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Original poster

Husband told me he wants to leave me and the children but won’t go

126 replies

JnAb23 · 03/07/2022 14:09

My husband who I share two children with (2 and 7) many months ago said that he felt that we had grown apart and that he didn’t want ‘family life’ and would be better on his own. This has left me devastated as I didn’t suspect anything was wrong so it has come as a complete shock. I am still completely in love with me and can’t imagine a life without him. However, since saying what he did, he has remained in the family home and just continued to make me feel awful. Just comes home late from work every night and doesn’t contribute to helping with the children (although he barely every has!), he has had numerous hotel stays on his own, doesn’t really engage in conversation with me, never wants to do anything as a family, sleeps in a separate bed. I am utterly broken by it. No one can understand it as we have had such a happy marriage and I truly believe I’ve been a good wife which he doesn’t disagree with. I so want it to work out but he has made no effort to try in any way. It was even my birthday the other day and he did nothing for it. I ended up on the phone to the Samaritans that night as I was so desperate to talk to someone! What do I do? I cant kick him out as we share a home and he says he has no money to stay anywhere else. I just feel like I’m stuck in a house with a man I’m desperate to love me but is clearly never going to and it’s destroying me. I have also had three weeks signed off work with stress. Where do I stand? What can I do to move forward?

OP posts:
Solasum · 03/07/2022 14:11

Cherchez la femme 💐

BackToTheTop · 03/07/2022 14:16

Solicitors, have a discussion with them as to what your options are. You'll never feel better or move on as long as he lives with you. He's using you, coming and going as he pleases and treating you like utter shit. Take control, it will honestly make you feel better in the long run

motogirl · 03/07/2022 14:20

Do you own your house? If so you need to sell then go your separate ways. He's under no obligation to move out, neither are you. For financial reasons many stay living in the same house until the financial consent order is finalised and the house is sold

Wnikat · 03/07/2022 14:21

Other woman. Check his phone

Amid · 03/07/2022 14:22

Oh bless you, this must be so difficult for you. You need to see a solicitor and get out of this relationship asap before your mental health deteriorates further.

Sadly I agree with a PP, there is another women here somewhere.

Snowflakes1122 · 03/07/2022 14:24

Numerous hotel stays on his own?

Sorry, but sounds like he has another woman.

TeeBee · 03/07/2022 14:29

Also agree there's another woman but it's irrelevant. He's checked out, you've got some catching up to do as you're on the back foot here. Seek legal advice and start divorce proceedings. He doesn't want to be in the relationship and the quicker you accept it, the quicker you'll be in a place of peace. At the moment, he's calling the shots. You need to turn those tables.

layladomino · 03/07/2022 14:32

Please talk to a solicitor. He can't expect to throw that bomb in to your life and then just hang around, starting his new single life but without formalising it. He's being totally selfish and unfair on you and your children.

It's hard as you still love him, but he's shown you that it's over, so living together will only make matters worse, not better. If you hold out any hope that he may 'see sense', apologise and come back to you then that won't happen until he sees what he's lost, which means servign divorce papers. I'm not advocating trying to get him back, by the way - I think you'll be better off without him, and he seems decided that he wants out.

The sooner you seek advice and divorce him, the sooner you can start to heal and move forward, the less confusing for your children, and the sooner you won't be forced to love with a man who shows you such disdain and lack of respect - it must be soul destroying.

I the meantime, gather any financial and legal information you can. Don't let on to your husband what you're doing until you have to. And don't run around after him. He has told you and shown you he doesn't want to be part of the family, so that means no washing and ironing for him, no cooking meals for him or making his appointments, buying his family cards and presents. You might have to live with him for a while longer yet, but you don't have to spend your energy on looking after him.

PetersRabbitt · 03/07/2022 14:33

Definitely another woman, no doubt about that at all!

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 03/07/2022 14:33

Presumably you're still cooking/cleaning/washing for him whilst you hold onto some hope he'll change his mind?
He's got it made hasn't he; able to nip off to a nice hotel with his other woman when he fancies it, then back home to a hot meal and you falling over yourself to make him love you.
You need to boot his arse out from here to the middle of next week.

TinaYouFatLard · 03/07/2022 14:35

There’s an OW for sure. Time to get really fucking angry OP.

TeeBee · 03/07/2022 14:35

I'd also be inclined to make life for him as difficult as possible at home. I'd invite many friends round, especially men. He's shown his hand, you need to tell him you've decided to move on.

Quartz2208 · 03/07/2022 14:37

are you still washing/cooking for him etc

you need to start the process of separating out Im afraid and making him realise that he is either in or out not this

MaChienEstUnDick · 03/07/2022 14:38

Go to a solicitor, find out what your legal and financial options are and get the ball rolling on a divorce. Time to claim your anger and get your life back.

Honestly, I get that you are heartbroken but do you really believe he's working late and staying in hotels by himself? Where's your self-respect?

AnyFucker · 03/07/2022 14:42

Stop keeping house for him while he sees other women

Insist, while you find a way to properly separate, that you have a rota of equal chores and childcare just like housemates do

Quit the doormat behaviours please … you will despise yourself for it later and you need to hang on to as much self respect as you can

SingingInParadise · 03/07/2022 14:46

He is waiting for you to kick him out.
That way
1- he is still being looked after (I’m going to assume that at the very least you are still cooking meals for him?)
2- he can try out being with the OW (and I’m pretty sure there is one), maybe he is waiting for her to be ready to move in with him whatever)
3- if it doesn’t work out, he can still go back to you saying ‘he actually realises he was so very wrong’
4- and to most people (and esp his dcs), he won’t look the bad guy because YOU I’ll have kicked him out.

SingingInParadise · 03/07/2022 14:48

And what @AnyFucker said. His life much too comfortable there.

At the VERY LEAST, he should be in full charge if the dcs EOW like he will when you have finally divorced.

stayingpositiveifpossible · 03/07/2022 15:47

He is EITHER waiting for you to kick him out,
OR he is hoping to crush your mental health sufficiently that you willSbe the one who will choose to leave (without the kids).

SO THAT - he will be financially better off, and even move the other woman in to your house.

This happened to me. Over a lengthy period of time ex would say he wanted a divorce, but not do anything about it, not see a solicitor and take no action. One day he admitted his behaviour was intended to 'bully me out of the house' and that 'he wouldn't stop until I left'.

It is really, really hard to accept but no reasonable person does this.
An ABUSIVE person does this.

A reasonable person takes the time, sits and negotiates with respect, dignity and fairness.

It must be an incredible shock for you to be experiencing this. But I'm afraid it IS likely to get worse

AND it is ALL ABOUT THE MONEY.

I'm sorry to have to say it, but you do not have a happy marriage and he has probably been planning it for a year or two.

It is an awful, awful position to be in, but you will survive. Better to know now rather than find out in another ten years time what sort of a beast he is.

stayingpositiveifpossible · 03/07/2022 15:50

I would also talk it through with women's aid and survivors of economic abuse. You can be he has thought the finances through long ago.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2022 15:57

You're still in love with a man who is blatantly cheating on you and treats both you and your kids like shit?

Get a solicitor and get rid of this twat.

Bunty55 · 03/07/2022 15:59

So he is quite content for you to carry on as normal while he lives like a single man and stays in hotels with his girlfriend?
I wonder what he tells her OP

CambsAlways · 03/07/2022 16:02

This is heartbreaking so he gets to do what he wants with no input helping with his children! I’d be straight to a solicitor op, if you are cooking for him washing his clothes that would immediately stop, sadly though love you can’t work it out, he doesn’t want you he’s made that very plain, please think of yourself and your young children, he’s got another woman he’s no more staying in hotels on his own than fly! I hope you’ve got plenty of support ,what a nasty abusive piece of work!

Cherrysoup · 03/07/2022 18:09

Whose name is the house in? Do you work?

Cloudysunday · 03/07/2022 18:14

@SingingInParadise

At the VERY LEAST, he should be in full charge if the dcs EOW like he will when you have finally divorced

I wish posters would stop saying this . If he hasn’t stepped up to be a father so far what are the chances of him doing so if/ when they divorce . You cannot force someone to parent !

Lunificent · 03/07/2022 18:18

See a solicitor. Start to take action.