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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband told me he wants to leave me and the children but won’t go

126 replies

JnAb23 · 03/07/2022 14:09

My husband who I share two children with (2 and 7) many months ago said that he felt that we had grown apart and that he didn’t want ‘family life’ and would be better on his own. This has left me devastated as I didn’t suspect anything was wrong so it has come as a complete shock. I am still completely in love with me and can’t imagine a life without him. However, since saying what he did, he has remained in the family home and just continued to make me feel awful. Just comes home late from work every night and doesn’t contribute to helping with the children (although he barely every has!), he has had numerous hotel stays on his own, doesn’t really engage in conversation with me, never wants to do anything as a family, sleeps in a separate bed. I am utterly broken by it. No one can understand it as we have had such a happy marriage and I truly believe I’ve been a good wife which he doesn’t disagree with. I so want it to work out but he has made no effort to try in any way. It was even my birthday the other day and he did nothing for it. I ended up on the phone to the Samaritans that night as I was so desperate to talk to someone! What do I do? I cant kick him out as we share a home and he says he has no money to stay anywhere else. I just feel like I’m stuck in a house with a man I’m desperate to love me but is clearly never going to and it’s destroying me. I have also had three weeks signed off work with stress. Where do I stand? What can I do to move forward?

OP posts:

Belle82 · 03/07/2022 21:14

Do NOT sell that house. Ignore anyone who tells you to (including him).

If you are on the deeds / own the house or not. In a divorce the primary carer of the children will be allocated the house 99% of the time.
if it were 50/50 shared custody then you might need to sell but I wouldn’t say so in your case.

The children are the priority to the courts.

Speak to a lawyer this week, and kick that (sorry - I know you still love him) dickhead out. Cheating or not, he is treating you like shit and as the mother to his two children and a long standing wife you deserve 1000x more.

Belle82 · 03/07/2022 21:18

Just as a follow up to my comment.

Generally the court will allocate the house to the primary parent. Until the youngest child is 18 OR out of full time studies.

At that point there may be a clause to say you need to sell and split the proceeds but please don’t even speak to him about selling the house until you speak to a lawyer.

SkeletonFight · 03/07/2022 21:23

I imagine he is biding his time until he has somewhere else to go to and yes I would guess that is another woman. As others have said see a solicitor and then tell him you have applied for a divorce. Take control. Limbo is the worst. Be coldly factual in your dealings with him. He is a mentally abusive prick.

SummerPuddings · 03/07/2022 21:27

SpringSunshine09 · 03/07/2022 20:11

I don't have any advice but felt like this thread needed a bit of warmth. I'm so sorry you are going through this, this sounds absolutely devastating. I just want to give you a massive hug 💕 I wish I had something more useful to say but just wanted to send some love your way. I also want to tell you that is isn't your fault and you don't deserve this. X

This from me too OP.
Concentrate on looking after you & your kids. You will probably feel very angry with him soon. Look after your mental and physical health. Life will get better I promise xxx

Penguinevere · 03/07/2022 21:38

He needs to fuck off then. What a cruel thing to do to your spouse.

see a solicitor op.

Onthedunes · 03/07/2022 21:53

He needs to fuck off then

This just about sums it up.
Find out who the ow is and contact her, or her husband and get him out.

What a cruel bastard he is.

Mypotatoeshavelegs · 03/07/2022 22:48

sorru to say this but is he wants to leave he has to actually leave. It’s not your problem
if he had money or not. He has made his choice and the relationship has ended. I would speak to a solicitor and find out how quickly you can get him out of your home so that you can start to repair your self for your own sake. I know two women who have had this- a partner who says it’s over and the stays for years. Exploiting their good nature and giving them nothing but angst ans financial burden. Check his phone for another woman too. Sooner you get him out the sooner you can start to grieve and move on.

Mypotatoeshavelegs · 03/07/2022 22:49

Speak to womens aid. They are great.

justasking111 · 03/07/2022 22:52

PetersRabbitt · 03/07/2022 14:33

Definitely another woman, no doubt about that at all!

And she's married??

Bunty55 · 04/07/2022 00:05

OP Whatever you decide to do, you know he is out of order or you would not have posted about it here.
Don't allow him to turn you into some doormat/whipping boy just because his life is shit.
Life is short. Life should be lived to the full every day. You should have things to look forward to, plans for the future and above all. ... you should be able to look at yourself in the mirror and see someone who is happy.

Should..could would.... don't be that person who regrets making the right decision. I did and am happy now but in another life I was where you are.
It took me too long to change things but in the end I did. If I had known about Mumsnet or about my rights, been a little more savvy I would have done things differently. I would have had a bit more clout, and not given in to a bully.
I got rid of him but paid the price. It was worth it to be happy and make my children's lives better.

Nel70 · 04/07/2022 00:22

Sounds toxic for your children.

SkeletonFight · 04/07/2022 01:41

justasking111 · 03/07/2022 22:52

And she's married??

Show quote history

Definitely.

Butterfly44 · 04/07/2022 04:22

He's checked out and with someone else. No you can't continue living like this, for your sake and the kids. It's not healthy for them to see this type of relationship.
Go see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. He doesn't get to keep home and have his other life. He's disrespected you and his children.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 04/07/2022 04:34

JnAb23 · 03/07/2022 19:12

The house was mine but he was added to it in the last few years (big mistake!). We work together unfortunately! 😩 I’m part time though three days as little one is only two and was a lockdown baby so I felt like I missed out on so much with him. Think he clearly resents that fact too!

That wouldn't make a difference either way unless your relationship is a short one, as it would be viewed as the marital house and joint property in a divorce.

He's acting like you're seperated, he's most likely having an affair. He's treating you with zero respect or care, he is neglecting his role as a father.

What I'd do...Get on entitled to and see what support you could get as a single parent. See a solicitor for financial advice. Tell H your going to file for divorce and what days is he having DC. Then tell family ands friends you're seperated. This is necessary to apply for benefits as a single parent. Apply for any benefits you'd be entitled to and apply for child support based on the current split of child care. If he wants to pay less he'll have to step up. If he steps up on days he is responsible for the DC leave everything to him, look at getting more work on those days.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 04/07/2022 04:38

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. What he's done is not ok in any way and he's gutless. He's effectively ended the relationship but won't walk away, won't do the right thing, wants you to be the bad guy. If he was a half decent person he'd find a way to leave and move out. If he can afford hotels surely he could stretch to a room in a share house as a temporary step to move forward. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

knittingaddict · 04/07/2022 04:50

Don't feel bad about adding him to the deeds. The house would have been a marital asset even if you hadn't done that.

knittingaddict · 04/07/2022 04:58

If you are on the deeds / own the house or not. In a divorce the primary carer of the children will be allocated the house 99% of the time.
if it were 50/50 shared custody then you might need to sell but I wouldn’t say so in your case.

This is not good advice op.

These days clean break divorces are the norm and it is rare for the primary carer to stay in the marital home, unless they can afford to buy out their ex and afford the mortgage.

The courts will look at what is best for the children before anything else, but they will also look at affordability for both parties and what is the fairest option. That is usually the house being sold and equity split.

If there is a primary carer then they will probably get more of the assets. My daughter was a sahm and had far less earning potential. She got 70% of the equity and one of the pensions.

Hope you get the help you need op.

knittingaddict · 04/07/2022 05:00

Generally the court will allocate the house to the primary parent. Until the youngest child is 18 OR out of full time studies.

Belle that is incredibly out of date advice. Please don't give the op false hope.

Darbs76 · 04/07/2022 05:06

He needs to leave. If the house was yours speak to a solicitor about your options. You can’t begin to move forward whilst he’s still living there.

kateandme · 04/07/2022 05:19

Someone who deserves your love wouldn't act in this way op.
Think of your child if someone was acting to them as he is to you how would you feel about that.
Love binds,holds and can heal.but it can hurt if it misdirected or pulled away.its the strongest thing so hurts the fucking worst if used in that way.and that's what he's doing,taken something so precious and twisted it into you.
Do you deserve this?
No
.no EVERY time.
So start being practical.making lists.
Get a journal to dump all those thoughts.
Could you actually go back to living with him.after all this u think you earn his love back he says he wants you...could you really?after what he's done?
No one nosyour situation you u need advice.
You also need real life support.no shame.zero.sk tea h out to family and friends.let other lift you up.that is what they are there for T times like this.yoy drowning because you've left yourself alone to handle this.dont.seek support.
This is hard.so hard.but it's not going to improve.evetythibg your feeling will perpetuate how you see yourself if you don't change this current situation.so go forward with methods of how to change it.

Starseeking · 04/07/2022 05:29

He has had numerous hotel stays on his own.

Sounds like he has company.

Find your self-respect and dignity and kick him out.

lurker69 · 04/07/2022 05:52

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I do think it may be time to escalate this though, he needs to go, for your own mental health and this environment must be hard and confusing for the children. i know you want to hang onto what was but unfortunately that is not an option. It will be the absolute shitest for a while but then things will get better.

ArcheryAnnie · 04/07/2022 05:56

Sort out your finances, OP. Do you have a joint account as well as separate accounts?

And stop doing his laundry, or making him meals, or looking after him in any way. You are not his drudge.

blisstwins · 04/07/2022 06:03

This. He is a beast. Hotel stays in his own? No way. SO NOTHING FOR HIM. you will be better than
ok without this
loser. Visit Chumplady.com the short term will suck, but stop trying to winning back. Get firm, get a keyed, and let him do all his own shit.

pilates · 04/07/2022 06:04

Definitely another woman.
Get angry and get some legal advice.
You need to look after yourself emotionally and financially.
It sounds like he wants you to leave so he can live in the house on his own.

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