anywhere to go he must have freinds or family. He has made this choice not you it's up to him to go. Tell him and put a timeframe on it. By next weekend I want you gone. Tell him you will see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings and eventually sell the house but for now your primary carer and he needs to go. Do it for your own mental health.

Lalosalamanca · 04/07/2022 09:52

As others have pointed out, he's having an affair.

eglantine7 · 04/07/2022 10:12

Get rid of him ASAP. You deserve so much better, darling.
Men like this haven't grown up yet and he WILL regret it in years to come.

In the meantime do not let him destroy you.
Please make enquiries about a solicitor to start the divorce process. You have absolutely all the rights as a loving mother xxx

5zeds · 04/07/2022 10:17

Can he not move to his parents or siblings till you are divorced?
Working together isn’t going to work. Check all the bank accounts now. Shut down the business and either open your own or find a different job.
Start divorce proceedings.

You are going to be just fine. So are the children. There are going to be happy times and you obviously have a huge capacity for love it shines through your posts.

Frazzled2207 · 04/07/2022 10:32

see a solicitor and initiate divorce proceedings
sorry OP he is a horrible man and if he won’t go you have to

PBHC · 04/07/2022 10:47

Bless ya hun
Well to start of he dose have money he been paying for nights at a hotel by what you have written ask him to leave tell him you will need child support .you will find you will b a lot more happier once he has gone start living your life how you would like to live it xx good luck hun

Blowthemandown · 04/07/2022 10:48

So you owned the property but he was added. Make sure to note down what you contributed and what he has contributed/how much you contributed prior to him being added etc. Start divorce proceedings. You might have to increase borrowing but I doubt you'd need to pay him half. If he's not contributed to childcare either then I'd hope some of it can be offset. Get a good Family Law solicitor and start things moving. He's having his cake and eating it with things as they are.

Iamdobby63 · 04/07/2022 11:20

You’ve already got some very good advice on here OP.

Please see a solicitor ASAP, stop doing any washing, cooking, cleaning for him, move all his stuff into whatever room he is sleeping in. Any complaints from him just say you are giving him what he wants. Do not forewarn him you are seeking legal advice. If you are to divorce whilst living in the same home then legally you need to be living separately. Do not increase your hours or change jobs.

I know it’s hard as it’s not what you want but he doesn’t sound like a decent man and therefore in the long run you will be better off. I agree with the possible OW scenario but it isn’t really important, unless it helps you through this process, he wants to be free to do whatever and right now you are a doormat to him and he can lead the single life whilst you are there taking care of everything at home and in his mind he’s doing nothing wrong.

Please, please, please see a solicitor. x

Thereisnolight · 04/07/2022 11:21

Accept it’s over
Tell all your friends and family it’s over
Make sure he and everyone knows it was HIS decision
See solicitor asap
Arrange best way for you to live separately asap

SarahKennedy · 04/07/2022 16:04

Cassie901 · 04/07/2022 08:51

@SarahKennedy Oh there's always one know it all on here isn't there staring the pot 😂 I clearly mean well so shuv your opinion where the sun don't shine love.

Okaaaaay... 😂

P.S. I think you mean 'stirring'.

SarahKennedy · 04/07/2022 16:05

Iamdobby63 · 04/07/2022 11:20

You’ve already got some very good advice on here OP.

Please see a solicitor ASAP, stop doing any washing, cooking, cleaning for him, move all his stuff into whatever room he is sleeping in. Any complaints from him just say you are giving him what he wants. Do not forewarn him you are seeking legal advice. If you are to divorce whilst living in the same home then legally you need to be living separately. Do not increase your hours or change jobs.

I know it’s hard as it’s not what you want but he doesn’t sound like a decent man and therefore in the long run you will be better off. I agree with the possible OW scenario but it isn’t really important, unless it helps you through this process, he wants to be free to do whatever and right now you are a doormat to him and he can lead the single life whilst you are there taking care of everything at home and in his mind he’s doing nothing wrong.

Please, please, please see a solicitor. x

Spot on!

Original poster
JnAb23 · 04/07/2022 17:08

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to my post. I really appreciate it and through all this, one thing I have seen is just how lovely and supportive people are. You have all helped to validate how I am feeling. I have contacted a solicitor now for a free consultation. Have tried to up my hours at work already but there was no capacity. Although I’m pleased there wasn’t actually as I think I’ll be better off on three days with universal credit, child maintenance etc. I am not leaving the family home as it will be too much for my children to deal with in top of their Daddy leaving. I feel completely and utterly bereft but you have all helped to make me see that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. It may not be soon but it will come. I will keep you all updated. I am still in absolute disbelief that this is happening to me but I can’t stop it and maybe don’t want to now. I am a good person and deserve love as you all say. Thank you so much x

OP posts:
D0lphine · 04/07/2022 17:17

I'm so please you're seeing a solicitor OP- bravo.

Let us know how it goes. Secretly get your paperwork in order now too. Take photos of key docs and keep with a friend.

Iamdobby63 · 04/07/2022 17:56

I’m pleased you couldn’t up your hours just yet, get the finances sorted out first then it’s up to you, you want your financial settlement based on how things are right now.

Well done on contacting a solicitor, it’s not easy I know. They should advise your next steps, explain what living separately means and will probably advise separate bank accounts but wait to see what they say.

Im sure you will go through various stages of emotions and then back again, many of us have been there. Stay strong especially if he discovers that this single life isn’t panning out how he planned because then he will want to ‘try again’.

Lesleyann13 · 04/07/2022 17:57

It’s an awful thing to go through especially with young children. My life isn’t perfect but it’s good, I left my partner 7 years ago. He moved on and got married but my daughter was only 2. It’s not alway easy being a single parent but at least you get a break when they visit the other parent. My ex did very little when we were together. I go to yoga in my spare time and have the odd night out with friends. It’s a far cry from living with someone that makes you throughly miserable on a daily basis

summersbysea · 04/07/2022 18:58

What if something breaks like the boiler or someone clumsily smashed the front door or patio
Who will pay for that

MyDogAteMyHousework · 04/07/2022 23:19

My ex did something similar. I spoke to a solicitor and then told ex we needed to work out childcare arrangements in order to split assets and get divorced.

He then did get some advice himself and insisted on 50/50 split of childcare. Although he'd never done half of it before, his job did allow it and my solicitor said I couldn't fight it because he was in a position to do half. I thought he might change his mind when it became reality, but I think he was determined not to have to pay me any maintenance. We started by doing alternate weekends and I still did the weekday care. It took nine months for him to actually do 50/50. He said he wanted to, but he was quite reluctant in practice.

Then I also stopped doing any laundry etc for him. I cooked for him on my days in charge of the children. He sometimes cooked for me on his days in charge (it was often not appetising!)

All in all, it took two years to get him out of the house.

Even now, another 18 months on from him moving out, he will ask me to help him out by having the children more occasionally. For some reason, I manage to organise my life so that I don't need to ask him for the same in return. And I like it that way as I never wanted 50/50 so I am glad to see the DC more whenever possible.

I still occasionally find it completely baffling that although he left me, I was the one who made it happen. He never would have actually gone otherwise. Or maybe he would, but it would have taken forever.

For what it's worth, I was completely bereft and miserable and felt broken. But I am so much better off now (not financially, but mentally).

If he doesn't want a relationship any more then stop doing the things a partner would do.

My ex was a complete disaster with the DC at first. It was pretty awful at times (not dangerous or anything, but he wasn't very considerate towards them at times and it upset me to witness that). However, as far as I can tell, they are happy at his now. They want to see him and go happily. Children deserve a relationship with both their parents. Your H really needs to do some of that work and he will just have to learn how. My ex does seem to have changed his approach to parenting because he had to. It wasn't always working and he's had to adapt.

kateandme · 05/07/2022 08:32

JnAb23 · 04/07/2022 17:08

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to my post. I really appreciate it and through all this, one thing I have seen is just how lovely and supportive people are. You have all helped to validate how I am feeling. I have contacted a solicitor now for a free consultation. Have tried to up my hours at work already but there was no capacity. Although I’m pleased there wasn’t actually as I think I’ll be better off on three days with universal credit, child maintenance etc. I am not leaving the family home as it will be too much for my children to deal with in top of their Daddy leaving. I feel completely and utterly bereft but you have all helped to make me see that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. It may not be soon but it will come. I will keep you all updated. I am still in absolute disbelief that this is happening to me but I can’t stop it and maybe don’t want to now. I am a good person and deserve love as you all say. Thank you so much x

Remember to keep this momentum op.
He's had an easy ride.he doesn't want you yet he wants the comfort of home,kids,you being his cushion.whilst he goes living his nice new life.FUCK THAT.
But now.oh now he will be scared your about to get real.so if keep things ticking quietly until you get advice on how to play this.get that backup behind you.bwcause he now your hot spot your vulnerability and dam will he play a tune on them if your not starting to find your esteem and control.if he's about to be chucked out.live the life he's threatened he will first do everything to lure you back.anf then he will get itnasty I suspect.
So build up your esteem.your armoury.gwr your I do and full pelt him out of your life.
STOP yourself when emotions flair.go back to grounding,practice tasks.
Of course this is hard.youve built a life and seen a future with someone.
But that was a lie.ita gone. time to build and start imagining a new one.free.

One that make you feel good.

kateandme · 05/07/2022 08:35

MyDogAteMyHousework · 04/07/2022 23:19

My ex did something similar. I spoke to a solicitor and then told ex we needed to work out childcare arrangements in order to split assets and get divorced.

He then did get some advice himself and insisted on 50/50 split of childcare. Although he'd never done half of it before, his job did allow it and my solicitor said I couldn't fight it because he was in a position to do half. I thought he might change his mind when it became reality, but I think he was determined not to have to pay me any maintenance. We started by doing alternate weekends and I still did the weekday care. It took nine months for him to actually do 50/50. He said he wanted to, but he was quite reluctant in practice.

Then I also stopped doing any laundry etc for him. I cooked for him on my days in charge of the children. He sometimes cooked for me on his days in charge (it was often not appetising!)

All in all, it took two years to get him out of the house.

Even now, another 18 months on from him moving out, he will ask me to help him out by having the children more occasionally. For some reason, I manage to organise my life so that I don't need to ask him for the same in return. And I like it that way as I never wanted 50/50 so I am glad to see the DC more whenever possible.

I still occasionally find it completely baffling that although he left me, I was the one who made it happen. He never would have actually gone otherwise. Or maybe he would, but it would have taken forever.

For what it's worth, I was completely bereft and miserable and felt broken. But I am so much better off now (not financially, but mentally).

If he doesn't want a relationship any more then stop doing the things a partner would do.

My ex was a complete disaster with the DC at first. It was pretty awful at times (not dangerous or anything, but he wasn't very considerate towards them at times and it upset me to witness that). However, as far as I can tell, they are happy at his now. They want to see him and go happily. Children deserve a relationship with both their parents. Your H really needs to do some of that work and he will just have to learn how. My ex does seem to have changed his approach to parenting because he had to. It wasn't always working and he's had to adapt.

Why you did was so brave and strong.keep going.youve got so much love to look forward to.

Iamdobby63 · 05/07/2022 12:05

MyDogAteMyHousework · 04/07/2022 23:19

My ex did something similar. I spoke to a solicitor and then told ex we needed to work out childcare arrangements in order to split assets and get divorced.

He then did get some advice himself and insisted on 50/50 split of childcare. Although he'd never done half of it before, his job did allow it and my solicitor said I couldn't fight it because he was in a position to do half. I thought he might change his mind when it became reality, but I think he was determined not to have to pay me any maintenance. We started by doing alternate weekends and I still did the weekday care. It took nine months for him to actually do 50/50. He said he wanted to, but he was quite reluctant in practice.

Then I also stopped doing any laundry etc for him. I cooked for him on my days in charge of the children. He sometimes cooked for me on his days in charge (it was often not appetising!)

All in all, it took two years to get him out of the house.

Even now, another 18 months on from him moving out, he will ask me to help him out by having the children more occasionally. For some reason, I manage to organise my life so that I don't need to ask him for the same in return. And I like it that way as I never wanted 50/50 so I am glad to see the DC more whenever possible.

I still occasionally find it completely baffling that although he left me, I was the one who made it happen. He never would have actually gone otherwise. Or maybe he would, but it would have taken forever.

For what it's worth, I was completely bereft and miserable and felt broken. But I am so much better off now (not financially, but mentally).

If he doesn't want a relationship any more then stop doing the things a partner would do.

My ex was a complete disaster with the DC at first. It was pretty awful at times (not dangerous or anything, but he wasn't very considerate towards them at times and it upset me to witness that). However, as far as I can tell, they are happy at his now. They want to see him and go happily. Children deserve a relationship with both their parents. Your H really needs to do some of that work and he will just have to learn how. My ex does seem to have changed his approach to parenting because he had to. It wasn't always working and he's had to adapt.

Hats off to you for staying strong and taking control.

This is where I disagree with the 50/50, nothing stops the other parent from not doing their part whilst not paying maintenance and then you have to start from scratch on the maintenance and probably all of a sudden they do the 50/50 again. I also believe it’s unfair if one parent earns considerably more and can afford to give the children and much higher standard of living than the other. I know I’m old fashioned.

Crazyhousewife · 05/07/2022 19:37

heads up cover your back as this has made the papers. Girls be careful about posting things that can be linked directly back to you with the media posting off these forums.

Ilosthim · 05/07/2022 22:27

Be prepared for him to do a 360 and try and patch things up with you when the OW situation folds. Xx

Scorpio8 · 06/07/2022 08:24

You been given some great advice.

Just look after you and your kids. If he want to come back tell him he needs to see a therapist for what he did etc.

Move on and show him you don't need him. Contact a close friend or family you trust tell them. Maybe tell his family what's going on so he can go stay with them.

If he now added on the house he may not leave. You might need to start a fresh or he make your life hell. See what Solicitor says and just stay strong x

MyDogAteMyHousework · 06/07/2022 11:34

Thanks @kateandme and @Iamdobby63

These situations can be really complex. I think my ex was the only person who thought 50/50 was the right thing. His own brother and dad told him that the DC would be better off living mainly with me. But that probably only made him more determined. And anyway, the DC themselves really need to believe that ex wants them half the time. He doesn't prioritise them in the same way I do, but they don't really seem to notice (actually, DC1 probably does but still clearly can't bear to ever say anything that might be construed as criticism of their dad).

To the OP, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in being stuck in this kind of situation.

I'm in a new relationship now and have a new job. My manager and colleagues are great. I couldn't work full-time if ex didn't have the DC half the week and he would never have supported me in going full-time or even just going back into the workplace like this, so I'm much happier than I was.

My new relationship is also so radically different to my marriage that I can't believe I put up with such a mismatched relationship for so long. I realise now that my ex was never really in it, or hadn't been for a long time.

Stay strong, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get through this. It may take longer than you want, but things will be better on the other side.

Littleorangeflowers · 06/07/2022 13:11

Ducks in a row Solicitor Divorce
Chumplady.com🌺