Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband told me he wants to leave me and the children but won’t go

126 replies

JnAb23 · 03/07/2022 14:09

My husband who I share two children with (2 and 7) many months ago said that he felt that we had grown apart and that he didn’t want ‘family life’ and would be better on his own. This has left me devastated as I didn’t suspect anything was wrong so it has come as a complete shock. I am still completely in love with me and can’t imagine a life without him. However, since saying what he did, he has remained in the family home and just continued to make me feel awful. Just comes home late from work every night and doesn’t contribute to helping with the children (although he barely every has!), he has had numerous hotel stays on his own, doesn’t really engage in conversation with me, never wants to do anything as a family, sleeps in a separate bed. I am utterly broken by it. No one can understand it as we have had such a happy marriage and I truly believe I’ve been a good wife which he doesn’t disagree with. I so want it to work out but he has made no effort to try in any way. It was even my birthday the other day and he did nothing for it. I ended up on the phone to the Samaritans that night as I was so desperate to talk to someone! What do I do? I cant kick him out as we share a home and he says he has no money to stay anywhere else. I just feel like I’m stuck in a house with a man I’m desperate to love me but is clearly never going to and it’s destroying me. I have also had three weeks signed off work with stress. Where do I stand? What can I do to move forward?

OP posts:
tiredanddangerous · 03/07/2022 18:20

Staying in hotels on his own? Wake up and find your anger op.

GylesBrandrethNewJumper · 03/07/2022 18:20

Whose name is the house in?

Theyare married. It's a joint asset whoevers name it's in.

thisbathiscoldnow · 03/07/2022 18:23

Yeah just to echo, definitely another woman involved.
By telling you he wants to leave he's basically giving himself permission to go shagging around because in his head now you're not together. Presumably he's not fussed about moving out because it's an easy life for him stringing you along whilst you do all the shit at home.
Time to get angry and take control

JnAb23 · 03/07/2022 19:12

The house was mine but he was added to it in the last few years (big mistake!). We work together unfortunately! 😩 I’m part time though three days as little one is only two and was a lockdown baby so I felt like I missed out on so much with him. Think he clearly resents that fact too!

OP posts:
Zuma76 · 03/07/2022 19:32

I must be the only one not jumping to the conclusion he has an OW. Could he be depressed. When my OH spiralled into depression, he covered it up but blamed his whole life including me and said he wanted to split up.

D0lphine · 03/07/2022 19:40

I think you should see if you can increase your hours to full time at your current job.

How would your finances be if you separated?

Think about the practical things. Sending love it's so hard!

RaspberryChouxBuns · 03/07/2022 19:46

Solicitor this week OP.

No point checking his phone, he doesn't want to be with you. I'm sorry it's painful now but you WILL get over it and realise you're better than this useless lump.

He needs to leave, and divorce proceedings need to start. Don't say anything to him until you've consulted with a solicitor.

Moneypanicker · 03/07/2022 19:47

This was me! Stayed in the house for a couple of extra months after telling me. He wasn't nasty though. There was another woman although didn't find out till much later. It seems terrible being on your own but it is so empowering when you realise you don't need him and you'll actually probably be a lot happier on your own.
I was worried about finances but actually I was better off financially without him. Didn't have to pay for his food, petrol etc. Go and see a solicitor and get a free hour, write down the questions you want to ask before hand and write everything down.

qpmz · 03/07/2022 19:48

Not your problem he has no money to live elsewhere. What about his siblings or parents? Or he sells stuff or gets a better paid job. The tosser needs to leave now.

Meanwhile what about your friends and family? You need to confide in them and lean on them for support. You will get through this heartbreak.

qpmz · 03/07/2022 19:49

TeeBee · 03/07/2022 14:35

I'd also be inclined to make life for him as difficult as possible at home. I'd invite many friends round, especially men. He's shown his hand, you need to tell him you've decided to move on.

Agree with this 100%

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/07/2022 19:51

Start divorce proceedings.

ArcticSkewer · 03/07/2022 19:55

Put in a claim for universal credit as a single person. You can do this even while living under the same roof and without being divorced. File for the first part of the divorce online. Take things from there.

AuntieStella · 03/07/2022 20:00

Doesn't matter now what he resents.

You need to start planning how you move in to a better future - asset split, where you each will live, how much you need to be earning to make this work. Part-time might not work for you - so you change it because of your own wants and needs, not because of what he might think (and bear in mind that he might be nasty about whatever you do, so it really isn't worth giving headspace to potential reactions)

And of course child arrangements. You can't force him to parent, but you can set the expectation that he will. So yes, put it to him that he's parent-in-charge EOW and one or two nights (and following morning school/nursery runs the next day). If he doesn't do it, at least you know where you stand. Do keep notes if he declines, and every time he flakes, just in case he plays silly buggers later.

Once you've started planning, and worked out how long each stage of the plan needs, you will feel a heck of a lot better, because you are taking back control.

In parallel, start doing stuff for yourself. Get a babysitter (so he can't flake and disrupt your plans) and go out. Anywhere, even if it's only to sit under a tree with a good book. Better still, meet new people, try new things. All terribly daunting when you're at low ebb - so baby steps are absolutely fine

Onthedunes · 03/07/2022 20:04

Divorce.

Don't do one single thing for him anymore.

He goes, and he pays for his children.

Please don't carry on like this, he's killing you.

Flowers
Tadpoll · 03/07/2022 20:04

Wnikat · 03/07/2022 14:21

Other woman. Check his phone

I think whether there’s another woman or not is kind of irrelevant!

UWhatNow · 03/07/2022 20:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SpringSunshine09 · 03/07/2022 20:11

I don't have any advice but felt like this thread needed a bit of warmth. I'm so sorry you are going through this, this sounds absolutely devastating. I just want to give you a massive hug 💕 I wish I had something more useful to say but just wanted to send some love your way. I also want to tell you that is isn't your fault and you don't deserve this. X

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/07/2022 20:14

I am so sorry op. You need to get angry, and start to take action. He has checked out and your marriage is over (for what it’s worth, I too think there’s an OW, you just don’t know it yet). Get a lawyer and stop making things easy for him.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 03/07/2022 20:15

I would start by telling people what has happened so that you have people to talk to and begin to process it. Next I think you need to contact a solicitor about what your next steps should be in terms of separating. If you have any joint accounts I would try and move them into an account he can’t get his hands on right now.

Ottersmith · 03/07/2022 20:18

Yea see a solicitor and sit him down and tell him he has to move out. He has chosen this. If he can afford hotels he can figure out where to stay. You need the house for your children. You can never get him to change his mind and be nice to you.

dudsville · 03/07/2022 20:27

It's heart breaking, but truly if he came home this evening properly apologetic could you really ever be secure in a relationship with someone who thought it was OK to leave you feeling this way even if he promised never to do it again? I'm guessing you would try, and that this is what you're hoping for, but it's a terrible thing to hope for. Live as if he's not there and get a solicitor.

Iamnotamermaid · 03/07/2022 20:32

Whilst he behaves like this and treats you like a 'housemate', adjust your behaviour. Do not cook or clean for him, do not shop for him.

I appreciate you want him back but he has broken the relationship and shows no sign of wanting to heal the rift. You cannot carry on in limbo. Take control- you will feel better once you do. Speak to a solicitor and discuss options.

P.s. it does sound like he has an OW. If you need to ask him anything just ask what her name is.

CallOnMe · 03/07/2022 20:38

Get a different job.

Then speak to a solicitor about getting a divorce.

I imagine that he knows you want to get together which is why he’s in no rush moving out - why would he when it sounds like he has the perfect life!

Please tell me you don’t do his washing or cook for him?

Have you told him he needs to find somewhere else to live or are you being a push over as you don’t actually want home to leave and it be the end of the relationship?

Herewegoagain84 · 03/07/2022 20:43

Please stop trying. Keep your pride and self-worth. He has told you what he wants, and he clearly has someone else. He’s treating you this way as he knows he can, and has the best of everything - a kept house, no upheaval, a separate life on the side. Time to step up and take control.

Whatever00 · 03/07/2022 20:52

You need to take legal advice. You need a different job. I also think you would benefit from individual counselling. I think talking this through with someone external will really help you process it. It's horrible and must be a huge shock. I also think he is cheating. Sorry OP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread